Jokes about drunks

Read funny Jokes about drunks

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The young come to the REGISTRY OFFICE to undersign. Registrar asks:
- And you were well prepared for so important vital step?
-Of course, - are answered by the groom. - Bought 10 liters of vodka, 30 bottles of wine and 5 liters of alcohol.

*****

The husband becomes hollow home the drunk. The wife is enough a broom - and on his muzzle, on morde:
-That, cattle?! You will drink? You will drink?!
-of N-not I will be... The last time I ask
-Ya - You will be?!
-N-well... N-pour!

*****

The husband brings home the new TV. The wife asks:
- And why it on packing is drawn a shot glass?
-It means that purchase should be washed...

*****

The husband came back home and speaks zhene:
-Guess, what at me in the right pocket on the letter "p"?
-Pay!!!
-did not guess, half of liter. And what at me in the left pocket on the letter "y"?
-???
-of Yshchyo one bottle!

*****

husband :
-you see, freaks sit?
Wife:
-Well why freaks? Ordinary men, sit, drink. You them even not znayesh.
husband :
-to me their eyes not nravyatsya.
Wife:
-Eyes as glaza.
husband :
-Yes! Here I now will approach and I will ask to pour to me, will see what eyes they at me will look - freaks.

*****

The husband speaks zhene:
-I now will go to bed, I when will want to drink, you wake me.

*****

The husband speaks zhene:
-Imagine, there is a camel can the whole week not pit.
-Eh, surprised than, - the wife answered, - here if you for about a week did not drink.

*****

The husband zhene:
-Darling I here to the colleague for a minute run!
-Aha, for a minute! You will come at night, drunk!.
husband leaves. Comes at night, drunk in stelku:
-Well, the stinker, cawed?

*****

The husband zhene:
-Well at last I received zarplatu.
-Well and where it?
-Yes here on the way home drank a glass of beer.

*****

The husband got drunk, and that the wife did not notice, decided to jam a smell. Gorged on everything that near at hand was: onions, garlic, cologne, etc. Comes home, calls. The wife because of a door: "Who there?". Husband: "I". Wife: "Again the drunk?". Husband: "As glass". Wife: "And well, breathe into a keyhole!". The husband breathed. The wife, having kept silent: "Hear, Vanya, you a mouth breathe!"

*****

The husband comes home drunk, all in lipstick at night, a shirt of a rastegnut, a tie on a back from under trousers stick out female trusy.
Wife opens a door. asks:
-That, you think home a dense forest?
husband , is drunk having waved rukoy:
-Depart, I behind a guitar.

*****

The husband who late came back home justifies before zhenoy:
-Understand, expensive, at us in club passed the competition "Who Will Drink Beer Most" today.
-is interesting! - the wife interrupts. - And who took the second place?

*****

The husband late comes back home. Tries to open a door. Unsuccessfully. The wife leans out from okna:
-Again lost a key, the drunk? Now I will dump svoy.
- The Key I did not lose. And you dump a keyhole better.

*****

The husband late is filled up home drunk at night and falls. With utra
Wife with anger speaks:
-That you drank yesterday? I could not tear off you from a floor!
husband in uzhase:
-Really glue?

*****

The husband comes home on brovyakh.
Wife zakipayet:
-Again got drunk!
-Yes that you! Only two glasses of beer. You trust He?
VOT at Bugs sprosi.
Wife addresses to sobake:
- The Bug, how many the owner of beer drank?
-of Gav! Gav! Vodka
-A?
-U-u-u!

*****

The husband comes home drunk very much pozdno.
Wife:
-Where you were?
-of Lyusya, I was on a cemetery...
-That happened?! Someone died?
-of Lyusya, you will not believe - there all dead...

*****

The husband comes home drunk - well simply any!
Wife opens a door and begins rugatsya:
-Ah, you to drag, ah, you a reptile, an infection, a padla, a goat, the cretin! Ah, you, a worm in a space suit!!!
vdrug from the room runs out rebenok:
-Mothers, you called me????

*****

The husband comes home at daybreak dead drunk. The wife did not lay down, eyes red, all on nervakh.
-Ty where was, the freak?! I rang round all hospitals, all mortuaries!
husband braiding yazykom.
-Chto wanted to learn quicker, what I at last died?

*****

The husband came to advokatu.
-I Want to divorce with zhenoy.
- And what happened?
-Yes it is dragged every day on restaurants and pothouses!
-Really such drunkard?!
-Well, for me searches.

*****

The husband asks from the wife: - Give three rubles! Wife: - I will not give, you will spend on drink. Left for work. Comes back in the evening - geese are not present, the husband pyanyy.
-Where geese?
-On the South departed. You will not give three rubles - and rams will go to mountains!

*****

The husband wakes up after a booze and asks zhenu:
-Clean pidzhak.
-Already pochistila.
-Clean trousers!
-Pochistila.
-Clean shoes!
-A that, and in shoes pockets is?.

*****

The husband drunk comes back home, the wife swears why again drank so mnogo.
-Yes, a little, took only a bottle on troikh.
-Why you such drunk?
-Two did not come.

*****

The husband drunk comes domoy.
Wife shouts at him: - You though in garage parked the car?
-Ch-ch-chastichno.

*****

The husband drunk comes home. The wife krichit:
-You bought bread to it?
-drank Wine of saws, beer of saws, vodka of saws, port..... HLEBAKU did not drink...

*****

The husband gathers for work and speaks zhene:
-Most likely tonight will be burya.
-If come back home sober, there will be no storm, the wife reacts.

*****

The husband is going ukhodit.
Wife to be angry: - Again you will come the drunk at night!
B three o'clock in the morning is distributed a call, the drunk husband becomes hollow and shouts spitefully: - Well, cawed!

*****

The man decided to get stuck. Goes by shop, dumayet:
-Everything, I do not enter! metpov:
-we Complicate
chepez 10 eksperement - I enter, but I buy nothing!
vkhodit in shop - sees darlings three semepki.
-I Complicate eksperement! I buy - but I do not drink!
kupil, brought home, posmotpel:
-I Complicate eksperement-I will pour in a glass, but I will not drink!
uslozhnil. Dalshe:
-I Complicate! In a mouth I will gather - but I will not swallow!
habpal in a mouth and... sglotnul.
-In will power! He was thirsty after all, and drank!

*****

The male drunk comes to the folk healer...
-of Bl, forces is not present, the carpenter I was, the highest class, and now, blya, well I cannot, kolotit
vsego, hands shiver, life is not present, code, and!
-So, give, undress, absolutely, so... (and the felsher healthy as the bull, puts a v
kolenno-elbow position and makes the act of a sodomy), well, blya if still raz
vypyesh, I WILL TELL ALL VILLAGE...

*****

The man with a hangover went for beer. Approaches a stall, and there the plate hangs and says that beer is not present. Man angry, angry, loud golosom:
-PIVAA NEEET, PIVAA NEEEET! could not, perhaps quietly write: beer net.
(the termination to read quietly and peaceful)

*****

The man from a big bodun comes to a porch in the morning. The neigbour runs up to it and complains that his Rex bit to death several of her hens. The man long stood in thought, then vymolvil:
-Rex is not guilty. Kurey it is necessary to bind!

*****

The man rolls in a ditch in a pose of an unclear letter and groans (all well pryamo
nikakoy):
-O - about - about - oh!. About - about - about - oh!. About - about - about - oh!.
sobralas tolpen. Napuzhatsya. You never know, suddenly man specifically pedali
otkidyvayet. Htoy flocked to call "Ambulance". When sanitary
nachali to load it, that hoba-on suddenly as will splash hands:
-About - about - about - oh!. About - about - oh tsve-e-e-e- Thetas of kalina-a-a-a-aa in a field-eee at a stream!

*****

The man comes back home in an ass the drunk. The wife with tears puts him to bed, undresses. Takes off pants, and at the man the condom is put on. The wife thinks: "Ah you swine!", took and thrust to it this condom into a bum. The man wakes up in the morning, goes to a toilet. The sad-sad comes back. The wife maliciously asks:
-That, again yesterday with friends of saws?
muzhik is sad otvechayet:
- There are no more friends at me...

*****

The man comes back home drunk in passatizhi.
Wife:
-You that so long home went to 2 o'clock in the morning? What, road long?
-Is not present, streets wide!

*****

The man comes back from hunting in dupel
pyany and tells zhene:
-Well everything, the wife, month can not buy some meat!
-Yes really filled up an elk?
-Is not present, a pay spent on drink.

*****

The man comes back from work - at an entrance costs, being unsteady, pyanyy:
- At, rogatenkiya...
NU that from the drunk you will take. The man kept silent. Next day - to
zhe most. And once again. He does not maintain, and tells the wife about etom
nastyrnom the drunk. The next day drunk reproachfully threatens it paltsem:
- At, rogatenkiya, you also the informer...

*****

The man gets up morning after and and hoarse golosom:
- The Ball, Sharik
pribegayet a doggie, starts licking the owner and poskulivat.
muzhik breathed it in mordu:
-LOOK FOR the BALL...

*****

The man in a board the drunk approaches the cop and asks:
-As to me to reach the station?
-Aaa-aa, it is necessary for you directly, directly and pryamo.
-Oh, I will not reach...

*****

The man complains drugomu
- The Wife absolutely exhausted me: as I go home, so she costs at a door and speaks: Breathe! Both will guess alcohol and leaves at a door nochevat.
- And you drink "Solntsedar" it for anything will not guess... - Well as, helped?
-Is not present, I come it means home, as usual: "Breathe!". I breathed. After some thought the wife also speaks to me: "Breathe through the mouth, I told a mouth!"

*****

The man comes into shop. Moves on the parties a nose and asks at prodavshchitsy:
- And that it at you fake smells? Itself I will not understand
-, vodka to us only after a lunch has to be brought...