Jokes about politicians

Read funny Jokes about Putin

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There comes Putin to Ukhryupinsk, and there purely, beautifully, is well-groomed!
PUTIN:
- The Demon and here is better than in Moscow! How this remarkable place is called?
- in my opinion, "window-dressing".,

*****

There comes Putin to the States. Bush meets, reception, then a formal dinner party. Putin of the menu izuchayet:
-So, ate it, it too, it I do not want. O-au! 'Brains of the Black '- should be tried. Ate, ponravilos.
dumayet: - Something is necessary on reciprocal reception such to think up! Through time receives Bush. Again reception, obed.
bush studies the menu: - It I do not want, it I will not be, ate it, HERE! Communist's brains! Ordered, waits. Half an hour is not present, hour is not present, an hour and a half do not bear zakaz.
putin in rage calls the chef: - What is the matter??? Why 2 hours do not bear the ordered??? To
vladimir Vladimirovich, will not believe, two hundred goals were scored! So brains are not present, only languages!

*****

There arrived a Petersburger to Moscow. Walks on Arbat. Suddenly podkhodit
ment also asks dokumenty.
peterburzhets (puzzly):
-A that, something happened to Vladimir Vladimirovich?

*****

There arrived Putin to America Alaska to redeem. Approaches to local Eskimo vozhdyu.
tot speaks:
-Alaska costs much! So I will pay
-, - Putin answers and pulls out a bag different bus.
vozhd:
-What is it?
-Busy.
-Give better money! To Putin money to get
prishlos. Vozhd:
-What is it?
- the Russian money - rubli.
-Is not present, then give better a beads!

*****

There arrived somehow Putin to Germany to meet with old, so to speak, kollegami.
nu those, naturally, invited him on informal uzhin.
nemetskaya punctuality: at 19 o'clock Putin is not present, in 20 - no. At 21 o'clock concerned Germans call Voloshinu.
tot otvechayet:
-Everything normally, schas we will be, simply GDP on a habit long on the city turned, of an outdoor advertizing got rid...

*****

There arrived Putin to Ukraine to improve the relations. Ended ofitsialnaya
chast. And further, as usual the meeting without galstukov.
idut they with Yushchenko in a sauna to take a steam bath. Well were so steamed, gorilochki
popili. Putin and speaks:
-Vitya, and girls where?!
-B. B. so under the protocol is not necessary...
- Then shcha to suck off me budesh.
-Sho? That I am independent Ukrayna's President...? You do not awake with
-to do - we will disconnect gaz.
nu Yu. calls the assistants and asks sho to do. They emu:
-Put Putin on a stool and delayte.
delat there is nothing. Generally fulfilled. Putin is happy and asks:
- And why on a stool?
- Never of Ukrayn will kneel before Russians!!!

*****

10 signs of that you too long lived in the remote place Rossii:
1. You know that "McDonald's" - expensive restaurant with qualitative i
vkusnoy edoy.
2. You consider 100$/month get prettier zarplatoy.
3. Is stronger, than Caucasians, you do not love only moskvichey.
4. "Zaporozhets" is too the car, and "Zhiguli" - excellent mashina.
5. On giving it is necessary to go not to have a rest, and rabotat.
6. You buy household appliances of known world firms "Sonie",
"Panasonix" and "Pieonnear", clothes under brands of the best mirovykh
proizDriverey "Adadis", "Naik" and "Reabok".
7. To you are nice at the same time Putin and kommunisty.
8. 150 grams of vodka are every day not alcoholism, and very umerennoye
potrebleniye.
9. You constantly choose from all forms of leisure only two: item 8 (povtorit
po need) and televizor.
10. You not up to the end understand a word meaning "Internet".

*****

Putin on the historical Homeland after long absence arrived, leaves the plane, stood and speaks:
-I will understand Nothing, where it we?
press-secretary otvechayet:
-St. Petersburg, chief!
- A-a-a, did not learn, rich will be.

*****

Pripev:
slavsya, the Fatherland our cathedral -
vlasti gangster a reliable stronghold! Putin's
mafiya - force national -
K to a pan-mongolism will bring all of us …
- * ----
skvoz of a thunder-storm shone to us a bald patch gensekov
i Putin great to us a way ozaril.
prishel it as a future symbol veka
i the Caucasus Mountains blood zalil.
- * ----
PRIPEV.
- * ----
Bcex of our enemies we will waste in the outhouse, us hexogen barns polny.
i to nice Putin - the khan of Rossii
my we will be always selflessly faithful to
U!

*****

Gryzlov to Putin comes and speaks:
-Vladimir Vladimirovich we achieved such success in fight against any opposition and dissent! So why not to forbid it at all???
- Yes I is glad but I cannot - have to know from where I that that in the country actually occurs!

*****

Medvedev after elections domoy.
mama comes: - The sonny, I so worried!
medvedev: - Mother, well you though do not pin up!!!

*****

The oligarch to Putin and speaks:
-V. V. I here taxes for 10 years ahead zaplatil.
putin:
-Molodets.
oligarkh:
-I comes and a salary for 10 years ahead zaplatil.
putin:
-Molodets.
oligarkh:
-Is possible for the workers I abroad I will go, I will live there a little?
PUTIN:
-A on a path to sit.

*****

The amanuensis to Putinu.
zadayet a number of standard questions comes...
perepischitsa:
-Following question: "In what kind of activity is engaged vashe
predpriyatiye? "Service
PUTIN:
-naseleniyu.
perepischitsa:
- And what?
PUTIN:
-Sexual (smiles) .
perepischitsa:
-It as?
PUTIN:
-Yes I have all of you!!!

*****

Putin comes to a teleworkshop in the evening and brings the broken DU.
panel - Brothers! What does it become?! Did not pass also years as you repaired the 4th button, and now here and the 6th started sinking down... And in general TV some uninteresting became. Sports programs seldom show. Whether it is impossible to correct all this disgrace by tomorrow's morning?
zakhodit the next morning. Return it the working panel and sovetuyut:
-Vladimir Vladimirovich, you somehow are softer next time on buttons press, and that it is necessary to change all panel...

*****

Putin to Yeltsin and speaks:
-Boris Nikolaevich comes somehow, it is possible for you an immodest question to ask? How many at you was prime ministers to me?
eltsin kept silent... In two hours Putin to prezidentu:
-Boris Nikolaevich again comes! You took offense at me for that question, huh? of
-AI... no, panimashsh... I still consider!.

*****

Putin to Kasyanov and speaks:
-Mischa comes, you where take money? From byudzheta.
- And there who puts
-?
-Narod.
-is strange, - Putin answers, - and the people ask from me...

*****

Putin comes to a hairdressing salon. The hairdresser cuts it and all time
asks Putin about Chechnya. In total Chechnya and Chechnya... How there in Chechnya? Kogda
zakonchitsya war in Chechnya and t. d?
putin did not sustain: Well that you this Chechnya too eb*t, perhaps?
- Well, to me to shit in general... You ask
-A of that then?
- Yes is simple at you at the word Chechnya hair bristle, more convenient to cut...

*****

Putin comes to make out pension to. Old women saw it were delighted. Speak, pass a pier, Vladimir Vladimirovich, without turn. And Putin reddened and occupied turn at the end of a corridor.

*****

Putin to the proctologist comes and speaks:- The doctor, me something, understand where, disturbs. The doctor long looked and then speaks: In total ponyatno.
-Doctor, what diagnosis?
- of Zalizalis...

*****

The chairman of Tsentrizbirkoma.
- At me for you 2 news, one good, other bad comes to Putin after elections. With what to begin?
-C bad, - are answered by Putin.
-Zyuganov gained 75% golosov.
-.! - Putin clutched at the head. - And good then what?!
- You gained 76%.

*****

Putin, drunk in ass, home, hardly standing stoit.
vstrechayet him Wife:
-Vova where you so got drunk comes, and?
PUTIN:
-Naina...
Wife:
-What I am Naina, it at Borka - Naina.
putin:
-Naina...
Wife:
-Yes I all life was Lyudmila, you that?
PUTIN:
-of Nainaguration!

*****

Come delegation of teachers to reception to Putinu:
-Vladimir Vladimirovich, we absolutely have no money!
- of Anything terrible. So come!

*****

Four Tatars come from Kazan i
zayavlyayut:
-Vladimir Vladimirovich to the President of Russia of a kom@nd of KVN, we demand that we were paid as sbornoy
rossii on soccer! What
VVP:
-S, I'm sorry, stat? BUT AFTER ALL we TOO the PEOPLE MAKE LAUGH with
-!

*****

Putin, Gryzlov and Mironov come to restaurant. The waiter and asks:
-Vladimir Vladimirovich what will order approaches Putin?
-Ya I will be myaso.
- And how vegetables?
- Vegetables too will be meat.

*****

God to Putin came and speaks: "Volodya, so a pier and so, Russia to me is not indifferent. I want to help you and your country, order that you want: money, resources, anything. But consider, that you will order all, I will make and for Americans, and is more better and in a twofold size. "
putin thought-thought and speaks: "All right, strike on the Ostankino tower!"

*****

Obama came to the Kremlin to negotiations with Medvedev. Waits-waits, and Medvedev is not here. Suddenly doors open, the out of breath Medvedev runs in. Obama:
-Dmitry what happened? Excuse
- - got stuck in a traffic jam! Putin went to work in the morning, - the road blocked!

*****

The winter came to Russia, all cities began time to freeze. Chiefs gathered in the Kremlin, argue that delat.
putin speaks: "It is necessary to change batteries"
shoygu answers: "No, rotted through pipes, it is necessary to change pipes" .
nikak cannot find the answer, decided to ask the people. Called from the stokehole of the mechanic, govoryat:
"Here judge, we do not know, we should change pipes or batere? "
slesar thought-thought and speaks:
" Is not present, batteries yes pipes will not manage here. Here all system rotted through. The system should be changed".

*****

Putin's program for carrying out reform:
1. To make people rich and schastlivymi.
prilozheniye 1. The list of people is attached.

*****

We continue novosti.
segodnya the President of Georgia Eduard Shevarnadze sent to the President Putin a greeting in which, in particular, it was told: "Hi, Vovka!" .
prezident Putin, in turn, sent to the President Shevarnadze the message. About the text of the message it is reported nothing.

*****

There is the next meeting of the Duma. For discussion of one of voprosov
priyezzhayet Putin. He passes along corridors and sees that bolshinstvo
deputatov is not in a hall, and he crowds together in different places otdykha.
ostanavlivayetsya near one such group and speaks:
-you would solve public affairs better, than on sofas sidet.
a they to it otvechayut:
-We and so always solve them, than on sofas we sit.

*****

Yeltsin woke up somehow and hears: music, shouts, some noise What is it? - asks Dyachenko.
- And it is inauguration, - answers ona.
- And and heard, Berezovsky won...
- Well, the father, is Putin's inauguration!
"is strange, - Yeltsin thought, filling up, - Berezovsky,
A inauguration - Putin won..."

*****

Prokhorov: I do not need to steal, I have all est.
putin: It is possible to think that I do not have something.

*****

- How there took place in Sochi Putin's meeting with editors of the Russian mass media?
- is Very glamourous! Putin remained is happy with all, except Ekho Moskvy radio station. Advised to replace its name with "the Loud-hailer of the Kremlin".

*****

Putin on charitable evening in Sankt-Peterburge:
"I, as well as the vast majority of people neither to sing, nor I am not able to play, but I like it to do as however and to operate the country. You should suffer"...

*****

Putin and Bush in Russia on rybalke.
zakinuli rods, Putin with concentration looks on poplavok.
bush that slaps itself to a cheek, in a forehead, in a neck, all ischesalsya.
smotrit on Putin - that quietly watches for poplavkom.
-Voldemar and why the face ne is bitten?
- Me is impossible.

*****

Putin entered a surplus-appropriation system: Vekselberg hands over eggs, the banker Pugachev hands over gold chicken. All others hand over simply greens.

*****

Putin returned from Israel and went to church on ispoved:
-Very much sinned. Deceived Sharon, fooled to him golovu.
batyushka:
-to Deceive Jews - not a sin, but a miracle.

*****

Putin:
-to Include Yamal in structure of Krasnoyarsk Krai - good idea, to include Altai in structure of the Kemerovo region - quite good. But why to nobody the idea to include Japan in structure of the Kuril Islands came?

*****

Putin at a meeting with businessmen and investors speaks:
-Kickback to the past will not be!
B someone shepchet:
-Hints a hall that it is necessary to give kickbacks to the future...