Jokes about drunks

Read funny Jokes about drunks

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The son goes with the father by the building with the sign "Beer" near which there is tolpa.
-a Father, what is it?
-It, the sonny, the Highest Institute of National Obrazovaniya.
- And why all of them shiver?
-A at them soon examination.

*****

The son resorts to the father and speaks:
-Fathers, alcoholize tarakana.
otets, dykhnuv:
-On be played.

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The son comes from school and krichit:
-Fathers, I brought the four! To
- The Good fellow, the sonny, deliver it in the refrigerator.

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- The sonny, bitterns with мной.
- Well, pap.
-No I with you did homework!

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The trainer of the lost team comes into a locker room and is strict sppashivayet:
-Who yesterday the first suggested to drink?
tishina. He opyat:
-Who suggested to drink the first yesterday?
opyat molchok.
-is good, I put a question in a different way: who told the first yesterday: "Well that?"

*****

–What is the vodka?
-is liquid which starts flogging nonsense As soon As moves from a bottle to a human body.

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- What is the half of liter for three in an African way? Two drink
-, the third have a snack.

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- What is the booze in Russian? With
-a vodka Box, a beer box, sausage and sobaka.
- And a dog what for?
-someone Has to eat sausage...

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- What is the Russian business?
-to Steal a vodka box, to sell vodka, to spend on drink money.

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- How there your drunk? Again at night prosazhivat money on a casino and restaurants?
-Is not present. I seriously talked to it, and he does not drink now, does not smoke, on restoranam
ne goes. Lies to itself very quietly in reanimation.

*****

Ants in an insole of the drunk man Tanut... The man lies and is hardly audible poyet:
-SLIGHTLY POMEDLENY HORSES, SLIGHTLY POMEDLENY...

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Resolved to drink only in the right frame of mind. But so unsuccessfully it turned out that the mood - good or bad, began to appear every day. As a result - imperceptibly became an inveterate drunkard.

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The telephone survey conducted next morning after December 31 gave the following rezultaty:
2 to % of respondents ; of 3% answered "yes" - "hallo" ; other 95% found it difficult to answer.

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Telephone razgovor:
-Darling, and than you there without me are engaged?
-Yes so... That one, another, a liqueur glass I will rinse...

*****

Telo:
-I Want some tequila!
pechen, in otchayanii:
-I protest!
MOZG:
- The Protest deviates. I too want some tequila!

*****

Darkened. Drunk men came back home through kladishche. One of them fell in a grave so the others did not even notice, and fallen there and usnul.
prosypayetsya at night, a clear sky, cloudlets, the full moon. Gets out of a grave, goes on a cemetery and sees - the watchman digs a hole. The man thinks "Well, now I will frighten him!"
podkhodit szadi:
-A-a-a-a-a!
storozh zero emotions. The man with another storony:
-U-u-u-u-u!
TOT does not react at all. The man about himself thought "The deaf, probably", and went home. Someone approaches already cemeterial gate, and here suddenly behind it on the head a shovel "hryas!", the voice storozha:
-is also heard it is possible to Walk, but not to go beyond!!!

*****

Now I drink only in the days beginning on "With": Wednesday, Saturday and TODAY.

*****

- You took warm clothes?
-Yes, 7 bottles...

*****

The terrorists who seized alcoholic beverage plant cannot formulate the fifth days the requirements...

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The same, the man in dupel pyanyy:
- The Wife, and cht at me in l - left a pocket - not on - the letter "Py"?
-Pay?:) M-m-m-m
-(winds the head) P-pollitra! And cht at me in a pr-ravy pocket a na
b-letter "A"?
-Advance payment? :| (with hope) M-m-m-m
-(winds the head) A-a-asho one p-pollitra!

*****

–Something the liver aches a bit...
-saw Cologne?
-does not help...

*****

Too thought that I love kefir until tried vodka...

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- Shreds! You absolutely do nothing on the house, zara-
batyvat kopeks, days the drunk!
-Hundred times spoke to you, one thousand times told you, you-
syach time told hundreds and in million time I repeat: never smey
preuvelichivat!

*****

Only at us 100 grams are a name of a product, but not its weight!

*****

Only the Russian person can in the desert during a forty-degree heat drink vodka and sing "Oh a frost, a frost...", thus having a snack a cactus.

*****

Three drunks brag also whom what hungover sindrom
pervy speaks:
-I wake up, eyes heavy in the morning, I put a match - lomayetsya;
- And I wake up in the morning, tells the second, so so far I will reach a toilet - seven times KONCHU;
-a hogwash are all men, tells the third. Here I wake up in the morning under a fence, trousers are lowered pants lowered the crow sits and pecks my eggs, and I have in a mouth such dry trees that I even cannot tell KISh

*****

Three alcoholics argued who will drink from a pool more. The first began, took some sips and could not any more. The second held on three minutes. The third as stuck: ten minutes, half an hour, hour! At last it comes off from luzhi:
-Foo- At! Oh, and the long milksop got!

*****

Three alcoholics argued at whom more hands shiver. speaks:
-I when from a bottle in a glass pour the first, so only 100 grams get to a glass,
vse the rest by. speaks:
-I when from a bottle in a glass pour the second, so in a glass only popadayet.
trety speaks:
- And I when pisat 50 grams, so three times I finish.

*****

Three brothers sit down to have dinner. Molchaniye.
starshy: - Ndaa....
sredny: - Yes it would be advisable...
mladshy: - Well che - I run?

*****

Three maidens under a window drank vodka, juice and rom.
lish one could enter the maiden without problems a front room.

*****

Three stages of intoxication zhenshchiny:
1. (playfully) "Ha-ha-ha, what I drunk! "
2. (angrily) "Who drunk?! Any I not drunk! "
3. In a taxi on the driver's question - "To you where?" - "Not your business!"

*****

Three degrees opyaneniya:
1. Took out, possat, forgot stryakhnut.
2. Took out, shook, forgot possat.
3. Possal, shook, forgot to take out.

*****

Three o'clock in the morning. Moscow. On the dark street there is drunk in tyutyu a man. The man gets into a deserted court yard. Shouts: "People!... People!!!... LYUDI-I-I!!!". Sleepy and concerned people come to balconies, from an entrance, look from windows. Drunkard:" People, turn away - I will write"

*****

Three o'clock in the morning. The husband with the wife sleep. Suddenly call to a door. The husband, using foul language, goes to open. On a threshold the Friend who became slightly tight muzhik:
-, here nearby, help me tolknut.
-You, the man, okhrenet, perhaps? Go gulyay.
vozvrashchayetsya in postel.
-you Represent, some goat asked it to push. I it poslal.
-You simply beast some. You that, cannot help out the person?
husband , again using foul language, gets out of a bed, puts on. There is to the yard in full temnote:
-Well where are you?
IZ temnoty:
-I Here! Here, on a swing!

*****

Three drunks govoryat:
-Yesterday, an infection, so hands shivered until drank a glass of beer, two perednikh
zuba beat out...
-Is nonsense, here I yesterday since morning to pee went, so while things are being decided - 3
raza terminated...
-to me your problems. Started wiping and so stained a back that v
dush it was necessary to go.

*****

Three drunk creep on railroad cross ties. Odin:
-Devil, what steps high. Vtoroy:
-Yes, and handrail low. Tretiy:
-Anything, boys, and the elevator goes.

*****

The tourist during excursion on the lake Loch Ness asks gida:
-Forgive and when the monster usually appears on a surface?
-Usually after the fifth glass of whisky, the sir.

*****

At the father sprashivayut:
- The Father, and how many you can drink?
-If for health and in the good company and under a good zakus and for the good of time, is unlimited. And one more.

*****

At wine and vodka shop lies muzhchina.
-you are drunk or something happened to you? - asks militsionep.
-Neither that and nor another. I here in the advertizing purposes...