Anecdotes about students

Read funny Anecdotes about students

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Survey among students of the different countries is conducted. Who for how many can learn Japanese? The first asked the American. That on the computer clicked and speaks:
-Odin year and eight mesyatsev.
sprosili the Frenchman, that ran to library, saw catalogs there and promised to learn for god.
sleduyushchim in the list there was the Russian student. Found it in a smoking-room, asked the burning question. Student:
-A the textbook of methodics is?
DALI to it the textbook of methodics, it it at the time of a prolistal:
-Shch I will finish smoking, I will go to hand over.

*****

Make experiment on survival. To the locked rooms put the engineer, physics and mathematics. before everyone the closed chest with food. In few weeks open the room of the engineer. The chest is open, the engineer is full, happy zhiznyyu.
pokazyvayet gvozd
-Here, from nailing bent a master key, opened zamok.
zakhodyat to the physicist. The chest is carried in chips, the physicist is full, happy. Shows a leaf with raschetami:
-Here calculated where at a chest a weak place, knocked, it and rassypalsya.
zakhodyat to the mathematician. The chest is closed, a floor, walls, everything is used up formulami.
na to a floor sits angry, become unproductive matematik:
-So, we will try to go by contradiction. Let's assume, the chest is open...

*****

Broke through the sewerage. The plumber with the trainee left remontirovat.
santekhnik dives into the hatch. Then vynyrivayet:
- The Student, a key on ten!
stazher gives. The plumber nyryaet.
opyat vynyrivayet:
- The Key on fifteen!
I again dives … some minutes get out
through, rubs off shit from a face and speaks stazheru:
-Study, the student, and all life keys you will give that!

*****

Woke up with thought: soon session. Rasstroilsya.
potom remembered that there is no session, and it is necessary on rabotu.
rasstroilsya even more.

*****

The poor student in some hotel, seemingly, the road wakes up. Nearby the nice girl shining with happiness she tenderly kisses it on a cheek and gently vorkuyet:
-I Want a shinshillovy fur coat, a diamond necklace and a sports car, - and runs away in vannuyu.
student, having scratched golovu:
- The Pancake, I represent that I yesterday on excite with it told!.

*****

The student wakes up in the morning. In the head only noise and one thought: "Devil, today examination". It is hardly filled up in institute, finds the necessary audience. Anybody, without learning, buys the ticket, sits down at a school desk. Suddenly understands that cannot answer one question. Asks at the left on the right. Writes off in front, behind. At the end of examination approaches the teacher and gives pieces of paper. - All right, that you wrote here, three balls I will deliver you. Will arrange? - Yes. - Give a record book... No, I in life saw a lot of things but that the second-year student passed examination for the third - never.

*****

Professor tries to begin lecture. Here the audience is run in by the Student.
-item. You why Opozdali.
-page. Understand, I participated in city rally competitions, and won first place there, so far reached, slightly and the Opozdal.
-item. Well it is a good reason, sadites.
professor again tries to begin lecture as 4 more Studenta.
-items run in. And you why were late?
-C. Understand, we went by rally where our student took part, and supported it, here is how only everything ended we at once with the Syuda.
-item. Well sadites.
professor again tries to begin lecture as the Devushka.
-item runs in. Why you oops...., and yes, I know..... YOU With RALLI.
-Devshka.:-0..... NO, I SMOKED!!!

*****

- Professor, and I will have a machine gun?
- Yes, and kersey boots!!!

*****

Professor-biologist gives lecture studentam:
-Obviously that the first two hours per lives of any zhivogo
sushchestva are for him the most dangerous period...
ODIN from students kills it voprosom:
-But whether it seems to you, as the last two hours are not deprived izvestnogo
riska?

*****

Professor:
-Mister student, wake the soseda.
-you lulled him, you also awake him.

*****

Professor with group of students stand at the prepared corpse. Professor asks:
-Khokhlov of what this man died?
- Absolutely clear case y heart attack!
- is incorrect!. Brooms! Of what this person died?
- a brain Tumour, late defined, deadly iskhod.
-Is absolutely far from truth! Smirnov, what you tell? The alcoholic's Liver, cirrhosis, an outcome yasen.
-As you determined by
-so precisely the diagnosis?
- That I do not recognize my neighbor, the uncle Kolya?!

*****

Professor friendly smiles to the examined student, kotoryy
yavno nervnichayet.
-We, apparently, are already familiar, - he encouragingly speaks. - Not vstrechalis
li we earlier? Yes, I handed over
- to you last year. But, unfortunately, provalilsya.
-Well, this time, I am sure, everything will go perfectly. Whether remember, kakoy
pervy I asked a question to you at last examination? You asked
-: Whether "We met earlier?"

*****

- Professor, set to me one more additional question .
-All right. To you repeating an examination conditions are known?!

*****

Professor of history, explaining to students as the beauty ideal changes over time, brought following primer:
-to Ms. America-1921 was sixty meter in height and weighed seventy three kilograms. How you think, she would win at a beauty contest today?
- Hardly, - was told by one of students, - too it old.

*****

Professor-historian reads to students lektsiyu:
"... is known the fact that in Alexander of Macedon's army soldiers were each other not only brothers in arms, but also carried out duties of marching wives. "
-Professor, so that - turns out - all of them that, gays perhaps were? "
- Is Penkin with Moiseyev gays, and it were the presents fighting 3,14dorasy!

*****

Professor at lecture asks a question auditorii:
-Who will be able to explain to me, for what at spermatozoa long tails?
Bce are silent, one girl robko:
-Probably that easier to get from teeth?

*****

Professor at lecture tells that the man in time polovogo
snosheniya loses so much energy that this energy quite would be enough for that, to push
chtoby off one commodity car. One student, potyagivayas:
-Eh, now a sostavchik to Vladivostok!

*****

Professor on lektsii:
-Skolko time to speak to you! Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels not the husband and wife, but four different persons!

*****

Professor at lecture asks: - Here if before a ram would put a bucket with water and a bucket with vodka what the ram would start drinking? - Water, - students answer. - And why? - But because ram.

*****

Professor on lektsii:
-Students, do not hesitate, ask. Silly questions do not happen, happen only silly otvety.
-Mister professor and if I get up on tram rails two feet, and hands I will grab the conducting line, I will go as the tram?

*****

Professor in medinstitute:
-Now we, companions students, will go to a mortuary on praktiku.
v morge:
- And so! The doctor should not be fastidious!
professor takes the finger puts in @@ at a corpse and licks palets.
vse students frowned, but repeated all these deystviya.
-Good fellows! You not fastidious! But the doctor has to be also attentive!
soval I am one finger, and licked another!

*****

Professor: - How the storage for water is called?
student: - Prezervuar?
professor: - Correctly, only without "p" .
student: - Rezervativ?...

*****

Professor addresses to the student:- You why missed lecture?
-Bolel.
-davay.
- At stadium of references do not write out the Reference

*****

Professor addresses to studentu:
-You why missed lecture?
-Bolel.
-davay.
- At stadium of references do not write out the Reference...

*****

Professor addresses to studentu:
-Smith, yesterday you were noticed in the territory of the female hostel. From you a penalty of 10 dollars. And if you get once again, it will be already cost 25 dollarov.
-by Professor, we are business people. How much is subscription on a semester?

*****

Professor at university set once to the students such question .
vse, what exists, is created by God?
ODIN the student safely answered: "Yes, it is created by God of" .
"God created everything?" the sir asked professor.
"Yes,", answered student.
professor asked, "If God created everything, God means created the evil, time it exists. And according to that principle that our affairs define ourselves, God means there is an evil" .
student became silent, having heard such answer. Professor was very happy with himself. It boasted to students, what it once again proved, what belief v
boga it mif.
drugoy the student raised a hand and told "I can ask you a question, professor? "
" Of course", answered professor.
student rose and professor asked ", the cold exists? "
" What a question! Of course, exists. To you it was never cold?"
studenty laughed over a question of the young man. The young man answered, - "Actually, the sir, cold weather does not exist. According to laws of physics, that we consider as cold actually is absence of heat. The person or a subject it is possible to study regarding, whether it has or transfers energy. The absolute zero (-460 degrees on Faringeyta) is total absence of heat. All matter becomes inert and incapable to react at this temperature. Cold weather not sushchestvuyet.
my created this word for the description of that we feel in the absence of heat. "
student continued. - "Professor, darkness exists? "
professor answered, "Of course, exists."
student answered, "You are again wrong, the sir. Darkness also not sushchestvuyet.
temnota actually there is an absence of light. We can study light, but not darkness. We can use Newton's prism to spread out this world to a set of flowers and to study various lengths of waves of every color. You cannot measure darkness. The simple ray of light can rush into the world of darkness and light it. How you can learn how dark any space is? You measure what amount of light is presented. Isn't it? Darkness is concept which the person uses to describe that occurs in the absence of light. "
B the end of the ends, the young man asked professor,
- "The sir, the evil exists?" This time uncertainly, professor answered,
"Of course as I already told. We see it every day. Cruelty between people, a set of crimes and violence worldwide. These examples are not than other as manifestation of the evil."
Ha is the student answered, - "The evil does not exist, the sir, or at least it does not exist for him. The evil it simply lack of Boga.
ono is similar to darkness and cold - the word created by the person to describe absence of God. God did not create the evil. The evil it not belief or love which exist as light and heat. The evil is result of absence in heart of the person of Divine love. It like cold which comes, when there is no heat, or like darkness which comes, when there is no light. "
professor sel.
imya the student was - Albert Einstein.

*****

Professor writes on a board with crayons...
C of back rows slyshitsya:
- And blue is not visible!!!
professor postpones chalk and speaks:
- And blue can sit down on the first row!

*****

Professor showed to the entrant a tail of some animal i
asks:
-Define what it zhivotnoye.
abituriyent watched, looked, rose and went to dveri.
-What is your surname?! - shouts professor.
-On a tail and define, - the entrant told and, having wagged the back, left iz
auditorii.

*****

Professor teaches studenta:
-One fool can ask more questions, than the wise man to give answers!
student:
- Then is not surprising that we so often "swim" at you at examinations!

*****

Professor accepts examination. Sits down to it the student, all night long drank, the subject did not learn. Declares professoru:
-I know nothing! Give to
-a record book, dva
-Well do not put, please, want I before you I will dance, on a ceiling I will run about!
-Davay
student probuzhat on walls on potolku.
-TRI
-Well do not put to me three, please, want I your portfolio the view from one school desk of another I will throw and back?
-Davay
student threw portfel
khorosho, chetyri
-Well please do not put the four, want I on you I napisat and from you will smell shanelyyu No. 5
-Davay
student wrote on professor, ponyukhal:
-it did not turn out, well and a horse-radish with it, put the four!

*****

Professor accepts examination at students. Comes cute blondinochka:
-Give me "an excellent"!
professor (is dumbfounded): - Yes people here for "five" of a kostma lay down!!!
blondinka (looking round): - Where?

*****

Professor holds a seminar and sees that one student knows nothing. He asked it, asked, all a bestolka. Professor and speaks:
- And, you, the young man I do not allow to session. You absolutely know nothing!
- Professor, and give I I will ask something you and if you do not answer, I will hand over session, by then I will learn everything. And if answer, that, I will go to serve.
prikinul professor and speaks:
-Well, give, sprashivay.
student:
- And you know how rain worm at all length vertically into the earth to hammer with a hammer and that it thus whole remained?
dumal, thought professor and sdalsya.
-Well how it can be made?
student:
-Yes, as easy as shelling pears, it is necessary to smear a worm with epoxy glue and when dries to hammer into the earth!
nastala session. Naturally the student learned nothing. On wadded feet it comes to pass examination to that professor. The shivering hand stretches a record book. Professor, without any questions is enough a record book, Otl puts ".", puts in it hundred dollars, and stretches it to the student with slovami:
- And it you from my wife!

*****

- Professor, professor, what you did?! In a record book neud do not put!
- do not worry, smart guy, it to you is more and it is not required …

*****

Professor of psychology objyasnyaet:
- The Best way to relieve the girl of a depression - potseluy.
odin the student pereasks:
-Professor and how to bring the girl to a depression?

*****

Professor of psychology reads lektsiyu:
- The Best way to relieve the girl of a depression - to have with it sex...
student:
-Professor and how to bring the girl to a stress?

*****

Professor tries to hammer a nail into a wall, and itself holds a nail a hat to a wall. Anything it is impossible. Other professor attentively looks at him and at last understands in what delo:
- The Colleague, you took a nail from an opposite wall.

*****

Professor:
-What most outstanding product was presented to us by chemistry na
segodnyashny day?
- of Blondes.

*****

Professor asks studenta:
-Tell, please, why animals lick the genitals? Because they it can do
-, professor!

*****

Professor asks the student on ekzamene:
-What you know types of childbirth?
student:
-Premature, overdue, nepravilnye.
professor:
-is more detailed, You're welcome.
student:
-Premature - one year prior to a wedding, overdue - through three goda
posle than death of the husband, wrong - when instead of the wife the neigbour gives birth.