Anecdotes about the army

Read funny Anecdotes about the army

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Praporshchik:
-I am a person not shy, but when near the ugly face: the flame, sparks, a smoke, me after all is terrible therefore I do not smoke.

*****

The ensign on ekzamene:
-Step tension is the tension arising between feet at approach by the bared end.

*****

The chairman of the draft commission doprizyvniku:
-Where you wish to serve?
-you that, joke? Really I can choose?
-Of course. Everywhere except as in female rotu.
-I and knew that a question with a dirty trick...

*****

Chairman of the draft commission doprizyvniku:
-What is your name?
-Alexander Sergeyevich Pushkin.
-Something name painfully familiar...
-Of course, my father in a military registration and enlistment office works!

*****

The president sprashivayut:
-Why the Russian troops will not finish Chechnya one resolute approach? I Explain
-on a simple example. Imagine a big heap derma.
-Well, predstavili.
- And now present that you from all force punched it!

*****

Overcoming an educational obstacle course, the soldier fell. To nemu
podoshel the instructor on physical podgotovke:
-In what business, the private Higgins?
-Something with a foot, the sir. It seems, I broke ee.
- Then do not lie here in vain. Start being wrung out.

*****

Whether when checking service by the sentry the person on duty by part asked ego:
-you Have service cartridges?
-Yes, ser.
-Give me them... So, it everything? More at you remained nothing? To
-Only one boss, ser.
-Give it me .
-I cannot, the sir. It is necessary to me in case you will not return me the others.

*****

There arrives the young lieutenant to the duty station and the service sees on a check point of another leytenanta.
-Well, how here? - asks.
-Yes anything, - that answers, - that year, a new rank...
-So that you all in lieutenants go?
-So I here the colonel arrived!.

*****

The lieutenant who arrived to remote part asks the passer starleya:
-As service here?
-is excellent, every year new zvaniye.
-Yes well, and you how many here?
-Four goda.
- And only starly?
-So I here the colonel arrived.

*****

Comes to the General army with proverkoy.
postroil everything, and asks: Well sonnies, well feed you?
B answer, tishina.
general: I repeat a question, well you are fed?
B answer, tishina.
general: Well, leaves, horosho.
boyets: There is that well comrade. The general, enters badly!

*****

There comes to voyennyy part the major with check. Goes, looks, everywhere it is swept, painted, the grass is cut, in barracks ideal purity, to carp there is nothing. Finds dust in a far corner, runs a finger, Pokazyvayet
-well? What words occur?
ryadovoy Petrov:
-Svinya will find dirt everywhere, companion major.

*****

There comes the general to military honor with proverkoy.
khodil, looked, time by the evening, stemnelo.
on approaches the sentry, and that bangs the girl, but thus is not lost and shouts (raising the machine gun):
-Stop! Who goes?
VSYo the administration in horror, the khan..., and general:
-Good fellow, 20 days of holiday!
NU, all, naturally, ask the general - for what? On what that otvechayet:
-Look! The girlfriend ebyot, and the machine gun does not let go!

*****

There comes the general on doctrines and approaches a firing position of tankmen. On a meeting the sergeant and dokladyvayet
- "Companion general runs out. Firing position of the 3rd tank company. The commander of a company set the task: attack sector there and there. Everything that moves in this sector I strike with tank fire. The commander of the tank sergeant Ivanov" .
general - "The good fellow the sergeant", goes further and comes to a firing position of gunners. On a meeting the sergeant and dokladyvayet
- "Companion general runs out. Firing position of the 3rd artillery battery. The commander of the battery set the task: attack sector there and there. Everything that moves in this sector I strike with tool fire. The commander of the tool sergeant Petrov" .
general - "The good fellow the sergeant", goes further and comes to a firing position of infantry. On a meeting nobody vybezhal.
udivlenny the general himself started looking for somebody. Sees in an entrenchment the infantryman with the grenade launcher in hands sits and is gloomy molchit.
general - "The soldier, report a situation!"
soldat sits not shelokhnetsya.
general - "The soldier, you that do not see who to you came? What it is necessary to make?!"
soldat shelokhnetsya.
general - "The soldier, what task to you was set by the commander of a company"
soldat tishina.
general - "The sonny, well at least by the own words tell, what company told you?"
soldat - "Not proye. the grenade launcher uyeb.shche!"

*****

There comes the general to part, comes into barracks - on a bed in boots the demobilization and on the general - zero vnimaniya.
general lies: You who?
dembel (it is lazy and yawning): I d-e-e-mbel.
general: And I am a general!
dembel: Too not $уево...

*****

There comes the general () to part with check. He is met by the major (M) in the peak-cap with a peak tense so that a peak honor all person zakryvayet.
pikhodyat on a parade-ground. And on a parade-ground motes, everything is clean cleaned, simply beauty!
g:kto for a parade-ground responsible?
m:praporshchik Petrenko
g:molodets praporshchik.
idut dalshe
general comes into the dining room, sees: everything is polished simply to gloss, cleaned, purity and an order idealnyy.
g:mayor who is responsible for the dining room?
m:praporshchik Petrenko.
g:objyavlyayu to the ensign Petrenko gratitude!
general, feeling a summer heat, undoes the top button on mundire.
prikhodyat on an athletic field. All paths prosypana sand, everything is painted, accurately, chisto.
g:kto for an athletic field the responsible?
m:praporshchik Petrenko.
g:podat here!
poyavlyaetsya the ensign (P) .
g:molodets, companion ensign, purity and an order you love?
p:tak is exact, companion general!
G:NU well, I thank you personal officially!!
p:spasibo, companion general, and after all clasp a button!
G:ETO YOU to me, FIGHTING GENERAL??!!
mayor removes a peak-cap, it has a huge shiner on half of лица.
М:Товарищ the general, the ensign Petrenko on 2 times does not repeat!!

*****

There comes the young officer to holiday to the father to the village, only ate and at once to sleep, woke up - ate - to sleep and so some days, the Sonny excited otets:
-, can che happened? Everything is normal
-, the father, from introduction otdykhayu.
- And che such the introduction?
-Well, the father then and not objyasnit.
-So let's try tomorrow, and?
-Neey....... Well give
-, I though will look as you tam.
-Well, the father, you here that do tomorrow?
-B the wood it is necessary to go firewood to prepare if we are in time - to shower hay in a shed.

*****

There comes from Russia an American inspecting army, well him isprashivayut
-As at them there in Russia?
-Is such animals there - marines, they with 100-that meters thrust a knife in a throat .
est there still animals, paratroopers, a throat to any gnaw through, and a-headed wall proshibayut.
a still there are even mutants, soldiers of the future - the construction battalion is called, to them except a shovel in general give out nothing!

*****

There arrived the general to army with inspection. Bypassed vse
kazarmy - everything excellent, the order, beds on a string, floors are scrubbed. Goes examines a company on a parade-ground - the soldiers who are brought up, shaved, boots are polished to gloss. Suddenly sees at the end of a system the odd fellow costs thump, unshaven, boots in an accordion, a shirt navypusk. General emu:
-You who?
-Ya demobilization... And you?
-Ya general!
-too nikh%evo...

*****

There arrived the general to mountain part with check. All day hodil
proveryal. At the end of day speaks:
-All at you as it should be. One is bad: women are not present!
-So companion general, in a shed the donkey costs!
zashel the general in a shed. After a while leaves, zastegivayet
na to the course shirinku.
-it is good!
-Companion general... We generally on it to the aul to zhenshchinam
ezdim...

*****

There arrived the general to check military unit in Central Asia. Checked everything and decided to communicate to fighters. Approached in a smoking-room, treated fighters with cigarettes and speaks: "Well feeding at you quite good, life is adjusted everything it seems normally. And how here at you with women?" The fighter answers: "How to tell companion general, generally behind a distant hangar at us the female camel is attached." The general went for a hangar, found a female camel, tried to be attached behind, it is impossible. Returned to a smoking-room asks the fighter: "How you with it, it high?" Fighter: "And there at a fence boxes lie." The general returned, found boxes, substituted - just. Tr %% nulnut a female camel, returned and speaks: "So that like anything but as it is inconvenient. In total - an animal?" Fighter: "Really companion general? Very much even it is convenient! We on three persons for 20 kilometers to the aul on blyadka go by it."

*****

There arrived the young lieutenant to part. In the evening with other lieutenants went for dances, and there all maids ugly. Even to potentsevat there is nobody, not that night to carry out. Suddenly there is a new girl. Well so it anything. The young lieutenant at once to ney.
-It is useless, - other lieutenants warn him. - It has a father - ours polkovnik.
-Nonsense, - the beginner waves away and bjt himself in a breast. - I not only with it will dance, but also I will oversleep! We argue?
posporili. The lieutenant went to dance and warns the daughter polkovnika:
-Know, and I today with you peresplyu.
- The Impudent person, - am indignant the daughter, ukhldit home and tells the father about unworthy behavior novichka.
-do not worry, go to bed quietly, - the father calms her. Takes the gun and hides in shkaf.
bjet 12 hours. The young lieutenant with vzdody submachine gunners enters and gives komandu:
-So, two to a window, two to a case, two to dveri.
posle that does obeshchenny and ukhodit.
dochka, stretching on krovati:
-Ah, what man!
OTETS, getting out from shkafa:
-I do not know, what it there the man but as service, the rascal, organized.

*****

There arrived the new young officer to military unit and comes to the commander of part. And the commander emu:
-Well, give, perhaps, for acquaintance vypyem.
-Well, give. The commander pours a glass of vodka to himself and the newcomer and drinks off it, without having a snack. The newcomer too drinks a glass and has a snack a cucumber. The commander again pours on a glass and the drinks without snack, and the newcomer drinks slowly the glass and has again a snack a cucumber. The commander hatched on nego:
-I che did not understand, we drink here or we have dinner?

*****

There arrived to army recruits. They are conducted by a komvzvoda on the ground where jump with a parachute and speaks:
-Vidite over there the plane circles flies?
Te mouths открыли:
- Yes, yes.
- And, see, the group jumped out. Fly, fly, here developed parachutes at the height of 1000 meters, fly, fly, here, fell, ran. These are soldiers on half a year served also you such will be. And, look, the second group jumped out of the same plane. Fly, fly, developed parachutes at the height of 500 meters, fly, fly, fell, ran. These are our soldiers, they by a year served, and you such in a year budete.
te there are more mouths раскрыли:
- About - about - about - and- And! Watch
-A of wons the third group jumped out of the plane, fly, fly..., fly, fly..., fell ran! Saw?
-DA.
-Tak it is ours of a demobilization show off!

*****

There arrived Japanese to the standard Soviet city and are surprised: "At you so interesno
oformleny buildings - on walls huge circles". They are answered: "It therefore chto
arkhitektory on drawings of coffee is drunk")),

*****

Lands parashyutistka:
-Oh, so hit, slightly did not break a foot!
instruktor looked and speaks:
-Well - at, to break did not break, but bent capitally.

*****

Appeal. Recruit (P) and officer (O).
O.: Why you do not want to do military service?
P.: I gomoseksualist.
o.: Than dokzht?
P.: Take off trousers...

*****

Draft kommisiya. the military commissar asks:
- And you where want to serve?
-B General Staff!
-You che, imbitsit?! It is obligatory for
-A?.

*****

The recruit in voyenkomate:
- The Name?
-Whose?
-Surname?
-Whose?
-Chya-Chye, you are Mexican perhaps?

*****

The recruit from the village writes the letter home: "Mother if you know how in army it is good! It is possible to lie in already to six o'clock in the morning!"

*****

The recruit on medical board. On a question, what education at it, it it is proud otvechayet:
-I was trained in Bristol, Los Angeles, the Colombian and Harvard universities, I have a rank of the bachelor of economic sciences! The chairman of the draft commission waves rukoy:
-Well, all right, all right, will be enough already, went to bat here! Write down: the recruit is able to read and write!.

*****

The recruit comes to a military registration and enlistment office with the agenda on hands. Companion colonel, so a pier and so addresses k
voyenkomu:
-, I cannot in army idti.
-Why?
-Ya patsifist.
-Yes, well is necessary to us posoveshchatsya.
posle small meeting the colonel leaves an office and speaks:
-Well, the sonny, here we conferred and solved: though you and the gay, and v
armiyu it is necessary to go.

*****

The recruit passes medical komissiyu.
-Turn... Bend... Walk... Still bend... Are no good! ??$
-%k! You that, could not say directly me it!

*****

The recruit passes medical board. To it govoryat:
-Undress and bend down!
podkhodit the doctor, moves apart buttocks and asks:
-you smoke?
-A that, smells?

*****

The recruit with tolstenny lenses wearing spectacles on medical board in a military registration and enlistment office reads the table of check of sight. Does not see the lower line. The second too, the third and fourth too. Sees only the most top line and that having approached closely. In the conclusion of medical board it is written: "It is suitable for near fight".

*****

To the recruit set question :
-you well shoot? Cigarette
-is excellent, from the machine gun - is worse.

*****

- Estimate, my sister chikanutsya. It changed clothes muzhchinoy
and went to serve in armiyu.
- But after all to it it is necessary to go to a bath with men. Kto-nit
will surely hand over!
- Yes who will hand over?!?!?!?!

*****

Sign: if armies and polices and at the same time raised at once three times a salary, the power means began to be afraid of the people very much.

*****

The former military in one office comes to get a job. Well, it is asked there - that yes se. Where served, what is able, what can report about itself such?. Well, it and speaks:
-I Want to confess to you that once at me under feet the thunder flash exploded and to me tore off both eggs!!!
BOSS right there says that it is accepted and can come to work on Monday in ten utra.
-Know, - tells a sluzhak, - I do not want that in connection with my mutilation rendered me any eases. In the others how many come?
BOSS:
-All come to the 7th mornings and to 10 sit and scratch eggs, without knowing what to do!!!

*****

The veteran comes to a class, and began rasskazyvat.
-Ida somehow on the wood, suddenly x @@ to, Germans on the right, x @@ to, Germans at the left!
ofigevshaya uchitelnitsa:
-Same children...
-What on @@ y children, FASCISTS!!!