Jokes about the characters

Read funny Jokes about Sherlock Holmes

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Sherlock Holmes asks Watson.....
-A interests me more - that it is necessary to do to support our people? To sow more or to put more?
-is Less, the sir!

*****

Sherlock of Holms:
-Watson, you across Pyana blew yesterday a bottle of the horse activator?
vatson pechalno:
-As you guessed?
-Ya never saw so happy Mrs. Hudson.

*****

Sherlock of Holms:
-Watson, I see you suffered prolonged anxiety utrom:
-Excellent, Holmes, again your deductive method today?
-of Hypermarket: You forgot to put on trousers, Watson!

*****

Sherlock Holmes enters the room and sees the doctor Watson sitting in a chair in front of the TV and holding in hand a wooden stake, the silver revolver and lgromny raspyatiye.
-Votson, what you do it? - asked Holms.
-You see dear Sherlock, after on television pokazali
serial "Master and Margarita", from the TV выскакивают
какие devils, ghouls, vampires, werewolves and other evil spirits all the time. Here i
prikhoditsya to defend.

*****

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson sit, smoke anashu.
-Listen, Watson! What you for a strange name have a Doctor?

*****

Sherlock Holmes and doctor Watson were inclined over a corpse of a dog of Baskerviley.
-Holmes why it it is visible in the dark?
-is elementary, Watson. Pedigri - Your dog shines health.

*****

Sherlock Holmes and doctor Watson walked on evening Londonu.
prokhodya on Holmes Bridge stopped and said:
-my Friend, using the deductive method I a campaign nauchilsya
upravlyat behavior lyudey.
-Yes well!? Well let's check
-. Here see there is a gentleman. Now on
prygnet from it mosta.
-cannot be!
kholms the Englishman stops the person and speaks:
-you?
-Yes.
-you go from bank?
-Yes.
-A you know, what an hour ago it robbed?
-A... that... no... is that so!!! And with shout jumps in reku.
-Well, Holmes, it sovpadeniye.
-is good, look, here one more idet.
-Forgive, you the Frenchman?
-Yes.
-you go from the prostitute?
-Yes.
-A you know, what all London knows, what it has a syphilis?
-A... that...
Ta kartina.
-Well, my friend, I proved to you?
-Well. Here if once more...
... There is a man...
-Good evening, dear!
-Hi!
-A you is casual not from Russia?
-Well?!
-In that case is not known to you what in England the law is issued,
zapreshchayushchy to jump from this bridge?
muzhik (throwing a foot through a handrail):
-A to us, Russian men of по$ %y!!!

*****

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson in the dark pisat round the corner...
-Holmes and why I urinate rather loudly, and at you is almost not audible? It is elementary
-, Watson! It therefore my friend that you urinate to me on boots, and I in turn to you in a pocket...

*****

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson sit in the morning at a fireplace on Baker-strit.
kholms reads the newspaper, and, distracting, is unexpected asks:
-Watson how you think, what your aunt would tell, having learned where you spent last night?
-B than business, Holmes? I was all night long at home!
-Ya is not confident in it. Matter in that, dear friend that … However, do not worry: "Таймс" writes that the fire in your house managed to be extinguished.

*****

Sherlock Holmes and doctor Watson go on the wood. Holmes shows to Watson a heap derma:
-See, Watson - here we with sir Henry for the first time met a dog of Baskerviley.
-Holmes, and why a heap only one?
-Because I, unlike sir Henry, managed to take off trousers!

*****

Sherlock Holmes and Watson had supper at expensive restaurant. The food was absolutely tasteless therefore Watson was extremely surprised when Holmes told ofitsiantu:
-Give, please, my congratulations to the cook, - and then added: -
EMU was incredibly lucky that it took here for work.

*****

- Sherlock Holmes, you with your talents could hide for a lattice of all London criminals long ago. Why you still did not make it?
-is elementary, Watson! If I make it from whom I will buy opium for the tube?

*****

Sherlock Holmes and doctor Watson spend the night in the wood. At night prosypayutsya.
-Tell both, Watson about what you are told these stars over us?
-O that tomorrow there will be a good weather. And to you, Holmes? They say
-A to me that at us filched tent.

*****

- Sherlock, I here tell why women have hair on a pubis such soft and curly, and at men rigid and direct? Suck
-, Watson, and do not distract on trifles!

*****

Sherlock Holmes and doctor Watson box on Baker of Strit.
-Watson, recently I began to notice that you avoid me. First, you began to look back all the time. Secondly, you began to lock the room for the night that earlier never did. Thirdly, earlier you read the editorial of Tayms, and now to Daley of newspapers, and all because there print announcements of delivery of housing. I draw a conclusion that you pricked up skis. You want to fade from here, a paskudnik!
-But Sherlock, what I had to think? In the beginning I found at you in a bathroom lipstick, spirits and a powder box. Then these your strange visitors. That the man in women's clothing, on the contrary, children everyones are pounded. And at last, found on a coffee table a sheaf with dildos. From this I can imprison only one - You the gay, the transvestite and in addition the pedophile!
B is time the doctor falls on a couch after well-aimed blow of Holmes, the shivering hand pulls out from under a pillow the revolver and shepchet:
-do not approach, the pervert!
Ha that Holmes is quiet otvechayet:
-my Friend, you as always mixed everything. I perfectly understand the course of your thoughts, but everything is much simpler. Simply my work of the detective, though is interesting, but does not bring in the necessary income. Therefore I decided to open SexShop in suburbs of Yorkshire. Only and all.

*****

Sherlock Holmes and his friend doctor Watson conduct conversation at kamina.
-Holmes how you think whom actually was awful Jack the Ripper? The doctor of Vatson.
-how dexterously and ruthlessly this maniac undressed svoi
zhertvy asks
-a question, is undoubted that he is a physician. A monster in human shape,
prikidyvayushcheesya the respectable inhabitant, - Holmes answers, zadumchivo
glyadya on Vatsona.
-Rather it is the former police officer or the detective. Especially if to accept vo
vnimaniye as dexterously it managed to escape dry of hands of Skotland-YARDA.
I, undoubtedly, the misogynist - it is known that his victims were padshiye
zhenshchiny.
-Very curious hypothesis, Watson, - Sherlock Holmes chilly answers. A
kstati where it our hostess, Mrs. Hudson's
mileyshaya got lost in so late hour?
-It seems that communication with two so uncommon gentlemen as we s
vami, Holmes, did not pass for it completely. Recently eta
pochtennaya the lady behaves extremely excentricly! In what it is shown by
-I, Watson?
-She long smells your cocaine, and then, having put on a road suit, ukhodit
v perfect loneliness to wander about slums of night London. Moreover и
зачем takes with itself your false moustaches and a beard and moy
chemodanchik with surgical tools!

*****

Sherlock Holmes, lighting up a tube, whether addresses to Vatsonu.
-it seems to you, dear doctor, what we came to be, slovno
robinzon and Friday, on the desert island?
-Why you so think, Holmes? It is elementary
-, the road drug.
-First, passed here already whole year as Mrs. Hudson does not bring nam
zavtrak and we are compelled to get food hunting and fishery!
-Secondly, we live not in the stone house on Baker Street, and v
palmovoy to a hut!
-I thirdly if you properly look round around, will see that my
nakhodimsya absolutely one on the small plot of land in the middle of the ocean!

*****

Sherlock Holmes wakes up in the morning and tells Vatsonu:
-you looked all night long pornukhu.
- And how you guessed, Holmes?
-First, your eyes krasnye.
-is correct, and secondly?. Secondly, I more than anything have no
-A.

*****

Sherlock Holmes and doctor Watson investigate ogrableniye.
-Watson, so it some ragamuffin ran up to you this morning, tripped, beat out tooth and pulled out a gold watch?
-Yes, Holmes, but … as you learned it?
-is elementary, Watson: first, you right there cried "Holmes, to the aid!", secondly, on hours there was a donative inscription "To doctor Watson from the lady To.", and, thirdly, you have in hands my collar.

*****

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson. Holmes smokes a pipe. His Watson asks:
- And, however, Holmes, what you saw a dog Baskervily?
kholms (thoughtfully) stretches it a tube, speaks:
-Here you are, Watson, be tightened. And not such still will see...

*****

Sherlock Holmes vstechat Watson in the hall well-known osobnyaka.
vatson:
-I went by bogs here, met a dog of Baskervilley.
merzopakostney of an animal I did not see yet!
KHOLMS:
-is excellent, Watson. Now will see. We are waited by SIR BASKERVILL!

*****

Exterior. Well what here to tell - the World to its ashes - good was sobaka.
sobaki this breed sometimes appear characters of legends and works in style of a fantasy.

*****

It who the first of a sort Baskervilya shouted: "To me, Mukhtar!"?

*****

- I call you from Jerusalem, Holmes. I traveled together with teshchey.
i it suddenly skonchalas.
-my condolences, Watson. I know, you with it were not in luchshikh
otnosheniyakh, but nevertheless...
-of Holmes, I want to ask your council. If to

*****

And after all indeed well is to some, after all gosudar does not see theft, and the security guard selling.

*****

And in general, elections do not make sense there - where very big percent korruptsii.
soldatov, teachers and other people - force to vote for for whom prikazhut.
inache can dismiss and still a heap of troubles ustroit.
tak "roundabout" works - people for money go round a heap of polling precincts and golosuyut.
i of course corruption in high official posts, elections also do senseless.

*****

And it is Moscow where there live Vovik and Dimon. And today they try to win vybory.
-Vovik, I che the ochky. You think will give a ride?
-Yes you calm down! I already two times so did!

*****

And NOW NOVOSTI:
V a number of regions on elections recorded a record appearance - in some subjects of federation it approached closely hundred percent. Inhabitants of Chechnya appeared the most conscious - there 99 percent of the population of the republic came to polling precincts. Only 5 thousand people were not. The president already set to security officers the task of their detention. The same consciousness was shown by inhabitants of Chechnya and in a political choice - more than 99 percent of votes were given for "United Russia". The heads of the dissatisfied will be hung out in administrative centers of the republic for the next four years.

*****

Allah gives to Chechnya money and 99.5% of votes of the United Russia.

*****

- Hallo, mother?! You can congratulate me! I won presidential elections!
MAMA radostno:
-Oh! Honestly?!
-Mother, well though you would not pin up.!!!

*****

Amerikanets:
- At us one Claude Van Damme replaces ten members of spetsnaz!
russkiy:
-It that? Unas one Churov replaces ten million voters!

*****

The Armenian radio asks Americans after elections to SShA:
- As you could elect the president-idiot?
amerikantsy otvechayut:
-We such rich country, are able to afford even it!

*****

To the Armenian radio set question :
-Why in the Ukrainian circuses only children laugh?
-Children do not go to elections...

*****

The grandmother comes to shop behind bread. Speak to it: bread costs 30 rubles - 15 rubles bread and 15 on elections of "ER". The grandmother swore and left without pokupki.
na the next day comes - stretches 30 rubles, asks bread. Return to it 15 and speak: "Bread is not present, tomorrow come".

*****

Barack Obama calls Medvedev and complains that there is a high probability that his democratic party will lose at congressional elections Ssha.
medvedev speaks:
- The Hogwash! I will help you. There is at me a specialist in elections, Churov his surname. It to you will arrive - all uladit.
vybory passed in the USA. Medvedev calls Obama to learn that - yes - kak.
obama speaks:
-Yes in general everything silently-quietly passed. Only the result strange some - all states with a big separation was won by the United Russia.

*****

Basques gave the vote for "United Russia" and now it is compelled to lip-synch.

*****

Berezovsky declared that will leave Russia if Primakov's Primakov.
reyting becomes the president rose from 35% to 85%.

*****

Thanks to modernization of electoral processes, primeneniyu
nanotekhnology and to creation of the competitive political environment in the Voronezh region vote of 130 percent of voters, in the Rostov region - 147 is recorded. Heads of other regions which are not keeping up to date expect dismissal.

*****

Thanks to last State Duma elections, now we know not only WHOM we will elect in presidents but also AS.