Jokes about the characters

Read funny Jokes about Sherlock Holmes

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Climb Watson and Holmes on steep skale:
-Watson, podstrakh@y!
-From securing I hear!!!

*****

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson fly by a balloon. Carried them tuda
i here and they where now are do not know. Here look: in the bottom of people costs.
KHOLMS:
- The Sir, you will not prompt where we are?
TOT, having looked at them, otvechayet:
-air share.
kholms:
-Know Ha, Watson, it definitely was matematik.
-Ho why? Only the mathematician can give to
-such exact and useless answer.

*****

Fly Sherlock Holmes with doctor Watson by a balloon. Flew in clouds, lost orientation. Landed in the unknown district. See - by some man goes. Sherlock Holms:
- The Sir, whether prompt you to us where we are? The man long thought and otvetil:
-In a balloon basket, the sir. Sherlock See Holms:
-, Watson - before you a typical example of the programmer. The doctor of Vatson:
-Why you so solved, Holmes?
-Well first it very long thought over a simple question, secondly he answered absolutely correctly, and thirdly - we from its answer do not have any advantage.

*****

London, Baker-strit.
doktor of Vatson:
-of Holmes, you the clever person also have to know that nicotine is dangerous for
zdorovya.
sherlok by Holms:
-Watson, I smoke many years and anything in the world me not zastavit
brosit.
doktor Watson telling nothing, mysteriously smiles in usy.
noch. The door of the room of Watson opens, he goes down v
gostinuyu, approaches a table where the well-known tube of Holmes i
pogruzhayet a tube mouthpiece to itself in an anus lies, and with chuvstvom
vypolnennogo a debt goes to sleep. Next morning Holmes asks Vatsona:
-Watson what there was to my tube, I never earlier ne
poluchal from smoking of such pleasure?
vatson smiles in moustaches and is silent. Any deductive metodom
kholms could not define that became with its tube. On sleduyushchuyu
noch everything repeats...
proshel month. Holmes did not give up smoking, and Watson without trubki
uzhe could not...

*****

- Mrs. Hudson, I cannot simply live without your coffee!
-Still, Mr. Holmes - in it after all is so much morphine.

*****

- Mr. Holmes how you learned, what I am a cyclist?
-U you strong feet, narrow hips, tenacious fingers, your intonations govoryat
o that you often test an orgasm. But the main thing, in my office vy
poyavilis by bicycle.

*****

Young Baskervil sits in the state muddy. Barrymore enters. - the Sir! It is possible a glass of water? - Konechnovozmi. Barrymore takes and leaves. So 5 times repeat. On the 6th time Baskervil does not maintain: - Barrymore! Why you need so much water? - Pozharser!

*****

Bothered Watson that Holmes smokes constantly, he decided it to disaccustom. Holmes left somewhere, Watson took his tube, to himself into a bum thrust, turned and put back - here say Holmes will come, he tubes shit bears something - and will not smoke. Holmes came, indifferently took a tube, smoked. The next day Watson decided to repeat Ha - effect same … So repeated the whole month … Holmes did not give up smoking. Ho but Watson without tube cannot any more!

*****

Got drunk Sherlock Holmes and dr. Watson of beer also throw out of a pothouse. Came for a corner poccat.
-Holmes, why we ssy together, and a stream one?
-is elementary, Watson! You forgot to take off trousers!

*****

- Whether it seems to you strange, Holmes, what at that crow sitting na
skameyke on a nose - eye-glasses?
- At all, Watson. The matter is that from last Monday razdel
chastnykh announcements "Tayms" which she looks through, became pechatat
chrezvy

*****

News of the old kind English Internet:
-On the site www.ovsyanka.ser appeared the recipe from doctor Watson "Kak
prigotovit of sir Henry by a breakfast after a meeting with @ baskervilly".
- At excavation around Camelot is found king Arthur S
kruglym's computer by the worker stolom.
- The Inspector Lestreyd arrested two dead persons, suspects v
rasprostranenii internet-chervey.
-On the site www.baskerville.gav there was Kostevaya Kniga.
- On the site 1jj.ru the new joke about Holmsa.
- At English forums oyavitsya it is possible to do without password now. Dostafor sure
vvesti word of the gentleman.

*****

- Well, the doctor, the patient is helped by your injections in a foot? I do not know
-Yet, Holms.
-Yes, in these wooden feet medicine, probably, is acquired more long.

*****

Well here, means!
sobralis together famous heroes of jokes: Gena's crocodile, poruchik
rzhevsky, Borman, Petka, Chapayev and all others. Gathered and discuss who from them knows more verses. Well, the Cheburashka, of course, became pet:
"Slowly minutes departure afar...", to it that verses that songs, all the same... Chapayev, strangely enough, remembered: "The cloudlet gold"
lermontova spent the night, probably Furmanov read to it in due time. Stierlitz is surprisingly more increasing somehow from the Russian folklore deklamiroval:
"my Hand bells, flowers steppe..." Sherlock Holmes could tolko
roberta remember Burns: "You whistle, I will not keep waiting for myself...", it after all is more by scientific part, than on poetry. Lieutenant Rzhevsky iz
denisa Davydova: "About the poor hussar say the word..." Well, generally, who in what gorazd.
tut it everything bothered Lenin, and he speaks, let's go another putem.
provedem konkurs.
ya I will not participate in competition, and I will ask each of you one question, will answer knowledge of the poem Pushkina.
kto correctly, will get to selection group, and we somehow will choose the winner from it. However, as we will choose, did not tell, but the main thing, as they say nachat.
a was talked of the poem: "The we love less woman, the easier she like us" .
mnogiye after all confuse and speak: "The we love less woman, the more she like us" .
NU, here, Lenin began to ask all in turn. Who spoke "more" who is "less". At last the turn reaches the lieutenant Rzhevsky. And he of course in general does not know this poem. Well Lenin also asks as the poem say comes to an end: "The less woman, we love, the...?" The lieutenant Rzhevsky solved, eh, here goes, and speaks: "It is more than subjects х&й at us costs!" Lenin speaks: "Neprrravilno! "
A Blondinka overheard their conversation and thinks: "Aha, everything is clear! "
lenin to it the last again with this question: "The we love less woman, the...? "
blondinka: "It is easier for those х&й at you costs! "
VOT so!

*****

Well-well, - The Hound of the Baskervilles told, having met Gerasim.

*****

- About what it for chilling lingering abstruse sounds?
-Is a bayan Baskervilya, the sir.

*****

One lady decided to put Sherlock Holmes in difficult polozheniye.
-Dear Sherlock Holmes, - she addressed to the well-known detective, - You never learn, what color from me trusy.
-you absolutely without pants, - Sherlock surely told Holms.
- And how you learned it?
-On dandruff which dropped out on your varnished shoes.

*****

Once Sherlock Holmes and doctor Watson had an inspector Lestreyd on a visit. During conversation Watson sprosil:
-Tell, the inspector, what phrase to you was necessary to say most often in life?
lestreyd said:
-This requirement: "A name of the queen, open!"
togda asked Holms:
- And what most memorable phrase you said only one, but unforgettable time?
I Lestreyd said:
- When once on a Devonian beach the respectable lady undid a bathing suit, I demanded: "A name of the queen, close!"

*****

Once Sherlock Holmes banged Mrs. of Hadson.
-Only not in me! Only not in me! - Mrs. of Hadson.
- And in whom else shouted? - unperturbably Holmes asked, - after all except nas
v to the room anybody net.
one day doctor Watson banged Mrs. of Hadson.
-Only not in me! Only not in me! - Mrs. of Hadson.
- And in whom else shouted? - doctor Watson, - after all except us asked,
V to the room of anybody net.
-Are mistaken, dear Watson, - was heard because of a portiere nevozmutimyy
golos Holmsa.
one day Sherlock Holmes banged the doctor of Vatsona.
-Only not in me! Only not in me! - on a habit shouted from-za
portyery Mrs. Hudson.

*****

Holmes and Watson stayed at hotel. In the morning Watson complains portye:
-In the night from two to three someone knocked on a wall a stick! It is awful
-, - the porter answers, - mister Sherlock Holmes could not fall asleep?
-Fortunately, at this time it usually plays a violin...

*****

- How to distinguish in crowd of people of the Russian programmer?
-is elementary, Watson, they always use foul language, having seen images Kirilla
i of Mifodiya...

*****

Sherlock Holmes and doctor Watson hunted for The Hound of the Baskervilles somehow … Ambush. Suddenly the huge black dog runs on them it is not known from where. Holmes and Watson took some steps backwards, the dog ran by, everything oboshlos.
i here Watson asks Holmsa:
-Listen, Holmes, us after all two?
-Yes.
-A why then I see only one small group?
-is elementary, Watson! It because I managed to take off trousers, and you - no!

*****

Pisuyut Sherlock Holmes and a dotor Watson in tualete.
tut Watson to a speaks:slushayta Holmes. Here we pisat is identical, and a sound raznyy.
pochemu?
kholms otvechayet:elementarno, Watson! You to me pisat in a boot, and I to you v
zontik!

*****

Holmsu:
-of Holmes approach doctor Watson Sherlock, I here for couple of days should drive off, and I have patients, practice. You could not for me in an office sit?
-Well problems!
vatson left, Holmes conducts reception. The Doctor comes muzhik.
-, I have an elbow on the right hand bolit.
-Well, bring urine on the analysis, razberemsya.
prishel the man home tomorrow, the doctor some strange tells zhene:
-Something at us. I speak to it: "The hand hurts", and he urine on the analysis demands from me!
-Well so let's be kidding! The man in a jar, then there the wife, the daughter and a cat cast. Comes to reception. Holmes took a jar, chatted, attentively looked on svet:
-Means, so: your wife on the fifth month of pregnancy, at your daughter a gonorrhea, and at a cat worms. And you onanist. And still you have a toilet very much tesnyy.
- The Doctor HOW YOU LEARNED?!! Yes you when it are engaged in
-, an elbow about a wall fight.

*****

Poker spaniel. This breed was removed by one card sharper who departed from affairs. It was supposed that the dog of this breed can keep the company to the lonely fan to be thrown in kartishka. Further other sharper taught the to spy poker spaniel in cards sopernikov.
kogda it exposed, owners of a casino declared hunting for dogs of this breed.

*****

After the death Sherlock Holmes gets to a purgatory, it should pass three ispytaniya.
privodyat to it 10 absolutely identical young men, it is required to define: who from them pervochelovek Adam? In a few minutes privodit.
-As defined? It is simple
-, its navel net.
prilepili a navel, mixed with remained nine. Through a couple of hours privodit.
-As defined?
pereshchupat was necessary, the edge is not present at nego.
vpravili an edge, mixed, long there is no Holmes, however, privodit.
-Truly how learned? Deduction
metod: I told them: "Go all of you to e *** y mothers", one remained the others left.

*****

- Listen, Holmes as you think: why Abramovich, not samyy
bogaty the person in the world, wins first place on expenses? It is elementary
-, Watson. Rich people are avaricious - the more richly, the skupee.
a Abramovich has no psychology of the rich

*****

- Listen, Holmes. As you think, what government bolee
kompetentnoye: American or Ukrainian? It is elementary
-, Watson. Of course, Ukrainian. Judge for yourself. In to
time as the silly U.S. Governments and the European Union countries obkladyvay

*****

- Listen, Holmes as you think: if human rights organizatsiya
finansiruyetsya the USA, whose rights it protects? It is elementary
-, Watson!

*****

- Listen, Holmes that newspapers write: scandal in Buckingham dvortse.
korolevskaya protection on service plays cards and the porno trades! Chto
skazhete?
-is elementary, Watson! It plokho.
-is bad?! No, it is shocking!
-is shocking, dear Wats

*****

- Listen, Holmes! You know about the new stock of the Ministry of Defence of Rossii
sovmestno with Afghan soldiers "In army not terribly"? Everything I understand
-Slyshal.
-Ya, but why Minoborone Afghans?
-Same is elementary, Watson! For fire a

*****

- Listen, Holmes. As you think: if the countries - exporters nefti
otkazhutsya to beat down the price, whether it will be regarded by America as pryamaya
voyennaya aggression?
-Well you, Watson! Of course, no. It will be regarded as narusheniye
p

*****

- Listen, Holmes. As you think: why America interesuyetsya
soblyudeniyem human rights in other countries, and other countries ne
interesuyutsya observance of human rights in America? It is elementary
-, Watson. When on the dark street you ostanavli

*****

- Listen, Holmes. As you think whom first of all the trainer has to byt
futbolny: teacher, researcher or creator?
-It, Watson, watching in what country. In Ukraine, as vyyasnil
reglamentny committee of the Verkhovna Rada, the former trainer of the

*****

- Listen, Holmes. As you think: why after arrival orange k
vlasti in Ukraine everything rises in price, and dollars become cheaper?
-One or the other, Watson: or orange they are printed, or prodolzhayut
poluchat a salary from State Department.

*****

- Listen, Holmes why all these Russians live at us in London?
-Russians, dear Watson, very reasonable people - they do not live where steal.

*****

Watson to Holmes - any, and Holmes to it and speaks:
-That comes, Watson, again watched all night long a porno?
-Yes, Holmes but how you learned?
-is elementary, Watson! First, at you red glaza.
- And secondly?
-A secondly, Watson, in our house of any movies, except a porno, no!

*****

One lady and speaks:
-Mr. Holmes comes somehow to Sh. H. and D.V., I came here to prove to you that you, with all the deduction will not be able to guess what color on me now shorts!
vzglyanuv is negligent on the visitor Holmes without deliberating otvetil:
-you in general now without trusikov.
- And how you guessed?
-On dandruff on boots...

*****

The fire inspector and speaks:
- And where you have a box with sand, the sir comes to Sherlock Holmes and doctor Watson? With
-A here, please, the sir, - Sherlock Holmes and the doctor of Vatson.
-But same porridge, the sir answer it! - the firefighter inspektor.
- At the real English patriot, the sir, even in a box with sand dolzhna
byt porridge speaks!

*****

Walking Sherlock Holmes with Watson hear: - U-u-u-u-u-u!
vatson asks Holmes: - Holmes, it howls The Hound of the Baskervilles? -
NET, Watson, unperturbably answers Holmes, is sir Henry eats up the morning porridge.