Jokes about drunks

Read funny Jokes about drunks

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The visitor - ofitsiantu:
-Sorry, but in my beer swims mukha.
-My God, what petty people went! - the waiter explodes. - Well beer one fly how many can drink?

*****

The visitor of restaurant calls up ofitsianta:
-Kind, and bring me one more decanter of vodka!
-Perhaps is not necessary? In a decanter which on a table, even more poloviny.
-Bear, bear. The presentiment torments me that when I will drink up this, I will not be able articulately to order its one.

*****

The visitor sits in the bar and whips one shot glass for drugoy.
potom takes out an alarm clock from a pocket and puts before himself. Ofitsiant:
-It what for?
posetitel:
-That the nobility when it is time for me domoy.
-Aaaaa...
posetitel continues to drink. Once again looks at an alarm clock, rises, being unsteady, and pushes an alarm clock back in karman.
ofitsiant:
-That, it is time?
-Yes, already two...
-Two hours?
-Two alarm clocks!

*****

After New year two meet muzhika:
-Well how celebrated a holiday? I know
-He, me yet not raskazyvali...

*****

After a bodun the man calls drugu:
-I Wake up this morning - I lie on a carpet, and the carpet on a wall hangs...

*****

After a cognac bottle conversation turns into information leakage.

*****

After a party the man asks the priyatelya:
-However, that yesterday Vasya fell in a barrel with beer? Yes.
-It did not choke with
-?
-What there! It two times got out for a vobla!

*****

After the drunk liter any vodka becomes fake.

*****

After performance of a choral siksest in honor of actors the banquet on which all were fine taken was arranged. When all six began to take seat in the double car to come back home, chorus
rukoDriver said:
-Charlie, the car will be led by you. You are too drunk to sing.

*****

After good binge the husband is declared home moreover and conducts - with himself priyatelya.
-Again got drunk! - the wife shouts, - You are a cretin! Repeat
-two more times, - You ask husband .
- The cretin! You are a cretin! Here you see
-, what wife, obedient at me, - with pride speaks the husband to the friend.

*****

After a friendly party one of its participants, the photographer by profession, takes the friend to themselves in atelye.
-Dr-r-ru... zhi... shche!. You are m - can make to me group... photo... grafiya?
-Kohn-nechno! Pozh-zh-zhaluysta... get up half of onions-ru-gom!.

*****

After vodka liter language will not turn to refuse to the girlfriend sex.

*****

After numerous arrivals home on eyebrows the wife puts to the husband ultimatum:
-As will come later, die in a keyhole. If there is a smell - will not let!
A here as time pay. Friends, naturally, in trouble do not leave, one advised a muscat nut, another - a laurel leaf, the third - Stimorol and the Double mint... The man, having fairly loaded and having taken ALL advice of friends, comes crawling home. The wife through door:
-Vanya, breathe!
-X-X-X-A-A-A!...
-of Wan! Well you not small! Put on trousers and breathe a mouth!...

*****

After leaving school solved somebody means to enter the institute well and went s
prekami to watch institutes: They come to MGIEM, and there about it 5 pyanykh
valyaetsya, well solved that will not approach. They come in Bauman and there 10
pyanykh, too does not approach, well they reached to MSU and there 20 drunk, nu
mamasha well and speaks "We will not go and here" one of drunk raising the head: "Well i
pravilno go better to us to MGIEM"

*****

After the next shot glass the guy complains priyatelyu:
-Know how I will drink - on a body there are blue spots... My
-U too character still that...

*****

After celebration of New year two meet muzhika:
-Well how celebrated a holiday? Yes I do not know
-, I was not told yet...

*****

After a booze with friends in a tavern, having met them in the evening, one rasskazyvayet:
-I Wake up in the morning - I lie on a carpet, and the carpet on a wall hangs.

*****

After Edik broke a corkscrew, Kohl - tooth, and Yura - a finger, girls ceased to show off and began to drink vodka.

*****

After withdrawal from presidents of the USSR Gorbachev arrived on giving and got drunk from a grief at the neighbor - the simple worker. The next morning he with the swelled-up physiognomy, a lapse of memory and a terrible headache approaches a mirror and does not see in it habitual reflection darling pyatna.
-Ry! What did I do yesterday? Where my birthmark?!
-of Saws with the neighbor. Here from it also ask! It to sosedu:
-Listen to
prikhodit, the friend, my spot was gone... You do not know because of what? So it you at yourself in the Kremlin got used to begin
-with cognac, cognac and to finish. And we with you began with cognac yesterday, and finished with stain remover!

*****

The last toast on vecherinke:
-Let salad to us we will be down!

*****

- Listen, Vasya, borrow me two hundred dollars on a shot glass to cognac! What
-C is a time the shot glass to cognac costs so much?
-A to me, your way, to go to restaurant in this tatter?

*****

Argued as that the Russian and the American at whom otkhodnyak huzhe
amerikanets speaks: "I if after a booze drive the car, my hands shiver and I cannot go. "
Ha that the Russian answers: "At me was otkhodnyak it when you wake up on a wastebasket, and the crow of egg pecks that, and you cannot tell KYSh."

*****

Argued the taxi driver (T) with the pilot (L) at whom work is more dangerous, anybody than anybody ubedit
nemog. The l - is shorter, come to me for work tomorrow, you will see all. Sadyatsa oni
v plane... - I Give l 100. Abruptly disperses, chutl not a smesta in air. Vadile
pofig. - I Give l 300! Dispersal, bends over the earth! Drove glances po
storonam. - I Give l 500! Includes a forcing! Twists twirls by plane as can! Nol
emotsy. L (Flying in fog) - Visibility 0 I go on devices! Sits down ostanavlivayas
pered the building! In - Well it is interesting. Tomorrow I wait for you! Climbed in posharponoye
taksi. Go slowly. In (getting a vodyara bottle from under a seat) - I Give 100!
otkhlebyvayet. L - You that okhrenet! In (Drinking still) - I Give 200! L - Tarmozi of a trestle,
NA vsrechny left! In (finishing drinking) - I Give 500! L - Tarmozi the drunk! At moshiny
otkryvayetsya a cowl. In - Visibility 0 I go on devices! L - What devices!
zavorachivay! Turn! In - Negoni! To a zavorot of 2 kopeks remained.

*****

Three drunks at whom more hands shiver argued somehow. speaks:
-I so far a glass will pour the first, prolivayu.
vtoroy otvechayet:
- And I so far a glass pour half-bottles, three bottles ukhodit.
- And I, - tells the third, - so far to a poss, three times I finish.

*****

In the middle of a field there is a birch, and about it fight dvoye:
-Here two berezy.
-Are not present, here chetyre.
tut appears militsioner:
-Children that fight, a grove trample down?

*****

The yacht suffered ship-wreck, only one Irish sailor escaped, having caught a mast fragment. In couple of days took out it on the desert island. Living creatures it was full there so survived...
one day he caught crabs on the sandy coast and suddenly saw the copper jug which is thrown out by a surf. It lifted it, erased a salt raid, and suddenly from a jug puffs went and there was a gin!
-You got out me of a thousand-year imprisonment, about mister! - told gin in pure English. - For it I will grant your any three desires!
irlandets was delighted: - Well, first, it want to appear at home in Dubline.
dzhin clicked fingers, and the Irish came to be in the apartment on the suburb of Dublin, and a jug with gin near nim.
-it is healthy! - the Irish exclaimed. - Secondly, I want a bottle of cold beer of Ginness, only that beer in it never came to an end!
DZHIN clicked fingers, and the bottle of beer covered with hoarfrost appeared in a hand at the Irish. It was right there put to it and not less than half an hour pulled beer. Having got drunk in plenty, it with satisfaction rygnul.
-Well, mister what your last desire will be? - asked gin. - You want to become the rich man? President? Movie star?
-Neo, - were told by the Irish. - I want one more just the same bottle!

*****

Why beer leaves quicker than water? - Because water still needs to change color, and to beer is not present. - And why the "Klin" beer leaves quicker than another? - Because it does not need even to change taste.

*****

Why you exceeded speed? I wanted to reach quickly the house earlier, than vodka will start working.

*****

The drunk with a dog went fishing and caught gold rybku.
-Release me, the drunk, I will execute three any desires...
-Oh, is cool! To me to a beer flank, a dog a bone, and then dry up.

*****

The man with a dog went for a walk, returned in the evening, drunk as a cobbler. The wife oret:
-Again got drunk, the freak, cattle!
-Yes you that, I drank only two glasses of beer. Ask Doggy, to lie an animal not budet.
-Doggy, well how many he beer drank?
-of Gav, gav! Vodka
-A?
-U-u-u …

*****

The man with a dog went fishing and caught gold rybku.
zolotaya rybka:
-Release me, the man, I will execute three any desires...
-Oh, is cool! To me to a beer flank, a dog a bone, and then dry up.

*****

The poet talks to the friend, inveterate alkogolikom:
-Lyubov, she such many-sided. And it seems it is bitter on taste, but we reach for it nearly all the life. From it it is pleasant to us, but sometimes plokho.
-Well you are direct as about vodka in a glass.

*****

There was a new Churovka vodka. It differs from usual vodka only in structure: 49% of alcohol and 74% of water.

*****

- However, that yesterday Jules fell in a barrel with Vermouth? Yes.
-It did not choke with
-?
-What there! It two times got out behind snack!

*****

Representatives of the different people gathered at a table in restaurant. All ordered on a wine glass but when brought wine, it appeared that in each glass mukha.
shved demanded new wine in the same stakan.
anglichanin - new wine in new stakan.
finn took out a fly and drank vino.
russky drank wine together with mukhoy.
kitayets ate a fly, but wine ostavil.
evrey caught a fly and sold her kitaytsu.
tsygan drank two thirds of a glass and asked it zamenit.
norvezhets took a fly and went to catch tresku.
irlandets crushed a fly in wine and sent a glass anglichaninu.
amerikanets began trial against restaurant and demanded 65 million dollars in compensation moral ushcherba.
shotlandets grabbed a fly for a throat and cried: "Now to hell you will spit out everything that drank!" "Macho's"
(substitute necessary itself) shouted that it is intrigues of social democrats, set to the waiter a knife, did not drink naturally some wine as it is female drink and loudly questioned, why do not bear the ordered vodka long ago.

*****

Represent how it would be remarkable if spam came to real life? You sit at home - You thump. Call to a door: "Mail". You open - and there not mail, and whores!

*****

Imagine the picture "Last Day Pompeii"? Running people, horror na
glazakh... Goes drunk on art gallery and the Last day Pompeii stops near kartiny
"". Costs, gets accustomed and utters: "Erase (look,
raskazchika comment) everything got, a pancake".

*****

Represent, my father learned, what I smoke …
-I that?
-He forced to smoke me the whole pack of cigarettes …
-Well, and what? Smoked? Everything is normal?
-Yes, is normal. Now I wait when he learns that I drink.

*****

Present, you lived 80 years of pious life, die, on the deathbed in an environment of relatives and friends (even pupils)... Round you the trekhglazy aliens who are pulling out a balbulyator from your seven-dead paws ask
through of 5 minutes: "Well as torknut? Not a shnyaga? To smoke
stoit? Speak, che saw?"