Anecdotes about the job

Read funny Jokes about teachers

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The teacher of elementary grades teaches children of the imagination and to original thinking. Uchitelnitsa:
-Children, think that it could be: gray at the road?
DETI:
-Concrete stena.
uchitelnitsa:
-is correct. But still it can be and a burro. And what such big and brown in the field?
-Korova.
-is correct. But still it can be a stack of old hay...
TOMI (from a back school desk):
- Or heap of shit!
uchitelnitsa:
-Always you, Tom, tell any nonsenses!
TOMI:
-A is possible I too I will ask?
uchitelnitsa (cautiously):
- Well, try...
- That it could be - when it push, it firm, dry and direct and when you get - soft, wet and flabby?
uchitelnitsa, having flashed, quickly crosses a class and gives to Tom a ringing slap in the face. Weary (rubbing a cheek):
- is correct. But still it can be chewing gum!

*****

The teacher wrote the equation on a board and caused uchenika.
-Find X! - yes to it zadaniye.
-Found! - right there he answered and pointed a finger "x".

*****

The teacher explains to children division. Wrote on a board "2:2" and asks:
-Children who knows, what it means?
- Nobody's! - Zhenya jumps up from the first school desk.

*****

The teacher explains to children concept of "row". Then asks to think up the uniting word to several privates sushchestvitelnym.
-Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday...?
- Days nedeli.
-Zhiguli, Mercedes, Zaporozhets?
-Mashiny.
-Smirnov, Petrov?
- Vodka.

*****

Uchitelnitsa:
-Petkov! Or you will become silent on all lesson as fish, or I call your father!
UCHENIK:
-to you after all is easier to find other reason for appointment, than to grow me gills and will learn to throw caviar!

*****

The teacher caught Andryusha behind smoking and speaks:
- And well we will go to your parents! To ottsu.
-your son smoked
privela at Belomor school .
otets vozmutilsya:
- Andrey, well why to you this "Belomor" - Yours of "Disgraces" na
kholodilnike lies.

*****

The teacher "would" resort to the director in slezakh:
-Akh6 this the ninth is simply intolerable! Not pupils -
zhivotnye, cattle! And one even threatened me изнасиловать!
Представляете?!
Директор rises and goes to a class. Enters. Silently osmatrivayet
ryady ninth-graders also points a finger at the repeater na
pervoy parte:
-This told? I understand: this time told - will make.

*****

The teacher gives classes on civil oborone.
-Listen attentively, - she explains. - The air-raid warning, siren
zagudeli is declared...
Bce pupils, except for one, right there dived under party.
-Sammy! - the teacher cried. - And you why sit, how in anything ni
byvalo? Save rather the life!
-A unless you do not know, what in the war there are heroes?

*****

The teacher advises children to remember the motto: "It is better to give, than to receive". Odin
uchenik krichit:
-my father always uses this motto!
-U you remarkable, noble father! Than he is engaged?
- my father - the boxer!

*****

The teacher asks:
-Vova if in one trouser pocket at you ten rubles, and in drugom
tridtsat, what it means?
- It means that I put on others trousers.

*****

The teacher asks:
-Children who knows, from where flows electricity?
- From the jungle! - Vovochka.
-Why from the jungle shouted?
-A when my father wanted to shave this morning, he exclaimed: again these monkeys disconnected electricity!

*****

The teacher asks uchenika:
-Why you were not at school yesterday?
-U us was addition in a family... Da's
-? Brother or sister?
- That you! Mother at last married!

*****

- The teacher asks uchenika:
-"I am beautiful" - what this time?
- Last, Valentina Vasilyevna.

*****

The teacher on uroke:
-What most useful birds for the person? Sergey:
-Fried, Maria Ivanovna.

*****

The teacher at a lesson asks uchenika:
-Tell when Julius Caesar died?
- Died? I did not even know that he was ill.

*****

The teacher at the Chukchi school speaks:
-I already which time explain that a half cannot be bigger or smaller! And a big half of a class of it does not understand.

*****

The teacher at school: Children call what transparent substances you know Deti:
-Voda.
-Steklo.
-Air.

*****

The teacher in shkole:
-you know, children that if someone badly sees one eye, another,
kak governed, - it is much better. Somebody can bring analogichnyy
primer?
podnimayetsya Petya and speaks:
-If at someone one foot is shorter another, another is usually longer...

*****

The teacher at school explains a difference between only and multiple chislom
i speaks:
- The Woman smotrt in a window. Dzhonni:
-Singular of Uchitelnitsa:
- And if three women look out of the window? Dzhonni:
-It is a brothel, mem.

*****

The teacher at school asks children whom work them roditeli.
-my father shofer.
-my father inzhener.
- And my father umer.
- And what he did before died?
- Groaned.

*****

The teacher bothered to do infinite reprimands to the pupil for bad behavior. Once she to it saida:
-I would like though three days to stay your mother. I you quickly perevospitala.
-it is good, - the boy answered, - I will talk to the father, maybe, he will agree.

*****

The teacher bothered to do reprimands to the pupil for bad behavior.
one day she to him saida:
-I would like though three days to stay your mother. I you bystro
perevospitala.
-it is good, - the boy agreed, - I will talk to the father, maybe, he will agree.

*****

- From cold all bodies are reduced, respectively, from heat uvelichivayutsya.
kto will be able to bring? - speaks uchitel.
-in the Winter days well, and is longer in the summer.

*****

In 30 years after leaving school John came to a meeting with odnoklassnikami.
vse tell about the family, rabote.
-John and with whom you work?
-Ya general.
-cannot byt.
ty at school of nothing znal.
- And I and now nothing znayu.
no that by the morning everything was made!

*****

School. Enters a class new uchitelnitsa:
-Zdrastvuyte my name is Marikhuanna Gashishovna, and now answer me kak
letayut birds?
Bce horom:
-Jambs!!! - on faces of pupils appears radost.
- And how there go cars?
Bce is simple in inexpressible delight orut:
-Ha wheels!!!
-A that are eaten by cows in the winter?
VIZG passing in voy:
- The Grass!!!!!!! Da's
-!? And so: birds - packs, cars - on the road, cows - hay, a
familiya at me Oblomov.

*****

School. Very decent. Special. With deepened izucheniyem.
s some time the head of a class noticed that iz
uchenits the 7th class often meets one directly at school shikarnaya
mashina with serious men, it (schoolgirl) fashionably tak
odevatsya became, jewelry everyones, behaves provocatively,
NU is generally clear... When to close more eyes stalo
nevozmozhno, decided to collect teachers' meeting, invited the schoolgirl...
dolgo explained her all depth of its falling, then zavuch
asks:
-Well now you understand, what it is bad?
uchenitsa otvechayet:
-If I knew that it is so good, would begin years pyat
nazad!

*****

The schoolgirl asks at mather:
-Mother, tell me, what such a five-years period?
- the Five-years period, the daughter, is a labor rush. In five years in strane
vsego will become five times more!
- Only?
- Yes, the daughter, and we will live five times better! To school the teacher sets
B question :
-Children, tell, what such a five-years period?
zhelaya to flash knowledge, the schoolgirl lifted ruku.
- The Five-years period is a labor rush when all becomes in pyat
raz more - both bread, and oil, and lyudey=
uvidela in a window - the dead man vezut.
-=i dead men, both thieves, and beggars, and poor students.

*****

The school teacher says kollege:
-No, it became absolutely impossible to work. Teacher boitsya
direktora. The director - inspectors. The inspector - checking from ministerstva.
ministr - parents. Parents are afraid of children. And only children are afraid of nobody...

*****

The school teacher came to the neighbor, the doctor - hirurgu.
poboltali about that, about this, watched TV, drank on a liqueur glass vina.
kogda the guest already said goodbye at an entrance, the owner told: - Say hello supruge.
kstati, how its health?
- You see I actually, about it prishel.
ona fell from a ladder and lies in the bottom of unconscious there.

*****

The noise reaching from the next class disturbs the teacher of a message urok.
on comes there, grabs an ear of the main shouter and takes away it in the klass.
po to the neighbourhood becomes silent. After a while shy knock in dver.
vkhodit the pupil from the next class and speaks:
-Ivan Petrovich is distributed! You could not return us our teacher?

*****

The examiner lyubopytstvuyet:
-A why, actually, you, the young man, chose to yourself the teacher's profession? Call main prichiny.
-Iyun, July, August.

*****

- Eh, how many control it is necessary to check! Reluctance! Stepanovna - can, will help?
- Well, give, give...
- So, sit down a back. Turned away? Began! So, what we will deliver to this notebook?...

*****

I freely talk on Russian, English, French … and at other lessons too.

*****

- I so furiously fight against my congenital laziness that when,
nakonets, I win, already there are no forces to go to school...

*****

- Yankel, write, please, razborchivy! - does the remark uchitel.
-Yes? You still ask that I wrote without mistakes!

*****

B to the small village stopped a squadron the hussar. In the first day вы#бли all women. In the second - all men and children. In the third - old men. For the fourth day there arrived the lieutenant Rzhevsky and began...

*****

Ha to a ball Pierre Bezoukhov dances a waltz with Natasha Rostova. As Natasha very much is pleasant to it, he puffs, snuffles, tries not to strike with the person in dirt. Ho here from excessive efforts from its frock coat flies away a big gold button and falls to Natasha for cut of a dress. Through some vpemya
ona it is rolled out from under a hem. The lieutenant Rzhevsky (having stared in amazement of an eye):
-of Natali! At you p% $да rasstegnulass - with-with...

*****

Ha one of secular dinners was to many people, and the boy, the little son of owners all time turned at all under feet and to all disturbed. Approached it Rzhev, told something and took away to the room. After that the boy did not appear all evening in a hall. At the end of a party to Rzhev one of guests and said:
- And from you approached, the lieutenant, appears the quite good tutor! What did you tell the boy?
- of Anything. I taught him to an onanism...

*****

Natasha invited the lieutenant Rzhevsky to herself home (to dance) and asked to take off boots that not to wake the old governess...
I suddenly at night it hears awful sounds: "Shkryab, shkryab, shkryab... "
Natasha and speaks:
- The Lieutenant take off boots, and that it is loud stuchat
tantsuyut further. Natasha opiat:
- The Lieutenant well take off boots! I already snat
Rzhevskiy:
-A!
- So it knocks?
- Nails …