Jokes about drunks

Read funny Jokes about drunks

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The drunk man in a dirty pool lies. By there passes a woman. It ey.
-Itself svinya.
-But I told nothing to you?!
-But thought.

*****

The drunk guy on the platform lies and dies with smekhu.
okruzhayushchiye it within 10 minutes did not sustain and called "Ambulance" .
svyazyvayushchim it to hospital attendants he explains: - Children, me fifty people provozhali.
oni went to army, and I remained.

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Stepa on the river bank lies. Suddenly golos:
-Stepa, you want beer cold? I Want
-...
BATs - costs a beer flank. Golos:
- And the woman you want here? I Want
-!.
smotrit - a row the naked woman lies. Golos:
- And self-races the tank and snack the car you want? I Want
-, of course I want! Looks - everything appeared. asks:
-Listen to Stepa, and you can a goldfish?
-Is not present, Stepa, I am delirium tremens …

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The drunk man lies on the sidewalk. Suddenly the little girl runs up to it, with shout "Pip-pip" presses to it a finger a nose and runs away. Minutes through five again runs up, with shout "Pip-pip" of
nazhimayet to it a finger on a nose and runs away. The man hardly sits down, hardly presses to himself a finger a nose - anything. He presses once again - anything!
muzhik is silent bormochet:
-U-u-u, a bough! Broke!

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The lecturer speaks:
-From the drinking husbands of the wife is much more often ukhodyat.
question from zala:
- And how many for this purpose it is necessary to drink?

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The lecturer finished the report in the worker kollektive.
-who will have questions?
-U you there a glass on a tribune was not released?

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Flies drunk aist:
-Carrhae-Carrhae... Faugh, Kurly-Kurla...

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The drunk eagle owl on the wood nochyyu:
-Ugu flies. Ugu. Ugu. (Baume!) Wow!.

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The summer, the sun, birdies sing, children on giving y of mother, the wife of the house makes a lunch... The man goes from a bath with the BEER CANISTER... Now will come, will make love to the wife, and then cold beer...
Ha to the road lies a bottle which the man on the machine gun kicks, and that breaks about a stone. As usual - gin as it is accepted - one desire...
man orders:" I want that in the canister beer would not come to an end" .
dzhin, having conjured, disappears. And the man till this time tries to open the canister...

*****

The liter of vodka removes a stress from you and puts on it on people around.

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Personally I invest money in vodka! Where still it is possible to receive 40%?

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It is better to mix vodka with beer, than with loneliness.

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One man liked to drink. Also votreshit it as that the wife prouchit;
Took thrust a dead cat into a bottle and put it on mesto.
vozvrashchayetsya in the evening of a srabota and hears from kitchen голос:
- Well a kisonk, well a laponka, well still a droplet......
zaglyadyvet at a door also sees the husband, before it an empty bottle sits. and he a cat over a glass squeezes out and приговаривает:
- Well a kisonk, well a laponka, well still a droplet......

*****

- I love, when beer correct. Here vodka - the correct beer!

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People who speak "It is necessary to drink less", and people who speak "It is necessary to drink more", meet in one - "It is necessary to drink".

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The little girl resorts in tears home and Mother complains mame:
-! Mother! I just in a sandbox was wanted to be killed!
-???
-Ya played a sand here three uncles mudflows on a bench approached one got a bottle and said:
-Well? Let's cut on the small?!

*****

The little girl woke up late at night and started persuading, mamu:
-Mother, tell me skazochku.
mat it otvetila:
-Wait, my small, the father has to return soon. He will also tell us with you the next tale.

*****

The little boy with the father pass by wine shop. The boy, looking at the crowding drunks, asks:
- The Father, and who these uncles?
-It, the sonny, swine and idlers which even the moonshine still to make laziness.

*****

The boy comes from school home and the Father speaks ottsu:
-, I brought the four! With boduna:
-Well done! Deliver to
OTETS in the refrigerator.

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The boy asks at papy:
- The Father, and you have such pot-belly from beer? Remember
- The sonny, a stomach not FROM beer, a stomach FOR beer!

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Mother drank a glass of fortified wine with guests and went to stack the daughter. The girl puzzly moved nosom:
-Mama, and why you perfumed with father's spirits?.

*****

- Mother, and the father got paid today! From where you know
-A? It in a bathtub a mirror shaves with
-!

*****

Mother abuses syna:
-You why on the refrigerator drew a letter "Zh"?
-It not, is a snowflake!
-Aha, and you explained it to drunk guests?!

*****

Mother goes to a night shift and the Father speaks detyam:
-will come drunk, you undress him and put bed, but pants ne
snimayte, there the snake zhivet.
nautro comes it from work, and children joyful meet her and radostno
krichat:
-Mother, you be not afraid, we crushed this snake, and eggs too, and in general vse
gnezdo burned.

*****

Minibus. The drunk man comes. On the driver's question of payment says, what at it is not present deneg.
-On vodka were? - asks shef.
-Me the friend treated, - justifies muzhik.
- And why on the road did not give?
-Well why did not give... -
vytaskivayet because of a bosom a vodka bottle.

*****

Mother utters to the teacher of the syna:
-Well as you could give to my son a task in which the bottle of vodka costs 5 rubles? My husband for excitement could not close eyes all night long!

*****

Mother brings together the son in pokhod:
-Here, put to you oil, bread and kilogram gvozdey.
-What for???
-Well that here the unclear? You will smear oil on bread and syesh.
- And nails???
-Well and so they, put!

*****

International championship on drinking of alcoholic drinks. The final was reached by four athletes. Englishman, American, German and Russian Kuzkin. Begin final sorevnovaniya.
vykhodit the American. Drinks a glass of vodka, still a glass, still a half of glass and padayet.
vykhodit the Englishman. Drinks a glass, still, still of a half of glass and padayet.
vykhodit the German. Drinks a glass, still, still, half of stkakana and padayet.
vykhodit Kuzkin. Drinks time five glasses, three bottles of beer, still a half of glass and padayet.
bezzagovorochnaya a victory of the Russian athlete. On the second place the German. And here with the third place it is not clear. The Englishman and the American lie unconscious. The commentator in despair exclaims in mikrofon.
-Who will be the third???!!!
kuzkin, hardly tearing off the head from pola:
-Ya-a-a-a!

*****

Cops break a door. Opens rocking a narkosha. Menty:
- At you here under a door the corpse lies! Who killed?!
-A, it... It is Serega... It already the dead came...

*****

Migratory services, work permits, registration of foreigners, invitations and visas to Russia

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- Darling! This wine does you irresistible!
-But I did not drink some wine! It is unimportant
-. But I drank.

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The militiaman stops the driver for check, stretches tpubochku:
-Breathe here, - that breathes. - Yes you are absolutely drunk!
-Mistake, citizen chief. Did not take in a mouth today. Here wife ppovep.
ppovepil.
-Too the drunk!
-Yes the device is spoiled! Well here the child of five years - let will breathe!
ppibop shows that the child too is drunk. The militiaman apologizes and leaves to check ppibop.
-See, Klavka, and you: harmfully yes it is harmful. Here it is not harmful - did good.

*****

Militiamen try to pull out from a pool of the drunk sailor. That beats off and opet:
-Is not present! At first rescue women and children!!!

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The militiaman talks with alkogolikom:
-Here you drink, and thus unless do not know that at us no song, no supper!
-A I have also not a snack...

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The militiaman asks malchika:
-Admit, your father cooks moonshine?
-Is not present, it its crude drinks.

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The Minsk wineproducing plant started production of vodka in bottles with the left carving. Such zapadl morning after from it was not expected by anybody …

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I was told: "It is necessary to drink moderately!." I consulted a dictionary: MEPA
(starorussk.) - unit of volume equal 26,24 liters............ opank)

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The young plumber speaks staromu:
-Yesterday I was drunk in stelku.
-Is not present, this is the shoemaker drunk as a cobbler, the tailor - in rags, the glazier - into smithereens, the stove-setter - in a dymina, and we, plumbers - in shit. The nobility it is necessary!

*****

The young man walks with the girl. Pass by restaurant. The girl speaks:
-Oh as pleasantly cognac pulled! And chocolate!
yunosha asks at nee:
-to You it was pleasant? Perhaps once more by we will pass?