Jokes about drunks

Read funny Jokes about drunks

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According to tradition as it was moved since ancient times, decided to wash that the thing served longer. And to wash it appeared there is nothing. It was necessary to chip in together and buy a soap tray that the desire to wash was not gone in vain.

*****

In the sunny Saturday afternoon the father with the sonny walk in park. The sonny without stopping kanyuchit:
- The Father, I want ice cream, well the father buy ice cream!
Ha that the father is instructive otvechayet:
- And I want ice cream, but money at us with you only on vodka.

*****

Protection of the master's thesis on a subject took place: "Introduction of alcohol through back pass". The author of dissertation scientifically proved that this way has advantages before the usual: it is a little necessary that opyanet;mozhno without zakuski;izo a mouth not pakhnet.
opponent asked a question as at this way to drink on brudershaft.
-It is a subject my doctor's, - the author of dissertation answered.

*****

Staff of one firm slowly from the chief drank on rabote.
spirtnoy drink did not leave behind a smell. After a while shef
vyzyvayet to yourself pyanchuzhek.
-If drink - speaks to them, - that drink alcohol with a smell. Pust
posetiteli think better that deal with drunk professionals, than s
trezvymi idiots!

*****

The social project - new vodka "Protect health!": when opening a cover the bottom falls off.

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- Are not interested in spiritism?
-Is not present, I drink only dry and beer.

*****

The American, the Frenchman and the Russian argue who drinks more...
A: - Here I got drunk yesterday... I wake up in the morning, I look the wife washing, my children, my house, and the car under the house not mine. Represent as got drunk that arrived by someone else's machine!!!!
F: - Here I got drunk yesterday... I wake up, I look my children, my house, the wife washing with a row, and on the other hand the mistress lies. Represent as got drunk that the mistress home privyol.
r: - It everything h@ynya. I wake up naked on a musornik yesterday, h@y costs, and on him the crow sits and eggs pecks, and I have such dry trees that I even "Kysh" cannot tell!!!!

*****

The herd of bisons runs with a speed of the slowest bizona.
okhotniki hunt on the slowest bizinov.
iz-for it all other herd runs bystree.
tak and with alkogolem:
alkogol kills the slowest and weak cages in organizme.
iz for it all organism starts working quicker and better.

*****

The old man caught a goldfish. That promises to grant three of his desires if it it otpustit.
-my First desire, - is told by the old man, - make so that water in that river in vodka prevratilas.
makhnula a small fish a tail and granted desire starika.
-my Second desire, - the old man speaks, - make so that and in the blue sea all water in vodka prevratilas.
makhnula a small fish a tail and the second desire ispolnila.
dumal the old man, thought, scraped golovu:
-my Third desire, the third, means... All right, expose small with snack and slide from here!

*****

The old man Mikhalycha was not loved in the village. In 1929 it dropped a moonshine large bottle.

*****

The old lady for the first time in life suggested to try beer. Having drunk a drink, it udivilas:
-it is strange! It so tastes like medicine which my husband took the last twenty years!

*****

Intoxication degrees. The Pervaya.
-Afitsant why you have fat napkins? I am guilty
-A that you are wiped by pancakes. The Vtoraya.
-Afitsant bring a door. I will leave. The third. Sits down in a taxi. Taxi driver: To you where?
M: And you еб$т. The fourth. Comes home. Sees the wife and children.
-Gde-to I already saw all of you, but all the same go. I will sleep.

*****

There is a drunk at a stop and holds a column that not upast.
podpolzayet to it other drunk and asks: - You that do here?
-zhdu.
-So you with this hrenoviny in one tram will not start up the Tram!

*****

There is very sad man at a counter wine magazina.
podkhodit drugoy:
-That stand, money is not present?
-Is... (a long sigh) Perhaps vodka is not present
-???
-of Wons, watch, too is...
-A (sigh) in what business???
-He wants...

*****

There is a cop, brakes wheelbarrows. Companion driver stops pervogo:
-you pyany.
-Yes are not present, is not drunk...
- Then breathe in sharik.
vodila breathes. The cop with udivleniyem:
- The First degree of intoxication, a penalty - 500 shtuk.
vodila paid off, left. The cop brakes sleduyushchego:
-Companion driver you pyany.
-Yes are not present, is not drunk...
- Then breathe in sharik.
vodila breathes. The cop with voskhishcheniyem:
- The Second degree of intoxication, a penalty - 800 shtuk.
vtoroy paid off uyekhal.
ostanavlivayet tretyego:
-Companion driver you pyany.
-Yes are not present, is not drunk...
- Then breathe in sharik.
-So it a condom?!
-of Hm, really sober, pass...

*****

There is a man at wine shop, grustny-grustnyy:
-Eh, here trouble! It is necessary...
prokhozhy asks:
-That, the man, is not present money?
-Yes is...
-That, really did not deliver vodka?
-Yes in bulk...
-So that you such sad?
-Yes does not want!.

*****

There is a man at a stop, drunk, embracing a lamppost, and sadly tak
schitayet:
-One tram left... one more... And one more... There was near it a man,
podoshel and is interested - so, what do not go - that?
-of Aaaa... All one - in the tram with a floor lamp will not let...

*****

There is a man in a gate in stuff drunk and pisat. Here the intellectual and asks:
- The Man approaches it, you will not prompt, where here nearby conservatory?
muzhik looked at it the estimating look and speaks:
-All right..... Si here....

*****

There is near a column a drunkard and threshes a fist in a column... Podkhodit
militsioner.
-Citizen! What do you do here? Yes here companion chief - the wife to the house does not start up
-...
-A well depart. The militiaman gets up on his place and nachinayet
stuchat with krikom:
-Gra-a-azhdanochka otkro - about - oyte! It is militia!

*****

There is at a stop a man drunk as a cobbler, embraces a lamppost. By another creeps alkash:
-Eeee, bratoook and you with such floor lamp in one trolleybus will not let!

*****

There is at a beer stall a drunk - money is not present, and there is a wish to drink. Reshil
skhitrit: took an empty beer mug, urinated in it and threw mukhu.
podkhodit to the shop assistant and speaks:
- The Girl, you beer gave me, and in it mukha.
-Everything, questions net.
nalila in a pure glass of beer, and this took away. Then from urine mukhu
vytashchila and this mug gave to the client's following. That departed, took a sip, to it and asks:
-Sorry, and SHIT on snack you have no
vernulsya!!!

*****

There is as that a drunk man (M) at a stop, well the nikakashka, and here approaches it the lady (D).
(D) - the Man, you are drunk!
(M) - Well - at and chyo!
otvernulsya also costs. Minutes through five joyfully it is so developed to ney:
(M) - Zheshchina, and- And your nogi-i-i is curve-y-ye!
(Zh) - Well and that!
(M) - And I tomorrow since morning will sober up!!!!!

*****

There is a drunk man at a stop in an embrace with stolbom.
k to him another approaches drunk and asks:
-Someone's you do here?
- The Bus zhdu.
- The Simpleton who in the bus with such floor lamp will let you?

*****

There is a drunk man in the middle of the street and recovers. Approaches militsioner:
-Could and for uglom.
- And what I have a member - a fire hose, perhaps?!

*****

There is a drunk man and knocks on a column. speaks:
-Masha open a door! Masha open!
podkhodit militiaman. speaks:
- The Citizen why we storm? Breathe!
TOT dykhnul.
militsioner knocks on a column and speaks:
- The Citizen, open, please, a door.

*****

There is a drunk Black having leaned about a tree and vomits... The man i
asks:
-approaches Che it, got drunk?
-Yes...
-of Huyevo to you perhaps?
-Yes... Home perhaps you want
-?
-Yes... Wait a moment
-, now I will place...

*****

There is a man, drunk in zero, helplessly makes a helpless gesture, trying нечленораздельно
что skazat:
-A-a-a-a, Y-y-y-y... Two guys approach it, having solved pomoch:
-Well, the father, it is necessary to freshen the nip? In otvet:
-A-a-a-a, Y-y-y-y... To Buy
-not mozhesh; do not know what to give? Man, kivaya:
-A-a-a-a, Y-y-y-y...
- Then collect all the forces, open a door of shop, surely come, approach k
prilavku, firmly tell: "Give me port for ruble seventy." Understood?! V
otvet unsteady "yes". Brought it to a door. That comes, approaches a counter i
skorogovorkoy speaks:
-Give me port for ruble seventy! Prodavets:
-That, what?
-A-a-a-a, Y-y-y-y...

*****

Costs drunk at a column and knocks on it kulakom:
-Wife, open! The wife, open!
podkhodit the militiaman and asks:
-That it you the citizen knock?
-Yes here, wife door not otkryvayet.
-Yes you drunk, same column! And well, breathe!
alkash-ak dykhnet.
-Grazhdanochka, open!

*****

Costs drunk at a tram stop and holds a column not to fall. Another same creeps up and asks:
-You that do here?
-zhdu.
-So you with this hrenoviny in one tram will not start up the Tram!

*****

There is among the street a drunk man. The militiaman and speaks:
- The Citizen approaches a proydemta it, in office, you break a public order!
MUZHIK:
-Depart a dog!
militsioner:
-So... also the insult at fulfillment of duties, from you a penalty 3 rublya.
muzhik gets chervonets from a pocket. Militsioner:
-But I have no delivery with 10 rubley.
-Well... then you... dog... dog... dog... and a puppy - ruble!

*****

There is in an insole a drunk man in the middle of the street and opravlyaetsya.
podkhodit militsioner:
-Could and for uglom.
- And what I have a member - a fire hose, perhaps?!

*****

There are two drunks at wine otdela:
-Well, how many will take today: two or three? We Will take
-two, and that was taken yesterday by three, and one ostalas.
-Give four bottles of vodka and two toffees.

*****

There are two drunks in pivnoy.
-Well you as? Did not marry yet?
-Well. How many years go to our pothouse and in any way poryadochnuyu
devushku I will not meet everything.

*****

There are two with a vodka bottle. Resembles still odin:
-it will be possible I for the third?
-Well, you will be the fourth...
-you only two?
-A we three already on #$: sent!

*****

–Why the country which won Hitler cannot cope With vodka?
-so it never the first attacks.

*****

- Strange at you somehow the furniture costs: a piano on a case, the TV in the refrigerator... Made shift?
-UGU.
-On feng shui probably?
-Yes not... on excite...

*****

Builders sit on building, the foreman, asks:
-Well as approaches?
-is bad, but it is impossible to work still...
-Well, is impossible so nelzya.
otoshel. In an hour again podkhodit.
-Well as? - asks.
-It is absolutely good, but it is impossible to work already.

*****

Whether the judge asks podsudimogo:
-you Recognize, what in a state of intoxication tried to go to the Tretyakov gallery? I Recognize
-! In a sober look it would not come to my mind.

*****

The judge asks the murderer sentenced to death and alkogolika:
-What type of death you prefer?
-Through organism poisoning with alcohol.