Jokes about drunks

Read funny Jokes about drunks

<** Previous Topic          Next Topic **>

29  30  31  32  33  34  35  36  37  38  39  40

The drunk husband came home and was at once filled up to sleep. The Husband is distributed hrap.
-, and the husband - You want something? That, without opening glaz:
-In the refrigerator a bubble, pour a floor of a glass and prinesi.
vypiv, again fills up and even more strongly snores. It repeats several times and after the last question "take-I do not want" the husband bormochet:
-Well, become on four kosti.
Wife happy, submits to will of the husband, and that climbs on it as the rider and speaks:
- And now went to the refrigerator, behind a bubble.

*****

The drunk man rolls on a garbage can. Morning. The crowd of women goes on rabotu.
-Oh, babonk! Look what man threw out! Yes with it still quite zhit
mozhno!.

*****

The drunk man gets into the bus. Nachinayet
privyazyvatsya to another muzhiku.
-A you know, than your jacket differs from the jungle?
-NET.
-A that in the jungle is a lot of monkeys, and in tvoyom
pidzhake only one.

*****

The drunk man together with two friends rushes at a mad speed on ulitsam
goroda. At passengers did not sustain nerves and they asked Driverya:
-Stop, we will leave. The driver stopped and when they left, shouted im
vsled:
-Pants! My guardian angels will not allow me to break! - also jerked from a place. through
neskolko minutes someone behind patted it shoulder and said:
-It we, your guardian angels. Stop, we too will leave.

*****

The drunk man comes back home. Goes carefully, that ne
razbudit the wife. In the dark unintentionally stepped on a cat. The cat terribly zaoral.
muzhik at first became puzzled, but then angrily and joyfully zakrichal:
-Here harmful a tomcat! You where gadded? I since the morning look for you!

*****

The drunk man falls out of bar and starts driving hands on roofs of the parked cars. One passerby saw and speaks:
-So you will not find the car! On a roof numbers are not present, brand not stoit.
-Leave! On mine - a flasher.

*****

The drunk man leaves bar and goes to a tram stop. Came and speaks:
-So, here recently passed the tram, here rails which it left.

*****

The drunk man fills up home, eats a pie and goes to bed. In the morning he is awoken synok:
-by the Daddy, you did not see my drum?

*****

The drunk man comes in avtobus:
-What weather costs, and! All are silent. It opyat:
- The Sun shines, good fortune! Tishina.
-Well, here anybody is not present times, then I to a poss...

*****

The drunk man rings a door. He is opened by the wife. He comes, accurately closes behind itself(himself) a door, turns a back to the wife and speaks: "To me on the third!"

*****

The drunk man, in the winter, comes back home, on the way a column, in eyes everything at first forks, then rastraivayetsya, raschetveryaetsya, kachayetsya; the man of columns looked!!! to pass pass where it will be put on a column again natykayetsya.
"Anything - thinks - shas ottolkay one column in storonku where they porezhe there and there we will look maybe to the house will be not far". He pushed them pushed was worn out, took off a sheepskin coat, a cap and well to push again. Chere the floor of an hour or is slightly more, he sobered up slightly, got tired, ogdyanutsya: it seems popedeli.
"In - tells columns - in what distance ottolkat: even caps with a sheepskin coat Zh:-(from here is not visible)"

*****

The drunk man in a zoo gets into the open-air cage to a donkey, takes it for ears and, sobbing, says:
- The Poor hare that with you communists made.

*****

The drunk man goes at night down the street. Stops it ment.
-Where you go?
-I go to listen to lecture about harm of alcoholism and alkogolizma.
- At three o'clock in the morning? Who will read it to you?
-my wife and mother-in-law!

*****

The drunk man lies in a pool and speaks:
-Karl Marx died, Lenin died, here and my health reeled …

*****

The drunk man (M) buried a forehead in a column. Nearby the bared wire dangles. М: -
Heee pooonnyayal... (the wire) (twitches from blow current is enough with a hand) - Vse.
ponyal. Got that.

*****

The drunk man (M) went home through a cemetery, stumbled and fell in svezhevyrytuyu
mogilu... Tried to get out back. On a wall. Schur-shur-shur... Boom! Obratno
svalilsya. Once again tried. Schur-shurshur... Boom! No, thinks, I will not get out. Podozhdu
do mornings, and there the people I will call, will pull out. Sat down in a hole corner on a stone, to fill up stal.
tut suddenly - Bach! - one more man in a hole fell down. Came to, at once on stenke
polez. Schur-shur-shur... Boom!. Schur-shur-ushr... Boom!. It bothered the first man,
asks: "To light is?" Schur - shur - shur - shur - a top top top top top...

*****

The drunk man goes round a barrel. The Man approaches militsioner:
-, you where go?
-Yes, here a fence will come to an end, and me to the right.

*****

The drunk man goes bochki.
podkhodit ment:
- The Man around, you where go?
-Yes, here a fence will come to an end also to me to the right.

*****

The drunk man goes down the street at night. Stops it militsioner.
-Where you go?
-I go to listen to lecture about harm of alcoholism and alkogolizma.
- At three o'clock in the morning?! Who will read it to you?
-Who, who!!! My wife and mother-in-law.

*****

The drunk man approaches to synu:
-You take offense at me?
molchaniye. The man again asks the same question. Again molchaniye.
-I ask the Last time. You take offense at me? And that now kak
vrezhu!

*****

The drunk man approaches a toilet bowl and speaks:
-Ikhtiandr, my son!
-That, father? The man, putting fingers in rot:
-I to you to eat brought...

*****

The drunk man late comes home. The wife swears at it like a sailor and sends to milk a cow. Comes into a cowshed, the cow and speaks to it:
"Well got drunk?" - "Ugu", "The wife to milk me sent?" - "Ugu" "Well, you hold boobs, I will jump"

*****

The drunk man caught the intelligent boy and speaks:
-Use foul language!
-I am not able, - answers malchik.
-Swear as umeesh.
-Pipiska.
-So a little?
-Car of willies.

*****

The drunk man grabbles under a lamp. You approach drugoy:
-that here do?
-Olympic lost Ruble near zabora.
-So why you look for here, the fence that tam.
- And here is lighter.

*****

The drunk man creeps on ulitse:
- The Boy, you do not know where there lives the uncle Vova?
- The Uncle, and after all you are an uncle Vova! It I know
-! Only I do not know where I live!

*****

The drunk man after a party comes back home. Goes carefully not to wake the wife. In the dark unintentionally stepped on a cat. The cat terribly zaopal.
muzhik at first became puzzled, but then angrily and joyfully zakpichal:
-Here harmful a tomcat! You where gadded? I since the morning look for you!

*****

The drunk man prt in the bus directly on nogam.
-As it is not a shame to you - since morning got drunk!
-A that, I has to go to work not of a zhravsha?

*****

The drunk man stuck to the pensioner on a shop at doma.
-Tell, the father where there lives Ivan Ivanovich Ivanov?
-So you is also Ivanov.
-I know, you tell where he lives.

*****

The drunk man comes home and long tries to open a door a key. Did not manage to open, fell asleep under a door, having left a key in the lock. In the morning the wife cannot open a door and knocks. Muzhik
otkryvayet one glaz.
-Who there?
-It I, yours Wife.
-Idi there, the stinker where it was all night long dragged. I will not let.

*****

The drunk man comes home to 3 o'clock in the morning. Wife:
-You that, absolutely sduret, you look, in how many you came!
-A who told you, what I came? I simply came to take a guitar.

*****

The drunk man came home and the Wife shouts with poroga:
-! Start swearing, and a bed I will not find that!

*****

The drunk man sits before radiopriyemnikom:
-In Moscow now 15 hours, and in Petropavlovsk-Kamchatsky - midnight...
-Oh, mess, oh, mess!

*****

The drunk man asks taksista:
- The Chief, to you the box of champagne and a bucket of vinaigrette will enter a luggage carrier? Open
-Voydet.
-! baga-a-a-a-a-a!.
I - vomits to it in a luggage carrier.

*****

The drunk man costs at the station near a column with gromkospeakselem:
- The Train to Mytischi arrives to the third platformu.
muzhik vozmushchenno:
- And well, the silly woman, povtori.
-I Repeat...

*****

The drunk little man in cabinet of curiosities looks at the alcoholized baby:
-Forever young, eternally drunk!!!

*****

The drunk man on the car crashes into a column and says:
-Well, I into a board drunk, and you where under wheels climb?

*****

The drunk man, comes back home on all fours. Houses his wife vstrechayet:
-Well and! Leave
-you, in the bar the big championship was, who to drink more mozhet.
-Aha and who was on the second and third place!

*****

The drunk man entered the bar and ordered whisky, having told that wants to celebrate the divorce. Barmen:
-I Congratulate. It is felt, you for a long time prazdnuyete.
muzhik it is joyful soglashayetsya:
-Yes. Twenty five years!

*****

The drunk man goes down the street. It Poskalzyvatsya, falls, feels a soft place and with horror shepchet:
-Broke, split, in half!