Jokes about drunks

Read funny Jokes about drunks

<** Previous Topic          Next Topic **>

13  14  15  16  17  18  19  20  21  22  23  24

Winter fishing. The cold the fierce, and one man sits at a hole without shapki.
-You that without cap, it is not a pity for ears? - ask ego.
-Not, men! Last time someone offered hundred grams to me, and I because of this NOT fucking cap CAUGHT! Now it I will put on a horse-radish!

*****

In winter Pavel left the palace on a sledge prokatitsya.
dorogoy he noticed the officer who was so much tipsy that went, pokachivayas.
imperator ordered to stop to the driver and called up to himself ofitsera.
vy, mister officer, are drunk, the sovereign terribly told, become to a back of mine saney.
ofitser goes on a back for the tsar is living mertv.
ot fear at it and hop propal.
edut oni.
zavidya aside the beggar giving a hand to passersby, the officer suddenly cried to the monarchic driver: Stop!
pavel, with surprise, looked back nazad.
kucher stopped loshad.
ofitser rose about a zapyatok, approached the beggar, got into the pocket and, having taken out some coin, gave milostynyu.
potom it came back and rose again on a back for gosudarem.
eto it was pleasant Pavlu.
gospodin the officer, he asked, what your rank? The
shtabs-captain, gosudar.
nepravda, the sir, kapitan.
kapitan, your majesty, answers ofitser.
povorotiv other street, the emperor again asks: Mister officer, what your rank?
kapitan, yours velichestvo.
a is not present, the lie, mayor.
mayor, velichestvo.
na Pavel again asks a returnable way yours: Mister officer, what rank at you?
mayor, the sovereign, was otvetom.
a here a lie, the sir, podpolkovnik.
podpolkovnik, yours velichestvo.
nakonets they approached to dvortsu.
soskochiv about a zapyatok, the officer, the most polite image, speaks to the sovereign: Your majesty, so fine day, whether it will be necessary to sweep some more streets?
ChTO, mister lieutenant colonel?
said gosudar.
vy want to be the colonel?
A here is not present, any more not naduyesh; it is enough from you and it china.
gosudar disappeared in the doorway of the palace, and the satellite it remained podpolkovnikom.
izvestno that Pavel had no joke and everything, told them, was executed in accuracy.

*****

- Zina, marry me!
-Here so always, "Zina, marry me", and in the morning you will sober up and peredumayesh.
-Is not present, Zina.
-will not change the mind?
-I will not sober up.

*****

- You know, at me at dacha all vegetables devoured medvedka!
-A at me at dacha was got a hedgehog and devoured all a medvedok! For such business and a bottle
-it does not grieve
-to deliver to it! Yes for a bottle I and a medvedok will gobble up

*****

The well-known crooner sprashivayut:
-It is the truth, what you lip-synch now?
-is right. And under vodka and I can dance.

*****

Means, I drive somehow home the car. Drunk in full zero. Well and here traditionally cops... A brain, having collected the remains of forces, thinks what to get away - all the same will catch up and "Field" not with the racing car. Generally, stopped, I sit, I hold a wheel. The cop approaches, something mutters, and I do not understand that he speaks, I low something in reply. It is not appeased, I again something lowed. As a result the cop opens a door, I drop out on the road as a sack with a flour. The deification of history was farther. Cop with astonishment so: "You that, are drunk??"

*****

Means the man to delirium tremens got drunk. Lies, to die sobralsya.
tut knock at a door. The man hardly crawled, opens, and there small death (about a finger size). ON:
-You, che such small? I so what wons big how you will take away me?
-Yes I not to you, the man, I to your canary...

*****

How call?
-Dasha...
-Why?

*****

Zoo. A hippopotamus and a giraffe - cages naprotiv.
zhiraf: Hippopotamus, you such thick, sweaty, smelly. Here you drink vodka it at you Bach in a stomach - any high. And I drink at me on a throat runs - super.
begemot having thought: And to vomit?!

*****

– And where it it is possible to vanish so long? - the wife on the husband when that late returned domoy.
-Yes here at the neighbor to the thrown up flew played...
-F-fu-u!From You vodka bears!
-so after all came the godfather And threw binge...

*****

- Also it is not a shame to you to beg on the street?
-Of course, would be more convenient if brought me it home. But I have no house.

*****

Ivan complains Stepanu:
-Here the devil's wife! As I will come home, at once: "And well, breathe! "You do
-A as I, - Stepan speaks. - Breathe as it is possible more strongly!
-A that wife?
-Falls …

*****

Ivan tsarevitch wakes up with a hangover. To zhene:
-Vasilisushka, give a chervonchik on pivko.
-Leave, the alcoholic neschastnyy.
-As was a toad, so a toad and remained!

*****

– Ivanov why You did not come three days for work?
-asked mastep.
-so You saidi:
pyanym not to come to work.

*****

- Ivanov why all of you drink time?
-Because vodka liquid. Would be firm - would gnaw!

*****

– Ivanov why You did not come three days to work? - asked master.
-so You told: not to come drunk to work.

*****

There are two alcoholics on park, upershis one about another not to fall. From other party there are two police officers and talk. One drunk speaks dpygomy:
-See, two 3,14dora stoyat.
dpygoy govopit:
-Yes well, cannot be, what they blue? Yes, here watch
-, how many round girls, and will stick to us.

*****

There is a drunk on the coast. Sees - cast ashore gold rybku.
lezhit, lashes, asks to throw it into water, promises to execute tri
zhelaniya.
-Dai on opokhmet a glass of beer!
poyavlyaetsya glass of beer. The drunk is enough a small fish, thrashes her on tylnoy
storone kisti:
-Here and ram is!

*****

There is a drunk on a cemetery. Sees, before it something big, red. Asks: "You who?" "I - a red monster! "
alkash is wrapped and sees before itself something big, green. asks:
" You who?" "I - a green monster!" The drunk in other party, and there watches something small, gray. The drunk speaks: "Oh, I know, you - a gray monster!" Voice: "The citizen, a proydemta in office!"

*****

There is a drunk on the wood. Hears - kukushka.
- The Cuckoo, a cuckoo, how many I needed to live years?
-Uk-UK.
-It that means?
-You, the reptile, two years of the superfluous lived.

*****

There is home a drunk man. Thinks that the wife did not swear now I will come the book I will open I will pretend to be that she read I will not guess that drunk. Came home grabbed the book sits with a clever look comes Wife:
-That cattle again got drunk? Close a suitcase and go to bed.

*****

There is a woman on a beach, looks - the man, and under swimming trunks at it - a hillock preogromny lies. "Oho, - dumayet; - it is necessary to get acquainted". Went, bought a vodka bottle, approaches and speaks:
- The Man, give we will get acquainted with you! speaks:
-Davay.
zaty it takes
muzhik with pleasure a bottle, opens, spills, drinks a glass, gets a huge cucumber from swimming trunks, has a snack and thrusts a cucumber obratno.
zhenshchina:
-you that, the fool?!
MUZHIK:
- The Fool not the fool, and glasses six in day I have!

*****

There is a lecture many cases when the wife leaves the husband who pyet.
golos from zala:
- And how many for this purpose it is necessary to drink Are known of harm alkogolya.
lektor:
-?

*****

There is a man, in both hands will carry bottles. His friend asks:
-Well che, container you go to hand over?
-Not, with the wife swore, so she told: "Take away the things and leave".

*****

There is a man, and on the way the drunk laps in luzhe.
-You that here do? Give
-ISHCHU.
-together iskat.
minut ten lapped, and suddenly drunk krichit:
-Found! That found
-?
-found the Coast!

*****

There is a man drunk on the road, in a hand a pig. Ha a meeting to it other man goes and sppashivayet:
-You that - this pig in lotoreyu won? And pig otvechayet:
-Yes!

*****

There are Olympic Games. Also alcoholics of the whole world decided to arrange the Olympic Games - who 6olshe will drink. Competitions were decided to be held kovshami.
kommentator:
-On, the scaffold leaves the American athlete. The first, the second, the third, fourth, fifth - broke...
POKA from a scaffold take out the American athlete, on tribunes the Russian athlete warms up Krasnenkim.
-Na a scaffold there is the French athlete. The first, the second, the third, the fourth, the fifth, the sixth, the seventh, eighth, ninth - broke...
frantsuzskogo of the athlete take out from a scaffold, and at this time the Russian athlete on tribunes warms up krasnenkim.
- And here to a scaffold there is the Russian athlete. The first, the second, the third, the fourth, the fifth, the sixth, the seventh, the eighth, the ninth, the tenth, the eleventh, twelfth, thirteenth - broke, broke … a bucket. While repair a bucket, the Russian athlete warms up the krasnenky.

*****

Goes funeral protsessiya.
havstrechu to it drunk muzhik.
on notices going ahead, is enraptured and suits to nemu:
-to Ser-r-rega! The Odnoklassnich-ch-chek, how many years - how many winters! Listen to
-, excuse, I have a grief - my wife died...
-You married?! I congratulate!!!

*****

There is Pushkin with the bride Natali on dark park. Under a bush the drunk man rolls in a boob...
natali: - Here you, Alexander, speak that can write the epigram about any subject. Here compose about this drunk!
pushkin, having rolled up eyes, begins to compose: "The breathless corpse on our course of life lies!!... "
pyany having slightly raised the head: "And you what business? You went to snoshatsya - and go! "
go, Natali, it again Lermontov got drunk...

*****

There is a drunkard down the street and every minute that laughs, waves a hand. Other passerby asks ego:
-That all of you time laugh? I tell
-A to myself anedoty.
- And why sometimes wave a hand? I some already know
-A.

*****

Goes drunk along a fence, holding it. Sees - a pig in a pool lezhit.
-Well you, a pig! As it is not a shame to you! All dirty, smelly, in a pool you roll!.
-will be looked by me at you when the fence comes to an end!

*****

Goes drunk on art gallery and the last day Pompeii" stops vozle
kartiny ". Costs, gets accustomed and izrekayet:
-Look, everything got, a pancake.

*****

There is a drunk. Ice. In a hip-pocket a bottle. Slipped, upal.
chuvstvuyet, behind something wet. Lies and dumayet:
-One hope that is blood.

*****

There is a drunk man, suddenly sees there is a crowd, well he also shouts: "Crowd! Yes I vas
imel!". The crowd leaves the jerk: "And me?". The man "and I all do not remember Eeeeee... "
;) Sit two flies on a heap of... on. Suddenly one as vzbzdnt!. And the second EY
(indignantly): It that you do
-: we HAVE DINNER!

*****

There is a drunk man on rails and sees the rat cut poyezdom.
ostanavlivayetsya stares and in a mocking tone in a voice speaks: "Oy-oy-oy
kakiye we gentle... well directly Anna Karenina".

*****

There is a drunk man on the dark lane along a fence, and on a meeting to it the young girl. And here it passes by the man, and he is enough it and puts to a fence a cancer, and she to it otvechayet:
-Can take off to me stockings?
MUZHIK:
-is not necessary, I so will get

*****

There is a drunk man, and on tram rails a cat dead lezhit.
-Okh-okh-okh! Too to me, Anna Karenina!

*****

There is a drunk man down the street and comes to himself in dvop.
vidit, in bushes the cuckoo sits. It and govopit:
-Cuckoo, cuckoo. How many I needed to live years?
TUT leans out of a window the wife of this little man and in otvet:
-Five-seven seconds... so far I did not find the iron!

*****

There is a drunk man down the street, podskalzyvatsya, falls on a bum. Rises, grabs the back, oshchupyvayet:
-Split!!!! In half!!!!