Jokes about mother in law and son

Read funny Jokes about mother in law

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On radio rings the program for demands of listeners muzhik:
-I am in business trip. I want to say hello to the wife, the mother-in-law, the father-in-law, three kids, and I ask to put for them Valery Kipelov's song "I am free!"

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At a wedding she swore that only the death can separate them, but it appeared that the mother-in-law too is capable of something.

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At competitions in hammer throw one of athletes speaks drugomu:
-to me it is necessary to try Today, on a tribune sits teshcha.
-do not try, all the same you will not throw.

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The man with terrible pokhmelya.
- The Doctor comes to station of blood transfusion in the morning, how many it is necessary to hand over blood to get osvobozhdeniye
ot a job for one day?
-Three hundred grammov.
- And for a week? So much blood for once you will not be able to hand over
-!
- I will be able, the doctor, I will be able! I killed the mother-in-law.

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On steps of church where the wedding ceremony just about will begin, mother nevesty
podkhodit to the groom, embraces him and speaks:
-From now on you have in me not only the mother-in-law, but also the friend... A minute later to zhenikhu
podkhodit the bride's father also whispers to him on ukho:
-With such "friend" and enemies it is not necessary!

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On the street of T. two acquaintances meet. At one in hands televizor.
-You where bear the TV?
- On svalku.
-What for?
- the Mother-in-law told that if I will throw out the TV, it will impose hands on herself.

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- What it is necessary to do when the mother-in-law was attacked by a tiger?
- Itself attacked, itself let and is protected.

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The quarrelsome mother-in-law bothered the man, he took a white sheet, made a section, razdvinul
stol, and covered it with a sheet. Then climbed under a table, put the head in a cut, a
vokrug poured necks of chicken blood, language threw out and waits. The mother-in-law enters. Sees,
otrezannaya the son-in-law head on a table lies and let's lament. The man opens eyes i
speaks: "Gav!". The mother-in-law has a rupture of heart. The man in militia objyasnyaet:
-It all life barked at me, and I at it only once.

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Called the mother-in-law "silly woman" - the wife became silent for a week. Once again called the silly woman - became silent for a week. Here it, MUTE button!!!

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National primeta.
If came in the first o'clock in the morning home drunk with the mistress, and the wife and the mother-in-law pretend that occurred nothing - means, the food is poisoned, the axe is ground: it is impossible to sleep, and that will be cut!

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The real man has to make in life three main veshchi:
1. To grow up puzo
2. To put pechen
3. To construct the mother-in-law

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Our neighbor decided to make a metal fence. At first took the favourite ten-meter roulette made of cloth and measured site length. Exactly three times kept within. Increased three by ten and received thirty meters. Decided to make one- And-a-half-meter sections. Divided thirty into one and a half - 20 sections turned out. Ordered, brought. Started establishing - 2 sections superfluous! Again measured - 30. Measured each section - one and a half meters. The man - as that teacher of geography who did not find on the map of the Bering Strait - did not go slightly crazy. Ceased to eat and sleep, Stopped neighbors and suggested to increase at first 3 on 10, then 30 to divide into one and a half. Drove all to look at excess sections and laughed strange laughter. Eventually it became clear that his mother-in-law spilled paint on a roulette between the sixth and seventh meter and not to upset the beloved son-in-law, accurately cut out one meter and sewed a roulette! The man promised to make a sepulchral fencing by it of the remained two sections.

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Our mother-in-law skillfully owns methods of drawing preliminary threats for strengthening of the main blow. For example, at first: "Here, I will leave you...", then pause and: "Will not wait!".

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A certain John beat the wife and the mother-in-law. The court took place, and to it awarded a penalty in 1020
dollarov.
-I do not understand, - declared condemned, - that for the strange sum?
- Thousand is a penalty, - the judge explained to him, - twenty dollars are a tax na
razvlecheniye. Such tax is provided by the legislation of our staff.

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A certain person beat the wife and the mother-in-law. The court took place, and to it prisudili
shtraf in 1020 dollarov.
-I do not understand, - the respondent, - that for the strange sum told?
- Thousand is a penalty, and twenty dollars - a tax on entertainments, kak
pri visit of cinema.

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The new version of one of ancient parables if remember, was such about tsarya
solomona and two women who could not divide rebenka.
prishli to Solomon (C) two elderly women (1 and 2).
1 - Your son promised to marry my daughter!
2 - No, your son promised to marry my daughter!
1 - It already took a dowry mine to the daughter!
2 - It took a dowry and from mine!
1 - It made the child mine daughters!
2 - It made the child and mine!
OBE - Judge us, Solomon, whose daughter has to marry your son? - I See
C, both of you are right, both of your daughters have the equal rights for marriage with my son, but he cannot marry at once both. So it is necessary to split it in half and to give yours docheryam.
1 - Yes, it fairly, let will be tak.
2 - No, it is impossible to cut it, let, better, it will get it docheri.
s - Everything, is solved, the son, you has to marry the daughter 1.
syn - the Father, why? She wanted to kill me and in a case with the baby you judged differently!
C - the Son, you have to marry the daughter 1 because only the REAL TEShchA
MOZhET to DEMAND DEATH of the SON-IN-LAW!

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The new Russian decided to get rid of the mother-in-law. Employed two killers that for certain, gave them a photo of the mother-in-law and keys from the house, and itself was late at work. Comes home, comes into the apartment and sees that all corridor in blood in brains, and at a door lies the cut to pieces killer's corpse. New Russian shocked passes in a bedroom - there too all in blood, the spoiled corpse of the second killer rolls. Here the new Russian hears sounds from kitchen, comes there, and the mother-in-law sits there, hid the face in hands and sobs in all golos:
-Animals! My God, what you after all animals!

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- Well as analyses of my mother-in-law, doctor? Know
-, in my opinion, it is necessary to add a little potassium to its organism...
- Doctor, cyanic?.

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- Well, zyatyok, with a holiday you!
-C what it still holiday, mother?
- Yes here, I should leave urgently.

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- About! And we cut already wedding cake!!
- As cut?!! The mother-in-law had to jump out of it!!!

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Objyavleniye.
prodam cheap absolutely new bayan. The mother-in-law was on the mend.

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The announcement on a column: "A week ago around Gorky Park the woman of 67 years, my mother-in-law was lost. I receive congratulations on ph.
33-22-33! Found - I will kill нах#й!"

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drugomu:
-I have one mafioso dream. To rob bank and to leave thus otpechatki
paltsev my mother-in-law...

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One man speaks drugomu:
-I hate the mother-in-law! Its
TOT uspokaivayet:
-Come on, is not necessary so. Present - if not it, at you would not be zheny.
-For it I hate it even more!

*****

One man sunbathed with the son on a beach, and the mother-in-law bathed. Suddenly it became tonut.
-Look, the father! - the sonny cried. - The grandmother waves a hand!
- That you sit, the sonny?! - the man told. - Wave also with it at parting.

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One friend - drugomu:
-I decided to marry on yaponke.
-Why? To
-Well, Japanese - the tender, loving, faithful wives, also you present,
moya the mother-in-law will live in Tokyo!

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One friend calls another with joyful soobshcheniyem:
- At me there left the mother-in-law!
- Who who left? - Does not understand tot.
-I Speak on letters: tiger, echidna, pike, shark!

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One conjurer showed all the time number during which it sawed svoyu
zhenu in two. Somehow she got sick and asked the mother it to replace. Ta
soglasilas. The conjurer steps on the stage and, addressing to public, says:
-Today, ladies and gentlemen, not the wife, but the mother-in-law will be my partner. I ask poverit
moyey sincerity that this time there will be no stunting!

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One professor of the right sprosili:
-That such bigamy and how it is punished?
- Bigamy, - were answered by the scientist, is a presence of two wives which is punished nalichiyem
dvukh mothers-in-law...

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One lady on the street was bitten by a dog. The embarrassed owner objyasnyaet:
-Usually my boxer is very lovely, but you have, probably, same spirits, as u
moyey mothers-in-law.

*****

OMON fighters face furious crowd of protesters, sticks on shchitam
stuchat. One OMON fighter drugomu:
-you see the aunt in a colorful dress? This is my mother-in-law - do not touch her! Ona
moya!

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The skilled mother-in-law of medicine, bought for her by the son-in-law, at first tries on animals.

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- Pas! And the grandmother can drink juice liter?
-Mozhet
-of Pa! And two liters of juice?
-Mozhet
-of Pa! And hundred liters of juice?
- Yes though two hundred! Remember, dotsya when the mother-in-law lives on money of the son-in-law, she gu

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- Fathers and that it is the grandmother on a kitchen garden zigzags runs and waves hands?
-to Whom grandmother, and to whom and mother-in-law... Give still cartridges, the sonny!

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- Fathers, and after all the witch does not exist?
OTETS, having looked on teshchu:
-I when was small, too so thought.

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- Fathers and how the snake hisses? To
OTETS - tyoshche:
-Zinaida Petrovna, tell something, the son to do homework should be helped.

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- The father and what is the grandmother so runs strange - zigzags?
-to Whom the grandmother and to whom - the mother-in-law, well give still a couple of cartridges!

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- Father! And why the grandmother on a kitchen garden runs zigzags?
-to Whom grandmother, and to whom and mother-in-law. Give, the sonny, the second holder!

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- The father, and who and when for the first time started singing?
- the Cave person when his mother-in-law was trampled by a mammoth!