Jokes about drunks

Read funny Jokes about drunks

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There is a drunk man, clinging to a fence, and under a fence still: one rolls. The going drunk asks:
-You respect me? I am proud of
-Ya of you!!

*****

There is a wedding. Men well accepted, sit, miss... Here one is developed and with words: "Eh, it is necessary to begin once!" - with all the dope stops by to the neighbor in an ear.

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There is a competition alkashey.
ha a scene there is a Frenchman of Pol.
ha a scene take out its favourite keg of French vina.
pol the darling fuzherchik.
raz gets a fuzherchik, two fuzherchik, three fuzherchik...
slomalsya! French alkash.
ha a scene broke there is an American of Dzhon.
ha a scene take out its favourite keg American viski.
dzhon the pile, two pile, three pile gets the favourite stopochku.
raz...
slomalsya! Broke American alkash.
ha a scene there is Russian Vanya... Russian Vanya... Vanya?...
GDE Russian Vanya?!
{ Shout from the hall }: In buffet, krasnenky razgonyaetsya.
{ The pause while ran for Vanya }
Ha a scene leaves Russian of Vanya.
ha a scene take out its favourite keg of the Russian brazhki.
vanya the darling kovshichek
raz kovshichek, two kovshichek, three kovshichek gets...
slomalsya! Favourite Vanin kovshichek broke!
POKA repair kovshichek - Vanya goes to buffet will be caught up krasnenkim.
tak who the first in this competition?
YASNO, what the first will be the Russian Vanya, the second - the American,
NU and who will be the third?
... And whose is a hand with ruble? And, it is Vanya pulls a hand and speaks,
chto he will be the third...

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There is down the street to an insole a drunk seaman, in the peakless cap dressed by the back on pered.
idet means and all the time from eyes otmakhivat ribbons. All was worn out and speaks:
-Well when already these" @ canes would will end with $ие %?

*****

There are in the evening combatants, see, drunk near the house lezhit.
-You live here?
-of Ugu...
-On the sixth floor?
-of Ugu...
-Behind this door?
-of Ugu... Opened a door and pushed it there. Go down, see, the drunkard again pod
domom lies. Lifted it on the sixth floor, pushed into a door, spuskayutsya
-again lies. What is. Combatants again drag it upward. The man bormochet:
-Men, it is not necessary is a building more.

*****

There are in the evening two militiamen, see - drunk near the house lies. They it sprashivayut:
-You live here? Mm
-...
-On the sixth floor? Mm
-...
-Behind this door? Mm
-...
otkryli also pushed a door drunk there. Go down, see - the drunkard again under the house lies. Lifted it on the sixth floor, pushed into the same door, go down - again lies. Militiamen again drag it upward. And the man bormochet:
-Mmmuzhiki, it is not necessary is a building more.

*****

There are two pyanykh.
odin and speaks: You see my house?
VON shines my window, see a silhouette beautiful zhenshchiny.
eto my darling Wife.
a see there, she is embraced by the handsome man?
ETO I.

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There are two drunk. One wanted on small need and, itself being not able, asks the friend to help him. That stretched a hand in the necessary direction, but got to a pocket and pulled out ogurets.
ispugavshis, it zasheptal.
-Vasya from there, excuse, darling, I, apparently, to you tore off... That the friend otvetil:
-That I feel
Ha: blood on feet and whips!

*****

There are two pyanykh.
odin wanted on small need and, itself being not able, asks the friend to help emu.
tot stretched a hand in the necessary direction, but got to a pocket and pulled out ogurets.
ispugavshis, it zasheptal.
-Vasya from there, excuse, darling, I, apparently, to you tore off...
Ha that the friend answered: - I feel that: blood on feet and whips!

*****

There are two on ulitse.
-Watch 100 dollars roll! Give on them something we will buy...
-Class! Give... Let's buy
-for bread dollar, and on the rest - vodka...
-did not understand, and why to us it is so much bread?

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There are on the wood a Hare and the Wolf, look - the sobering-up station leaves the Camel. A hare speaks:
-Look, the Wolf as a horse spoiled!
-It not a horse, but Verblyud.
-All the same, is a pity!

*****

There are two drunk men down the street, and one speaks drugomu:
-we Argue on a bottle that the first word of my wife when sees me, will be "lassie".
-Yes you look at yourself - drunk, gryaznyy.
-we Argue! Yes I your wife know
-vedma.
-we Argue!
-is fine, sporim.
prikhodyat to it domoy.
- The Lassie, open for us dver.
- The Lassie! Yes that you died, a dog!

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There are competitions on litrbolu.
k-Komentator: To a scaffold there is the American athlete! Vodka circle
pervaya, second mug of vodka, the third... the fourth... broke. The American athlete broke!
Ha a scaffold leaves the German athlete! Vodka circle
pervaya, second mug of vodka, the third... the fourth... the fifth... the sixth. The German athlete broke, broke!
Ha a scaffold leaves the Russian athlete! Strange at it in hands a ladle!?!
pervy vodka ladle, second ladle of vodka, the third ...?етвертый...пятый...шестой...седьмой...десятый. The ladle at the Russian athlete broke, broke!

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From the diary of the American businessman in Russia...
10-e, Tuesday: drank with the Russian businessman, nearly died...
11-e, Wednesday: today pokhmelyalis, better I would die yesterday...

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It is necessary to leave hard drinking accurately, whether attentively oglyadyvas on storonam
- There is no someone it still...

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Creeps out of a hole dead drunk uzh.
-Gav! Not - and... Meow! Not - and... Doodledoo! Not - and... Shsh! Oh, blya I will be, shsh!

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From the explanatory: "I got drunk because got to the bad company. I had vodka, the others did not begin to drink".

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From the protocol from a scene: "Ran across the street on red light and it was brought down by the counter pedestrian".

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Russians invented new vodka - 100% of medical alcohol. Also think on whom to test it. Decided to go to Africa and to check vodka on gallant African guys. Arrived to Africa, caught the huge Black, gave him a glass of vodka. Look - the Black drank and in the eyes burned down. No, think, weaklings these Blacks. Went to a taiga, see the Chukchi on sledge. Distances to it a glass, he drank, grunted and further went. He goes, goes, suddenly rushes to snow and starts riding, somersaulting in it. It Pokuvyrkatsya further poyekhal.
oni it catch up and sprashivayut:
-That such? What, vodka bad?
-Well, vodka terrific! Only, when you otrygivat, the jersey lights up.

*****

Fairly drunk subject leaves bar and, hardly moving, goes to svoyey
mashine. Approaches it militsioner:
-Unless it is possible to drive in such state the car? That to do
-A to me, the sergeant, you see that I cannot walk.

*****

Sometimes the destiny puts an unsoluble dilemma before the person. You understand that it is not necessary to finish drinking a bottle, and to leave part of alcohol in the morning on pokhmelye.
no, on the other hand, if you do not drink up, then the hangover will not be. Why then to leave?

*****

The alien arrived to Earth and went to working collective to come into contact. The working collective as time noted a pay of a salary and I reacted to appearance of the alien spokoyno.
-from Sirius, - the alien declared, wishing to attract to himself vnimaniye.
-Vasya, pour to Sirius! - it was distributed otvet.
vypili. Have a snack. The alien decided to correct polozheniye:
-Well, you did not understand. I - from Sirius!
-Vasya, pour to Sirius! - it was distributed otvet.
vypili. Have a snack. The alien, having fairly become tipsy, the braided language ppogovopil:
-H - no, you did not p-understand... I am an alien...
-So. Vasya, to Sirius not to pour any more!

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The foreign intelligence service threw three agents in the USSR. At a landing of two of them grabbed, the third managed to disappear. Having strayed in the woods, it, eventually, left to the settlement. From a stall "water beer" two figures separated and with shout "Here the third" rushed to it. He raised hands...

*****

The inspector of traffic police stops avtomashinu.
-Companion driver, you that - are drunk?
-That you, I nepyyushchiy.
- And well, breathe! Hm... Really deteriorated?
dyshit in a tube sam.
-Well, works.

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- Irochka, the father came the sober yesterday? I do not know
-. He only asked a mirror to look who came.

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Irochka runs up to politseyskomu:
-I am followed by some man! It has to be drunk or sumasshedshiy.
politseysky, looking on nee:
-Or, maybe, the blind.

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The artificial intelligence created in Russia first of all asked vodka.

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Confesses alkash:
-Ya I do not get drunk in the presence of the wife. It is unpleasant to see as them there are two!

*****

The Italian national dish - pizza, and Russian - napitsets!

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To the veterinarian comes pyanyy:
-I heard, you the bestial doctor?
-Yes, and what hurts you?

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To the drunk man under a fence bends militsioner:
-you will be able to go?
-to go is not present. To drink - yes!

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Unfortunately, the woman cannot sometimes find to herself the husband-
chinu in husbands because drunk it are not pleasant to her, and sober ne
nravitsya she.

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As scientists found out, in beer contains a lot of female garmonov.
i really, after three bottles of beer the man starts giggling over any nonsenses,
posle of seven it already hardly operates the car, well after ten he wants to write a sitting.

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How the inveterate alcoholic defines, what is the date today? He takes a beer bottle, looks at date of production and by taste determines, how many to it days.

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How it is possible to stop drinking in the country where milk is more expensive than beer?

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How to explain to the foreigner that for Russian one bottle of vodka - is normal, two - there is a lot of, and three - it is not enough?!

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As FSB is established, the Russian opposition klicht America Tyatya Sam.

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What difference between an eagle and a pig?
-six-seven glasses of whisky.

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- What lawns at you magnificent! A grass on a lawn the English? I do not know
-English it or not, but inserts not childly!