Jokes about drunks

Read funny Jokes about drunks

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Down the street there is a young woman with a beautiful figure. Behind nagonyaet
pyany muzhchina.
-Girl! Where you took such beautiful legs?
ONA is wrapped: "In gift shop".
-A a muzzle to you that, in distance loading?

*****

Down the street there is an astounding girl, feet from ears, the bust any minute will drop out. Also conducts with itself a doggie. Here on it the man drops out of bar drunk in dupel: - Where you conduct this to a bough?! - Forgive the man, it not a bough, this is a dog!!! - And I at it also sparshivat.

*****

Down the street there are two drunk, towards to them tolpa.
-Let's them cut, - offered odin.
-Well...
A if they to us?
-A to us for what?!

*****

According to the specified theory of a historical matheralism between sotsializmom
i communism the intermediate stage - alcoholism is inevitable.

*****

At daybreak the husband comes back home and speaks with zhenoy:
-Understand expensive. At first we with friends went to drink pivo.
-Oh, my superman! - answers Wife
- And then went to look futbol.
-Oh, my superman!
-A then uzhinali.
-Oh, my superman!
husband not vyderzhal:
-Why you call me the superman all the time?
-Because only supermen put on pants on trousers.

*****

The tipsy young man, hardly concentrating a look on a magnificent breast neznakomki:
-you as call?
-Katya!
paren smiles, translates a view of another grud:
- And the second?

*****

The tipsy husband comes domoy.
-Where you were?! I all night long did not close eyes! - snatches on it Wife.
husband ustalo:
- And you think, I slept?.

*****

The Poddaty man incidentally came on the ballet. Sat down and fell asleep. In the middle of a performance wakes up and dzholgo cannot understand where it. Then points a finger at a scene and asks soseda:
-That zhto?
-"Spartak" .
vnimatelno looks at a scene and after a pause sets question :
- And why Titov does not play?
-So it is disqualified for a dope.

*****

The drunk man approaches to the door and zvonit.
-Who there in a board? - Zinka, it I answers female golos.
-, open suka.
-I not Zina.
-Well, all right, Klavk open zaraza.
-I not Klava.
-Listen the WIFE, can the cities we will play?

*****

The daughter (To) approaches the father (Pa): (To) - the Father, guess a riddle: Dzyn-dzyn,
myau-meow? (Pa) - Well... Yes... I do not know. (To) is a tram of a kitten crushed. A
DZYN-dzyn, gav-gav? (Pa) - Probably similar accident with a doggie?
(To) - Well, it you from work the drunk came!

*****

The man approaches the subway and the militiaman wants zayti.
stoit and not puskayet.
-Well let...
-Is not present, you pyan.
-Well let though once posmotret.
- And you that, never saw, perhaps? You me never also did not start up
-A.

*****

Train Vilnius-Moscow. In kupe the Russian and the Lithuanian sit, the Russian words does not understand in Lithuanian, the Lithuanian - words in Russian. Two go hour, three... Russian gets a bottle of vodka and two glasses, pours on a floor of a glass and stretches to the Lithuanian. The Lithuanian looked at the Russian and speaks:
- At Taip ir padvesti galima! (in Russian - "and it is possible to die") .
Ha that Russian to it and otvechayet:
-Well on 200, so on 200!

*****

Late evening the conventual passes by a tavern. Suddenly from dverey
vybegayet the drunk man, forces down it from feet and starts beating. Through neskolko
minut the conventual does not give life signs. The man, otdyshavshis:
-Not so you is also cool, Batman!

*****

Late at night sir Henry comes back home drunk as a cobbler. Berimor opens for him doors. Sir Henry shouts from the last sil:
-Berimor, bring me a basin, I will vomit!
-Sir, but your same family estate?!
-Berimor, bring me a basin, or I obbly all walls here!!!
berimor hastily runs away for tazikom.
through three minutes it again appears already with a basin. Sir Henry costs reeling and with satisfaction ulybayetsya:
-Berimor, the concept changed, I usratsya!

*****

Late comes home at night drunk, carefully tries not to rustle. But dropped a stool, something broke. On noise ran out the wife, deti.
-"Well, without folder it is not slept, huh?"

*****

Late at night the drunk husband comes back home. In the dark falls on a ladder and in blood hurts a bum. On tiptoe makes the way to a pier glass, bares a bum and pastes a plaster. In the morning Wife:
-Again yesterday came the drunk? You took
-C of that? Who all pier glasses the prastyry stuck
-A?

*****

Late at night two drunk friends become hollow to the house of one of nikh.
-It is my house. Here the hall, here the dining room, and is a bedroom. You see a bed? It is my bed. And the woman that in a bed, is my wife. And near it it I lie.

*****

- Let's go we will buy vodka, we will mix it with juice!
-C what juice?
-C gastric.

*****

The alcoholic caught a goldfish and started it smothering...

*****

Winnie- The-Pooh caught somehow a goldfish. Well it to it, of course, "Release supposedly three desires I will grant as soon as you them to yourself in the head think". Kind Winnie, of course, let out the big fish and went dalshe.
vidit - on a bench men sit, beer pyyut.
"Beer now!" - Winnie, and right there at him in hands a half liter glass of beer okazalas.
idet further, towards to him Piglet thought: "Hi, Winnie! Oh! Winnie! And where you beer took, I too want!...
OY! Winnie! And where it I went?"

*****

The man caught a goldfish, and she speaks to him human golosom:
-Release me, please, and I for it will execute three of your desires!
muzhik thought, and speaks:
- The First: I want that I ceased to be disturbed alcoholic gallyutsionatsii.
vtoroye... Op-pa and where you got to, a goldfish???

*****

The grandma gold rybku.ta ey
i govopit:
-ny caught, che it is necessary to you, old? I want
-Ya that my grandfather could vypolnyat
cvoi desires every day!
-Het of problems!
ppishla home grandma, lo and behold-ctoit
pocpedi rooms of camogonnyy
appapat!

*****

Germans of our scout caught somehow time. Well, it the person stubborn appeared. They it in a gas chamber. Well, it, of course, rests, to a door clings. And in a chamber the addict sits and is so plaintive stonet:
-You, the man be defined: there or here, and that a high vykhodit.

- the Neighbour: Kolya, I am called, it is necessary urgently for work, cause, and I drive moonshine, finish protsess.
-That I when did not drive, what to do to me?
-Neighbour: I will explain everything, only banks to set up you and water menyat.
poshel Kohl on water, and matter in rural areas, water in a well,
vozvrashchayetsya, and in the apartment of the neighbor sit two menta.
- And, here and was caught, write the explanatory. Kohl and napisal.
v otdelenii:
-Here, caught a samogonovarilshchik, here objyasnitelnaya.
- And you read it? Read
-Konechno.
-vslukh.
ya went on water, I come back, and the neighbor from the apartment has a smoke,
kogda opened a door, saw that in the apartment of the neighbor two militsionera
varyat samogon.

*****

Until the beauty saved the whole world, Russia should escape vodka.

*****

The buyer addresses to prodavtsu:
-Exchange to me the strong evil on zhidkoye.
-That, what? Not ponyal.
- And how such dull keep in trade? Take money and give me vodka in exchange!

*****

The buyer - the shop assistant perfumery otdela:
-Why it at you cologne "Russian Wood" without labels?
-A to you not all the same?
-It to you all the same, and me on a table to put!

*****

The drunk man round a well creeps and is silent bormochet:
-If in five minutes this fence does not come to an end - it will be necessary to perelazit...

*****

The drunk man on the sidewalk creeps. And about each column the head stukayetsya.
k it suits another muzhik:
-Perhaps to you to help?
-Aga. Count, how many at me on a forehead shishek.
-Six!
- Then is normal. Two more columns, and I houses.

*****

– What will turn out if to cross the woman And vodka? Its
-it will be possible to think for three...

*****

- I remember, in youth, happened, easily drank a beer bucket, and now here only half-buckets... What, health absolutely weak became?
Not, the muzzle further the middle does not prolazit!

*****

- I remember, in youth, happened, as not figs to do a beer bucket drank, and now here only half-buckets I can...
-That, health absolutely weak became?
-Not, the muzzle further the middle does not prolazit!

*****

Monday. Morning. The turn for pivom.
ryadom for a birdie is stolen koshka.
vdrug the turn leaves the man and gives it a huge kick. Turn nedoumevayet:
-For what you it?
muzhik ogryzayetsya:
- And so the head from a budun cracks, and here it still BOOM, BOOM, BOOM.

*****

The Russian, the Englishman and the Frenchman on the desert island get. They are caught by savages. The leader tells a task: who will pour a bottle on three equal parts - to that a gold bag and if is not present - we will cut off ears. The Englishman poured exactly an hour, savages dragged electronic scales: in two glasses it is identical, in the third more. Cut off to the Englishman ears. The Frenchman poured two hours on a ruler - into two equally, in the third it is less. To it also ears cut off. Russian poured in 15 seconds. The leader fell on knees and zakrichal:
-O, Great to Manit, I will give you three more bags of gold, only tell how you do it?
russky sighed and speaks:
-Life forced, on your nasty island ears offend, and at us for it at once a head tear off!

*****

Having tried the beer bought in a beer stall, the buyer angrily voskliknul:
-You that diluted this beer with water?!
prodavshchitsa:
-Well that got noisy, I after all from you do not take money for water.

*****

- Amazingly, - the doctor is surprised, - how you managed to nasazhat so many splinters in language?
-You see - hardly are uttered by the patient, - came to the neighbor of vodka to drink. The shot glass turned over on a table, and it appeared new, not

*****

Portland. Oregon. 60 thousand Russians. Locals already know that the brine from cucumbers is impossible vylivat.
no do not know yet why.

*****

The visitor of bar, addressing to barmenu:
-I always put in a pocket a note with the address on that case that in case of intoxication I could be brought domoy.
- And what you write there?
-Paris, boulevard Montmartre...
-But you live in Chelyabinsk!
-I Live in Chelyabinsk. But few times brought to Paris!.

*****

The visitor in the bar tries the given beer and calls up ofitsianta.
-you that gave me, beer or slops?
-A you that, cannot distinguish?
-HET.
- Then what it matters?

*****

The visitor in the bar asks:
- The Bartender, tell, you still had that wine which I drank here last week?
-Yes. Konechno.
-Well, then give me a beer bottle.