Jokes about drunks

Read funny Jokes about drunks

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- What reasons of divorce?
-Mister judge, my wife runs every evening on pothouses! That does it do
-I there?
-Looks for me.

*****

Carlson: - You have a kid in this hole something to drink? .
malysh: - I will bring to you vody.
karlson: - I told, to drink something, but not to be washed by something.

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Drunk Kolobok on the wood and suddenly towards to it popalsya
kubik-rubik slides in an ass... Kolobok to a cube: "You who? "
-Ya? - cube-rubik...
-A I that on yours a ball - **** Ric perhaps?

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– With whom do You work?
-Ya I help the people suffering from alcoholic zavisimosti.
-About!You psychotherapist!
-is not present. I am a seller in wineproducing department.

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Claustrophobia is a fear of the closed space. Here I go to wine shop and I am afraid that it is closed.

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When you go to freshen the nip, the most difficult - to put on a boot a slipper...

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When Mendeleyev created a vodka formula, he could not even imagine, how many families he will destroy and how many families will establish.

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When there is a vodka bottle, at once is bought three more to celebrate a find.

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When you glue wall-paper, the main thing that bubbles were not. Here we somehow took two bubbles...

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When I last time came home having drunk, children me not uznali.
- And when sobered up?
-A when sobered up, I understood that got not to that apartment.

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- You bought sausage?
Колбасуку? Did not drink!

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– To whom worst Of all With a hangover?
-to Kolobok.... EVERYTHING hurts it.

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The conductor approaches in the bus to drunk muzhiku:
- The Young man - money for journey?
pyany, bulging karman:
-Rash here...

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End of December. On a column the announcement hangs: "You can order Father Frost and the Snow Maiden by phone 278-0015". The drunk man holds a column and rydayet:
-Kilera, villains... Father Frost and that was ordered...

*****

End of December … On a column the announcement dangles: "You can order Father Frost and the Snow Maiden by phone …"
derzhas for a column, costs drunk and is bitter rydayet:
"Killers! Monsters! Father Frost and that was ordered …"

*****

Kontsert.
pyany the Zionist 3,14dorchuk konferansye
-acts... not... the pianist of Sidorchuk.
pyany Sidorchuk
-vystupayet pianist Sidorchuk without ensemble... itself, blya... one, blya

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Rock group concert. All is natural drunk. Generally, the
solist-vocalist forgot the text. While play the introduction,
ON approaches the solo guitarist and speaks:
-Hear I the text forgot. Remind, and?
TOT:
-You that? I from where remember? I solo play and vse.
podkhodit to basistu:
- The Text forgot. Remind though the beginning. We will be dishonored after all! In general texts I do not listen to
BASIST:
-Ya. I remember a rhythm and igrayu.
podkhodit to barabanshchiku:
-I cannot remember the Text! Listen, remind!
barabanshchik, continuing stuchat:
- And what song??!!!

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– Korobkin why You did not come three days to work? - asked master.
-so You told: not to come drunk to work.

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Well, wakes up after a terrible bodunishch the doubler from a film studio Approaches a mirror and starts doing special exercises, straining that lips, language, etc. Thus looks at himself in a mirror...
-of Times, Times, Times, Two, Three. Test, Test... Mother washed a frame... Test, Test... Well... not synchronously.

*****

Koshchey Bessmertny makes advances to the Woman of Yagoy:
-Yagul, can in restaurant we will be winded? Champagne we will drink, we will be indulged with cognac?
BABA of Yaga looks in a mirror and is thoughtful speaks:
-Not for you, the fool, the berry is red grew...

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Red wine is useful for health. And health is necessary to drink vodka.

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– It is strong moonshine? Try to pour in
-a little in yours akvarium.
- And what???
-Of the Small fish will jump out And will tire out a cat on a roof.

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Strong drunk husband not to awake the wife and imperceptibly to pass in a bedroom, took off at a threshold boots and on tiptoe began to be stolen along a corridor. Unexpectedly hours punched hour. Right there the voice zheny:
-Fedya, what time is it now sounded?
-Ten chasov.
- And why they punched only unit? That they also zero have to punch
-A?!

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Strong tipsy husband comes back home after midnight and whispers angered zhene:
-T-s-s! I, my dear, found something. In the morning skazhu.
utrom the wife with impatience asks:
-Well, what you found such there? Imagine
-a new pothouse.

*****

- Who at you the house the owner, you or the wife? - ask priyateli.
-Of course, I!
-A of that you when you drink, sleep under a door?
-Ya the owner where I want, there and I sleep!

*****

- Who at your place owner, you or wife? - ask priyateli.
-Of course, I!
-A of that you when you drink, sleep under a door?
-Ya the owner where I want, there and I sleep!

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Who as napivayetsya:
plotnik - in a board. The glazier - into smithereens. The carrier - in an arch. The shoemaker -
V an insole. The tailor - in rags. The firefighter - in a dymina. The coffin maker -
vusmert. The pig-tender - before piggy squeal. The hunter - in dupel. The driver -
V a steering-wheel. The railroader - in a section car. The football player - in a miss. Assenibutr
-in shit. The cook - in sausage. The cooper - in a barrel. The forester - in shishku.
muzykant - in a pipe. The electrician - in an otklyuchka. The mathematician - in nol.
fizkulturnik - in a lezhka. The physician - before pulse loss. The physicist - to poteri
soprotivleniya. The chemist - before settling out. The writer - to ruchki.
zhurnalist - to a point. Blue - in zhopu.
a the astrophysicist - to stars from eyes. But it is beautiful...

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- Who found the first a body without life signs?
-Ya.
-Where brought it?
As usual: in the beginning in a mortuary, then in a sobering-up station.

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Kuzmich drags a huge bubble of vodka from an attic. Suddenly it breaks and Kuzmich falls with terrible grokhotom.
druzya from the neighboring room oklikayut:
-! Vodka is whole?
-Vodka? - * the soaking-up sound, smacking * - Vodka is whole! Yes... And here the bottle broke...

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- Cuckoo! How many it was necessary to live? How many you will pour
-, it is so much and nakuky...

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Culture of drinking alcoholic napitkov:
-tequila - licked, drank, kusnul;
-ordered martini, drank... DALA;
-Desna cognac - opened, closed, vybrosil;
-young Moldavian wine - drank, swelled up, ran... not USPEL;
-bought expensive French wine, put... lyubuyus;
-vodka - drank, wanted, tempted... it was dishonored, USNUL;
- The Turkish vodka - brought, opened, tried, closed... podaril;
-drank beer, descended, drank, descended..., drank, drank, fell asleep... descended.

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– Godfather why You began to drink more than the usual recently?
-it at me nasledstvennoye.
-to What sense?
-Died my mother-in-law And left in inheritance five buckets Of moonshine.

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Bought the breathalyzer, now every Friday I set up new records.

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The man in the market the speaking frog bought, dragged home, decided to check. Poured both vodka, vmazali:
muzhik:
-Well?
lyagushka:
-of KVA!
muzhik, having shrugged shoulders, poured on the second, vmazali.
muzhik:
-Well?
lyagushka:
-of KVA!
PO of the third, hit, the same effekt.
muzhik, oserdyas:
-Well you all KVA and KVA!
lyagushka:
-A that you all WELL and WELL!

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Two men bought a bottle. Drank - as sober as a judge. Added - again anything. It is few money. One speaks:-Let's buy beer and in a bath we will drink. And made - any effect. Another speaks:-I have a friend who knows how in general without money to reach standard. Came to it, tell: a pier, and so, all money spent - in one glazu.
- And you that, from a bath, perhaps?
-A as you guessed?
-Well, naked and with brooms...

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The man in dirt lies, by the woman passes. The man to it and speaks:
-Itself - a pig!
-Ya told nothing to you?!
-But thought!

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The father hippopotamus after a booze lies, the otkhodit.
mama-begemotikha runs on the apartment, erases, cleans, all zapykhalas.
begemotik approaches the father and asks: The father, make to me small lopatochku.
otstan, hardly moving language, mutters papasha.
idi to mame.
ona it banished, it again sticks to pape.
nakonets the father hippopotamus did not sustain: Here now I will get up, I will throw everything and I will do you a small rake!

*****

Lies drunk on a shop. Pushkin (poet) approaches, looks on lying and sochinyaet:
"the immovable body Lies And there is nobody it to lift..." Drunk opens one eye i
says in reply: "To you... what business? Not the horse-radish lies to lift..."

*****

The drunk man under wine shop lies, the Citizen approaches ment:
-, you that it lie here?!
-A I zzzdddes in the advertizing purposes …