Jokes about drunks

Read funny Jokes about drunks

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Hottabych wakes up with a hangover, there is to a toilet, asks:
-Volka from there, I that it at me on find fault with such small blue run and whistle?
-Yes it you cops knitted, and you on h@y sent them.

*****

- You want to drink?
-Of course. And what it at your vodka such taste strange? I do not know
-... I will not poison with
-A? I also wanted to learn This
-.

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The tsar called to himself Ivanushku-duraka and speaks:
-If tomorrow do not bring two speaking birds, the head otrublyu.
ivan brought a sparrow and an eagle owl. The tsar speaks:
-Well, let something will be told. Ivan asks:
-Vorobey, how much earlier vodka in shop was?
vorobey:
-Chirik.
ivan filinu:
- And you, eagle owl, podtverdi.
filin:
-Ugu!

*****

Chapayev having constructed a division, skomandoval:
-Who drank yesterday - a step forward! Nobody vyshel.
-Once again I ask - who drank yesterday? Failed Petka and eshche
odin careless krasnoarmeets.
-Means more nobody drank? System molchit.
- Then so: we three go in sat down to freshen the nip, and the rest tovarishch
furmanov will read lecture about harm of alcoholism.

*****

3 o'clock in the morning, in the apartment at the man call phone. It, loudly using foul language,
podkhodit to phone, takes the call and speaks:
-ALLO
V the answer drunk golos:
-Hallo, I by phone tell it?
-Is not present, mlya, on the TV!
-your mother! The air, and I in pants.

*****

8 o'clock in the morning. A call in city spravochnuyu.
-Hallo! Tell when the wine and vodka department of an epicure of N13 opens?
operator immediately glances over spravochnik:
-B 14 chasov.
-Thanks...
10 of o'clock in the morning. A call in city spravochnuyu:
-Hallo! S-tell, p-pozhalsta, in how many opens in - wine vodka department in-... in-... in N13 epicure?
molniyenosno is glanced over spravochnik:
-B 14 chasov.
-S-spasibo.
12 hours p.m. The call in city spravochnuyu.
-to A-Ava, [language is absolutely braided] S-tell, to - when... Ik!!! mmmagazin N number...
operator not vyderzhivayet:
-Sorry, citizen! I already the third time explain to you - at 14 o'clock. And in general, when will open then will come!
-Yes m - me to leave...

*****

- From what people have a hangover?
- When the person drinks alcohol, in an organism microbes perish, and since morning survived arrange commemoration.

*****

- You that such rumpled?
-Yes about Pyana got into the car, got, it appeared washing.

*****

- You that it do not work? - the bricklayer at pomoshchnika.
-Yes here took an interest, after the yesterday's I cannot depart, and hands fine tryasutsya.
-Well go then sift sand.

*****

- Than we will wash down vodka?
-Coca!
-Ney, I grazed... I have a weak liver...

*****

Than vodka is more expensive, it is better for those, and the it is better, the closer on quality to pure spirit solution which is several times cheaper than the cheapest vodka.

*****

- What do you do?
-I Drink vodku.
- And why one? The Others could not catch up with
-.

*****

- Than vodka differs from alcohol?
-Well to drink alcohol mozhno
- And vodka?
-A vodka - is necessary!

*****

In half an hour there will come New Year. On the become empty streets the couple with full bags hurries home. They will come across on vomiting pyanogo.
-Here see, - the husband reproaches the wife, - people have already fun! And you have all at the last moment!

*****

Four drunks argue at whom more hand trusyatsya.
pervyy:
-I only from a neck drink until a glass to a mouth I inform - all razlivayu.
vtoroy:
- And I and from a neck I cannot - I beat out teeth! Tretiy:
- And I when pisat so three times I finish! Chetvertyy:
- And I cannot normally pokakat: until I wipe - I will smear all shit on a back to a neck!!!

*****

Four friends come back from work and decided to drink on a glass of beer and on hundred grams of vodka. But when approached a pothouse, one heaved a deep sigh and went dalshe.
-Where you? - Friends called to him. Unless you do not want to come?
-Ya with pleasure, but I with myself have no money...
-What trifles! Let's go with us, after all nobody forces to drink you!

*****

Excessive alcohol intake in a sauna leads to a call of prostitutes.

*****

What yesterday was? How to remember, what yesterday occurred? How to remember?!
Aaa, remembered! The devil, remembered! Bliiiin! How to forget? How to forget??!!

*****

What do we do when we gather together? I do not know, I already drunk come...

*****

What do we do when we gather together?
DA beer we drink our light advanced!
I if there is a question, always one!
KAKOY of the TRESTLE BROUGHT the KLIN!!!

*****

That can be worse - to drink denatured alcohol from denaturala

*****

There was a man at night through a cemetery. A darkness strashnayanichy it is not visible and upal
muzhik in the dug-out grave around. Shkryab-shkryab - vyvelst cannot. Shkryab-shkryab -
vyvelsti cannot. There is nothing to do sits in a hole waits for morning. Suddenly hears in daleke:
bum... Boom... Boom... Boom... Boom... Boom... And it is one more man drunk goes,
golovoy knocks down crosses and... too falls in this hole. Shkryab-shkryab - vyvelst ne
mozhet. Shkryab-shkryab - vyvelst not mozhet.
-Yes you will not get out, - tells the first muzhik.
shkryab-shkryab-shkryab-shkryab-shkryab-shkryab. Bum-Bum-Bum-Bum-Bum-Bum.

*****

Six mornings. The drunk man at a stop holds a column and is unsteady. Nearby there is a grandma and vorchit:
-Nazhralsya since morning!
A the man looked at it and otvechayet:
-A that, I... I will go for work not of a zhravsha?

*****

School. The first lesson - mathematics. The teacher slowly enters a class, carefully falls on stul:
-Children! Write down a statement of the problem... Two young intelligent women... decided to pass away an evening... They bought... Champagne bottle... Vermouth bottle... Cognac bottle... Two bottles of vodka... The voice of the teacher becomes more silent, the head is hung on a table and it stops... A voice from klassa:
-Mar Ivanna! And what is asked?!
uchitelnitsa slowly lifts golovu:
-Is asked?. It is asked - still beer was to drink a nafig?.

*****

- Stierlitz!
VAM should be explained, from where on my ankles prints of your fingers, - told Myuller.
-Remembered!
-answered Shtirlits.
-A few days ago I helped Holtoffu to transfer you drunk through the road.

*****

Eisenhower told Khrushchev that in Moscow directly on streets there are a lot of rolling pyanykh.
na that Khrushchev answered: Like, at you in America this good too hvatayet.
eyzenkhauer right there exclaimed: Come to America if see though one rolling drunk on the street, then can shoot down it!
posle of visit of Khrushchev to the USA local newspapers reported that the unknown bald gangster shot directly on the street of several Soviet diplomats.

*****

Relay 4 on 100 - ours on penultimate meste.
estafeta 4 on 200 - ours in seredine.
estafeta 4 on half of liter - ours is not present the equal.

*****

- Eh, to return all money that I for all the life spent on drink... That you with them would make
-I?
-Oh, as if I got drunk!

*****

- Eh, I did not need to marry, - one employee drugomu.
-complains at work the Wife cannot suffer me when I am drunk, and I it am when trezvyy.
-I Envy you! One friend drugomu.
-Both daughters already in marriage vydal.
-Yes, tells to
-it tak.gg

*****

- Eh, if I manage to return all money which is spent on drink for all life...
-I that???
-Here would get drunk...

*****

- I am Alexey, and I am an alcoholic, I drink vodku.
-I Anatoly, and I am an alcoholic, I drink whisky with koloy.
-I am Sergey, and I am a bartender. Took the order.

*****

I stopped drinking!
PYu is no more than one shot glass. And when I will drink one shot glass, I become other person and he after all too wants to drink!

*****

- I am Victor, and I am an alcoholic, I drink vodku.
-I Anatoly, and I am an alcoholic, I drink viski.
-I Sergey, and I am an alcoholic, I drink tekilu.
-I Roman, and I am a bartender. Took orders.

*****

- I got home on the full drive yesterday!
-bought the Jeep?
-Not. So got drunk that it was necessary to go on all fours!

*****

- I drank cognac yesterday, 25 years of endurance. This endurance!
-Nonsense, I here the other day drank 5 liters of beer and went to Ivanovo without stops. This endurance!

*****

- I would drink something nonalcoholic, - the visitor ofitsiantu.
-Lemonade, juice, Pepsi Cola, mineral water told?
-All the same, - sadly sighed the visitor, - I in this case the beginner...

*****

- I said to you, what you can drink no more than two shot glasses and come back home no later than ten vechera.
-Yes? I mean everything mixed.

*****

I read about harm of alcoholism very much that since New year decided to stop reading.

*****

- I read about harm of alcohol and smoking very much that since New year solved brosit.
-What exactly: to drink or smoke? To Read
-.