Jokes about drunks

Read funny Jokes about drunks

Jokes about drunks

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The man after a booze looks in the morning in a mirror and speaks:
-I do not know you, but I will shave you...

*****

The man wakes up from the deepest hangover from phone call in the morning, the friend whom he did not see long ago calls. - You from where? - the man asks. That in reply: - Help out, the friend, from a sobering-up station I call, near your house, money is not present, 156 rubles that released are necessary. The man promises, puts down a reciever and, having collected the rest of forces, rises and starts putting on slowly, trying not to fall. Wife terribly: - Where??? That honestly explains a situation. The wife stares at its swelled-up physiognomy and speaks: - Take 312 rubles!!!

*****

The man wakes up from a concrete budun in the morning, hardly gets up and goes on kitchen popit.
zakhodit, and there - a small fish salty, crayfish boiled and beer cold costs. It obaldevshiyvshiya krichit:
"the Sonny and well go here". The son resorts - "Chega is necessary fathers". Listen and che was yesterday? Well the son also answers: "You came the folder drunk, are on the last legs, and mother in spalno carried you and started undressing". Well and che? And you to it - leave alone the swine I married!

*****

Bugs zatrakhat the man. Comes back home somehow from work drunk and zloy.
posmotrel on a sofa, banged a fist on stolu:
- And well, on a horse-radish all from here! Bugs scaredly, a chain go for dver.
tolko behind the smallest constantly looks back. The man already sobered up ot
takoy pictures yes as will begin to neigh. The smallest bug, radostno:
-Men! Went back, he joked!

*****

The man sprosili:
-Why you drink vodka?
-Because the liquid...
-?????
-Would be firm - so would gnaw …

*****

The man standing in a queue impudently is pushed by the woman and goes further. The man obizhenno:
-Well here, took and pushed … the woman turns around in
TUT and looks at it.
ON:
-Well here, bl@t also frightened!!!

*****

Men in the pay-day leave with zavoda:
-Let's throw a coin - let God will judge, how money potratim.
-As it?
- And here so: if the eagle drops out, at once behind a bottle pobezhim; if the reshka - at first zakus kupim; if on an edge will rise - in a tavern we will be filled up, we will sit as white lyudi; and if in air hangs - we will give a pay to the wife.

*****

Men in a campaign thump at a fire. Everything is excellent, the only problem - mosquitoes, which simply huge number. Mosquitoes bothered men, they extinguished Custer that mosquitoes on light did not fly, and zanykatsya in tent. After a while one, already absolutely thump the man, looks out of tent, and on the street glowworms fly - the man frightened gets back into tent and speaks: - Men!... Mosquitoes with small lamps returned! We are looked for!!!...

*****

Men wake up after a booze. One asks:
-Grisha, what we drank yesterday?
TOT, having thought, otvechayet:
-Sukhoye.
- And why then I wet?

*****

Men decided to drink, net.
odin speaks
-Ask an of grandmas for the zheny.
-Not dast.
- And you tell lies that nibud.
-to Poprobuyu.
prikhodit to the wife and speaks. At us in the city the new firm opened. They for only 100 dollars increase the member, already by two times, but at me seychas
net deneg.
Wife right there gives him $400 and speaks:
-run skoree.
husband already in the doorway, it him ostanavlivaet.
-Here to you $200 more let they him also zagnut.
husband run to the friend. Well they got drunk this day on full programme.
vecherom comes back home, the wife sprashivaet
-Went to firm?
-Hodil
-Increased?
-Increased and is so remarkable poluchilos.
- And, that you drunk?
-C burning... All your imaginations are guilty. They stopped increasing began to bend and... broke off.

*****

Men decided to drink and look for "third". Approach the man and govoryat:
-with us you Will drink?
TOT very much was surprised and sprosil:
- And the snack is?
-Kuryatina.
nu, it agreed. Went, poured, drank. Third man speaks:
- And where chicken meat?
pervy muzhik:
-Well on, light...

*****

Men in the Russian bar drink bottle beer. The waitress of a bottle does not clear the table. One called eyo:
- The Girl, and it is possible to take away small bottles?!
-Yes in what a problem... take away!

*****

To the man govoryat:
-Come to us on sobraniye.
- And
-will allow to drink there? Well you, it is necessary openheartedly, firmly believing in idea... Here I also ask
-will allow to drink or it is necessary already drunk to come?

*****

The little man poddaty in the subway goes down. His cop ostanavlivayet:
-Stop! In such look in the subway it is impossible!!
NU, the man and asks:
-S-s-kazhite, and the truth, what in the subway of a ladder ezdt?
-Truth!
-A the truth, what in the subway of a wall obkladena marble?
-Truth. And you that, visitor?
-Is not present, to - Moscow born and bred!
- And NEVER in the subway were?!!
-D-dak in - after all - do not let!!!

*****

The little man came to small restaurant, called up ofitsianta.
-to me 100 grams, to you 100 grams and to musicians on 100 gramm.
i so he repeated it all evening. Well, closing, is time to leave. There was i
poshel.
-Hey, and an account? I money have no
-A!
NU, the waiter started giving to the little man in a muzzle, for a long time. On drugoy
den the same little man again in restaurant prikhodit:
-to me 100 grams and to musicians on 100 gamm.
ofitsiant, with angry sarkazmom:
- And me?! To yourself do not pour
-A, you drunk fight!

*****

- The man, - the grandma sitting near an entrance speaks - I noticed you very long ago. You as go by, always stop, look as if remember something... Probably, here passed youth?
-What youth to a horse-radish! In this house the wineproducing shop was. Su

*****

The man comes into wineproducing department and asks:
-you have a champagne?
-NET.
-A Napoleon cognac?
-NET.
- And "Ambassadorial" is? Listen to
-, we have a citizen wineproducing department, and information bureau in the neighboring lane here.

*****

The man lies in a ditch and stonet:
-Oy! Oh! Oh!
sobralas crowd. Someone ran to call "Ambulance". When hospital attendants wanted to lift the man, he suddenly shouted that is mochi:
-Oh, the guelder-rose in the field at a stream blossoms!

*****

The man will carry bottles in both hands. His friend sppashivayet:
-You that, bear container to hand over?
-Is not present, with the wife swore, so she told: take away the things and leave.

*****

- The man, to you it is bad?
-Is not present, to me it is good!!! You then vomit
-A of that?
-I cannot hold so much happiness at myself inside!

*****

The man left bar late at night and tries to orient. Sees tram relsy:
-So... here recently the tram passed... here rails which it left.

*****

The man comes in restoran.
-to me, please, nine glasses of cognac... Thanks. And now move away the first and poslednyuyu.
-Why?
-First badly goes, and with the last I become stupid.

*****

The man came home drunk, all hackneyed and started sticking an adhesive plaster on wounds. Next morning rose, and his wife asks:
-Vasya, you again drunk were yesterday? Who an adhesive plaster, sober on a mirror, molds
-NET.
-A?

*****

The man came to the acquaintance advokatu:
-I Want to divorce from the zhenoy.
- And what happened?
-Yes it is dragged every day on pothouses and restoranam.
-Really such the drunkard? Never I will believe!
-Well, it searches for me...

*****

The man, passing by a pothouse, addresses itself to sebe:
- And well, the friend, whether you have a will power?
-Is! - he answers himself and firmly goes forward. Through ten meters ostanavlivayetsya.
-Well done! there is at you a will power! - he speaks and comes back to a pothouse.

*****

The man is considered sober if he can lie on horizontal, for what without keeping.

*****

Men after hunting wash production. As always it is not enough vodka, and they stage a contest. It is necessary blindly, to the touch to guess what animal and than ubit.
1) the Boar. It is killed with a shot in heart. (Guessed, drinks a glass of vodka)
2) the Hare a hare. It is killed with a shot in the head. (Ugadal.vypivayet a glass of vodka) etc. and etc.
nautro the wife awakes with
I the husband and speaks:
ty that on hunting again drank?
NET. You it took Schego?
Tak, you all night long ironed me on a pubis and shouted: "The rat, is killed with an axe in a back!"

*****

The city hall of Moscow prepares new restrictions on alcohol sale for
kogda these dolboyoba will understand, what the sober Russian is a revolutionary?

*****

On military-field doctrines morning poverka.
pyany the sergeant is going to give the first command: - Platoon ...!
Нале...Напра...
Кругом...
Бегом...
Об wall forehead!...
IKKK.
otstavit platoon! I will make
SAM!

*****

Per day rozhdeniya:
-do not awake in me an animal! What
-?
-Little squirrel! Well, however, men, it is good to pour, tomorrow for work.

*****

On the road the bottle which, the man, kicking lies, breaks about a stone. Naturally from there gin, naturally, is ready to execute one desire. Well, the man zakazyvayet:
-I Want that in the canister beer not zakanchivalos.
dzhin, having conjured, disappears, and the man still tries to open the canister.

*****

At a guest-night the wife long got accustomed to the husband and at last voskliknula:
-It is simply difficult to believe that five glasses of vodka could change so man.
-Forgive, expensive, but I drank only one ryumku.
-Yes, but I drank five.

*****

On Kiyevsky Avenue in a taxi sits down drunk muzhichok:
-In Prostokvashino!
-A it where?
-Where-where? Do not run into a rhyme!

*****

On an office party the man shows to the neighbor on a bottle vodki:
-You as?
nalivayet. Through three ryumki:
-Where are you?
nalivayet. Through three ryumki:
-You who?

*****

On Nevsky Avenue in a taxi sits down drunk muzhichok:
-In Prostokvasheno!
-A it where?
-Where, where? Do not run into a rhyme!

*****

On the suburb of Paris in small cafe the visitor one for another overturns shot glasses with vodka. His neighbor whom the bottle with lemonade faced, did not sustain and said:
-Forgive, and you know, what every third Frenchman because of abuse of alcohol has a liver illness? Me it does not concern
-I Russian.

*****

At a stop there is a cool punk with a huge colorful crest. Nearby there is an old grandfather and thoughtfully looks at him. The punk asks:
-That, old, you stare? Did not learn?
-Yes, granddaughters, did not learn,… long ago it was. Somehow on excite I vye%at a peacock.

*****

On reception at napkologa:
-Drink? I Drink
-, doktop.
-As it is frequent?
-Every day, but happen also hard drinkings.

*****

On passable part of the street the drunk lies. The Citizen approaches it militsionep.
-, get up!
-A where I am? Narva vopot.
-Listen to
-U, make kind business, close them, blows.

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