Jokes about peoples

Read funny Jokes about the Kazakhs

<** Previous Topic          Next Topic **>

294  295  296  297  298  299  300  301  302  303  304  305

Invited in the forward's "Dynamo" from the Kazakh club "Kaysar Kyzylorda" of .
Ha to the first training the trainer brings together forwards, takes in hand a ball i
speaks:
- The Ball, blya!
potom puts a ball in gate, shows on them and speaks:
- The Goal, blya!
potom imitates blow to a ball and objyasnyaet:
-Blow, blya! You understand, your mother? Ball, blow, goal! GOOOOOOOOL, blya!!!
Ha is the confused Kazakh otvechayet:
-Respected the trainer! Mine and so to understand on the Russian language karasho... You to hell go
Ha that the trainer to it speaks:
-Yes! I explain it to Dima Bulykin!

*****

There comes a new Kazakh in Rossiyu.
znakomitsya through the partners with other new Russians there, goes from
nimi on clubs, "полянам", "шаровням", brothels, to hunting and to volume
podobnoye, all-such prochee.
vstrechayetsya among a party to it some schnook and begins it upirat:
-you have a three-storeyed mansion?
-Netu.
-You go by a Mercedes-600?
-NET.
-Where your gold chain? It is necessary to
-of Nafig in general?
-your son studies in BY?
-NET.
-Yes you not our circle of type.

*****

There comes Petka from Kazakhstan. Vasily Ivanovich asks:
-Well, what Petka, learned you the Kazakh language there?
-Yes.
-A as in Kazakh will be "один"?
- BIR.
-A "пять"?
- Bir, bir, bir, bir, bir.
- And as will be "тыся?а"?
- Well, it is a long story.

*****

The American, the Russian arrived on the Moon and... Kazakh. God takes them by the scruff of the neck and asks the American: - Why
priletel? - To build rocket bases, the sir. Russian: - To lift a virgin soil... To the Kazakh: "- And you what horse-radish here
pritashchilsya?!" The Kazakh standing having hung the head and picking a boot sock lunar dust, murmured: "-Zhay asheyin...
tanys to a bireu-mire kezdesip Calama dep kelip edim..." (Yes so... Thought, can someone from acquaintances a meeting...)

*****

Pritcha.
priyekhali two mambik in Almaty. Well and naturally all humiliate them, call. There was a shaman and speaks:
-If climb on the mountain will become normal and at dengakh.
polezli they on the mountain one gets on top, the second pulls a hand for the help. The first beats off from it and
speaks:
-Went na. mambt.

*****

The Kazakh comes to a brothel and asks from the prior the girl concordant to have sex "in Kazakh". Toilers of
publichnogo of the house began to doubt, - nobody knows, how it "in Kazakh", suddenly a perversion any new.
ODNA after all was solved, went with the Kazakh to the room. Through some time comes back, her others sprashivayut:
-Well, how it, "in Kazakh"?
ONA otvechayet:
-Yes usually, simply told that money then will bring...

*****

The Kazakh in public dom.
emu comes give young ladies on a choice. A tariff - $100. It approaches the first and speaks:
-I Give 200. But only we "will" be on-kazakhski.
baryshnya thought supposedly suddenly what pervert refused. And so some more... To posledney:
-I Give
podkhodit 500. But only "in Kazakh" .
baryshnya thought-thought supposedly everyone saw and asks:
-But you will not kill?
-Well that you!
-Well, then went!
vozvrashchayutsya after a while. The Kazakh left, and young women run up to that which agreed, and sprashivayut:
- And how it, in Kazakh? It said yes to
-that money - later!

*****

The Chinese and the inhabitant of Astany.
- And how many in your country of people talk?
-of Kazakhs, probably, millions around eight and if all over all country that - shestnadtsat.
kitayets:
-a fig to yourself, it you here, know all by sight!

*****

Decided hotel to build in Kazakhstan. Five stars that were. Announced the tender. Comes turok.
-How many to you it is necessary on building?
-Three limona.
-Why three lemons?
-Well... the lemon on building matherals, the second lemon for a salary, and still a lemon will be mine pribylyyu.
tut Skoka comes finn:
-?
-Shest
-Pochemu
-Two on building matherals, two for a salary and two more will be mine pribylyyu.
chinushi sit and scratch turnip. But here the contractor from Kazakhstana:
-Skoka is declared?
-Devyat
-Why?
-Three lemons to you, three lemons to me, and other three lemons to Turks. Not Huy build.

*****

Sit meet NG, year of a rat, the Russian, the Georgian and the Kazakh …
vdrug on a table a rat jumps! Wanted to beat, but remembered that year of a rat … .pust sits!
razlili,
bukhnuli,…. Russian takes and pours in a glass of vodka in a mouth of a rat, that thumped,
kryaknula and broke into a dance - "Vaaaaalenki, valenoks and not podshity
starenki!"
NU … thumped still, the Georgian pours to a rat now, she as will start singing! - "Where you are my Sulikooooo!!!"
bukhnuli
eshchyo …. The turn of the Kazakh came, he pours in a mouth to a rat in the next shot glass … Ta
vypila, led round all a muddy look ….i said - "Uuuuuu,
sheshen …. Mysyk of a kayd?"

*****

Two Casanova (new Kazakh) in a concert hall sit and listen to classical music. One pushes another in bok:
-You know whose it is music?
-Bakha.
-Well, Baha! Well, well done!!!

*****

Two Kazakhs with string instruments sit, young plays on three notes: "salt - mi - to … salt - mi - to … salt - mi - to …",
A old - only "to - to-to …". Ask the old: "Why you on one string play, and the guy - on three?" -
"Young Still, Looks for"

*****

There was it everything after plane crash during which the plane fell na
neobitayemy the island. Here tribes of black people lived. Gruppa
chelovek survived crash in a panic and wild rage escaped,
brosayas in flight from local tribes. When on the island there was tolko
odin a person, black decided to arrange traditional hunting. Begali
den, two, three did not take the poor person unawares when tot
vskarabkivalsya on tree top yet. At last, the person fell when te
rastalkivali a tree. After the basin of the person concerned the earth, at togo
ot pains escaped - "Uy sheshen!!!".... On what local temnokozhiye
otreagirovali is quite adequate - "Well all children is dumped, on
chimkentsky!

*****

Males gathered and began to compete among themselves, - who will manage to make the shortest and, in
TO time the most attractive compliment zhenshchine.
vyshel the American: "Darling you as million note!"
vyshel Frenchman: "Darling you as good champagne!"
vyshel the Kazakh, inhaled air and told: "E! - E! - E!"

*****

Ask at odnogo:
-You from where it is?
A it, is proud having shown gold zuby:
-Shshshshshymkentten! It is scarlet Sep?
vtoroy having rounded a mouth trying not to show which teeth net:
ooooooooskemennen!

*****

Ask somehow at Russian tamozhennika:
-Skolko to you it is necessary to work to buy Audi?
podumav, it отвечает:
- Well, approximately mesyats.
zadayut the same question to the Ukrainian customs officer, having thought, that otvechayet:
-Navernoye, month tri.
podkhodyat to Kazakhstan tamozhenniku:
-Skolko you need to work to buy Audi?
ON long stood, thought-thought and Proiznes:
-GOD.
-Pochemu so long? After all the Ukrainian customs officer needs three months, and Russian in general один.
- Well, do not know. Firm big.

*****

The typical American girl quarrels with the guy:
Fuck you.
tipichnaya the Kazakh girl on nerves:
KETShEY, NADAYELSYN SEONG UZHE MAGAN, MYNA ZHERDA the TOURIST'S SON of BARGOY (specifies
NA a throat), ITTIN GHANA of BALASA, HOW MANY TIME AYTAMYN KETSH BAR ARES PUNISH, to YOU I SPEAK
Ya RUSSIAN, KEREK EMES MAGAN, SENIN
TsVETOChKALARYN, SAU EMES ADAMCIN SEONG, NOT the PERSON of TY TUSINDIN OH?

*****

- Once on Earth there lived one Kazakhs...
BYLI Kazakhs northern and Kazakhs yuzhnye.
i if when between them arose disputes or misunderstanding, they solved them on ancient Kazakh obychayu.
s each party was exposed on the batyr -
vstrechalis "ba

*****

Then our hero gets a mobile phone, Karlygash calls zhene:
-, demolish two floors of our giving, take away "мерин" from our
rodstvennikov in Talgare, give them our old beater-roys, translate Talgata
from Harvard in BY. Yes, and nearly forgot, remove from Arystan a collar,
prishli to me here, and me here people do not understand that

*****

At the American, the German and the Kazakh is asked that you made if you had a time machine. So amerikot
otvechayet: "I would visit in 1945 and would make so that there were no nuclear bombardments of Japan, it is such shame for my
natsii", the German: "I would get over at the time of 1939 and would make so that there was no World War II, it is such
pozor for my nation". Ask the Kazakh: and you that made with car vremeni; that answers: "I would butnirovat back
stekla!".

*****

The boy on a nationality the Kazakh studied on a physical mat. His name was the Rope.
normalnoye Kazakh imya.
itak, Physics. Control. Distributed all tasks (as at school - the first
variant and the second option). The Kazakh was given the second option. Silence. And here, to
pervy option, having read a task starts neighing, then, the second option, V
neponyatka that happened, looks in tasks of the first and too slides pod
a table. It became interesting to the Kazakh also he too prochital.
a a task such - I do not remember that there it was necessary to calculate and define,
NO the text began так:
"На a table the rope (!) lies, its end hangs down from a table on 30 cm ."

*****

The Ukrainian, the German and the Kazakh got on the desert island, the Ukrainian put
ogorodik, the German started building the house, the Kazakh left on a beach... In the fall the Ukrainian of
prishel to the German also offered products in exchange for housing, live, not
tuzhat.... Closer by winter knock at a door is distributed... & quot;kto there?! & quot; - shout
nemets with the Ukrainian....
"Мен gy, Serik!... District police officer!!! & quot;

*****

The king of beasts a lion decided to retire and before it to visit and see the subject animals on all planet. In
afrike met an ostrich, running on the saveena. Caught it and asks:
-You know who I am?
-Of course, you king of beasts. All of us are afraid of you, we respect and podchinyaemsya.
dovolny heard it continued travel and arrived to India. There met in the jungle of an elephant. Caught it for
khobot and asks:
-you Recognize me?
-As, you are king of beasts. All are afraid of you, respect and slushayutsya.
okrylenny heard, it arrived to steppes of Central Asia. Noticed the jerboa jumping on the delam.
-Hey, stoy.
tushkanchik turned back, looked, took a frown of the tsar from feet to the head, hemmed and jumped further. The lion of
vzjyarenny, roar vsled:
-to Stand! - pursued a jerboa. After a short pursuit it overtook a jerboa and You question gromoglasno:
-, a malyavka, do not recognize me?!
-Is not present, - after a minute of regard, - I do not learn. And who you are such?
-As? You do not know me?! Yes all are afraid of me, all respect me and kowtow predo me!
tushkanchik with the blinked estimating look were looked at it I:
-Really by NAZARBAYEV.

*****

The person got used to wonder: who do I am? There scientist, American, driver, Jew, immigrant...
A should be wondered all the time: whether shit I?

*****

In an hour the American managed to suspend two spheres like a chandelier, at
yapontsa spheres rotate in the middle of the room in itself, the surprised God of
zakhodit to the Kazakh, leaves in a popolama and choking with a laughter takes away kazakha
to paradise....

*****

Ekvator
legenda says that there was time when the whole world two mighty batyrs owned equally. One - exactly one
polovinoy, the second - exactly other half. But each of them wanted to be the individual owner on this earth. And
stolknulis they in cruel fight on border of the possession. Also they fought exactly 100 years and 100 days and nights until
NE died of an old age. Since then, this place - is called as Ekibatyr (two batyrs).

*****

The agency of TASS reports that the movement against planov
kitayskikh imperialists around the world spreads to jump up up on two meters.

*****

The American comes to China. Having gone sightseeing,
nachinayet to be interested in life details and so forth in asks:
- And how the population of the country is great?
-Two billion...
amerikanets, pomolchav:
- And than you still are engaged?.

*****

The granny approaches to negru:
- The Black, the Black, you are Chinese?
-Is not present, the grandmother, I negr.
- The Black, the Black, you are Chinese?
-Is not present, the grandmother, I negr.
- The Black, the Black, you are Chinese?
-Yes, the grandmother, I am Chinese!
-My God and as to the Black it is similar...

*****

Brezhnev contacted on a direct line Nixon to tell it the dream: over the White House
krasny a flag flutters!
nazavtra Nixon called Brezhnev and told it the dream: over the Kremlin the red flag flutters!
-So it also is, - Brezhnev answered, - over the Kremlin really flutters red flag.
-Yes, but on that red flag which I dreamed, - Nixon told, - something was written in Chinese!

*****

- How to be called a war between the Soviet Union and China?
- first socialist.

*****

Whether will be at communism money?
- The Yugoslavian revisionists claim that will be. The Chinese dogmatic persons claim that is not present. We approach
voprosu dialectically: at whom will be and at whom is not present.

*****

There was it in the hostel of MEI long ago. One student suddenly began to appear always in clean socks. There is its
poselili together with the Chinese and he demanded that that daily washed socks for the white person. On
preduprezhdeniya that the Chinese can revenge, the student only laughed. One morning the student woke up and saw on
svoyey to a bedside table the brick which is tied up by a rope. On a brick the note with words lay: "the Chinese revenge".
ulybnuvshis, it threw out a brick in okno.
a under a brick a note - "yours is attached to this brick h@y!" The man - in a window, in flight intercepts a brick, and to
nemu from below one more prikleena:
-"and your eggs are attached to the battery under a window"

*****

In Warsaw at the corner of Brezhnev Street and Kosygin Street two meet evreya.
- And at Pilsudsky we after all ate meat!
prokhodyat years, and they again meet on the same corner, but already a corner of Mao Zedong Street and Liu of Shao-TsI.
- And at Councils we after all ate it!
prokhodyat as early as years, and they again meet on the same corner, but already the corner of Lumumba Street and Kwame of Nkruma.
- And at Chinese us after all did not eat it!

*****

In China carried out the next census of the population. There were two billion. It is necessary to do something. It was decided to build
PO to all world of clinic on sterilization. The first the clinic was handed over an americana: 1000 operations a week. The second -
yapontsy: 5000 operations a week. The third - Russians: 10'000 operations in 5 minutes! Anybody, of course, did not believe,
poslali the commission. There comes the commission and sees: in the middle of a huge slanted field in a spiral ten thousand of
kitaytsev are constructed. Ha of all one prapor, commander: napra-avo, bend forward, я$ца ahead of standing in a mouth to take. Then
podkhodit to the latest and from all nonsense beats to it a boot between feet. And the removed crunch...

*****

In a communal flat there lived a silent Chinese. Neighbors did it all gadosti:
podmetali garbage under a door, tore off buttons from a coat on a hanger in a corridor,
brosali of dead mice in a pan. At last, to them bothered to scoff, oni
priznalis in everything and promised it it not delat.
-Otsen holoso from now on! - the Chinese told. - I to a toza to a bolsa will not pysat to you in Cai!

*****

In Beijing the plan of attack on Rossiyu.
veliky the leader Mao Tsze Doon stuoit
sklongivshis over the card gotoaitsya and develops the plan of approach:
-C of the right flank of 100 million, from the left flank of 100 million,
V the center of 200 million, in rezerve
200 millions, we will throw all tanks into fight... - What, all three?
-Yes, all three! And from above aviatsiya.
tut there is one of generals and speaks
-"The aircraft will not be"
pochemu? - ask it, on what it otvechayet
-"The pilot got sick"

*****

On Friday in China the largest power plant of a new design became operational - 3 million Chinese move down in
sherstyanykh shorts on an ebonite stick.

*****

At the Soviet schools now learn two foreign languages - Yiddish for leaving and Chinese for remaining.