Jokes about drunks

Read funny Jokes about drunks

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One drunkard complains to another on zhenu:
-As I will come home, it at once: "And well, breathe"! So you do
-, as I. Breathe at once as it is possible silnee.
- And what the wife?
-Falls.

*****

One drunk gentleman came on lecture on mathematics. Long listened, and then shouted lektoru:
-your proofs about harm of alcoholism are unconvincing!

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One drunk man speaks drugomu:
-I read about harm of alcohol and smoking very much that since New year solved brosit.
-What exactly: to drink or smoke? - asks drug.
-to Read!

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Became the lonely woman nevterpezh from a libido. Spat, and brought from the street of the first drunk for a bottle. He drank a bottle, more it is necessary nothing and became kapriznichat:
-Take, (tells) a teapot with water and climb on shkaf.
-What for?
-Climb, told!
zhenshchina solved: something brand new! - and zalezla.
-Water! - shouts alkash.
-Well! All right!
Brattle a rain feet! - continues alkash.
-Well! The thunder rattles!
zhenshchina:
-A when we will strike?
-Who in such weather strikes!?

*****

One head well, and two bottles is better!

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One woman calls the podruge:
-Hallo! Olga, it you? Listen, what you accept when you have a sleeplessness?
podruga otvechayet:
-I drink a shot glass to cognac in each hour of
-I that, right after it fall asleep?
-Is not present, I do not fall asleep. But it is so much more pleasant to be awake.

*****

One girlfriend complains drugoy:
- At me the husband the alcoholic. I already so was tired of it. What to do to me?
Ta it otvechayet:
-Yes, at me was such problem. You try to make so: when the husband the drunk comes and will go to bed, you to it put in trousers to a dragon. He will see it, will think that delirium tremens began, and to drink perestanet.
nu the first and made. The next morning the man wakes up, goes to a toilet, gets from trousers a snake, she emu:
-Shshsh-sh-sh-sh... I will give
MUZHIK:
-Ya to you shshshsh, give ssa!!!

*****

Once to a workshop to Bryullov there arrived some family and wished to see his N.'s pupil of
a.
ramazanova.
bryullov sent for nim.
kogda he came, Bryullov, addressing to visitors, said: I recommend pyanitsa.
ramazanov, pointing to Bryullov, coolly answered: And it is my professor.

*****

Oh, men as a neck hurts! Yesterday caught a cold, and the wife and speaks: "Darling, give I you spirtiky I will pound"...
-A a neck here at what??
-Ha, and you tried sometime alcohol from a back to pinch?

*****

Oceanarium. At an aquarium with fish saw costs, shaking, unshaven tip.
chitayet:
-Ryba drank... Yes - and- And, it is necessary to stop drinking...

*****

The final wording of the law Arkhimeda:
na the body shipped in 40-degree liquid no laws work.

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It is stronger than Absolute vodka - tell, what is his name?

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IT: - To pour to you champagne?
OHA: - Know when I look at a glass and I see how in it bubbles rise and burst, it reminds me of caducity of our life...
OH (having slightly been stunned): - Perhaps then beer?
OHA: - And from beer I want to perdet...

*****

It it is so noisy drove up to our house on the motorcycle that the father from surprise dropped a vodka bottle. After that, of course, about any wedding there could not be also a speech...

*****

They stood and looked at each other with nedoumeniyem.
-Was lived - thought belochka.
-Was drunk up - the death thought.

*****

Opechatka:
komissiya on prevention of sobriety.

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- Again got drunk! Where salary, where money?!
-B meshkakh.
- And where your bags?
-Under eyes.

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- You WHY AGAIN CAME the DRUNK? - the wife on muzha.
-Well shouts you give! - the husband is surprised. - "Came drunk"... You that, did not see,
kak BROUGHT me? "Prishe-el" …

*****

Fall, cold, damp. The torn-off, stiffened drunk comes into a bar and asks to pour to pokhmelitsya. The bartender would feel sorry ego:
-you to herself though for boots new kupili.
-On a horse-radish, health is more expensive!

*****

Fall, cold. In a bar the torn-off shivering drunk in slippers creeps, pours out a heap of a trifle and asks 100 grams. The shop assistant to it pours and speaks:
-You though boots to herself new kupil.
-On a horse-radish, mother, health is more expensive!

*****

To leave the girl, going to army, it all the same what to leave a bottle of vodka on the street and to return behind it in two years.

*****

The GAI officer stops "Zaporozhets" - and that is full drunk muzhikov.
vygnal it of all from the car - to check documents - and them semnadtsat
chelovek! The GAI officer shocked, all at once in a site. Next morning oni
protrezveli, the chief rayotdela:
-Men causes them, I will forgive all, only show how you there umestilis.
muzhiki go outside and start being packed slowly v
mashinu. Sixteen got, and odin
nu is not located in any way. Those to it and govoryat:
-Listen, maybe, you with us were not yesterday?
-Well you, men! And who to you played all road on a bayan?!

*****

Gbddshnik the 600th stops, checks documents and asks:
-As "health"?
Driver:
-О%#%тельно! After office with boys drank beer in a high, then with the girl in a bath it was filled up, there deryabnut a konyachka, then in a lump the bubble took (gets Absolute buttle from a pocket) here I go, I am caught up!
gaishnik, okhrenevaya:
-Well blow in a tubule!
CHUVAK:
-Yes you che, commander!? You do not trust, perhaps!?

*****

Stop "Wine shop", the following stop - the end of turn in shop.

*****

Tram stop. There is a drunk Mityok. The trolleybus approaches, open dveri.
mitek speaks - "Eta-a-a"... at the same time making a helpless gesture. The trolleybus zakryvayet
dveri also leaves. The Mityok - "Oops - and..."

*****

The careful optimist is such person who sees the glass standing on a table half full, but doubts that there vodka is poured.

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Police station. 2 o'clock in the morning. The call is distributed. The person intepesyetsya:
-Be kind, tell when the wine shop opens?
-B 7 of morning, citizen!
B 4 hours, the same voice, but slightly pyanyy:
-Tell and when wine on a corner opens?
-B of 7 hours of morning!!
B 6 to hour, in dryzg a drunk voice of the same mana:
-Ska-zhi-te,-gda the wine...
-That wine, what? Will open? In 7, and to you, what nevterpezh yes, somewhat quicker to enter and get drunk, how a pig?
-U-U-U and me it is necessary to leave!

*****

Vacationers of sanatorium began to argue, on what categories mozhno
razdelit modern health-resort visitors. Earlier everything was clear. And now?
pervy the category is lions. They come with svoimi
lyubovnitsami, occupy separate comfortable numbers i
nakhodyatsya in close friendship with resort nachalstvom.
vtoroy the category - wolves. Come to the resort angry and odi-
noky. From loneliness start howling and looking for vodka and zhenshchin.
znakomyatsya and brosayut.
trety the category - jackals. Select that threw an ox-
KI, - that and dovolny.
chetverty the category - donkeys. Come with the Wifemi.
khodyat with a clever look under ruchku.
pyaty the category - goats. Go to library, read knigi
i play in domino.
shestoy the category - alcoholics.

*****

The vacationer with work wakes up, days so on the fifth or seventh, and reaches a mirror. Looks at himself (blue, swelled up...) and govopit:
-Oh, as I sunbathed and recovered...

*****

The father teaches growing up syna:
-Never try to drown a grief in vine.
-Why, the father?
-Because it perfectly floats.

*****

The father sits in kitchen and pyet.
podkhodit dochka:
- The Father, and it is possible I will take an empty small bottle, I will hand over and will buy a hlebushka? Take
-, hand over.... What you here without me would guzzle?

*****

The father and the son walk in parke.
syn: The father, I ice cream want!
OTETS: I too want, but money is enough only for vodka!

*****

The father and the son eat at a table. The son stretched for kartoshiny and incidentally touched a vodka bottle - it reeled, but did not fall. The son, smeyas:
-Fathers, look - the bottle just was on a hair from death...
OTETS, very much seryezno:
-You too.

*****

The father with the son solve zadachku:
-Present, what you have two apples, to you gave one more, how many ikh
stalo?
-of Fathers, at me it is impossible to present these apples, too difficult, try to present to
vot itself, at least two bottles vodki.
- The Son, I the person respecting himself and having, even mentally - two bubbles,
etoy herny here with you would not be engaged.

*****

The father with three sons arrived for a mowing. The old man thankful in advance him, poured all on a glass of vodka. After a while he addresses to synovyam:
-Well, my children, it is time for us to work now!
A the eldest son with usmeshkoy:
-You, the father as you will drink, start grinding such nonsense!

*****

– From where the programmer takes so much money for beer?
-He draws antialcoholic posters.

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Why people do not fly as a bird? Because that thump as a pig!

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- Waiter, wine and fruit!
-is more concrete, please!
-Hundred grams and cucumber!

*****

The waiter pushes out drunk of restaurant. The chief to it говорит:
- do not push out drunk of restorana.
-No why? Do not forget: we are in a dining-car.