Jokes about drunks

Read funny Jokes about drunks

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Satan: Well, on beer, also we will issue the transaction? What Faust you prefer?
faust: Words your, empty promises who is a good judge of the best, that would offer vodka!

*****

Wedding table. All lie the drunk. Suddenly from under a table the man gets out and asks:
-Who did not bang the bride yet? After a while from a table lifts golovu
paren wearing spectacles and answers: - I. - And who you are? - How who? Groom! - Otvyan, you eshche
uspeesh.

*****

Today, at eight o'clock in the morning, the loader Flakonov made a discovery of the century...
... in a minute it opened the second eyelid. :) OH wakes up... white tile around, cool... The person in a white dressing gown enters...
-of Hkhide I?
-B mortuary...
-Huten morkhen!

*****

Today I will tell you how to become soul of the company!
for of it will be required to you a bubble of vodka and... And, perhaps, all!

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Secrets tasty and healthy pishchi:
-buy a vodka bottle, and any used snack automatically becomes also tasty and healthy.

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- Syoma that you so herovo drink champagne?
-Yes, a pancake, I savor it...
-You went nuts, perhaps, to savor?! Guzzle give - we have its six bottles!

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Drink seven times - cast once!

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- The Serega, where are you? We vodka razlili.
-I Run! I run!
-do not run, I speak - poured, but did not pour

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The drunk during the holiday, before it a glass of vodka sits. Drinks a half and dies. In heavens tells Bogu:
-Listen, I beg, turn me in a bug, a spider, in anyone, only return me - vodka should be drunk up, in the same place still a half-glass remained!
BOG agreed, turned it into a spider, and the drunk appeared on a ceiling, directly over stakanom.
-So after all I will not get!
-A you tuzhsya, from you a web will get, you to a glass also will go down!
tuzhitsya it, makes an effort, already almost over a glass, and suddenly - stop! Further in any way! Well to do
-, I make an effort, and in any way further not to go down! You are stronger than
-A tuzhsya! He is stronger than
tuzhitsya, makes an effort, suddenly it someone on a shoulder stuchit:
-Vas, wake up, you were trashed!

*****

The American in the Irish pub sits and solved prikolotsya.
-Hear dudes who will be able to drink at once 10 mugs of a dark ginnes,
poluchit from me the check for 500 baker!
nikto disagreed, only one dude got up because of a table both quickly vyshel.
zaskuchal the American and suddenly feels, what it touch for plecho.
oborachivayetsya and sees that Irish, which vykhodil.
- The Sir, your offer in force? Then I will try!
beret also drinks off in a row 10 kruzhek.
oshalevshy the Yankee stretches it the check and asks:
-If not a secret where you ran?
irlandets:
-Yes I ran to the neighboring bar to check, whether I will be able to drink 10 mugs....!!!

*****

The man sad sits on the river bank, a number of a rod lie, by the second prokhodit:
-Hey, and you that long?
-Yes here, is pure a biting I wait... You though rods throw
-...
-Yes nakhren will bring these rods, now vodka, will be pure a biting.

*****

The doctor on reception with the sore head after a Sunday booze sits. The Doctor how my analyses comes patsiyent:
-?
doktor, holding hands the patient golovu:
- At you rak.
-As, the doctor?! You spoke - stones! The doctor, lifting on him glaza:
-... and under each stone - a cancer!

*****

Sits in a stomach vinigred. Suddenly to it on the head hundred grams vodki.
on takoy:
-From where?
VODKA:
-Yes here, owner ugostili.
sidit further, again same nonsense. and so several times podryad.
v the end of the ends vinigred and speaks:
-I Will go I will look, who there such kind.

*****

Salad sits in a stomach. Suddenly from above something padayet.
-You who? For what drank
-Vodka.
-?
-For Ivan of Ivanovicha.
opyat sits. Again padayet.
-For what drank?
-For Ivan Ivanovicha.
i so several times. At last salad not vyderzhivayet:
-I Will go, I will look that it for the person such, Ivan Ivanovich.

*****

The man stays at home, drinks vodka, suddenly knock in dver.
-Who there?
-of Пи$дец.
-That is necessary?
-Yes here, came...

*****

The man in a tavern sits, and on a table at nego
butyl torches the onion shmat fat and hleb
vypivayet a glass bites fat an onion and bread, svyo perezovyvayet.
za the next little table sidik intelegent
govoriit hokhlu:
i-you incorrectly the pieta should spashivat it at internal golosa.
kh-As eto.
i- And here so: Ivan Anatolyevich Nie will drink hundred gramm.
vnut a goal - With udovolstviyem.
nu that vypil.
kh-aha ponyatno.
kh-Kolya. Kolya! Kolya!!!
VNUT a goal - Eeeeee...
H-torch Glass budesh?
VNUT a goal - Tod's NEA.
KH-move bo I will pour!

*****

The narkosha junked sits. The Uncle approaches it small malchik:
-, tell, which hour of
- The Boy, leave, not nalamyvay...
minut through five boy comes still raz:
- The Uncle, tell, which hour of
-Leave, the kid, me it is so good...
malchik leaves, in minutes five again vozvrashchayetsya:
-Well the uncle, tell, which hour of
-Well... What time is it now...

*****

The father sits at a table, drinks vodka. The little daughter, ponyukhala.
-suits Foo, what baddy!
-A you thought, the father drinks honey?!

*****

Sits drunk in a pool. The man approaches, thinks: "I will be kidding now". Asks at pyanogo:
-What time is it now?
pyany poslyunyavit a finger, lifted it, waited and speaks:
-a Half tretyego:
muzhik looked for hours - and the truth of the half-third. He was surprised, went resembled, approaches opyat:
- And now how many?
pyany again poslyunyavit a finger, lifted it, waited and otvechayet:
-Three chasa.
muzhik the truth tri.
- And how you do it looks at the watch also? Give
-I will tell. Get into a mess. Sat down?
teper slyunyav finger. It is ready? Lift up. And now look at that watch on a column.

*****

The drunk man sits, goes bananas. Sees, there is an old man, and directly till a way of following of the old man open sewer lyuk.
pyanyy:
-Ded... Etta... Oppa!!!

*****

The drunk man in the middle of a pool sits, by there is a cop. Stopped and asks: -
kotory hour?
pyany raises a finger and speaks:
-12 up: 05.
ment looks at the watch - truly! It became interesting to it, resembled half an hour more, again asks time. Drunk again answers precisely. On the third time of the cop got - and it asks:
-Listen, the man - from where such accuracy?
-A you get to me into a mess - then I will tell...
SEL the cop in a pool, drunk raises a finger up and speaks:
-see - hours on a tower...

*****

The company sits at restaurant, drinks. One asks ofitsianta:
-Prinesite, please, two glasses of vodka and one small naperstok.
dostayet from a pocket small chelovechka:
-Well, Fedya, tell us once again as you in Africa the sorcerer on х#й sent.

*****

The drunk, dirty, thin sits on the street on the sidewalk, holds the photo of neskolkoletny prescription in which he healthy and beautiful also speaks in hand: "People, look to what I brought myself..."

*****

Two drunks sit. At another asks:
-You do not know one why all name me Gene?
vtoroy to it otvechayet:
-Because if somewhere the bottle opens, there srazu
zhe there are you!

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Two alcoholics in park on a shop sit. See there is a militia patrol. One alcohol speaks: "Wons look - пи####cы go". You took
-C of that?
-is so much girls beautiful Around, and they to us при##уться.

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Alcoholics under a fence, vypivayut.
-Well, on one sit?
-Is not present, I cannot, will pull out! Yes who will pull out
-? Here all the!

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Two vampire sits, the victim vysmatpivayut:
-Give that man ukusim.
-Yes not..., it is drunk in dupel, and I in a tie...

*****

Two grandmas sit, drink tea. One another speaks:
-Hear, Nikitichna, and at us at an entrance drunks come every evening and drink, and drink...
A the next day come then and back vodka drink and drink...
I every other day about a refuse chute is drunk and drunk...
-A essence that where?
-So directly at an entrance and an essence...

*****

Two fit well the "warmed-up" girlfriends. Odna:
-Well, Valyukh, drove? Without bringing down
-Ya. I - Katya.
-... Well, Katyukh, tumbled down?

*****

Two sit, drink. razotkrovennichalsya:
- And you remember one, last quarter awards deprived of you?
-Pomnyu.
-So it I dripped. And you remember, to you reprimand was declared? So it I kapnul.
togda the second to it with dosady:
- And you remember
-Pomnyu.
-, at you two years ago the son was born?
-Pomnyu.
-So it I dripped …

*****

Two alakash sit at a playground under a fungus, drink pol-litpa.
-Vasya, and you at full tilt will stop a horse?
-HET.
-A you will enter the burning log hut? Here for what I you respect
-HET.
-, Vasily, so it that you - not the woman!

*****

Two friend sits, vodka cold drinks, one asks:
- And the wife at you where?
-Yes in Minsk …
-A that, the good refrigerator...

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Two Americans sit in a tavern and opposite behind a little table of pusskiy.
pepvy (1) speaks to another (2):
-Listen, you see that Russian?
2: - Well, vizhu.
1: - Look, he shcha will drink a glass of vodka, and to it nichyo not budet.
2:!!!
1: - Look, he shcha will drink the second glass of vodka and to it again nichyo will not be: (
2:!!!!!
1: Listen, he now will drink the 3rd glass, to it again nichyo will not be, but! It is time for us to bring down!!!

*****

Two men sit drink, as always vodka ended, and already time is later, there is no place to buy....
ODIN speaks:-Listen I to one granny I know here, she cooks moonshine, give to her sbegayem.
prishli they to the granny, and that speaks that all sold, there was tolko
sobachya a tincture and what to do there is a wish to drink that, men took this tincture, drank, have a snack, it seems everything is normal. Dispersed on domam.
utrom the wife of one resorts to vtoroy:
-mine yesterday as home came, all night long howled and barked...
vtoraya: - Et that, mine as came yesterday, in a corner hid, and to these por
sidit, eggs licks!!!

Came the addict to the Chuya valley and sees poppy, well he took a scythe and started mowing. After a while saw a cops' revolving object, thinks what to do, and on the edge of a field Indians ran. It threw off from itself(himself) clothes, was painted and attached to crowd. Here to it the neighbor speaks:
-You would throw off sneakers, and that friends popalish.
the Dude awakes with
in the morning druga.
-Vasya, get up, well look, the suit white zablevat! What
-suit? (looks at himself)
-Well, you married yesterday!
-As married?
-Well, married, I - druzhka.
- And the bride that though how to call? That I too do not remember
-, chi Galya, chi Polina.
vasya with uzhasom:
-Chipolino!

Met two old acquaintances, went to the bar. To one another speaks:
-Descend behind beer, take two third "Baltic".
-That leaves, brings a little butylok.
-You why took so much? And why "Nine"?
-Well... I am a mathematician! And two third is the same,
chto six ninth!

*****

Two men sit at a bar rack. One of them starts clinging to another: I slept with your mother!". In the bar there comes the silence, all wait for reaction of the second. The first shouts even more loudly: "I slept with your mother!". The second: "Go home, the father, you is drunk!"

*****

Two men sit at a bar rack. One of them starts clinging to another: ""I slept with your mother!"". In the bar there comes the silence, all wait for reaction of the second. The first shouts even more loudly: ""I slept with your mother!"". The second: ""Idi home, the father, you is drunk!""

*****

Men sit, vypivayut.
odin speaks:
-I call the cat Polyfoam. How many time heated - all ravno
vsplyvayet.
drugoy:
- And I the - the Boomerang where you will throw it - all the same vozvrashchayetsya.
tretiy:
- And we the call Giordano Bruno.
ostalnye horom:
-Yes you sadists!
-Well, it it is simple at stars likes to look.

*****

Men sit and drink beer. Then one of them gets from a pocket ma - and - and - alenkogo the little man, puts it on a table, pours to it in a thimble of beer and говорит:
- Well, Petrovich, tell men, as you in Africa the sorcerer on x. sent...

*****

Men on the small river sit fish in the winter. And frost strashenny-40. See one man without cap sits! They to it govoryat:
-Man you that??? After all you vystudit the head!
-Aga! Yesterday sat here in the afternoon on a frost in a cap, men called vodka to drink and I did not hear...