Jokes about politicians

Read funny Jokes about Putin

<** Previous Topic          Next Topic **>

417  418  419  420  421  422  423  424  425  426  427  428

Speaking on press conferences on an occasion of the upcoming elections, Putin nearly told: "Do not sell the skin before one has shot the bear", but in time stopped short and replaced this saying on: "Do not exclaim "Up" having not yet make a jump".

*****

Speech of the president of the Russian Federation Vladimir Vladimirovich of Putina:
-I Want to express deep condolences to the people of the USA in connection with tragic death of the president George Bush!
IZ zala:
-Vladimir Vladimirovich so it not umer.
putin to the Chief FSB:
-Ty that, a padl, dishonor me?
In a minute we will correct, mister president!

*****

Putin's performance on television after attempt at the president of SShA:
- I would like to express condolences to the people of the USA apropos bezvremennoy
konchiny the U.S. President George Bush...
-of Postoyte, but after all it survived...
putin Kasyanova and speaks:
-That you calls up, the brother, me dishonor?
- is remediable In a minute.

*****

Heroes of a sword and magic. New hero: Putin. Special skill: when jumps on the dirty road, ahead of it it becomes paved. And still it has a magic - "A presidential train" - all monsters on the card run up or give way. At arrival to the city - there Graal automatically is under construction. If to bring out of the city - Graal disappears

*****

The main task of Putin in the forthcoming 12 years of presidency - to achieve from future president Prokhorov of guarantees of personal security.

*****

Gleb Pavlovsky is asked, whether Putin onanizmom.
pavlovskiy:
-is engaged And I from where know?
- Well as! You said that you - his right hand...

*****

Dead of night. At the president phone calls. It wearily rises and takes trubku:
-Hallo?
- Hi, Medved! Et I, Vova. Fast tell me: predatory fish from family of webby, eight letters across, the second "e".
-Vladimir Vladimirovich, night outside. All normal people sleep davno.
-Well, a horse-radish to themselves! In the country such crisis, and it is SPIIIT!

*****

Looking at our roads there is such impression that Putin took Russia with fights.

*****

Putin tells somehow Medvedevu:
-You, Dimon, absolutely the botanist became: iPods, twitters vsyakiye.
poydem, we will better be delayed. Into the bar we will come, we will drink. Well we will remove maids, potrakhayemsya.
-That, directly at maids?

*****

Speak, to Putin's arrival to the airport Ben Gurion some specially caught terrorists were brought... and they were kept in a toilet...

*****

2004. Vladimir Putin congratulated Victor Yanukovych with Conditionally - the Early victory on elections.

*****

2004. Putin from Kiev comes back. Lyudmila asks: "How went? Kakoye
vpechatleniye? "
- Interesting people! You represent, such arranged that to get acquainted with me!

*****

1999. Yeltsin calls candidates for the successors. Chernomyrdin comes. Yeltsin asks:
-As, in your opinion, names and middle names of the new president and the Russian Prime Minister have to sound? - Victor Stepanovich and Anatoly Borisovich.
- And why not Stepan Viktorovich and Boris Anatolyevich?
TOT becomes silent, without knowing. Primakov comes. Yeltsin sets the same question .
primakov otvechayet:
-Evgeny Maksimovich and Yury of Mikhaylovich.
- And why not Maxim Evgenyevich and Mikhail Yuryevich?
primakov too does not know the answer. The following candidate enters. Same question. Otvet:
-Vladimir Vladimirovich and Mikhail Mikhaylovich.
- And why not... And, it you, companion Putin...

*****

2008. Before retirement Putin staged large-scale military exercises. Upon termination of called the minister oborony:
-Well, Ivanov, again the submarine was sunk?
- Mister the President, incidents with submarines was not!
-A how many helicopters got?
IVANOV:
-Mister the President, any helicopter did not fall!
- Well, so brought down the civil?
- Mister the President, the rocket deviated a course. The shot-down planes were not!
utrom Putin causes Patrusheva:
-Here I had Ivanov. Said that no incidents on doctrines existed. Even did not get to the plane. Lies, probably?
- Well, does not lie. Submarines came to an end still before last vyborami.
the Last helicopter Basayev brought down a month ago. By the plane the last flew by ballistic raketa.
-Means everything is all right?
patrushev was rumpled, pomyalsya:
-Well, there was, of course, a slip. The rocket fell to the last spaceport …

*****

2004. sprashivayut:
-What competitors will order to pick up Putin?
- On x..., - Putin.
nautro the message answers: communists nominated Kharitonov, Union of Right Forces - Hakamadu.
2004 year. Putin is asked: - What competitors will order to pick up? - On x..., - Putin answers. Next morning message: communists nominated Kharitonov, Union of Right Forces - Hakamadu.

*****

2050. The republic RUS
DED vnuku:
-YES - and- And here at Putin was the power!!!

*****

2500. The textbook on stories for the 6th class of average shkoly.
"Dark centuries of Russia: from Ivan the Terrible to Vladimir Otmorozny"

*****

1996. The secretary prezidenta:
-Boris Nikolaevich, to you misters Gusinsky, Berezovsky, Potanin and Chubays.
-Well, ponima-ashsh, prosi.
2001 year. The secretary prezidenta:
-Vladimir Vladimirovich, to you misters Gusinsky, Berezovsky, Potanin and Chubays.
-Well, enter!

*****

Anniversary of election I WILL GIVE prezidentom.
prazdnichnaya a press conference, with representatives of foreign newspapers, and also there is GDP with members of the government. Mr. Putin rises certain venerable American political obozrevatel:
-, I to want to ask you one question long ago! There is such ancient ryuskiya a saying - two bears in one den not to be located! And you very quietly to work with the successor! How it at you it to turn out?
VVP, with tenderness looking at DAM:
- Well what is a bear?! This is the BEAR CUB!

*****

A series fantastic and political proizvedeniy:
"Vova Putin and the Solovki Stone of"
"Vova Putin and the Secret Toilet of"
"Vova Putin and the Prisoner of Krasnokamensk of"
"Vova Putin and the UEFA Cup of"
"Vova Putin and Bloody Gebni's Award of"
"Vova Putin and Preemnik-Polukrovka of"
"Vova Putin and Dara of the Dead Donkey prepares for the edition"

*****

The preparing attempt at Putin in Tehran is strong PR ход
президентской teams. The following courses will be: Putin marries za
kirkorova, Putin and Gryzlov's grandfather became a prototype of the main character romana
a. Belyaeva * the amphibian Person *, came to Brighton scourge a new album of Putin,
I Condoleezza promised Putin to think.

*****

Gr - well of B. A.
V we tell the answer to your complaint to Berezovsky that Putin V. V. since May this year from a post is detached and transferred to other work.

*****

The Leningrad group which much underwent from authorities of the capital prepares k
kontsertam in the State Kremlin Palace. This sensational novost
postupila from the press center of the Moscow city hall. Mayor of the capital ofitsialno
prines apologies to the leader of collective Sergey Shnurov. "At me byla
nepravilnaya information on creativity of "Leningrad", it really narodnyy
kollektiv" - Yury Luzhkov so commented on the unexpected decision.

*****

Davos. V. Putin's press conference. The correspondent sets question :
-Dear sir Premier how you managed in stay by the President and having a salary 3 thousand dollars, to hammer together the capital in 40 billion dollars?
- Well, I plowed as the slave by galleys! That is you rowed with
korrrespondent:
-, rowed and rowed?.

*****

- Ladies and gentlemen, President of the Russian Federation V. V. Putin! (All get up). Putin:
-Well you enters, sit down! All are put.

*****

Two brokers discuss results of election of the president of RF:
- Yes, in the closest four years of an action grow not budut.
-Why?!
-A that, your way chose Bykov as the president?.

*****

Two druzhbana-students in crowd of the same students meet Putina
i government delegation near Univera.
i here heads of the country approach them...
pervy the student managed to shake hands Putin, and the second - Berezovskogo.
pervy speaks:
-Well everything, month I will not wash a hand, after all the president pozhal.
vtoroy:
- And I, will not come home, from its pocket not vytashchu.
- And what so yet???
- Yes 100 dollars was pasted.

*****

Two Americans remember Putin's visit to Texas: "I do not remember who there such abrupt went on the white jeep, but vodily it precisely had an U.S. President!"

*****

Dual-core processors appeared in the 2nd half of the 2000th years. And D. A. Medvedev who appeared then on the president's post simply confirmed once again that dual-core processors are expensive and useless show off which one kernel always stays idle and with a clever look waits until to it the main EDRO allows to work...

*****

On December 31 at 12.00 on all channels Father Frost who will declare delegation of power to V. V. Putin will act.

*****

Deputaty:
-In the provision on stabilization fund there is too much dyr.
putin:
-It not holes, but technological openings.

*****

J. Bush at first had oil business, and then became prezidentom.
v. Putin absolutely on the contrary...

*****

George Bush supported fighting spirit of Americans - acted on ruinakh
vsemirnogo Trade Tsentra.
a on ruins of TV-6 Putin acted...

*****

The Russian investigation was reached by the classified information on preparation amerikanskoy
storony to a meeting of two presidents. Mister Bush asked razuznat
proiskhozhdeniye surnames of the Russian president and to show the osvedomlenost
na to an internal meeting. For the Russian president there was a problem -
podgotvitsya to the necessary answer. The matter is that the American political scientists,
poiskav roots family Putin, did not find them in Russian and oni
ostanovilis on two versions - the first - a pier, a surname Putin came the iz
anglo-German group of languages, another - the native from Latin gruppy
yazykov with the Russian termination. The final decision will be made na
dnyakh. For the lyubotny we report - the Anglo-German version - "Putin" -
oznachayet "Put in" - a literal translation into Russian: "insert, thrust", the
latinsko-Russian version - the termination "ин" in Russian means сын
кого, and so "put" - in translation from Spanish - "a zhenchina legkogo
povedenya", that is - "bough". By rules of Russian the last bukva
" and" is lost when the termination "ин" is added.

*****

- How think, Putin sometime will leave the president's post?
-Konechno.
-A when?
- Right after crowning of course!

*****

1st appointment of V. of Putina:
-Good evening. I will be short. Let's go?

*****

Putin goes to a meeting, is late. Asks the driver strike gazu.
-I cannot, Vladimir Vladimirovich, it is not necessary, protection will not be in time, kortezh
otstanet;
-Dai I zarul will sit down, - tells Putin; Takes the wheel as vtopit, ot
vsekh came off, somewhere at the intersection crashes into the back to the abrupt jeep. Na
dzhipe, abrupt bratva.
-Go ask, - the senior, "six" at a wheel speaks, - who at them a roof i
kto for rulem; That comes back, in shoke:
-I do not know who at them a roof, but Putin drove.

*****

Putin goes by the tram...

*****

Yeltsin left the Kremlin to talk to the people, jumps out from crowd a patsanenok and asks:
- The Uncle, and you operate Russia?
- Well, I! Let's drive
-! I Will give
-. Only wait it is sensitive: still Putin did not ride long enough!