Jokes about drunks

Read funny Jokes about drunks

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The man brought the woman at night home, and the drunk is on the last legs, well and zakhotel
ee that, and at the woman were monthly. Well it satisfied its clear business and damoy
otpravil and to sleep was filled up. In the morning the head wakes up breaks up, smotrit
na hands and with horror speaks:
-I probably killed her... Then goes to a bathroom and looking at itself in zerkalo:
- And then probably ate...

*****

- Hi! Wanted to tell you something! First, I met your wife on holiday, secondly, I with her overslept, and thirdly, how to you secondly?
-First, I divorced from it a year ago, secondly it has a syphilis, and thirdly, how to you secondly?

*****

Hi! And that it at you such person which swelled up?
A it we all night long struggled yesterday with the evil...
pobedili?
NET, remained. You will be?

*****

Bring on operation of the man, put on a table, sisters start displaying brilliant tools. The anesthesiologist comes in operational and, loudly hiccupping, starts putting on the man's face a mask, but every time does not count the movement and misses by the person. After several of its attempts the man indignantly zamechayet:
- The Doctor and you are drunk!!!
-Ya?! It is drunk?! - and, cunning grinning, notices: - Here now the SURGEON will come...

*****

Habits eat in blood. Dismissed from vodka distillery for theft - settled on a water tower. And every day secretly took out a water bottle from a workplace.

*****

Invited somehow the Russian to the Georgian wedding. Well, that sits, eats-drinks. Gorged on, got drunk, and so that everything, feels that shcha it will be bad.... spread sidewise to a door. Here friends of the Dzhigit in love catch it, and back to a table put... through some time to it it becomes absolutely bad. Approaches the host and speaks:
-Listen, to me it is bad, it is necessary to leave, and friends do not let...
-of Ne question of the daragy. Drink a horn on pasashok - and idy.
prinosyat a horn nemeryany, pour in 4 bottles of wine and give russkomu.
-Listen, the host, do not scoff, I will die! What
-you will die! Ti man? Man. You stand on the feet? You stand. Drink. And that you will offend guests, young you will offend, you will offend me., look, Dzhigits already got daggers. You will not drink - zarezhut.
nu, there is nothing to do, the Russian drinks, and falls dead. The host touches ego:
-Vi, ti that died? Aa! So ti in this sense!!!!!

*****

- You should either stop drinking, or to say goodbye with zreniyem.
-Eh, my eyes were gone.

*****

Japanese thought up a vodyara of 3000 degrees. Well to try not hunting, decided to go to Russia. Piyezzhat on some field, stop the tractor operator and speak to it - "the man you want to thump for free?" The man agreed, drank a glass, sat down in a tractor and went further. Then Japanese look that the man falls out each 10 min. of a tractor and on the ground rides. They drove up to the man and ask like a pier that" bad vodka"? The man tells - "not vodka that good, only as otrygnus, so the jersey lights up"

*****

Having come home drunk, the husband punched a table and kriknul:
-Who the owner here? The wife in reply started in it skalkoy.
pochesav strongly hurt place, the husband said:
-Even it is impossible to ask...

*****

There comes the wife from sanatorium - and well on the husband orat:
-Ah you, the drunkard! Ah you, drunk! You that did here? Filled up all kitchen with empty bottles!
pochesal the husband in a nape and speaks:
-Something I will not think... Like any the empty did not buy...

*****

There come three young officers to part to serve. Come to a staff to be presented to the commander of a regiment. The commander is very occupied and suggests them to come in an hour and that did not miss, to think over answers to three questions: the attitude towards women, vodka and sluzhbe.
proshel hour, comes the first ofitser:
-Companion colonel! Lieutenant Petrov. It am presented in a case (etc. under the charter) to
-Well, companion lieutenant, rasskazyvayte.
-concerning women.... it is married, I love the wife, we live in perfect harmony, I do not look at others, I think only of the! I do not use vodka, it is opposite to me! I love service, I promise to serve honestly and honestly!
-is excellent, the lieutenant, I appoint you the deputy commander of l-y of a company on politchasti.
zakhodit the second ofitser:
-Companion colonel, the Lieutenant Sidorov. It am presented in a case (too under the charter, but very faded) to
-That it you, companion lieutenant, such sluggish? I will rehash
-C. Neither on service, nor in private life to sense is not present. Women all boughs, I do not want to serve, quickly to leave this army.
-Yes - and- And, companion lieutenant. It is necessary to appoint you the commander of the third platoon of a hozrota. Idite.
zakhodit tretiy.
-Companion colonel! Women in the car, vodka in a luggage carrier what instructions on service will be?
-Minute. - 3vonit on telefonu.
-Masha, it I. You today by a dinner do not wait for me: I with the new deputy will go round part.

*****

Reception of the guest. The owner takes out a bottle of cognac and is proud speaks:
-Twelve years age!
potom pours to the guest on the bottom of a shot glass. The guest (looking in a shot glass):
-Is small something That is small?
-Is small, I speak, something for 12 years.

*****

15 signs opyaneniya:
1. Generally you do not drink...
2. You left work on an hour earlier, you are cheerful, you are happy, you are talented...
3. All people around started telling unusually ridiculous things...
4. Zinaida Petrovna very much even anything, despite fifty seven and a plug-in breast and, apparently, glaz.
5. You say to someone that all life will love only it odnu.
6. Your all time goes out sigareta.
7. In a mouth to you the herd of horses rode and, apparently, gathers zanochevat.
8 there. At the urinal you attentively look down, resting the head in stenu.
9. Then the small bottle will not be necessary to you?
10. You precisely remember that at you was 50 more rubley.
11. You go in the winter down the street in tapochkakh.
12. You learn that to pass ten meters, it is necessary to turn over several times through the head, strongly to hit a shoulder a fence and to dislocate nogu.
13. All passers very impudently look at you. Directly naprashivayutsya.
14. Make advances to you militsionery.
15. You lie down only a little, and everything will pass.

*****

10 signs of that you much vypili
1. You do not win in dispute with inanimate predmetami.
2. You grab a grass, that not upast.
3. The analysis shows that you in alcohol have traces krovi.
4. The bartender so well you knows that allows you to stand instead of him for prilavkom.
5. Each woman meeting to you stirs with the twin sister...... You call the children Holsten and Budvayzer.
7. The glass strives to slip all the time by yours rta.
8. You start understanding that tells Chernomyrdin.
9. Columns and climb to you in objyatiya.
10. The mosquitoes biting you right there die.

*****

Aliens on the earth arrived and men see sit thump. Well, they and govoryat:
-If you something do not surprise us with it, we you ubyem.
muzhiki thought and decided to dig the man to the earth, x … y to leave on poverkhnosti.
priletayut next day aliens and men govoryat:
-See - there the flower costs. If you touch its time, it will grow if once again it even more grows up and if once again you touch, pollen dast.
inoplanetyane thought and decided to try. Everything at them turned out. But then one of them sprosil:
-That will be if a flower to cut down?
TUT was distributed a voice from under zemli:
- And if cut down, there will be evil roots and such pi … the dyuly nadat...

*****

The husband home just bought televizor.
na to packing brings are drawn different znaki.
Wife:
- And why on packing the shot glass is drawn?
husband :
-It means that purchase needs to be washed.

*****

The man dead drunk home comes crawling, under way touches a hanger, a mirror, a pot with flowers - everything falls, the man too falls on a floor...
Ha noise leaves the room the wife and deti.
muzhik:
-That is not slept without father?

*****

Come the man home the pyany pyany approaches, to a toilet of a nagenayets and shouts, Ikhteandr, from a toilet bowl a voice, - that the father - I to you to eat brought "BE - e-e-e-e-e-e-e"

*****

The drunk in magazin:
-Achka alamora.
-That, that comes? - Does not understand prodavshchitsa.
-Achka ALAMOR... Tell
-more distinctly...
-Found and ****...

*****

The alcoholic lechitsya.
-comes And drink much?
-Yes not so is a lot of, two liters a day, not bolshe.
-to Oy-ey-ey. And long ago drink?
-Yes not so long ago. With detstva.
-Wai - vay-vay. Well, we will treat. Only arrangement! Da's
-?
-Two hundred grams a day, is no more!
-Two hundred grams a day? Ladno.
na the following time becomes hollow, on the last legs, poyet.
-My dear! We agreed with you, 200 grams a day, it is no more!
-A you that you think, I at one you am treated, perhaps?

*****

The bum to the chairman of collective farm comes and speaks:
-Take me for work, I language of animals ponimayu.
predsedatel speaks:
-Yes why to me it is necessary? The cow lowed
TUT, the bum speaks:
-Know that she told?
-That?
-She says that this morning the milkmaid obtained 10l. milk 5 handed over in collective farm, and to 5 ourselves zabrala.
-Well we will go to a farm proverim.
prikhodyat on a farm it calls the milkmaid and speaks:
-You that - Semenovna handed over not all milk?
ONA became puzzled and speaks:
-Yes here you - do not pay z/p I took, the collective farm will not grow poor, and I children napoyu.
predsedatel speak bomzhu:
-Nuka we will go to a pigsty. Come on a pigsty, and one of pigs of a zaryukal, the chairman asks bomzha:
-That she speaks?
-Says, what 5 pigs were born at night, and svinar only the 3rd handed over in collective farm, and to two himself zabral.
tut the chairman calls up svinarya ispeaks:
-Vasilich, you that not all pigs in collective farm handed over it?
vasilich turned pale and speaks:
-Dak. after all. .eto. the daughter has a wedding, and you z/p do not pay, well here and decided to take to a wedding porosyat.
predsedatel the joyful approaches the bum and speaks:
-Buddy, we will go to me home, we will wash you, we will dress up, we will work together, and anybody to steal from us not budet.
tolko they left a pigsty there is a lamb and lovely bleats. The chairman became agitated a little and says bomzhu:
-Yes do not listen you to it, well there was at us just once, and that on a booze.

*****

The girl comes to salon of piercing somehow, approaches one of masters and speaks:
-Dyadenka, you did on January 2nd piercing to me on a navel. And so, you to me some rather heavy hung up a ringlet...
MASTER:
-Shchas we will look.
podnimayet to it a T-shirt and, okhrenev, shouts in storonu:
-Kolya - and - and - N! Your keys were!!!

*****

The husband - comes to an arch home. Is on the last legs. Wife to it speaks:
-Ta-ak! And where it you were?
Na a cemetery dorogaya.
-(scaredly) Oh, someone died?
You will not believe - there all died.

*****

The husband comes home, hardly standing stoit.
Wife asks: - Again drank?
husband : - No, not pil.
zh: - So after all you are on the last legs, admit that drank?
M: - No, not pil.
zh: - Well, tell Gibraltar!?
M: - Saws...

*****

The husband, drunk as a cobbler comes home. Costs near a door, rocks. And the wife well to abuse it, to reproach yes to utter. The husband - words, hardly, silently reached a table, villages. And wife to it: both damed, and damed, and the fool, also settled. In reply - words, only a look, foggy, indifferent. And suddenly slowly gives a hand zhene:
-On, twist a fig.

*****

The husband drunk in usmert comes home Opens the refrigerator and speaks:
- The Chief to the center will carry?
-Is not present well and х$ % with you and so half of nights in the Morning having woken up and having seen that he made with the refrigerator took it and ran in a workshop while the wife spit.
Wife gets up and having seen that there is no refrigerator, speaks:
-Annoying what, after all left!

*****

The daughter with vecherinki.
mama comes, nastorozhenno:
-You drank?
DOCH, mrachno:
-I am an axe.

*****

The husband home the drunk comes. Wife:
-Choose - either I, or vodka!
TOT scratched zatylok:
- And a lot of vodka?

*****

The husband home the drunk comes. The wife from a threshold let's it whip a towel on morde:
-Budesh to drink, cattle? You will drink still, a creature such? You will drink still?
Pour...

*****

The husband home drunk, an ugly face all blue, the head in cones comes... The wife asks:
-That happened to you? Where you were? You will not believe
-: there is on the road, suddenly me a car a bumper to a forehead, I get up and I get under the train, I fly away and about a plane wing...
-?! You do not trust
-? Ask the director of roundabouts.

*****

The man comes to the bar and tells barmenu:
- The Glass of beer, You're welcome.
tot gives it a mug piva:
-From you 27 rubley.
on it drinks, gets a trifle of 27 rubles on ruble and throws through a rack. Next day, the same man comes, orders a glass of beer, drinks it, but pays off with a piece of paper of 50 rubles. The bartender thinks, well, now I will revenge him, counts 23 rubles of delivery (rubles) and throws through a rack, the man quietly gets 4 more rubles from a pocket, gives to the bartender, and speaks:
-Still a glass of beer, please.

*****

The man comes to the bar and orders a bottle vodki.
barmen:
-Where I kiss, will revel after all!
-Yes a grief at me! Learned, what the younger son - goluboy.
na other day - the same samoye.
barmen:
- And today that?
-Learned, as the average son - pedik.
na everything again repeats the third day. Barmen:
-Well, and today that?
-Eldest son... too...
-of Hm, well and family... So at you though somebody with women sleeps?
-Yes... wife!

*****

The man comes to the bar, sits down to a rack, beats a paper bag on a rack and orders two glasses of vodka. Drinks... Again thrashes a paper bag on a rack and asks to repeat. And so several times. Well his bartender and asks:
- At you, probably, something happened... You Present to
MUZHIK:
-, I played a lotto of 6 of 49, guessed everything 6, a prize of 30 million, and the wife forgot the coupon to throw into a box!!!
BARMEN:
-Ya to it would tear off the head!!!
MUZHIK:
-A as you think, what at me in a paper bag?

*****

The man to vrachu:
- The Doctor comes, my hands strongly shiver!
-That, drink much?
-Is not present, I spill more...

*****

The man to doktoru:
- The Doctor comes, I was treated five years for alcoholism and, at last, completely recovered!
DOKTOR:
-I Congratulate, the dear, and what brought you to me? Tell
MUZHIK:
-, I can already drink?.

*****

The man home any late comes at night. Tries to undress silently, but loses balance and s
grokhotom falls, on the road overturning a table, a case...
Ha a thunder run together all house. The man, lying on a floor and it is blissful ulybayas:
-Che, it is not slept - without folder?

*****

The man from a terrible bodun recovers. And around the wife suyetitsya:
-Pretty, give... So there is a wish! I do not want
-! Well give
-! You want - standing, you want - lying. And you want - a cancer I will become...
-You beer would become better...

*****

The man in magazin.
- At you vodka fresh comes?
-A that?
-Here bought two bottles yesterday, drank, che it became so bad...

*****

- The man with a little mouse on a shoulder in bar.
podkhodit ofitsiant.
- The Man comes: To me 100gr. vodka, to a little mouse 10gr.
vypili...
-Man again: me200gr. vodka, to a little mouse 20gr.
vypivayut... The Man tells
-: To me 0,5 liter