Jokes about drunks

Read funny Jokes about drunks

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- You have vodka?
-A to you 18 is? You the license have
-A?
-Well, all right. That it was got at once...

*****

The entrance to wineproducing department of an epicure has a man with such sad, hopeless and sad look. Here other man pays to him attention, like sympathy, approaches and speaks:
-it is healthy, the friend! That you long - money is not present?
-Well... there is money...
-So - vodka is not present?
-Yes is vodka.
- The Man shows on a neck of the untouched bottle lying in a pocket. - And snack est.
-Wait, maybe, the company is not present?
-Yes well, at me here the half-region of friends, only whistle...
- Then that? Perhaps wife drunk not puskayet.
- And... lets, to me it is always glad...
-So in what business?! That you toil? You Understand
-, THERE is NO WISH!... For the first time!

*****

- You have a new maid? Whether
-were asked by lord Gray the lord of Osvalda.
-you Are happy with it? I do not know
-, - answered tot.
-I still never saw it in sober vide.
-Really it is drunk constantly?
-Not it, but I.

*****

- At us with the wife the rule: day I buy products, day - it. Here i
poluchayetsya: we drink day, day is had a snack.

*****

At each alcoholism the smell special: Liqueur smells secret imaginations as freedom. Champagne smells as a coquetry and flirtation. The injured muzzle - the diluted alcohol. As debauchery and passion cognac smells. An explosive positive - absinthe liqueur on an empty stomach. Wine gives expensive restaurant. From Vermouth smells as giggling drunk. As cocktails uproar and spirit smell. Of ferment intoxicated the drunk stinks. Loss of ability to move - vodka. Stremlenyem on women to walk - whisky a pile. Gin smells as desire to get drunk beautifully. Zhelanyem to cast beer differs. A hangover heavy since morning - Armagnac... And only the sobriety does not smell in any way!!!

*****

At the man sprosili:
-Why you drink very much recently?
-It at me nasledstvennoye.
-In what sense?
-Died the mother-in-law and left in inheritance twenty liters of moonshine.

*****

At men in the yard the huge tree grew, in any way to cut down it ne
mogut. Well, they called the drunk, gave a vodka bottle. Wake up in the morning, the drunk sleeps, vodka is not present, and the tree costs. Called the glue sniffer, gave him glue, acetone, still any muck. Utrom
prosypayutsya, the glue sniffer the killed lies, glue and acetone came to an end, the tree costs. Called the addict, "Belomora", shmal gave him. Wake up in the morning - the addict, shmat, a tree, the half of wood it is cut down, and knock of an axe somewhere is in the distance audible. Run up, and the addict there with might and main brings down trees, only chips letyat.
-Hey! You that! You one tree were asked to cut down, and you spoiled the half of woods!
-Yes, children, understand, at first on a trick, and then punched...

Soviet period. Turn of drunks in perfumery shop behind cologne. Suddenly one drunk of all parts forcibly, being torn to a counter, and demands at prodavshchitsy:
-to me, please, 5 bottles "Threefold" odekolona.
-Already sorted. Take "Lily of the valley" - whether everything is equal?
-It to YOU all the same, and me - on a table to expose!

*****

One man had a parrot. Not fools to drink both. Once the man came with a bottle, sat down at a table, was going to drink. Popugay:
- And me pour...
-to me here to one is not enough. Yes you even will ask to freshen the nip in the morning...
-Not budu.
-Well if you are, I to you all feathers vyshchiplyu. It agrees?
-Soglasen.
utro. The man pours the remains in a glass. The parrot goes on a table backwards-forward, about something with concentration razmyshlyaya.
-Well that before eyes you flicker?
-Yes here I think, the owner. And on the devil to me feathers?

*****

At one bubble Pushkin, Lermontov and Mayakovski;y gathered decided to celebrate a holiday - it is necessary to divide. Having conferred, decided that the one who about how many will compose, that so much and vypyet.
pushkin:
rybki float on a bottom, -
vypyyu a liqueur glass odnu.
vypivayet ryumku.
lermontov:
rybki float at the bottom, - I dve.
gordo overturn liqueur glass
vypyyu dve.
mayakovskiy:
vy children good fellows,
ostalnoye will be drunk by me.

*****

At the crosswalk waiting for the allowing light of the traffic light stand lyudi.
netverdoy gait approaches pyanyy:
-Thank God... reached!. Is this the end of the line?

*****

The drunk had enough forces to reach the dveri.
on inserted a key into a keyhole and right there upal.
prospal to utra.
utrom the wife gathers for work, tries to open a key a door iznutri.
klyuch not vkhodit.
togda she started shouting: Vaska, parasite!
otkroy a door I am late for work!
ON raised the head and answers: And where gadded all night long there and go!

*****

In a family tak:
odin day I buy products from us, - Wife.
vot and poluchayetsya:
den we drink another, day is had a snack...

*****

At those who drinks for a long time, proteins and other unclear beings start appearing the devil. Jokes on this subject there is a set. My selection for those who wants to laugh and right now.

*****

- Dear visitors, the bar is closed!.... We creep out, we creep out!...

*****

Ukrainian village. Night. 4 men, on a table of 3 empty jars of moonshine and 1 - half sit at a table. They sit 5 minutes, 10, 15, 20... Suddenly somewhere in the distance began a bark pes.
-Well, to manut for the Ball!

*****

Ukrainian village, night. The man under a hut window (in a whisper):
-of Mykola!
ottuda (the squeezed whisper) of
-Chey?
-of Vykhod!
-Why?
-Ya laid up torches here, dumplings fried, mushrooms, cucumbers, we will drink! I do not smear
-Ta!
-a che???
-Ta @@ a mustache I, be it wrongly!!!

*****

The mathematics lesson, sits the teacher in big black glasses. - Children opened a notebook we write, oh is only silent please. Three young, beautiful women, wrote down? Oh only do not shout please. Went to the bar and ordered champagne. Oh there on the first school desk do not fasten with chairs I beg, then ordered beer, then cocktail. Oh silently there turn over a notebook. A question, on what x.... one more bottle of vodka was necessary for them?

*****

Dropped vodka on a floor...
otorvali to the Bear of a hand.

*****

Having heard about sharp decrease in quotations in world stock markets, Erofey from Babruysk jumped out of a window of the office. The doctors who arrived to a place stated total absence of any damages on a body of Erofeya.
oni explained it to that the janitor Erofey was very drunk, and his office (yard cleaner's lodge) is in the semibasement room.

*****

The man gets a job on plant, passes sobesedovaniye.
-Well and the last question - You drink vodka?
-A that - is?
-No, is purely hypothetical question .
-A- And... Purely hypothetically - I do not drink.

*****

Morning. Bus. There is a man, drunk in a dupelina. Hardly standing держится.
Какая the granny vorchit.
-Early morning, and already got drunk!
muzhik turns to ney.
- And what I will go for work not of a zhravsha? Yes?

*****

Morning. The man in a terrible hangover, each rustle is given in the head molotkom.
vdrug he gets up, takes a cat by the scruff and throws out from the apartment. Wife:
-You that! Moron!!!
A husband otvechayet:
-All cats as cats, and this: top top, top top!!!

*****

Morning. The man wakes up with a hangover, opens curtains, unveils from a cage with a parrot, goes on kitchen, opens a case, gets a glass, opens the refrigerator, gets vodka, discovers vodka, pours, drinks, cleans vodka in the refrigerator, cleans a glass, goes to the hall, closes curtains, covers a parrot, goes to bed... Da's
popugay:
-! Very long day!

*****

Morning, prodmagazin. The man with a hangover addresses to prodavshchitse:
-Give me it, only do not call, - and shows prilavka.
-Cigarettes aside? - asks ta.
-NET.
-Bread?
-NET.
-Vodka?
-of Vya-ya-aaa! (Feels sick on a counter). I asked - do not call.

*****

Morning. At work the employee suffers cruel pokhmelyem.
-Give I to you a tabletochka from the head of ladies, - it is sympathizing offers it kollega.
ona (having put the head on hands): Ne-e-e-t
-, I have to suffer, I have to remember that it is impossible to wash down cognac with "RiIfng"!.

*****

In the morning the wife opens a door. On a threshold You lie husband .
-why did not open for me a door when I knocked? I asked
-: "Petya, it you?" Why you were silent?
-Ya nodded.

*****

In the morning, after a Christmas party, the husband wakes up with terrible head bolyyu.
-Oh, as I awfully feel! - he began to complain supruge.
-Of course, - she told, - it was not necessary to drag from itself duraka.
-yesterday And what I such made?
-You began to swear at the boss, and he dismissed you... Da's
-? It went to hell! This
-you yesterday to it and said.
-I? - mistrustfully the husband asked. - Yes, it is necessary it something such zadobrit.
-do not worry now, I already made it... You can come to work tomorrow...

*****

In the morning, leaving for work, the wife finds on a landing sleeping muzha.
-I in you how many times asked yesterday - You it or not?
-Ya to you as much time nodded.

*****

1. Scientists consider that alcohol is harmful to a brain as kills nervous kletki.
2. Scientists consider that alcohol is useful to a brain as develops creative voobrazheniye.
vyvod: scientists most likely still smoke something.

*****

The teacher addict at a lesson geografii:
-Petrov how ducks fly?
-Kosyachkom.
-Is five, five... Ivanov how geese fly?
-Kosyachkom.
-Is five, five... You how horses run?
-Tabunom.
-Is two... How surname?
-Kosyachkov.
-O! These are five, five.

*****

- Felix Edmundovich! You think, revolution was made by us, Bolsheviks? A horse-radish to you,
revolyutsiyu made drunk matrosnya! In the evening on October 25 to me home were declared 3
pyanykh the sailor... and further as cut off.

*****

Party final. Twilight. All understood on couples. Man aktivno
lapayet partnershu.
-Oh, what smart bust! What narrow waist! Amazingly pravilnoy
formy hips! So!? And feet!!!??? Where feet!!??... Here, boughs!!
opyat palmed off a guitar!!!

*****

Finland. Terrible holod.
rybachit the Finn without cap. Cold, krasnye.
podkhodit the second Finn and asks:
-Listen to ears, and why you without cap?
-Yes here, fished I in a cap yesterday, and on other party of a pond the Russian drank vodka and called menya.
-Well and what?
-Ya was in a cap and heard nothing.

*****

French speak: "At good mood drink a wine bottle. At the bad - two" .
ETO what mood at me was yesterday...?

*****

The drunk man round a well goes and keeps saying:
-If this fence will not come to an end in 5 minutes, it is necessary to perelazit!!!

*****

The host with friends drinks vodka. Already in fair podpitiya he shouts zhene:
- When snack give? When to drink terminate
-!
khozyain claps friends on plecham:
-Means not soon, children. H-pour!

*****

The owner of night club brought somehow with himself a monkey. That took seat for royal
i began to strum the jazz skillfully. It proceeded until in a hall there was no other monkey, gave a good dressing-down of the first and zatem
utashchila it from the hall. Positelely the owner of club zametil:
-Yes do not pay attention to puzzled looks. Every time same history. It ego
mama, she all life dreamed that he became a doctor.

*****

Bury the addict. Follow the coffin name, bear wreaths s
nadpisyami to "Dear Vasya from friends", "Let to you there will kayfno be", etc. Nearby there is his mother and prichitayet:
-Vasenka! On whom you abandoned me! In the same place it is cold! Darkly! There you will not be fed!!! There nobody lyu bi-it you!!! One named Kolyan turns to the neighbor, and myamlit:
-! B. I will be, they to me home bear it!!!

*****

The good portion of alcohol on a beach will help you to dismiss silly thoughts of the kilograms gained during the winter.