Jokes about drunks

Read funny Jokes about drunks

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Night, 3 hours. Call by phone. The owner after yesterday's 15 minutes looks for a tube. Lifts. Tipsy female golosok:
-to Alya, Alexey?
-Is not present...
-Why?!

*****

At night to the bar two drunk men wear out the third, in general the zero. Approach the bartender: - To us on hundred, and to it mineral, it at a wheel...

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At night to the bar two drunk men wear out the third, in general nulevogo.
podkhodyat to barmenu:
-to us on hundred, and to it mineral, it at a wheel...

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At night the GAI officer stops the humpbacked Zaporozhets, looked,
A there 17 drunk in firewood muzhikov.
tot so was stunned, as did not begin to fine. Only, speaks,
chtob in the same structure to me sober yavilis.
nautro start being stamped tomorrow in the car, 16 got, and the 17th, kill with
khot, in any way. The driver and asks:
-Listen or maybe to you with us was not?
semnadtsaty (indignantly):
-of Zdraste! And who to you played a bayan yesterday?

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At night at a door to Winnie- The-Pooh knock. He woke up, opened: on poroge
lezhit dead drunk Piglet and asks:
-Winnie-ik, I am similar-ik to the sexual giant?
vinni, vindictively wiping about it nogi:
-You are similar to a huge polovichok, a pig!

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At night drunk home brings the friend to himself, Starts showing the apartment: Here the drawing room, here kukhnya.
tut here spalnya.
vot ours with the wife krovat.
vot sleeps mine Wife.
a who with it a row there?

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At night I bit a mosquito and instantly died. And laziness was to the fool to look, what nearby three empty bottles of vodka stand?!

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- Well, what? Again yesterday houses the beating was?
-Not that word. On a threshold did not let. At an entrance nocheval.
- The Odd fellow. You before calling, strip to the skin. And as it will open a door, throw the belongings there. Naked will not

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Well, what? Again yesterday houses the beating was?
-Not that word. On a threshold did not let. At an entrance nocheval.
- The Odd fellow. You before calling, strip to the skin. And as it will open a door, throw the belongings there. Naked will not leave at an entrance. On another den.
-Well, my council was useful?
-made Everything as you spoke. Doors opened, I belyishko there - shvark! Here she by others voice loudly speaks: "It is careful, doors are closed. Following station" Mayakovskaya".

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- Well, smart guy, drink?
-Well as to tell you, the doctor... Tell
-honestly! I see, what drink And what you to a pieta?
-Well if to divide the name of this drink into 2 parts, will turn out names zhivotnykh.
-Cognac?
-is exact!
-A as is

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- Well, business by the evening goes. Perhaps deryabny vodka for a sogrev?
-So after all summer outside!
-I that? In the summer the organism is warmed only outside, and inside all the same feels chilly.

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Well, on beer?
-Is not present, I do not drink beer! As I will drink - so in an organism the spring comes...
-That, blood rages?
-Yes not - kidneys bulk up!

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- Well, we will go, we will dilute vodka sokom.
-with What juice?!
-Gastric!

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- Well, and now that brought you into court?
-Two politseyskikh.
-It I and know-it-all. Probably again were pyany.
-Yes, both of them were strongly drunk.

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Well everything, on a liqueur glass and to sleep. Tomorrow to rise rano.
-What for? Tomorrow voskresenye.
-to drink Water...

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- Well, this criminal was easy to be caught, - the officer politsii.
speaks - He cracked the safe, pulled out money from there, drank 5 bottles of vodka,
vykuril a cigarette and left prints paltsev.
-On a bottle?
- On asphalt!

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- Bypassed all cemetery, read inscriptions on ribbons of wreaths: The MOTHER-IN-LAW
OT, FROM the WIFE, FROM NEIGHBOURS, FROM FRIENDS... VODKA
OT still nobody died!!!

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Two fairly tipsy men communicate. One complains to another that when he will drink, his wife home not puskayet.
vtoroy:
- And you do, as I. As soon as the door opens, I to it throw a jacket over the head. So far she does not see in what I a state, am in time proskochit.
-Quite good thought, poprobuyu.
spustya two more bottles went on houses. That decided to try, approaches to the door. Knocked. The door opened. Quickly takes off a jacket and throws, but does not get. Without thinking twice, takes off a shirt and throws at a door. Again not popal.
-Devil!!!
delat nothing, took off trousers and threw into a door. The door was closed, the trolleybus left.

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Society anonymous alkogolikov:
"www.1russia.ru"

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Announcement: The hereditary alcoholic in the third generation. I will help to remove dependence on any coding.

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One drunk tells drugomu:
-Vas, guess a riddle: around water, and in the middle law? I do not know
-…
-Is the prosecutor bathes!

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One drunk tells drugomu:
-Vas, give we to you laces we will buy!
vtoroy (with astonishment):
-A on a fig they to me?
-So... we will wash purchase!

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One drunk tells drugomu.
- At my wife birthday today, and I do not know that to her podarit.
- And you come home trezvym.
- And, to a nu … generally date not round …

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One drunk speaks drugomu:
-Eh, Vasya, here if to return all money which is spent on drink for all life … to
drugoy otvechayet:
-Yes, ooh and we would get drunk now with you!

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One drunk dpugomu:
-Sam, and what to take us for dinner?
-A there, in kitchen, a meat bottle …

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One bukharik wanted to be caught up. Outside noch.
vse shops are closed. Some grandma with a bubble stoit:
- The Grandma, how much a vodyar sees?
-Fifty-kopeck piece, piece of chalk. You will want more, call on it telefonu.
alkash took away a bubble, came tearing along home, opened, poured,
vypil - pure voda.
v rage dials number, and tam:
- The Person on duty of a water utility listens....

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One bukhar grit drugomu:
-Well, a pancake, and a hokhm left. Yesterday the drunk dispersed after my day rozhdeniya.
kak it is necessary - on a breast took. Then - "one for the road". Put the niece in the elevator, the aunt - in the subway. To Vityukhiny "goat" called a taxi by phone and carried out to the car. All made according to Hoyle. And this morning...
NU, a pancake, I go nuts! In the morning I remembered that in our city there is no subway, and in the house - neither phone, nor the elevator …

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One for all and all for one, - musketeers cried, chipped in together and redeemed Partosa from a sobering-up station.

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One friend to another hvastayetsya:
-I here recently on - excite the cop deceived!
-As it?
-A are cost here by me in the middle of the street and a sou, and it approaches me and speaks: "What it for a disgrace such? Immediately to hide and stop!", and I hid, but did not stop.

*****

Speaks to one another: "Listen, I go yesterday down the street, I drink beer, and here I meet the friend. well, we with it on beer, go, we stir, decided to come into a vegetable marrow, well, on a stoparik, another there, left, we go further, took on a longer, and then suddenly the vsponinay: yes right there the friend our old lives! Well, came to it, drank on beer, then solved wine good to drink and suddenly our friend speaks: "Yes at me here still costs konyachek the good...! Well we tasted, chatted and left. Also you represent, then I poisoned with oatmeal cookies.....""

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One complains drugomu:
-Such now uncivilized people went! Yesterday, when left a pothouse, to me all hands crushed.

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One young driver as will drink, eternally on drunk matter in accident got. And here his elderly workmate drinks and twice more though time would be knocked! To
prosit young soveta:
-Petrovich, teach how you drunk without accidents go?
-Well put liter, nauchu.
vypili on dvoikh.
stary a finger pokazyvayet:
-How many fingers you see liter?
-DVA.
-E-e should be added, a little! Added still litr.
snova palets:
- And now how many you see?
-Three!
-In! Let's roll!
SELI in a wheelbarrow, old for rul.
edet and pouchayet:
-Here you see, three grandmas cross the road? Average - real. We go round. You see, three beaten wheelbarrows developed? Average - real. We go round!
obradovalsya molodoy:
-All! Acquired! Thanks, Petrovich, give me a wheel now!
SEL for a wheel, poyekhal:
-Ta-ak, three bridges! Average - real! We go round!

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One man vanished on pothouses, despite constant reproaches of the wife all the time. Once to it posovetovali:
-Than to reproach him, be with him lovely, tender, to him the husband will be more pleasant to come domoy.
vecherom is declared drunk, but the wife meets him we will kiss, feeds with a tasty dinner, then sits down nearby and starts kissing, laskat.
potom it shepchet:
-Darling, already late, maybe, we will pass into a bedroom?
-Is possible that there, - the husband answers, - houses to me already all the same from the wife will fly...

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One man speaks drugomu:
-You every day more and more become similar to the alcoholic!
-It why?
-Yes at you a hand shiver when you bring a bucket with vodka to a mouth!!!

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One man at another on a visit - sit, drink. Vodka ended and dengi
tozhe. The owner speaks:
-I Will go I will print money. In the neighboring room at it small printing stanok.
napechatal. Bought vodka. Drink further. And so several times. On following den
vyzyvayut the owner in FSB:
- So means - money it is printed???
-Not, it not the press. It is an ironing press. I there put in advance notes,
ON of a denyuzhka smoothes, and they as new stanovyatsya.
- And why it to you???
-That the nobility with whom it is possible to drink!

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One man complains drugomu:
-Such people went nekulturnyy.
vykhozhu from a pothouse yesterday, and some reptile to me stepped on an ear.

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One man suddenly started writing with cognac. Was delighted, filled all capacities in dome.
sidit, thinks whether not to call to it friends. Called. The man comes. Strained off to it a glass, that poproboval:
-Listen, really cognac! Pour to me still!
-He, men, everything, now from a throat.

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One man decided to train will power. The man liked to drink therefore decided to buy a bottle of vodka and by no means not to drink it. Bought a bottle, put in the refrigerator, the happy goes on the apartment. Then listened to himself, thinks: "Somehow slowly will power trains". Decided to put a bottle on a table and not to drink at all. Put vodka on a table, sat down nearby, looks at it. Feels - something slowly process goes. Decided to pour vodka in a glass and for anything not to drink. Poured, sits - does not drink. Decided to train will power on the full - to gather vodka in a mouth and not to swallow at all! Took a glass, gathered in a mouth, sits, does not swallow … Well, thinks, pumped over will power!.
utrom wakes up the man under a table and dumayet:
-Here that will power means! DID NOT WANT, And GOT DRUNK!

*****

One visitor of bar addresses to another: "You do not know why they have so cheap beer? "
vtoroy: "Will understand when learn the prices on visit of a toilet".