Jokes about drunks

Read funny Jokes about drunks

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The man comes to get a job. And the chief asks:
-Vodka you drink it?
-A is?
-Yes, it I so, in printsipe.
-A-a-a. In principle, not pyyu.

*****

The little man comes to shop. Watches - on a counter something beautiful, air, easy. It approaches the shop assistant and asks:
-Tell, and what it at you there such beautiful, easy, air?
-Yes it yogurt!
-A-a-a! (pensively) Yoghurt!. Two bottles of port, please.

*****

The father home comes, drunk - there is no place further. Well, mother to children speaks:
-Kids, put the father to bed, undress him, only in pants do not look, a
to a snake there, she can bite you. Well, all right, to and fro, come back deti.
mat:
-Well, put the father to bed?
-Yes, mummy, ulozhili.
- And in pants did not look on it?
-was Glanced, mother. There and the truth of a dragon was. But we were not frightened - to a dragon of a zapinala,
yaytsa crushed, and a nest burned.

*****

The father home comes, and his daughter, and before her artificial chlen.
-That it at you sits there? The
Father, any hope to marry. Here, bought in sex шопе.
На the next day it comes - the father sits in kitchen, and before it the member and a bottle vodki.
-That you do it?
-Yes here, with the son-in-law I drink!

*****

The drunkard home comes to a board the drunk. Comes into a bedroom, and tam
temno. Stood, stood and speaks:
- The Wife, start swearing, and that I will not reach a bed.

*****

Comes drunk home. The wife does not want to put it with herself v
postel. He lays down on a rug nearby and starts turning,
kryakhtet... The wife feels sorry for him and throws to him a blanket and podushku.
-On, take cover!
husband took cover, pokryakhtet a little more and prosit:
-Mash, and Mash! Give a brush - the hand could not be put!

*****

The man home comes drunk in dupel. It approaches to zerkalu:
-So you to my wife come while I drink? - swings the arm, breaks zerkalo.
- And now take away the points and go away!

*****

The drunk husband home, at home silence comes, only snore of the wife is carried on rooms. The husband includes water, radio, the TV. In the apartment there is a noise din, but the wife snores more loudly than the former. Then the husband takes a rag with a mop and from all force beats the wife on the head. The wife to jump in nedoumenii:
- And, who?
A her husband tenderly asks:
-Well, is not slept to you, the darling?

*****

The drunk man domoy.
Wife comes speaks: - Where you gadded, cattle??
husband : You will not believe
-. I go suddenly because of a corner the car takes off and on me... Regained consciousness, and here on me horses, bang a hoof in a forehead... In 15 minutes I get up, and here the plane a wing women...
Wife: - Lie, lie on-bolshe.
husband : - You do not trust? Ask a karuselshchik!

*****

The Russian man comes to the western bar. Sits down, the waiter approaches it, that orders beer. The waiter brings beer, puts it, and under it puts such a tabletochku-coaster the cardboard...
ukhodit, in a few minutes the man orders still, the waiter brings and sees that costs an empty glass, and the coaster-tabletochki is not present. Well, thinks, took away for memory of bar, I will put still. Puts, history repeats itself once again. For the third time the man orders beer and the waiter puts a glass without tablet. The man looks at him bewildered and asks:
- And where cookie?

*****

The son to the father and speaks:
-Fathers comes, speak, vodka rose in price, eto
znachit, what you will drink less?
-Is not present the sonny, it means that you budesh
menshe are!

*****

The member of a sobriety society comes to plant. The foreman brings the visitor to the turner of Ivanovu.
-Here ours peredovik.
-Very well, - the guest was delighted. - And tell if drank a glass of wine, you could work also with great dispatch? I do not know
-, shrugged shoulders tokar.
- And two glasses?
-is not sure...
-A I kiss a bottle 0,75? So after all I work with
-, as you can see...

*****

– Come here to us to the meeting...
-will allow to drink
-a there? Well you... it is necessary openheartedly... here I Also ask
-will allow to drink or it is necessary already drunk to come?

*****

Two drunks come to a supermarket behind food. One went for binge,
drugoy - behind snack. The gram two hundred approaches cheese and speaks:
-to me... well it... how there? - also shouts at all magazin:
-San whom you a her called me yesterday?
-Gollandskim.
-of Waugh-in, Dutch!

*****

Two drunk Balts come to a brothel. Knock at the door. There is a security guard and asks:
-That is necessary?
-of Skashitte of a poshaluyst, what you to a moshetta to us predloshitt sa 50 kroner? otvechayet:
-Yes for 50 kroner you only each other to otymet
okhrannik mozhete.
i slams a door. In 15 minutes again knock at a door. The security guard opens again these dvoye:
-for Spasipo big we each other otymet to a vosmitta money.

*****

- The reason of all your misfortunes - alkogol.
-Thanks, mister judge that you do not put fault on odnogo
menya.

*****

The drunk to the doctor came. The doctor examined it and speaks:
-you should either stop drinking, or to say goodbye with glazami.
-Eh, my eyes were gone, - the drunk speaks.

*****

The Ukrainian came to restaurant, drank a small decanter, called up it the waiter and asks:
-Sho there in a corner is blackened? It is ZhYDI?!
-Is not present, it royal.
- And sho there in a corner is grown white, ZhYDI!?!?
-Is not present, keys on royale.
- And sho they kaki zheltenk?
-So after all are made of an ivory!
-From a zhyda the proklyatushchy! Well poshto elephant of a zmordovala?!

*****

The drunk man in perfumery magazin:
-came And you have such cologne?
prodavets asks:
-What?
posetitel dykhnul:
-Here takoy.
-Is not present, such net.
- And what is?
-Here such, - breathed at it prodavets.
-Is not present, it is expensive!

*****

The woman on a visit to the girlfriend came, sees - that lives remarkably - in the house all is, and asks: from where pier... Yes the husband 500 receives
-, I - 500, here and...
-is strange. And I have a husband - 500, I - 500, on 300 bottles hand over, and in the house - a sphere drive...

*****

The thought came to mind somehow and speaks:
-want to Drink?

*****

- Simply trouble with my husband. Still sits in pivnoy.
-Yes, to it it would be worth following an example of my husband. It was brought home for a long time.

*****

The drunk (And) after roughly spent night wakes up at home. Also solved pozvonit
drugu (D), at which pyanstvoval.
a: - It you are Vasya? Well we touched already a glitch went yesterday! Especially when the lemon on a table on thin legs ran!
D: - So it you are a reptile, (the whimper is heard), my canary, in tea squeezed out!?

*****

The drunk after a wine party wakes up. Pokhmelitsya
negde. Here he remembers that at the woman Manya Vsegda
mozhno to get samogonu.
prikhodit to her and speaks:
- The Woman Manya, in shop sugar prodayut.
-Yes you that a piece of chalk, and my moonshine on an oven na
kogo I it ostavlyu.
-do not worry, the woman Manya, I will see for one i
opokhmelyus.
baba Manya runs away. The drunk on economy,
opokhmelilsya sits. It is time already and water for okhlazhdeniya
samogona menyat.
vzyal 2 buckets and ran to a well, gathered vody.
vozvrashchayetsya, and there two cops sit. Took away ego
i forced explanatory pisat.
pishet:
"I Wake up in the morning, I look the woman Manya dom
gorit. I am enough a bucket, I gather waters and pribegayu
k to it home, and two cops moonshine look drive there".

*****

The commander of crew wakes up (pilots), looks in a ceiling. And it all peeled, beds around state, blankets full of holes, some men. - SHTURMAN;
-I, companion MAYOR;
-Navigator where we?
-In my opinion in vytrezvitele;
-Well on h%ya to me such accuracy, you the city tell!!!

*****

The husband with a hangover wakes up and to zhene:
-Let's pokhmelitsya... You everything drank
-yesterday...
-A in the refrigerator? You drank
-Tu the day before yesterday...
-A in a sideboard? You vipit
-Tu three days ago...
-A that on a kitchen garden is buried!?
-A that, you drank last week when testyyu 40 days otmechali.
-Tyu, you, and I think, chevo it it so long is not visible :-(

*****

The man with a hangover wakes up. Goes to the refrigerator. On the road unveils from a cage with a parrot. Comes on kitchen. Opens the refrigerator. Gets the vodka which is drunk not enough since evening. Drinks 100 gr. Then more and more and still. "Carries" it. It being unsteady goes again towards a bedroom. On the road covers a cage with a parrot and falls to sleep. A voice from a cage from under a cover: - Oh *** but long day mlya.

*****

The man with a hangover wakes up and on a breast the badger sits,
you who?
- барсук
- and why a badger?
da on you, drunks, little squirrels you will not save enough!

*****

The man with terrible pokhmelya:
-Tak wakes up there was a Friday, tomorrow Saturday yesterday... My God!!! And today that in a day???!

*****

The man (M) utorm from Welsh onion wakes up - the head cracks, mood lousy...
Wife calls him to have breakfast. (L) sits down sups a borsch, and speaks:
- The Blyadsky father-in-law throws then a spoon...
beret also continues a spoon further hleb@t, in perplexity...
potom, a spoon and so nadryvno:
- The Mother-in-law, a bough again throws, - I hate a creature...
beret also continues a spoon further hleb@t, in general shocked...
nakonets takes courage and asks:
-Darling, something happened?
(M) in rage breaks a spoon it on lbu:
-Something happened, something happened - imechko to you thought up such that the normal person and cannot remember in the morning...

*****

The man from a terrible bodun wakes up. In a mouth dried up, hands shiver, and would have a sleep still - yes strongly "a bit" a wish arose. From a bed slipped, on a stenochka, the shivering hands touching, it doratsya somehow to a toilet. Rose, rassegnut a fly, got "friend", relaxed. Then looked at it and speaks:
-Here you see when it is necessary for YOU - I always get up...

*****

The Snow Maiden after New year wakes up, and to Ded Hear Morozu:
-, the grandfather, after yesterday's nothing pomnyu.
-Well when to kids came to a fir-tree, you already were drunk, then couple more of glasses of a namakhnul, and I began a striptease tantsevat.
- And I think, che at me full cowards of candies.

*****

The old man Hottabych (dank autumn morning, a hangover wakes up...), opens one eye and looks round the room: around empty bottles roll, the furniture is broken... opens the second eye: together with this movement comes to mind sharp bol; he groans and reaches for a beard... Without having found any hair there - clutches at the head... it is bald, looks at a breast, in armpits - there are no hair. Delays an elastic band of pants looks... WELL THANK GOD - THOUGH ON BEER REMAINED!!!

*****

The old man Hottabych from a big bodun wakes up in the morning, feels sick, the head cracks, hands shiver, it is necessary to freshen the nip urgently. Drop down for the chin - there a goal. It to Volke:
-Venerable Volka, whether you where my beard got to will tell? I told
-to you:" Let's order at once a box". And you:" On fifty, on fifty..."

*****

Wakes up in the morning the man with stunned boduna.
pit there is a wish. Hardly came to kitchen. Lo and behold - somehow everything is pure, anything is not present. Drank waters from under the crane - does not legchat. Looked at a table - a note: "Left forever, farewell". Looked at the watch - long ago was late for work. Found the last cigarette, came to a balcony to smoke. Weather on the street the disgusting: rain, snow, wind, cold. Wore out the man. Well, thinks, life was not successful! It is necessary with it konchat.
snyal from a hook on a ceiling a chandelier, began to look for a rope - cannot find. Incidentally remembered that the rope on a case lies. Got behind it on a case, and there is shkalik vodka, a bread slice a covered. The man took in one hand shkalik, in another - a slice hleba.
-About! And day is adjusted!!!

*****

- I wake up, and at a bed the box of vodka costs. Well, I think, it was drunk up! I close eyes, again I open - there is no vodka!
-Managed, means?
-Well, the question everything torments: why I closed eyes?

*****

There passes a man by a pothouse, and an internal voice asks:
-Will come?
muzhik, having gritted teeth, there are dalshe.
vnutrenny golos:
-You as want, and I will come!

*****

The passerby shames the citizen celebrating small need on zabor:
-As it is not a shame to you! Look - two steps away from you obshchestvennaya
ubornaya!
-I cannot urinate where people drink and have a snack!

*****

60 percent water - truly Russian dietary drink. It is useful to those to whom it is a lot of water harmfully. Well flows, it is perfectly drunk, promotes appetite and good mood. Liberates soznaniye.
sostav: water - 60%, alcohol - 40%