Jokes about peoples

Read funny Jokes about Russian

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Bring to a reception of new Russian. The doctor on duty begins registration. The paramedic of ambulance mutters
emu some sophisticated diagnoz.
novy the Russian long listens, then pripodymatsya from the wheelchair and speaks:
-Listen, dock! I have many diseases, and I need the most skilled doctor,
kotory will understand everything. I zaplachu.
dezhurny thought and speaks:
- There is such doctor - the pathologist...

*****

One new Russian of another to himself on a visit invites. That goes, considers and speaks:
-Well the big room is arranged in the latest fashion, well. Small,
prikhozhaya, kitchen on arrangement do not concede, but all somehow small, as if money zhaleesh.
na that the second otvechayet:
-Yes you wait for
kak to judge, we still did not leave the elevator.

*****

There comes the brother on 600m on the Art. tekhobsluzhivaniya.
rebyata, speaks, the conditioner departed, a hole in it, freon flowed out. The mechanic speaks:
-Now shtangel we will take and a hole it is measurable, there and we will decide to patch or the conditioner menyat.
-do not work - the brother very sadly answers, - I and so will tell you: 7.62...!

*****

There comes a new Russian on HUNDRED and speaks masteru:
-hear, and che the car does not go??? And you wheels tried to swing
-??
- And sho, is necessary???
-well especially as to us delivered very much horoshiy
importny the Finnish air recently.

*****

There comes a new Russian from Ameriki.
-Well as there - ask ego.
-Well that America. The country as the country, all as at us. Dazhe
baksy the same.

*****

There comes a new Russian on a gas station, refueled well and goes dalshe.
idet hundred, and its "Zaporozhets" overtakes. Adds to 150, "Zaporozhets" ego
obgonyaet. The new Russian was stunned adds still to gas - 250 goes. Time, ego
"Zaporozhets" overtook. Well, new Russian catches up with it, pressed, leaves i
speaks:
-Listen, I will not drive, you have "Zaporozhets", but not "Porsche", and you me oboshel.
kak it?
-Yes you, the freak, me pinched braces on a gas station.

*****

There comes a new Russian from the province to Moscow. Comes into restaurant, and imposingly having seated speaks to the running
mimo ofitsiantu:
-Me something apiece dollars! We a dish do not divide
-into four parts!

*****

There comes a new Russian from Riviera and tells bratkam:
-I Thought, thought how to make impression on the people, well and decided s
akvalangom to swim for a while. Well I dressed an aqualung, swam for a while, came to the coast, and here vse
ot me were simply dragged!!!
-A of that so?
-Well you know mine prikid: crimson jacket, mirror points,
sotovy phone...

*****

There comes a new Russian to the magnificent resort. Leaves the train... na
lyzhakh! Here to it and govoryat:
-you that, we here never before had no snow, even in lednikovyy
period!
- The Hogwash, snow comes by the following train.

*****

There arrived a German to expensive hotel, lives in it week - drinks, prostitutok
snimayet. As a result bring it the account for quite large sum, and on
priznayetsya that at it is not present such deneg.
- Then, - speak to it, - You have to by our rules leave zdes
chast the tela.
nemets gives a little finger, and it otrubayut.
priyekhal the Frenchman, two weeks had a good time, as a result to it chopped off ukho.
priyekhal new Russian, month thumped on black, overslept with all, and,
nakonets, began to collect things. Bring it the huge account and at once govoryat:
-We understand, you have no such money, and by our rules you dolzhny
otdat the part of the tela.
novy Russian is got from trousers by the member and puts on stol.
-That, to cut?
-Well, suck! And at me there is a lot more money...

*****

There arrived somehow a new Russian to buy the car. Comes into car showroom, the seller approaches it and asks
LI it to it something pomoch.
-cannot the Wheelbarrow is necessary, bratan.
-Here, please, new model - Ford Focus.
-A chyo for focus?
-A you sit down, I pokazhu.
prodavets disperse to 200 km/h and flies directly on derevo:
-See - speaks, - a tree?
-Well vizhu
-Close eyes, we now through it proyedem.
-Yes well? - also closes glaza.
prodavets quietly goes round a tree and says that all a pier, here and focus. New Russian takes "Focus" which is terribly surprised with
tekhniki miracles, of course. Comes home puts all friends, a family... well I hammered to the full a wheelbarrow and
speaks:
-of Shcha to you focus pokazhu.
razgonyaetsya to 200 km/h, finds a huge tree on a roadside, speaks that all eyes were closed. And from everything to
vjezzhayet move in this tree. . the car in the tinkling sounds all crippled the hardly live gets out and krichit:
-Yob your mother who opened eyes?!!!!

*****

New Russian from negotiations from Amsterdam, idet
po to the Nevsky arrives, meets odnoklassnika:
-Fine, Wan, hundred years did not seem, went though vodki
vypyem.
-Well went, and you that such sad? - Yes you know
Wan, life at me heavy, all I turn,
kruchus. Negotiations in Holland broke because of these svolochey
v to a thought: now see - whether Bush's legs and stolen Mercedeses iz
polshi cannot be delivered to Russia, and to take out non-ferrous metals. A
kak, is asked, to live? Came back home, bandits vzorvali
magazin, the tax inspection arrested bank accounts who iz
nix stole mine a new Mercedes I did not find out yet. And you, s
lenkoy, how?
-Yes we, Petya, two days of nothing edim.
-Well you, children, it is necessary to force itself, it is also impossible.

*****

Two new Russians to Brazil arrived. The stewardess proshchayetsya:
-Misters, Brazil - the magnificent country, however, of 50% naseleniya
stradayet AIDS and 50% are sick with tuberculosis. In total horoshego.
pervy new russkiy:
-That she told?
-Told that it is only possible to bang those who coughs.

*****

New Russian accepts a new country house. The foreman shows everything to it i
rasskazyvayet. Everything was pleasant to new Russian, however he complained na
odin a shortcoming - passes narrow. Prorab:
-It seems all of the standard sizes...
-Yes here, you understand, in nature, I go, and fingers, between us, boys,
ZA touch jambs...

*****

NR comes to Shvetsarsky bank and asks the credit for a year $100 .
EMU suggest to leave pledge. It leaves as a deposit 600-Mers.
through year again NR comes into shvetsarsky bank, gives $103. I
NA surprised vospros the clerk otvechayet:
"Where still you will find such cheap supervised parking."

*****

NR trading in chicken quarters to the priest i
speaks emu:
-Daddy comes, I will give $5000 if in a prayer you speak tipa:
"My God, send us chicken an okorchka essential" .
POP: "No". In a prayer of anything I will not change
-of Ladies of $10000.
!
-of Ladies of $15000!
-Is not present also all!
HP: "Interestingly, how many to it Dock bread paid for 'Poshli
nam bread our essential'?"

*****

The businessman home comes, sits down to a table, opens a notebook and puts in it galochku:
-So, a debt to bank pogashen.
Wife:
-Kohl, you know... I to you izmenila.
businessmen put today the second galochku:
- The Conjugal duty - too!

*****

The mobster in avtosalon
-U you che here the most abrupt comes?
-to a nuu we have ford focus
- And in what focus here?
well climb! The seller tells
edut - "close eyes, and we will eat through stolb.
n.r. the driver closed eyes went round a column. The mobster opens eyes, ofigel.
priyezzhayet to buddies speaks sadites.
edut under 120
-everything birr closed eyes!!!
povorachivayet on stolb.
khop the car in myaso.
n.r. gets out - "I did not understand who an eye did not close?!?!

*****

The little Georgian to the father, and asks:
papa comes, and I am Georgian?
konechno gruzin.
i mother Georgian?
I mother gruzinka.
a brother Gogi?
A the brother Gogi - New Russian!

*****

NR in tourist byuro.
-Podberite to me tur.
agent comes: In a minute... To Cyprus do not wish?
Da was hundred times there...
voobshchem it tormented them 3 hours... coffee drank liter...
vzbeshyonny agent:tolko for you!!! Exclusive foot erotic walk!!!
Ho is expensive...
HP: GIVE I take for any grandmas!!!
agent: You went on х@#$%!!!

*****

The guy comes to firm to get a job. For stolom
sidit the huge man, all in gold chains, rings, Che's
brasletakh:
-got up, sit down. You how to call? Nikolay - shy tells
- The guy, looking down vniz.
-Means so, Kolenka, come to work v
ponedelnik with will be wiped a bit earlier, at 11-12, work, in 4
planerka, be not late, children will approach, binges privezut:
vino, vodka, whisky, generally we walk to utra.
-Yes I generally do not drink...
-Understood, means on Monday to work do not come,
davay at once on Tuesday, work as always, in 4 on planerku
ne be late, children will approach, drugs will bring, we will smoke,
kolnemsya, nyukhny, generally we hoot to utra.
-Yes I generally the athlete...
-Understood, means to work come since Wednesday,
rabotayesh as usual, in 4 be not late for a planning meeting, rebyata
podjedut, women will be brought, generally we strike to utra.
-Yes at me the wife, two children, I still never. . Listen to
-, the man, and you incidentally not blue?
-Well you how you could think?
- Then on Thursday too do not come, it will not be pleasant to you...

*****

New Russian with the bodyguard comes to restaurant. And so low new Russian, tolstenky, almost neck
bez. Ordered tortoise fillet, sit, wait. Ten minutes passed, twenty … New Russian sends
telokhranitelya to understand. That comes on kitchen, and there the cook cannot behead a turtle in any way: only
zamakhivayetsya an axe as that hides at once the head. "Now everything will be!", - the bodyguard speaks. Puts to a turtle of
palets in a bum and when that puts out the head, chops off it. "I to the boss third year so
zavyazyvayu tie".

*****

New Russian comes to car showroom and speaks prodavtsu:
-to me here the car is necessary, surely six-hundredth "Mercedes", chtob
u it seats from dinozavrovy skin were that was green color in zheltyy
goroshek.
-Yes, is at us such, but only we just the same car to you already na
proshloy to week prodali.
-Well, at that already the ashtray got littered.

*****

New Russian to advokatu.
-comes Hear, the brother, here boys in nature profit, and I che, the sucker perhaps?
-??? Of Wons boys told
-, one dude smoked all life on a pack in day, a
potom promoted the tobacco companies on some lemons that ot
etikh cigarettes of type at it a cancer. And still speak, other dude hochet
makdonalds on the grandma to put for that he in nature thick from etikh
gamburgerov. Give well, write a zayava, we will have legal proceedings!
-C whom?
-With "Smirnov"! For all terrible the telok whom I on excite peretrakhat!

*****

New Russian to vrachu:
-Doc comes, cross to me m@ndavoshka with svetlyachkami.
-Um... and why it to you? Present to
-, dock - I take off pants, and there Las Vegas.

*****

New Russian with the girl in perfumery magazin:
-to me comes spirits "The girl of the cop" are necessary.
-What?
-"Girl of the Cop", blin.
devushka the new Russian shows on prilavok:
- These - spirits "Ms. the opera".

*****

New Russian home comes. Wife:
-you will Have supper?
-A that is?
-Well, lobsters, caviar, wine Burgundian...
-of Lines as kartoshechka boiled wants, with kvass! You earn
-A as all men, there will be to you a potato with kvass!

*****

One new Russian to another home comes. Sees on a wall at togo
"Mona Lisa" hangs. Asks that it, for what, etc. That to it and objyasnyaet:
tak a pier and so, is the picture "Mona Lisa" and yours abruptly it. Through nekotoroye
time the second new Russian to the first comes and sees that at that on stene
dve such pictures hang. It in neponyatka and asks:
- And why to you two pictures?
-of Gy, at you mono, and me a stereo!

*****

New Russian comes to shop and asks at prodavshchitsy:
- And it you that?
-Yabloki.
-Give me 10 kg and everyone zavernite.
-But we so do not do, and plus it will be more expensive stoit.
-I zaplachu
bednaya the shop assistant carries out zakaz.
- And what it at you still there?
-Apelsiny.
-Weigh to me 10 kg and wrap everyone otdelno.
-But same will be more expensive!
-of Anything, I zaplachu.
deystviya povtoryayutsya
- And that it there at you still?
-Raisin, but it is not on sale:

*****

New Russian comes to TKANI shop.
-Cut off to me 100 meters of a chintz "in peas". Now take
-Gotovo.
-A scissors, cut out everything goroshki
i turn in a separate bag...

*****

New Russian comes to militia somehow and speaks:
-Since recent time I started receiving letters with obvious threats in moy
adres.
-Letters, naturally, anonymous?
-Is not present, podpisannye.
-Whom?!
-Chief of the tax inspection.

*****

The new Russian (NR) comes to an abrupt brothel, speaks:
-Give me the smartest shlyukhu.
mamochka (M):
-to you very best?
HP:
-Most - presamy! You know
M:
-, most-presamaya at us it is the gay of Gennadiy.
nr:
-Yes you okhrenet absolutely!
M:
-Yes not to a kipeshuyta, all remained are happy, poprobuyte.
nr:
-Well look at me, I will try!
vykhodit the gay Gennady, speaks:
-Che we will be here, went to me?
-Well, poyekhali.
vykhodyat, Gennady opens Bentli:
-Sadis.
podletayet the bus with OMON, drag out NR, a muzzle to the earth. Vylezayet
gennady, OMONOVTSY:
-Oh, Gennady, excuse, simply did not recognize you!
otryakhivayut NR, put in a wheelbarrow. NR okhrenevat, Gennady comes to Rublyovka, gives 200 km/h, on a post of GAI of its
tormozyat, approaches gayets:
-Oh, Gennady excuse, you simply on Ferarri were yesterday, did not learn, forgive-prostite.
nr okhrenevat still silney.
priyezzhayut in a smart mansion on Rublyovka, come into the huge hall with a marble ladder I will go to the 4th floor, Gennadiy:
-I will be washed away, you drink something, is everything so far, but I rekomenduyu
shardone 1896 goda.
ukhodit in a bathtub, NR is enough phone and calls in bordel:
-It I, excuse, and Gennady precisely knows who whom tr %% will at?

*****

New Russian in funeral byuro:
-to me comes the coffin is necessary 4х4, black, a door there, the conditioner, everything put... What Anticreeping system of firm mister prefers
-?

*****

New Russian in funeral byuro:
-to me comes the coffin is necessary: 4х4, black, a door there, the conditioner, everything put... What Anticreeping system of firm mister prefers
-?

*****

New Russian to psikhoterapevtu.
NR comes: - The doctor, help!!!
P: - Tell, in what delo.
NR: - Every night I have the same dream: in a hand a pack of dollars, I so carelessly recalculate it - 1, 2, 3..., 97, 98, 99. And the 100-th note is not present! I again recalculate it, and the 100-th is not present!!! I wake up in cold sweat and all night long to fall asleep not mogu.
P: - And you, old man, try to count instead of money of rams, abstract such rams, one will not be enough, and let it pass, not yours zhe.
proshlo some days. HP.
HP runs: - The doctor, you that advised me???!!
P: - Calm down, old man. Also tell on poryadku.
NR: - Started considering rams. Everything was so good at first, 1 ram, 2, 3..., 98, 99, 100... And here the 100-th ram raises the head and by a human voice speaks: "And 100-TH KUPYURY-TO NE-E-ET!!!!!!!!"

*****

New Russian comes to maternity hospital where the wife just gave birth to him. To it there is medsestra:
- At you a boy, 50 cm, 3700...
"New Russian", getting koshelek:
-Look you, and it is inexpensive!

*****

New Russian comes to salon of tattoos and krichit:
-Hear, dudes, will be able to exchange of 100 dollars on the member narisovat.
shtuku zabashlyayu!
NU those supposedly ask - why to you it?
-Ha, well, first, I like to play with grandmas! Secondly, lyublyu
smotret as my grandmas grow. And thirdly, the wife will come to me, give to
tipa grandmas! And I to it - on, take!!!

*****

New Russian to the old Jew and speaks:
- The Father comes, give money...

*****

New Russian to the stomatologist comes. Sits down in a chair. The doctor having examined a mouth, suddenly jumped,
ZA the head grabbed, began to run to and fro and prichitat:
-My God! What to do?!
novy russkiy:
-Doc, well che there? Che you so got irritated?
VRACH:
-Yes here medicine is powerless! And what here it is only possible to think up?
-Dock, well do not weary, tell the truth, let the most terrible!
-Well thrust! You have so much money, and all teeth healthy!!!