Jokes about drunks

Read funny Jokes about drunks

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- I can think of ten things at the same time! If vodka to drink
-A?
- Then only about devyati.
- And what so?
-So vodka is drunk... That to think of it!

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I so understand, the gardening association is when in a garden vodka treskat with companions?

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- When I last time came home having drunk, children me not uznali.
- And when sobered up?
-A when sobered up, I understood that got not to that apartment...

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- I was not drunk!
- The Dude and you embraced the old bum and Dombldor shouted ", you are living!?"

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- I at the grandfather had a rest, so he has a samogonochka - a class! In the evening slightly drank - in the morning as anew was born!
-B sense?
-Well, found in cabbage!

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I know the measure: fell - and will be enough...

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I told binge "Is not present!". But it does not react to it...

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- I heard, you celebrate birthday of the son? Invite, money for gifts not pozhaleyu.
-I Know you. You will give on diapers, and you will drink on the whole blanket.

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I heard, you celebrate birthday of the son? Invite, money for a gift not pozhaleyu.
-I Know you, will give on diapers, and will drink on the whole blanket.

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- I asked you yesterday - do not drink more! I more also did not drink
-A! I drank as much, as usual.

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- A vodka box, a beer box, sausage and sobaka.
- And a dog what for? with
-someone Has to eat sausage...

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Meet dvoye:
-Hi, sylashat, what Petrovich died?
-Is not present and how?
-Drunk home prishel
-Heart rose?
-Well, it decided to smoke houses and the apartment zagorelas
-Burned down?
-Is not present, it firemen caused and in a window vyprygnul
-Broke?
-Not... there firemen spread an awning and it back in okno
-So after all burned down?
-Is not present... it by a window flew by and for a window sill was hooked well and obratno
-So means after all broke?
-Is not present, in the same place its awning on the road otkinulo
-So means brought down...
-Well there KamAZ trampolines carried it back to a window otkinulo
-So after all burned down???!!!
-Well, shot ego
-As so?
-Yes to darling... the l to and fro to fly.

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Two submarines - the Russian and amerikanskaya.
vsplyli face in Atlantic, captains got out on bridges. The American shouts v
megafon:
-Who are you?!
russkiy:
-Who х#@?! I?! The central post - torpedo attack!!!

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Ha of medical board of recruits before the surgeon, sitting on a stool, costs - hands on seams - the naked recruit. There all recruits stark naked. The surgeon writes down it in the magazine, askances at the recruit, at the middle of a trunk, and govopit:
-That, is already married?
ppizyvnik looks to itself at the middle of a trunk and speaks, kpasneya:
- And what? So considerably?
-Hy, a ring on a finger, - the surgeon mutters and writes further.

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Ha ucheniyakh.
- The Private Beldyev, at you still remained a little water in a flask?
-Of course, brother! As it you answer with
-to the senior on a rank! I repeat question :
u you there is a water?
-is not present In any way, companion sergeant!

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Ha examinations in intelligence school the entrant Pyotr Semenov did not answer on odin
voppos, in result of that was accepted at once on the second course.

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Ketyat two pilots each other on vstrechu.
-Listen, it is necessary somehow to us razletetsya.
-A, well give you on the left, I on the right.

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The commander told recruits about importance of their service for the country and in kontse
vystupleniya ppedlozhil:
-Well and now those who wants to deserve the medal "For Faultless Service", pposhu
vstat.
vse soldiers, except for one, quickly podnyalis.
- And you, Smith, - the officer asked it, - why do not get up? Because the chaplain told
-in the sermon yesterday that to tell a lie -
eto a sin.

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– And if in fight cartridges come to an end What to do?
-to Shoot further to mislead the opponent.

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- And I in a military registration and enlistment office watched yesterday the fairy tale. As one man of two generals supported, and his son did not go to army.

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- And that the general is silent?
-Thinks. At us in army so: if the general is silent, so or thinks, or - a portrait.

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And know, why buckets from fire-prevention boards with a sharp bottom? And that firemen, running with these buckets to and fro, did not stop to smoke and a bottom %% to etyet!

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- And you know, Vasily, I with you in investigation not poshel.
-It why? Remained Ya would be better here. Terribly to me. I am afraid.

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- And my dog from the house left yesterday...
-Where?
-Ya gave it command: "to serve", and she put on a helmet and went to army.

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- And the truth, what army does silly, indifferent, dependent and aggressive? I do not know
- And I do not want to know. I will go the ensign I will ask... or on a neck I will give you.

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- A-a-a-tdat the nasal!
-Is to give the nasal! To Give to
- The fodder!
-Is to give the fodder!
-to Check a buoy by effort of six people to a separation!
-to eat, check a buoy by effort of six people to a separation!. The buoy is checked by

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- And cho, however, that won against Germans near Moscow of type because of a pedantry?
-Not absolutely so. At Germans language is more difficult and longer. For example, phrase: "It is necessary to shoot on this tank", it is translated as "Dieser Panz

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The Yunayted Eyre airline nearly dismissed one too cheerful steward who after a landing of the plane and giving of a ladder did not find anything cleverer, than to declare in salon on loud svyazi:
-... By rules of our airline who leaves the last - cleans the plane!
ChEM caused the real panic among passengers...

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The admiral goes on the deck of the ship along a system matrosov.
-Hello, companions sailors! Stroy:
-we wish Health, companion admiral! Suddenly the admiral comes in dermo:
-Why on the deck - a heap of shit?! Stroy:
-Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah!

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The admiral liked to give the most unexpected commands. Having risen by the ship once, he removed a peak-cap, threw it on the deck and declared matrosam:
-It is a bomb. Your actions? The young sailor, without hesitation, kicked
ODIN on a peak-cap so that it fell down in water. All held breath, expecting reaction of the admiral. That pointed by a hand to a floating peak-cap and the Person behind a board gave new komandu:
-!

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Admiral's review on the flagman cruiser.... The Black Sea, a sunny weather, patches of light on tender waves, seagulls stridently shout...
ekipazh in full dress, clean, shaved, flags curl on heat to a veterochka... The mood at all raised, the admiral delighted with the ship and crew, simply will not rejoice... Bypasses a system, all - as on selection, guardsmen, in a word! There is it along a system, extols sailors, it is necessary to throw up the head to glance in eyes to the good fellow... And suddenly, at the end of a rank, the latest.... About MY GOD! Growth meter - twenty, a form gray, a collar is overwound, fastened in front, the stripped vest black and to knees hangs from under a jacket, a peakless cap on ears - an eye it is not visible.... The admiral, shocked, asks:
-You to whom is similar, uyobishche???!!!!
-On the grandmother Galya.....

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- To Alya, it is base?
-you got not there. It is rocket baza.
-It you got not there. Who will pay me for my shed?!

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- Alyo! Yes, I. Hi, kid! No. No, darling, I will not come today. Puski-potseluski!
-It who was?!
-Yes from a military registration and enlistment office.

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- Hallo, it is base?
-you got not there. It is rocket baza.
-It you got not there! Who will pay me for my shed?!

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- Hallo, it is base?
Sorry, you were mistaken, it is rocket base!
No, it you were mistaken who to me will restore a shed now?

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- Hallo, it is a military registration and enlistment office?
-Yes, I you slushayu
-you can take away me in army?
-Of course we can. And where you now are?
-B to prison...

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- Hallo, psikhlechebnitsa? That can you tell
-DA
-about the person who in the 6th mornings of all awakes with playing a pipe?
-Is desirable to hospitalize him. Your address?
-Military unit #......, barracks, man on duty.

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- Hallo! Stasik, very long ago I did not call you. How session? Entered the second year? Why you cannot speak? You stand on a post with the machine gun? I don't think!

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Alfred Nobel is considered the first inventor of dynamite only for that simple reason that previous it was not succeeded to identify.