Jokes about politicians

Read funny Jokes about Putin

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Putin hauls up the subordinate on "carpet":
- Well how many were wasted in the outhouse lately?
podchinennyy:
-Yes one everything - Luzhkov. I do not know as far as "wetted", but zasrat thoroughly.

*****

Putin causes Yavlinskogo:
apfel, will go to England. A roof - a position of the ambassador. I here in the Petersburg opera of one enlisted yesterday, the nickname Poodle, a surname Blair. Will be in touch.

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Putin left the United Russia, then entered, then again left, then again entered, left, entered, left, entered... They snoshatsya there, and brains for some reason bang to us.

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Putin, Gaidar and Chernomyrdin come into restaurant. Vladimir Vladimirovich flies up ofitsiant
-, you that will eat?
(Putin) - I will be myaso
(Waiter) - and how vegetables?
(Putin) - and vegetables too will be meat.

*****

Putin in Germany finishes the speech, departs from tribuny.
vdrug, something having remembered, comes back and speaks:
-Yes, and it... Hitler kaput!

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Putin as the anthem of Russia - the word new, but the melody is familiar for a long time.

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Putin told Makkartni:
-Paul, I always so liked music of Beatles! Estimate, I after all even wanted to order the new anthem of Russia to you...
NO Paul, you know these Mikhalkov - it such mafia!.

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Putin: - "You speak about human rights violations! Whose it is right? Names, appearances, surnames..."

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Putin:
-you speak about human rights violations! Whose it is right? Names, appearances, surnames...

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Putin finishes 4-hour communication with the people. The leader speaks:
-Well, is more than questions net.
-As so, - Putin is surprised, - and at me two more answers remained...

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Putin forbade spring to come because is afraid that it will be "Arab".

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Putin at a meeting pravitelstva:
-Misters, I congratulate you on the termination of the second stage of privatization. Now everything belongs to us. It would be time already and to think of the people!!!
golos from zala:
-Yes, Vladimir Vladimirovich, is time - a shower on 200 would not prevent...

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Putin declared that all state officials should buy cars exclusively Russian proizvodstva.
mercedes, Lexuss, BMW and Audi declared construction of new plants in Russia.

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Putin declared that is ready to the maximum transparency!
Ckopee would disappear, perhaps.

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Putin declared that will not go to the third presidential term. Crowning will take place under the simplified protocol.

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Putin declared: If Ukraine now enters NATO, it will be simple membership.

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Putin calls Bush 11 sentyabrya.
-Mister president, allow me to express deep condolences on a tragedy occasion. Thousands of lives, building of the Pentagon, building of the World shopping center, planes... Than you tell
- O, mister Putin?
(a short pause) of
-of Lines, excuse, again forgot about time difference.

*****

Putin calls Zubkov - Well, how you my plan?
zubkov - is grandiose, the people exult! Under your wise management of Rossiya
stanet of a superstate, GDP it will be decupled, the UN will become branch of Gazprom! I
voobshche, I have no time, I want to summarize your plan urgently!
putin calls Gryzlov - Well, how you my plan?
gryzlov - is ingenious, the people delighted! Under your rukovodstvom
rossiya all population of the country, vklyuchaya
grudnykh children will become sensitive an example of democracy in the world, will correctly vote. And in general, I have no time, hochu
eshche time to re-read your plan!
putin calls Luzhkov - Well, how you my plan?
luzhkov - is large-scale! Under your continued management we prevratim
moskvu in one continuous building. And in general, I have no time, I want more raz
obsudit with the wife your plan!
putin (thoughtfully) - M-m-Yes..., everything read my plan, it is pleasant to all! Probably, after all it to write
pridetsya!

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Putin, he is the same electee, as Neo. Both were elected by some matrix...

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Putin - Kuchme.
-Leonid, in the territory of Ukraine the Russian gas from a pipe vysasyvayetsya.
eto a disgrace, stop!
-Vladimir Vladimirovich, I do not understand that you are indignant? Ukrainians sosut
u Russians... You that, want that was on the contrary?

*****

Putin on-layn:
-Just on the Internet came a good question: Whether "Long, Vova, you will be a president? "I answer with
-to the owner of IP who asked this question (such), a host (such), provider (such) to Berezovsky Boris Abramovich, the unemployed who is temporarily living in French riviera of France: "LONG!"

*****

Putin on-layn:
-Just on the Internet came good question :
"But not zapadlo to you, Vova to answer anonymous questions on the Internet? "
otvechayu to the owner of IP who asked this question (such), a host (such),
provayder (such) to Ivanov Sergey Vasilyevich living na
ivanovskoy, the house 13/2.
HE ZAPADLO!

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Putin was not that is lazy, and is inclined to pensive sozertsaniyu.
zhirinovsky, hlopotun awful, we will eternally gain thirst deyatelnosti.
putin it quite often abused. Happened, lies on a sofa, vkhodit
zhirinovsky. Putin to it: "Vladimir Volfovich, as a favor - behind beer you do not run?" And right there quietly fills up back. Knows: there was no case that Zhirinovsky returned. That will run the petition somewhere to sign, on civil funeral. And that will be frightened of something and will go to Baden-Baden. Without beer Putin was not afraid to remain. Thank God, serfs were. Was, whom to send.

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Putin, the Boat, NTV - be connected!
K most, most...

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Putin - Luzhkovu:
-Why on the Moscow roads is a lot of traffic jams?
luzhkov - Putinu:
-Drink...

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- Putin loves everyone!
- And you can somehow this love to unsubscribe?

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PUTIN and MERLIN
DUKH the great wizard Merlin turned the look on the president of Russia,
vladimira Putina.
-Is only of people which one thinks, tells another, a
delayet the third. He transferred Putin to the dried-up field, put him on dve
taburetki and asked: - Whether "It is convenient to you to sit Vladimir Vladimirovich?"
- Yes, - answered Putin. - To me in my, political and gosudarstvennoy
deyatelnosti often it is necessary to sit on two chairs odnovremenno.
merlin became angry on the direct and impudent answer and lifted powerful pylevuyu
buryu. Passed hour, and Putin even never blinked. Sits and smeetsya.
-Yes that for the devil? - Merlin was indignant. How you remained is safe?
-Ya got used to start up so much dust in eyes, ears and lungs of billions lyudey
na to the planet that long ago became to it nechuvstvitelen.
-Ah, so! Merlin cried in rage and a spell called the devil. - Well, with
seychas you will be fed to satiety!
TUT of lines began to feed Putin with noodles violently. And that eats everything and eats i
ukhmylyaetsya. Passed 2 hours. Merlin did not sustain, grew furious. - Yes skolko
zhe in you vlazit, leanness dirty? Putin with a smile tells
-A. Yes I the whole world feed with noodles long ago! I
raskhokhotalsya in golos.
-Merlin jumped as stung and shouted to the devil - "Turn out it na
iznanku!"
CHERT turned out Putin on a wrong side and involuntarily exclaimed - "Oh, kakoy
krasavets! "
merlin looks, there is a two-meter, broad-shouldered Russian handsome,
pokhozhy on Dobrynya Nikitich and laughs. - So I also was on iznanku
vyvernutym. Thanks!

*****

Putin:
-What can be dialogue with opposition? They something muffled mychat.
-Vladimir Vladimirovich, and you a gag at them take out.

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Putin:
-Can be to tell, what our seamen illegally caught fish in the Norwegian waters in the heat of passion?

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Putin as ice cream. You will lick - You will derive pleasure, you will bite off - teeth will ache.

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Putin:
-Muscovites, I promise that I will make of Moscow Ry soon...
raytsentr of the Leningrad region.

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- Why Putin ran into Most group?
- Because Putin - the native of St. Petersburg, and in St. Petersburg it is accepted to draw bridges.

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Putin "pumps up" the football national team before departure on chempionat.
putin:
-If do not leave group - can not come back!
sbornaya (chorus):
-URA-A-A-A-A-A-A!!!!!!

*****

Putin pays official visit together with Voloshin to one of rossiyskikh
shkol. Is interested at the director, what problems are available, on what direktor
otvechayet:
-Yes here, the school building any minute will collapse, repair is necessary, anybody iz
children never in life saw the computer, it would be necessary organizovat
kompyyuterny a class. But at school is not present deneg.
putin:
-I perfectly understand your problem, but now the country nakhoditsya
v a deep economic crisis and it has no opportunity to help vam
matheralno. However your request will not remain unaddressed and as tolko
u the countries will be money, to you obligatory will be rendered pomoshch.
sleduyushchee a place of visit of Putin - Lefortovsky prison. There nachalnik
tyurmy, naturally, too complains to it of the problems. Putin
rasporyazhayetsya:
-I Order to eliminate overpopulation of chambers in the shortest possible time, chtoby
v to each chamber there was a TV, and at each prisoner - svoy
kompyyuter!
posle of that as they leave, Voloshin interesuyetsya:
-Vladimir Vladimirovich and why you refused to help school, but pomogli
tyurme?
- So after all agree: again we will happen to get to school vryad li
kogda-nibud.

*****

Putin - narodu:
-Want that I fought crime and corruption? We Want
-, we want! Want
- that I put oligarchs? We Want
-, we want!
- Well, or we put all, starting with Gusinsky, or we do not put anybody, starting with Berezovsky!

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Putin narodu:
-We will increase GDP twice!
pravitelstvo Putinu:
-Is not present, it is necessary by 3 times!
- It why? - Putin.
-So nadot is surprised that also of the people a che-thread came the way, - the government grins.

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- Why Putin finds time to read jokes on 1jj.ru?
- Because all his subordinates are afraid to die in a toilet.

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Putin is our everything! - so self-critically consider 25% of Russians who do not have anything really any more.

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Putin to Obama: "I will erase you in cocoa powder!"