Jokes about mother in law and son

Read funny Jokes about mother in law

<** Previous Topic          Next Topic **>

586  587  588  589  590  591  592  593  594  595  596  597

Arrived on a visit to newlyweds teshcha.
sidyat all at a table, uzhinayut.
had the mother-in-law hang chasy.
teshcha ate and went to wash ruki.
tolko she left - fall chasy.
husband revolted golosom:
-Here all life they lag behind!

*****

There arrived the mother-in-law on a visit. Lives week - the son-in-law in every possible way pleases, the thin word ne
skazhet. The second passes - the son-in-law even a look will not offend. Passes still. Sil Bolshe
ne at the mother-in-law. And the son-in-law - one politeness. In the morning somehow the son-in-law comes to kitchen and vidit
teshcha pisat in a borsch. "Well with you, mother and as it you so, poydite
prilyagte..." And mother-in-law in reply: "I will leave from you - angry you!"

*****

The son-in-law late and drunk comes home, opens a door and the mother-in-law sees sits on a chair, and at her feet the Dobermann terrier lies. The mother-in-law slowly raised a finger and sharply shouted "the SON-IN-LAW!"

*****

Comes the man home means and the Mother-in-law speaks teshche:
-, drive behind beer...
- Here still, that I, you, behind beer? Yes never...
- Magaz is close, only on the first floor to go down from the third. I to you dayu
tyshchu, beer you will buy, your delivery!
TESHCHYA thought, well money not superfluous will be, well and went. The son-in-law drank beer, again to teshche:
- The Mother-in-law, drive behind vodka...
- Here still, that I, you, behind vodka? Yes never...
- Magaz is close, only on the first floor to go down from the third. I give you one thousand, vodka will buy, your delivery!
NU the mother-in-law again thinks, money not superfluous and descended... Still vodka without having drunk up
muzhik calls the mother-in-law and speaks:
-Give I to you tapochkom on a forehead I will burst!
TESHCHA again indignantly starts che shouting, but its exclamations calm down when the son-in-law offers 2 thousand...
NU means, burst, the mother-in-law escaped on kitchen to count money, and is suddenly ringing... A tube a beret, a there the wife sprashivaet:
-You pension gave
muzhik to mother?
muzhik otvechaet:
-Yes here, I give slowly.

*****

The son-in-law to the mother-in-law comes and speaks: "Mother-in-law! The plate is not necessary to you? "
TESHCHA: "What electric? "
ZYAT: "Is not present concrete"

*****

The son-in-law to the mother-in-law comes. It it it is joyful vstrechayet:
-Hi, zyatek the road, pass, sit down, I will treat you, than god poslal.
-Well and than it sent you?

*****

The militiaman early in the morning home, all in lipstick, a tie on one side, a fly of a rasstegnut comes. The wife asks:
-You where were? You will not believe
MENT:
-, all night long in an ambush prosidel.
i here because of a door leans out teshcha:
-Well and how? Set?

*****

The husband home comes to a boob drunk, builds the wife with the mother-in-law and krichit:
-now I in the house the owner when I want, then drink! Wife: - yes well? The mother-in-law - yes well? husband -now I in the house the owner when I want, then come! The wife - yes well? The mother-in-law - yes well?
husband - now I in the house the owner with whom I want, with that sleep, I want with the wife, I want with the mother-in-law!
Wife - yes well? The mother-in-law - yes, now it in the house the owner!

*****

The man home comes, and the mother-in-law sits on a pan and, excuse, craps in a borsch. It ey
speaks: "Mother, what you do? We will eat it?" She gets up, approaches k
oknu, looks an absent look there and in a minute says: "I will leave ot
vas... angry you"

*****

The Man (M) to the Veterinarian comes (In)...
privodit sheep-dog...
B: - With what welcomed?
M: - The doctor cut off to a dog a tail...
B: - But to sheep-dogs of tails do not cut off?!
M: - Cut I After all the owner!
bedny the Veterinarian cuts off a tail to a dog, bandages it,
I with anxiety asks the owner sobaki:
- And nevertheless WHAT FOR?
M: -... Tomorrow there comes the MOTHER-IN-LAW...
I that any manifestations of pleasure in my house...

*****

The man (M) with a sheep-dog to the veterinarian comes (In): (M) - Chop off it a tail. (C) - No
etoy to breed do not chop off hvosty.
-Chop off!
- But...
-Rubite.
-A what for? of
- The mother-in-law comes Tomorrow, so THAT ANY MANIFESTATIONS of PLEASURE!

*****

The man comes to funeral bureau and asks, what at them groby
est. Show it all such chromeplated zinc coffin, tsena
-$500...
- It, expensively. And still what is?
pokazyvayut wooden, upholstered with a red velvet, the price - $200...
-A cheaper than that is not present?
pokazyvayut cardboard, the price - $50...
- Too is expensive... So you whom are going to bury
-?
- Yes mother-in-law... To
-A-a-a, well then bring the mother-in-law, we for dollar to it ruchki
pribyem...

*****

The slogger comes to work after holiday and hvalitsya:
-has Perfectly a rest!
- Probably, went to the sea? - ask sosluzhivtsy-
zagorel.
-Is not present, the wife and the mother-in-law went to the sea, and I had a rest at home.

*****

The old woman to the son-in-law comes. In the doorway of it the Grandmother who brought you meets vnuk.
-?
- Anybody, I prishla.
- And the father saw you in a window and speaks: "Again bears the mother-in-law of lines!".

*****

Two men on a visit to the companion come to think for three, but anybody is not present doma.
sosedi explain supposedly the mother-in-law died - and now all on a funeral. Those na
kladbishche also see a picture - the son-in-law at the mother-in-law coffin, dropped to it: breasts, kissed v
obe cheeks, nestled on a forehead and long - long does not come off. at, at people around na
glaza tears - it is necessary as the person will grieve. Procedure zakanchivayetsya
-two approach the man and ask with nedoumeniyem:
-Listen, what the pier happened? You with it all life as a cat with a dog, and here takaya
lyubov suddenly prosnulas.
-Yes understand, rebyata, - grit zyatek. As it, appears, presented, well, ya
vse three days and made sour on pleasures. Today on a funeral, the wife pokhmelitsya does not give,
VO to a mouth such protoxides-peroxides, and the head simply collapses. at, I look - the mother-in-law,
provozhat is necessary, I dropped to her - and she such holo - about - odnenkaya!

*****

Friends razgovarivayut:
-my mother-in-law went to an exhibition zmey.
-yesterday And what?
- Returned with a medal.

*****

- How carried out tests of the bridge far back in the past?
- Drove all mothers-in-law on the bridge. If sustains, the bridge good if is not present - fine.

*****

The favourite dog of the mother-in-law was gone. Black, angry, barks for three, bites and vse
zapominayet. Who knows location - the request not to call.

*****

The mother-in-law was gone. Went for beer and did not return. Found a request to return beer.

*****

The kid woke up in the morning and cries. Mama:
-You that cry?
- Yes the mother-in-law prisni - and - and - la - A-A-A-A - s!!!

*****

The passerby, having seen a funeral procession, it is attached to the man bearing a coffin, a hat and asks:
-Whom we bury
snimayet? Why a coffin sideways bear
-Teshchu.
-A? When on a back we overturn
-A - starts snoring.

*****

The drunk husband comes home. The wife makes it scandal. Suddenly he zayavlyaet:
-I to the mother-in-law lyagu.
-went Absolutely crazy Today! Shameless ugly face! - Tsyts shouts Wife.
-! - Suddenly the daughter's mother-in-law, - the husband's word tells the law - who in the house the owner?

*****

Talk dvoye:
-I in the wood of 3 buckets of mushrooms collected yesterday for tyoshchi.
- And suddenly they poisonous?
- That means "suddenly"?

*****

Two talk muzhika:
-I Love at dacha, hours per twelve early in the morning, to leave. There are on a porch, and around only bent backs. You take a hose, hryas on a back to the mother-in-law: "Marya Zakharovna, you forgot a hose on a porch! "
- Well it, it seems, in shout at once?
- Not. Rada-radyoshenka, last time it forgot a shovel...

*****

Two friends talk, to one another speaks. I stay at home, it is ringing, otkryvayu
dver - there the mother-in-law costs, on a visit came. I ey:
-Mother! Whether for a long time to us?
- While not nadoyem.
-So? And to tea will not even drink?

*****

Two talk priyatelya.
- At you the mother-in-law where?
- Where has to be. In Minske.
-A-a-a. Good refrigerator. Big.

*****

Conversation in kitchen in the evening after raboty:
-went on apartments predstaviteli
doma aged This afternoon and asked to help, who than mozhet.
Wife: - You gave something to them?
husband : - Yes, your mother....

*****

- I told my wife your anecdote. So she had a week with mnoy
ne talking. What to do?
- his mother-Tell.

*****

- To tell a new joke from life about the mother-in-law?
- Well, rasskazhi.
-Arrived to me the mother-in-law, drank a tea and promised not priyezzhat.
-Everything any more?
-VSE.
-A in what here salt?
-A salt in sugar.

*****

One man drugomu:
-tells And my mother-in-law swallowed 50 kopeks yesterday... A trifle, and it is pleasant.

*****

Advertizing insurance kompanii
-That such mixed feeling?
- It when your mother-in-law falls from break on yours mashine.
- And what such double pleasure?
- It when both the mother-in-law and the car are insured.

*****

The mother-in-law decided to check the zatyev regarding loyalty to it. Goes starshiy
zyat on the river bank, the mother-in-law looks sinks and heart-rendingly shouts: "Help, help... "
U took and foolishly rescued. and morning wakes up, looks in a window, the note to "The beloved son-in-law from the mother-in-law loving it" sees "shah" with nulya
stoit and on a windshield. Sredniy
zyat goes on the river bank, lo and behold the mother-in-law sinks. Thinks I will rescue it, perhaps tozhe
mashina will break off. Saviour. Since morning under its window there is "Java", in it zapiska:
"to the Beloved son-in-law from the mother-in-law loving it". The Mdadshy son-in-law walks on the river bank,
A the mother-in-law again sinks and cries out about the help. The son-in-law thinks: "to the senior - the car, to an average -
mototsikl, and me that the bicycle perhaps, and because of it to become wet and do not find fault sinks!" .
utrom mladshenkiya looks out on the street and sees - "Mercedes" 600 and on nem
zapiska: "To the most beloved son-in-law from the father-in-law loving him!".

*****

The gun which hung at companion Petrov on a wall of 10 years,
yesterday shot. Fortunately, nobody postradal.
teshcha got off with three blows of a butt in a back.

*****

- My most blue dream, - the robber, - vzyat
kakoy-nibud explains to the workmate bank and to leave there fingerprints of my mother-in-law.

*****

- The most important, - the highly experienced family man, - never perechit
teshche.
-advises the friend And how to make it?
- Is not present anything more simply. It is necessary to show patience. Give it the chance to speak so much, she wants

*****

The best in life - the mother-in-law! Here posudite.
vstayesh in the morning, without having slept, one work faster. You go by the bus, an electric train - around spiteful ghouls, the zombie. In total will rumple, feet will crush, the reek of alcohol will make the air, will have a sleep on tebe; here something rests against a hip, in the head: "Though it would be phone or an umbrella …". You come for work, the administration puts at once a cancer and without vaseline … 12 hours run, the ass in soap, a spine is not bent, feet hoot, in 5 minutes until the end of change sat down to take rest, and you: "Chyo, work is not present?! Penalty 1000r!". You go home, the next opposition, only already with poddaty students, bums and pensioners who were "tired" on a kitchen garden. You come crawling home, after a shower you prepare for yourself to devour (because the wife, poor, was tired for all day of sitting at a forum: eyes hurt and fingers ache from the keyboard). Sat down to have supper before a computer that at the same time to check mail, the wife with cries right there (as though watches) rushes: "Again on the Internet? Go with children sit, I want to have a rest". Without having devoured up to the end, there are to spinogryza, they: draw the Pokemon, stick together a bakugan, make "самолётик" … At last, children are put to bed. Wife, hopefully: "Darling, you want sex? Here only I will add the comment, wait five minutes". Further for these five-minute two hours you listen: "Well I should answer", "Well do not fall asleep", "Still a couple of minutes". At last, at a forum there are no new subjects, letters, comments. Long-awaited pleasure …, unfortunately, not for me. For half an hour you receive orders: "more slowly", "it is not so deep", "more feasibly". After satisfaction of the wife sex gains character of "an onanism without hands" - terminated, and that thank God … Then all night long you wake up from nightmares of the endured day, and then all over again. Days off came. Slept? Yes h*y to you! 7:00 - "You absolutely okhrenet perhaps to sleep still? Get up to feed children. Let's me have a sleep". Also all morning is farther, being covered with the crown phrase "I in a week was tired, it is possible I though during week-end I will have a rest" (I, probably, on Hawaii was bulged all week), work with children, take a walk with a dog, to consider a cat's toilet, take out garbage … But there comes on a visit the mother-in-law as long I waited for her. Children, having received from it gifts, run up at once on the rooms. Animals cease to want to eat, walk at once, in a toilet, they are slaughtered on corners and silently there simply exist. Houses at once the garbage vanishes. The wife right there feels inflow of forces and, throwing a forum, the series and pizdezh by phone, jumps up to wash the dishes, to prepare a zhrachka, to clean a plate. And the mother-in-law is filled in with the melodious monotonous hysterics, lecture about life under which you forget about all the problems, about work, and sitting on a sofa with a wide pleased smile, relax and derive pleasure maximum, days off, at last, began. After all the mother-in-law - the best being!

*****

Sverkhlazha: to throw out a toothbrush which half a year brushed teeth, and to hear from the mother-in-law * and anybody did not see my brush? *

*****

Report of incidents. In Semenov' apartment the gun, anybody ne
postradal, the mother-in-law otdelalas
tremya in blows of a butt in a back shot.

*****

The family of Siberians is going to have supper. The husband comes from a drawing room and speaks:
-Lyusya with what it is stat your mother went to Canada and why you ob
etom told nothing to me? You it took
-C of that?!
- Just in the Time program reported: in Canada it is found sibirskaya
yazva!