Jokes about mother in law and son

Read funny Jokes about mother in law

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The man comes back from a funeral tyoshchi.
vdrug the thunder-storm bursts, in the sky lightnings sparkle, deafeningly rattles grom.
muzhik raises eyes to nebu:
- And, Claudia Ivanovna, you already arrived...

*****

The man at the station in Moscow buys bilet:
-Give me the ticket, to Vladivostok, the car of reserved seats, the upper lateral berth near tualeta.
kassir (in perplexity, but after all decides to ask):
- What for? of
muzhik, ominously ulybayas:
- The Mother-in-law home I send.

*****

The man advertizes in the newspaper: "At the mother-in-law the favourite kitty was gone, found an award-10000 of dollars" the Editor asks: "But whether you went too far in an award". "No, all the same I drowned this cattle yesterday".

*****

The man does a hole for a curtain. Puncher. Noise, roar, dust...
B the room comes the mother-in-law and asks:
-That, the sonny, a curtain hang up?
muzhik povorachivayetsya:
-Well, abuse you shout, old?! The child sleeps!

*****

The man and the daughter go from a crematorium, the daughter holds a ballot box with the mother-in-law ashes v
rukakh.
- The Father, I will put a ballot box on a grand piano when I play, it will be priyatno.
-a fig, we will fill up in hourglasses, let still will work, the stinker!

*****

The man goes by the bus. Sees, other passenger stares at it. That asks:
-Something not so?
- Here if not moustaches, you would be as like as two peas similar to my mother-in-law! But I have no
-usov.
-But at it is!

*****

The man drives the car with the mother-in-law. Suddenly stops it gaishnik.
gaishnik: - Show yours dokumenty.
muzhik pokazyvayet.
gaishnik: - It seems to me you drank. Breathe in trubochku.
muzhik breathes. In total normalno.
gaishnik: - And you have a strakhovochka?
muzhik shows polis.
gaishnik: - And first-aid kit as it should be?
muzhik gets the first-aid kit and shows soderzhimoye.
gaishnik sighs and there is nothing to do - it is necessary otpuskat.
tut the mother-in-law leans out of a window and is mischievous says:
-Well che the cop, was trashed?
gaishnik is joyful: - And it already an insult at ispolnenii.
muzhik: - Here its reference from psychiatric hospital.

*****

The man sunbathes with the son on a beach, and the mother-in-law bathes. Suddenly it begins tonut.
-Look, the father! - the son shouts. - The grandmother waves a hand!
- That you sit, the sonny?! Wave also you with it at parting.

*****

The man calls the mother-in-law: - Take away the daughter to yourself. We lived with it only month, and I cannot any more!!!
TESHCHA: - Excuse zyatek, after 14 days the producer does not accept returns!

*****

The man looks for a saw in a closet. Without having found, he asks zhenu:
-You do not know, where our old saw?
IZ of kitchen is distributed a voice teshchi:
-If I and drank, yet such old!

*****

The man sends the mother-in-law home and speaks taksistu:
-Bring her rather to the station. that it was not late for the train!!
- do not worry, I will take as the!

*****

The man on a beach comes on saving stantsiyu.
-Children, matches will not be?
- Here lighter! And to light will not be?
- Yes please, as is wished!
- Well, thanks!
- Yes have nothing! Well as here at you affairs how life, mood? With
-Yes so-so, we work pomalenku.
-Summer painfully roast now, to breathe there is nothing! Do not tell
-! Poobgoreli everything, on a horse-radish! And in general year now the heavy!
- Yes, around nightmare one! Price
-A, their mother! Da- And
-!....
.....
- Well, all right, children, went I. Yes, that came? A- And, the mother-in-law of wons it seems sinks!

*****

The man buys the ticket on railway train station:
-you to Uryupinsk have a ticket? The lateral, top shelf the toilet has
-Est.
-A?
- Is!?
-A before me Gipsy tickets bought a camp, with them in the car it is possible? It
is possible, only there also demobilization edut.
-Davayte, most that!
kupil, home comes, the wife from kitchen runs out and asks:
-darling, you bought the ticket to mother? You will not believe
-, the last snatched!

*****

The man in the morning asks for leave at the foreman with raboty:
-Release for today, the mother-in-law should be buried!
- Well, all right, shuruy! Lunch
posle the man appears on rabote.
-again You that it were secured and who will bury the mother-in-law?
- Yes, already coped!
-???
-A what to stand on ceremony! I on a belt to the earth vryl yes covered it with a varnish!!!

*****

The man on the mother-in-law funeral bitterly sobs and beats himself on the head. People start exchanging glances, some of attendees twist fingers at a temple and significantly wink. At last someone not vydepzhivayet
i it is sympathizing so govopit:
-Well... you that... that to be killed?
- Yes is that, - the man answers. - On Wednesday the insurer came it on 50000 to insure, and I told him that this с#ка forty will not die as early as years!

*****

The man comes to the woman who lives with mother. Having retired to the room, they start making love. At midpoint she asks it: "You love me?" It: "Yes!" The door is slightly opened here and future mother-in-law asks: "And me?" Answer: "You, mother, later".

*****

The man comes to the prosecutor and asks:
-How many to me will give for murder?
-A of whom killed?
- So far anybody. The mother-in-law I want ubit.
-mine to a heap you will take - YEAR CONDITIONALLY.

*****

The man came from work, sits, TV watches. The mother-in-law with a sweeper comes into the room. ON
U it and asks:
-Mothers, you were going to sweep or fly somewhere?

*****

The man wakes up with a hangover. Teshcha:
-wash So far, I am a breakfast prigotovlyu.
muzhik:
-Well and I got drunk yesterday.
teshcha:
-All right with whom not byvayet.
muzhik:
-still the spent on drink the Gun, blin.
teshcha:
-to yourself prepare to guzzle, the drunk unfortunate!

*****

The man in the morning morning after, wakes up and oret:
-Here a bough the mother-in-law!
- (the wife from kitchen) Darling, what made such to you, my mother?
- B%ya as it managed so the only daughter to call that I s
utra also cannot remember!

*****

The man in church faces an icon and asks Boga:
-My God, well why I so am not lucky? All live, people as people, and at me! Wife
- The whore, the mother-in-law - the stinker, money - the horse-radish is not present, sores - what only in general v
prirode is. My God, well explain, for what? Here heavens, Bo
gvyglyadyvayet from above yawn, the Man makes a helpless gesture and speaks:
-, well I do not like you!

*****

The man went on the wood and crushed ants, comes to church to the father and tells,
chto a pier, a sin on me big, I want to confess...
- Well and what such sin?
- Yes here went I on the wood of ants crushed, it is a pity for them very much... So I teper
kolokolchik on a foot hung up supposedly will ring ants and will run up...
- Yes you sacred! But it, the father, not all, I have
- the wife and I with it, well it... I sleep kazhduyu
noch...
- Yes you indeed the sacred! It at all and not a sin, even is written to Bibles:" lyubi
zhenu the "
- But it, the father of not all, my wife has a sister, so somehow she v
vannoy washed clothes, and I did not keep and banged her...
- Yes... is a great sin!
- But there is more to come, somehow the mother-in-law hung up linen, bent down, and I also banged her...
- Is very great sin! Whether I do not even know I to you can release it...
- But there is more to come, somehow the father-in-law bent down, well I it and... Whether Well know
-, you should hang up a hand bell on other place!

*****

The man trades in apples and krichit:
-Apples, apples, tasty apples, Chernobyl apples. Another approaches i
speaks:
-You that shout? Anybody to take not budet.
-Why? Take! Who will treat the wife, who the mother-in-law. Already sold two bags...

*****

- Guys who bury?
- Teschu.
- And that normally do not carry the coffin?
- And you turn - she would snore.

*****

The man unloads two color TVs from mashiny.
-Why to you two TVs?
-A the mother-in-law told that half-lives will give for the color TV.

*****

The man with a yellow tired face asks in shop elektrotovarov:
-to me the gift with value for teshchi.
-is necessary I Can to offer the electric iron, the mixer, an electric samovar, a set...
- Is not present, no! It everything not that, - is killed by the buyer. - And you have no incidentally electric chair?

*****

The man on pokhorna it is indicative it is cried over a grave teshchi:
-Oh, mother as we will always love you as to all of us it is heavy on whom you left us though for a minute ago would return...
proletayushchaya by a raven with shout spoils to it a jacket. The man with surprise looks on Spot:
-As, mother, you already here?!...

*****

The man comes home and from a threshold calls tyoshchu:
-Pour to me, mother, vodka 50 grammov.
-You that, okhrenet absolutely?! I for it 500 rubles will give
-A!
TYOSHCHA agreed and poured vodki.
- And pour to me, mother, 50 more...
- You go beyond all limits!
- Here one thousand more...
TYOSHCHA took money and poured vodki.
- And give, mother, we will drink together. I one thousand more ladies!
TYOSHCHA agreed and drank vodki.
- And give, I in an eye will give you!
- You that, absolutely became stupid?!! Yes I to you!.
-A I for it three thousand ladies!
TYOSHCHA agreed, and the man-ak hit with all the heart. The mother-in-law - with kopyt.
tut is distributed a call, the man takes the call, and there Wife:
-Darling, you gave to mother pension?
-B process, expensive, in process...

*****

The man came to insurance agentu:
-I Want to insure the mother-in-law from navodneniya.
-I advised you, the young man also from pozhara.
-What for?
-A suddenly at you from the first will not turn out!

*****

- Muhammad, your mother-in-law fell in kolodets.
-Not very well, all of us equally from him do not drink.

*****

- This year we are on the same ticket, the whole family had a rest!
- It can not be!
- We just bought a ticket and sent her to a sanatorium mother in law.

*****

On a market the grandma sells apples, in them the plate - "Chernobyl" .
kakoy the clever person passing by zamechayet:
-Hear, the grandma, so probably anybody and does not buy your apples. Why ty
etu put the plate?
- As it do not take? Also as take! Who for the wife, who for the mother-in-law...

*****

At the station the son-in-law sees off the mother-in-law. The mother-in-law - to the son-in-law. - Tell darling how many remained do
moyego trains? The son-in-law looking for hours, - one hour twenty minutes fifty dve
sekundy.

*****

Na of the station area meet dvoye:
-Ty where was? The
Mother-in-law to the village provozhal.
-A why the person in soot?
Na pleasures kissed the engine.

*****

On birthday of the son-in-law the mother-in-law gives it two ties. That ublazhit
"darling" the mother-in-law he right there puts on one of them. The mother-in-law with deep offense v
golose:
-It than another was not pleasant to you?!

*****

The other day in shop the seller showed operation of the knitting machine. I tried to adjust loop length under way. From the device with whistle two spokes took off and slightly me did not kill. Bought the mother-in-law for March 8. 17 thousand rubles, but for some reason do not grudge for me for this money at all.

*****

In kitchen the mother-in-law cooks pelmeni. The little kitten approaches it and asks from it myaso:
-Meow, meow!
TESHCHA pushes away it nogoy:
-Leave alone!
kotenok again approaches and again asks myaso
-Leave! - pushing away a foot, shouts teshcha.
kot again for the. The mother-in-law, having become angry, the son-in-law flings away it nogoy.
zakhodit on kitchen. Teshcha:
-Sit down, the beloved son-in-law, I to you pelmeshka cooked!
ZYAT sits down to a table, the mother-in-law imposes to it pelmeni. The kitten approaches the son-in-law and a pad asks pelmen:
-Meow, meow!
ZYAT:
-On, my good, eat pelmeshka!
kotenok joyfully eats a dumpling and dead you fall on pol.
zyat teshche:
-Ah...!!! Took in head to poison me?!!!
I as will give to the mother-in-law that that flew away in ugol.
-Yes!!! - slightly opening an eye, the kitten thought.

*****

On the mother-in-law funeral the son-in-law speaks. let the earth to you awake with down and so 10 raz.nut his friend approaches and the friend says yes you that tyzh hated it. And the son-in-law speaks it had an allergy to down.

*****

On reception of y psikhiatra.
- The Doctor, I have every night the same dreadful dream: my mother-in-law with a crocodile on a lead. You only imagine these oskalenny teeth, these blinked eyes and the look burning with hatred, this cold hilly skin!!!
- Yes, is valid, very terrible... Yes you wait a moment
-, I about a crocodile did not tell you!...