Jokes about drunks

Read funny Jokes about drunks

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The man goes on the wood. Daty. Suddenly on it the elk runs and forces down the man nazem.
tolko to rise - the bear after an elk runs, forces down the man again and, even without noticing it, runs further. Already angry man breakthrough gets up and sees how on it the hare runs. The man starts smiling mischievously... In a second it appears on the earth, and the hare ubegayet.
i is distributed a voice with nebes:
- The Man here, and the man! You would depart from a roundabout...

*****

The man with a red nose brought the manuscript to the editor. The editor, too with a red nose, slowly thumbs through the manuscript …
-Well as, will take?
-That … the manuscript at you strong, you studied a subject thoroughly, life know to the bottom, and that the most important, matheral passed through own interior more than once.

*****

The man bought a bottle of vodka and herring. Drank vodka and there was a wish on nuzhde
skhodit. And herring it by mistake instead of a pocket in a fly zasunul.
rasstegivayet a fly, and an eye sticks out of it. Turned other party - snova
glaz.
-Well, you will ssat or make eyes?

*****

The man lies in a ditch and stonet:
-Oh!. Oh!. Oh!.
sobralas crowd. Someone ran to call "Ambulance". When hospital attendants wanted to lift the man, that suddenly shouted bad golosom:
-Oh, the guelder-rose in the field at a stream blossoms!

*****

The man got drunk strongly - fell on the street, cops by went, took him for a zhmurik and brought to a mortuary. Next morning the man wakes up, the head cracks, can understand nothing, around people lie and do not move. Suddenly sees - some old woman washes the floor. It at it asks:
-Mummy, where it I?
starushka in otvet:
-In a mortuary, darling, in a mortuary...
MUZHIK:
-A-a-a-a, well then GUTEN MORGEN.

*****

The man comes home nikakoy.
Wife grit: - Saws!
M: - He pil.
zh: - Yes after all drank, admit!
M: - He pil.
zh: - Ho after all you do not stand on the feet. You hold a jamb! Saws, I ask?!
M: - He pil.
zh: - Well, tell - "Gibraltar"...
M: - Saws.

*****

the man comes home the absolutely drunk. his wife and sppashivayet:
-where it you were so fitted?
-yes... you understand... sobrazhali we here on three...
-it from one bottle of vodka so to be fitted?!
-so two did not come …

*****

The man approaches a beer stall and asks a mug piva.
v the answer slyshit:
-Ten rubley
-As?! Only yesterday there were five!
-For servis.
nu could not be done, the man platit.
prodavets hits five rubles back and speaks:
-Beer is not present.

*****

The man on all fours comes home, in a hall him meets Wife:
-Something is necessary? Bring to
-a basin, I will pull out...
Wife in a minute comes back with tazikom:
-On!
-is not necessary Any more. I changed the concept - I was trashed...

*****

The man after a big booze, calls drugu:
-Listen, well we gave yesterday! The biggest trick was when your lemon on a table on legs ran!
-A, so you my canary in tea squeezed out it?

*****

The man takes the friend to the doctor. The friend of the word cannot utter - howls. The doctor asks:
-Chto with it?
MUZHIK:
-Ponimayete, I behind vodka sent it. Fir-trees were scraped up on couple of bubbles, and he, a bough such, noticed some small decanter on the road and bought его!
-Б##! I to it in ж##у would push this small decanter!
So that ask if know?

*****

The man comes to himself home, rings a door. The wife opens:
-Ah you are an alcoholic! Why I married you? Well where your new coat? Again spent on drink, an infection!
-Why spent on drink? Lost!
-A a bottle at you from where?
-Found.

*****

The man comes home drunk at daybreak. Wife:
-You that, sduret? You why were declared home in five mornings?
-Because this only institution which is opened in such time.

*****

The man comes in kabak.
-I here sat yesterday?
-Yes. all salary spent on drink
-Ya?
-Yes. Foo's
-you (with relief sighing)... Thought - lost.

*****

The man comes to shop and asks:
-Tell, you have vodka yesterday fresh was?
-It at us always svezhaya.
-Hm... Strange... I here drank yesterday two bottles, and me so tore, so tore.

*****

The man comes to work with the tied-up hand. The friend asks, what happened?
-Only between us. Drank krepko.
-yesterday And what, fought?
-Well. Behind snack got... in a mousetrap.

*****

The man comes to restaurant and tells ofitsiantu:
-a vodka Decanter, and on yours vkus.
ofitsiant:
- And we will write down something - two decanters of vodka.

*****

The man comes in restoran.
-to me, please, nine glasses of cognac... Thanks. And now move away the first and poslednyuyu.
-Why?
-First badly goes, and with the last I become stupid.

*****

The man came to settle on rabotu.
u him sprashivayut:
- And you to drink the fan?
-Is not present that you! I am a professional.

*****

The man wakes up with a hangover the terrible. Approaches a mirror, long in it looks, then raises a hand and few times it mashet.
-Well... Nonsynchronously...

*****

The man wakes up from a budun. The head hurts. Crack on pockets. Anything is not present. He by the shivering voice asks:
-Men, I after all received a pay yesterday!
zaspanny a voice otvechayet:
-Yes we it propili.
-Fffu, and I thought that lost!

*****

- The man wakes up from the most severe hangover...
smotrit in a mirror....
I speaks:
-All pi@dets to go to work there is nobody......

*****

The man wakes up with an okhrenenny hangover - the head hoots, hand-legged as lead juicy, all body aches, - somehow turns sideways and plaintively so, with an anguish groans: "Sha-arik... Sha - and - Arik... "
podbegayet a dog, whines, licks it in a face. The man as will breathe at him and with the last bit of strength speaks: "LOOK FOR!!!"

*****

The man wakes up since morning, and on a breast You sit barsuk.
-who? You do
-Barsuk.
-A of that here?
-Yes on you drunks, any squirrels will not be enough...

*****

The man wakes up in the morning with a hangover, approaches a mirror, long peers at it, then asks at otrazheniya:
-Want, I will guess, what is your name?

*****

The man on a booze dropped in in a shed. It bryaknutsya in the dark by a head about a crossbeam, came in shit,
poskolznuvshis, fell in a trough with slops for a pig, then received on the head which is broken with steny
lopatoy, there stepped on a rake and chertykhnulsya:
-Well, bl *, directly the fort of "Bayard"!

*****

The man drunk in buffet shouts ofitsiantke:
-Mother, pour 100 grams!
-Yes where to you, sonny, you and so already drunk!
-Well pour 100 grams!
- The Roll you will take to have a snack - nalyyu:
-All right, give the roll and 100 gramm.
muzhik took a pile, drank, reached for a roll and fell to a rack. Raises the head and spitefully speaks:
-You look, mother that your roll did!

*****

The man drunk in a board, comes to the doctor and molvit:
-Doktor, at my wife white goryachka.
-Hm, interestingly and how it is shown?
As, and here so. Houses full of devils, and she does not see them!!!!!

*****

The man drunk as a cobbler comes back home. Somehow finds smart,
eshche with big efforts reaches the apartment. Puts a key in zamochnuyu
skvazhinu, but cannot open a door. Then he calls the neighbor. Tot
otkryvayet a door, and itself too decently poddatyy.
muzhik sosedu:
-Hear Lech, I couples cannot get to the apartment. It is possible I from you on the balcony I will get?
LEKHA:
-Apprx. Perelaz. Only it is careful!!!
muzhik got and in five minutes shouts with balkona:
-Lech, estimate. My wife sleeps with some lover. To do to Che?? To Dump
LEKHA:
-nafig!!!
MUZHIK:
-Why?
LEKHA:
-Because your balcony on the other hand!!!

*****

The man drunk faces on the street the house in the middle nochi.
-LYU-U-U-U-DI! LYU-U-U-U-DI! LYU-U-U-DI! At last someone does not maintain i
vysovyvayetsya from fortochki:
-Well to you, the man?
-What is the time?
-Yes two o'clock in the morning!
-A why do not sleep?

*****

The man decided not to drink, train will power any more. Goes by shop and dumayet:
"I do not enter into shop". Zakhodit.
"We complicate experiment - I enter, but I buy nothing". Buys butylku.
"We complicate experiment - I buy, but I do not open". Otkryvayet.
"We complicate experiment - I open, but I do not pour". Nalivayet.
"We complicate experiment - I pour, but I do not drink". Vypivayet.
"This will - did not want, and drank!"

*****

The man decided to drink, bought vodka and fish on snack. Ry-
BU by mistake instead of a pocket put in a fly. Drank vodka i
vdrug wanted on need. Undoes trousers, and from them an eye vyglya-
dyvat. It turned fish other party - again an eye. It Rasser-
ditsya muzhik:
-Well, we will write or make eyes?

*****

The man decided to get stuck. There is by shop, dumayet:
"Everything, do not enter!" Through 10 meters: "We complicate experiment - I enter, but I buy nothing! "
vkhodit in shop - sees darlings three semerki.
" I Complicate experiment - I buy, but I do not drink!" Bought, brought home, looked: "I complicate experiment - I will pour a glass, but I will not drink! "Complicated. Dalshe:
" I Complicate! In a mouth I will gather - but I will not swallow! "
nabral in a mouth and... swallowed. "Here after all will power!
He was thirsty, and drank!"

*****

The man, having caught otkhodnyak after a good booze rings round the friends sobutylnikov:
-Vas, and Vas, it at you yesterday the lemon on a table jumped?
-Yes went you, and it is so bad... To Sing
-, and to Sing, it at you yesterday the lemon on a table jumped?
-You that, sduret perhaps?
-Kohl, and Kohl, it at you a lemon on a table jumped yesterday?
-A, so it you, the reptile tried to thrust my parrot into tea yesterday?...

*****

The man from a terrible bodun calls in service of exact time. Listened to the general information and shouts in trubku:
- And month, month now what?!

*****

The man gathered for a carnival, dressed up in a suit of a dog and went. On the street pyanyy
zhivoder it is be enough! Also You dragged on zhivodernyu.
-that, the man, let! I on a carnival, year of a dog after all! I Know-know
-, all of you, dogs, so speak...

*****

The man asks at barmena:
-That enters cocktail?
-Sugar, milk and rom.
-Well and how on taste?
-is excellent! Sugar is the force, milk - energy!
- And rum?
-A rum is thoughts where to use force and energy...

*****

The man breaks from the 14th floor, flies down, on the tenth it is enough a hand and speaks:
-you will take In a mouth?
-is not present!
RUKA releases, it flies further, on the seventh it is enough another ruka:
-In an ass you will give?
-Really!
RUKA releases, it flies further. On the fourth floor it is enough a hand, it krichit:
-Both and in a mouth I will take in an ass of ladies!
golos because of okna:
-eb that mother to drink there is nobody here, and here current of PIDARY fly!!!

*****

The man in the morning after a meeting of new year with the swelled-up face, red eyes, unshaven, costs and you look in zerkalo:
- And so what, the person of the 3rd millennium...