Jokes about peoples

Read funny Jokes about Germans

<** Previous Topic          Next Topic **>

298  299  300  301  302  303  304  305  306  307  308  309

In connection with introduction of EURO for territories of Germany since January 2, 2002, the Kama Sutra position earlier known as
69, will be renamed in 35,28.

*****

Great Patriotic War. Germans seize the remote Russian village, built all and the commander speaks:
-we will shoot All men..., but women have an opportunity to rescue the husbands. We will build men in a row,
snimem to them trousers, to you we will tie with a scarf eyes, and you have to determine by the member, who your husband!
delat nothing, women according to began to nod. Constructed men, lowered trousers, the first poshla.
-So this not mine, do not wash it, do not wash it, oh, here it mine!
sleduyushchaya:
-This not my, this not mine, oh, here it mine!
Tak some women passed, the commander thinks: "Not its, so business will not go, we will shoot nobody!" Solved
postavit between Russians some German soldiers. Put. Went sleduyushchaya:
-So, this not my, this not my, this not my, this not from our village at all...

*****

- Vitek, and you with the Black would oversleep?
-You che, okhrenet, of course NOT!!!!!
-Ah you are a racist remaining!!!

*****

During war in maternity hospital popa; a shell. Three babies survived. Their fathers - the Russian, the German and the Jew - do not can
uznat, where whose. Here the German guessed. It zakrichal:
-Heil Hitler!
ODIN the child extended a hand, and the German took away it. And Russian approached and at once the took away. The Jew it asks:
-From where you know, what it is yours?
-Well as, - are answered by the Russian, - when the German cried, yours obkakatsya, and wash cams squeezed.

*****

War. Germans occupy the village. All are expelled on the square to the Village Council. There is a translator and with great difficulty and
uzhasnym accent reads on bumazhke:
-Now we will be to shoot all women and to bang all muzhikov.
baby:
-So does not happen!
MUZHIKI:
-Happens, happens!

*****

War. Germans. Firing. Ours were going to estimate the situation in the German entrenchments. Send the fighter. The fighter long runs
through a field covered by artillery and shooters at last reaches the German entrenchments. Ours wait for it hour, two,
tri, four … For the fifth hour the fighter comes back all foamy, tousled, potnyy.
-Where was? - ask nashi.
-I there German found such nurse … will begin to rock!!! I it both so, and so, and here so, generally somehow!
-A sucked off? - ask nashi.
-Not, I did not find the head.

*****

War … Remote Russian village … On a threshold of a log hut of 3 drunk Germans
-of Otkryvayt, Russian pigs, we hoteyt Russian female peep break inside …!!! Reaction
nikakoy vnutri.
fashisty start knocking even more strongly and even more loudly orut:
-Otkryvayt, Russian of a pig, we hoteyt Russian female peep!!!
snova any reaktsii.
oni start drumming so that all log hut and again krichat:
-Otkryvayt, Russian pigs, we hoteyt Russian female peep shivers!!!
TUT the door is opened and on a threshold there is a HUGE big fellow twice higher and doors are wider. All sleepy,
vstrepannye hair, in hair straw, and, warming up fists tells basom:
-P ** DY perhaps?!!

*****

Question: Hitler, Goering and Goebbels sit in the bunker. If in the bunker with a direct hit the bomb who will escape strikes?
otvet: Germany!

*****

Question: What difference between the German Reich and tram?
otvet: Any! In both cases ahead there is a leader, behind him there are people. Who does not want to stand behind it -
saditsya. From the people raise money all the time. To jump off under way - it is forbidden!

*****

Question: When there comes the end of war?
otvet: When Berlin folksshturm goes on the front a city electric train!

*****

Question: Who the greatest farmer?
otvet: Adolf Hitler - at him is 65 million rams and the biggest pigsty in the world!

*****

Question: In what a difference between Hitler and Solntsem?
otvet: At the Sun in the east there comes dawn, and at Hitler in the east there came the decline!

*****

- Here in Germany streets with soap are washed! It is necessary to
-as they dirtied the country!

*****

Everything that in Germany is good, here only wake up in the morning, in a window look out - and in the city - Germans!

*****

Two met bratana.
-I in Germany was, 10 thousand brands in a week zarabotal.
-Well you, the brother, swelled up a little. Yes you for all life will not write so many letters.

*****

Three men meet: Frenchman, German, Russian. Also start arguing: at whom in bars of a freebie bolshe.
frantsuz:
-Here at us, you come to restaurant, you order a champagne glass, and to you one more it is free DAYUT;
NEMETS:
-Yes everything a hogwash, here at us come to the bar, order beer, and to you two more mugs for so nalivayut;
russkiy:
-Yes, are rather weak at you somehow. Here at us, you come to a disco, you order a glass of vodka, and then, you
kormyat is free, give to drink, after on the car take to giving, there sex and is besides free, and in the morning free of charge take to
doma moreover and money give …
frantsuz with the German in aute:
-Well a fig to themselves, and what itself tried?
russkiy:
-Yes not, itself did not try - the sestrukha told.

*****

World War II. Winter of the 1941st. Ours come. Suddenly the forward line of attack runs into the German pillbox,
ottuda scribbles a machine gun and it is impossible to pass well in any way. Attack prekrashchayetsya.
komandovaniye does not know that delat.
vdrug see that the group of guerrillas sideways approaches a pillbox and one of them suddenly falls on a pillbox zakryvayet
soboy a machine gun and, naturally, perishes. Ours fast break and take a pillbox and standing behind it derevnyu.
through 2 nedeli.
vedut on execution of that German that sat in a pillbox and strelyal
po ours. Our war correspondent approaches it and speaks:
(To) - You know, I am the correspondent of the Russian military newspaper, I hochu
napisat article about that hero who closed the body a machine gun and by that offered svoyey
zhiznyyu that anybody was not lost any more. Tell me please about nyom.
(N) - Well I sit, I shoot from a machine gun at yours. Suddenly I see: the man,
takoy dirty, unshaven, a rifle hangs on one side, a shinelka shabby … well I think - partizan.
vdrug it take and it is direct on a machine gun and lyag.
(To) - Well, and he can something ayered death told? For the homeland there, for example, or for Stalin?
(H) - Well you know, I am not really strong in Russian, but in my opinion he told something it seems: "Oh, б#я! ?#аный ice!"

*****

World War II voyna.
nashi pilots experts of a posbivala of all fashik. Hitler summons the manager of Luftwaffe Goering. Like, that for a mess why the Soviet pilots posbivat all our experts? Goering: let's correct!
proshel month. The situation changed in a root. Fashiki hollow ours asov.
stalin someone caused there: why a month ago our experts beat Germans, and now Germans beat ours. It was answered: let's correct!
A where to take pilots? Well also put for steering wheels zekov.
proshel month. The situation changed in korne.
gitler called Goering: why a month ago we beat Russians, and now on the contrary?
gernig: understand my Fuhrer, earlier we did radio interception and everything was clear - the fifth, fifth I the tenth, cover, I attack! And now in general it is clear nothing - Bald, Bald, I am the Long loaf, get up on a chickie, I now to this frayer of egg on a fuselage will wind.

*****

Germany. The bus with Israelis goes with excursion on the former camps. Suddenly the bus breaks.
kogo have no phone. Whether the driver is knocked on one of the German houses and speaks byurgeru:
-Understand, I carry Jews to Auschwitz here, and the bus broke. You could not help us?
byurger would be parted hands:
-Yes by me with pleasure, only I have only a microwave …

*****

Germany. 2050. Two police officers patrol. Suddenly see - decently dressed man lies on a roadside.
podkhodyat, take out everything from pockets, get the passport. To one another speaks:
-Dyvys, Mykola, a yak a ridiculous surname - Berger

*****

- Why did Hitler during demonstrations held his hands crossed below the belt?
- defended last unemployed in the Third Reich.

*****

Hitler at gadalki:
- When I will die?
-B day of a great Jewish holiday! Which
-B - them mnogo.
-In what day you would not die, it will become a great Jewish holiday.

*****

Hitler and Goering cost on the top platform Berlin radio of a tower. Hitler speaks: I want to encourage somehow
berlintsev. "And you simply jump down", - Goering offers.

*****

Hitler fell from a roof of a rekhstag and by miracle was hooked for a tree. Next day the miracle swelled and prevented to go.

*****

- The main thing - not the victory, the main thing - participation, - consoled itself Germans on May 9 the 1945th …

*****

1935, Germany, a history lesson in gimnazii.
uchitel:
-Hans! Why Germany lost world war?
-are guilty Of everything Jews, mister teacher!
-is correct! Obosnuy.
-Jews speculated with the food and forced to starve our soldiers at the front and peace people in the back!
-is fine! Sit down, five!
zatem addresses to another ucheniku:
-G?nter! Why Germany lost world war?
-are guilty Of everything Jews, mister teacher!
-is correct! Obosnuy.
-Jews seized all mass media and demoralized our soldiers at the front and peace people in the back!
-is fine! Sit down, five! And here that we will be answered by Yankel?
-Vovsem are guilty Jews, mister teacher …
-is good that you understand it, Yankel … Prove!
-Jews sat down in general shtabe.
-As you dare, the villain to speak so about the German military genius?!
-Sorry, mister teacher, I meant the French General Staff.

*****

Two immigrants, impart experience lives in Germanii
-Bought the praised German juice extractor, and it slomalas.
- And you managed to squeeze out a lot of juice?
-Yes slightly apple and orange, and already on birch it was covered …

*****

The grandfather tells vnuku:
- When during war I was in guerrillas, I hit one German in nogu.
- And why not in the head, the grandfather?
-A of the head of it was not any more.

*****

The grandfather - the German who is 89 years old. Passed all war without uniform scratch, in captivity that is characteristic, never was,
sluzhil the operator. On the party of Germans, of course. From conversation with it it becomes clear that he never heard and even
NE suspects about such call, as "UR"! But word BL... He knows D excellently. Because with such shout of
russkiye jumped in entrenchments or went to attack. Other shout: "Forward, eb... on mother"! - meant that now them there will be
atakovat not only infantry, but also tanks.

*****

Business was on hearings to year in the 60th in nice Soviet Belarus. Tourists, having fairly drunk, came across in the wood
nemetsky a warehouse with ammunition of times of that war, put on and here the idea came to their turbid brains - but whether not to go to
blizhayshy the Village Council. Come: "Mi Doychlangd Zoldateng, we want oil, yayka, the maid!". The young growth laughs, film shoot
znachit how here not to understand. People are more senior look at all events with disgust. And here because of
kontorki the old man suddenly takes off: "Misters soldiers, I 20
let waited for you, I here everything, all copied long ago … look!" .
priyekhala the militia caused by someone on the quiet by phone. Tourists received traditional 15 days for hooliganism, and
vot the old man rang out on the Homeland, full for change.

*****

Diary partizana.
14 July: Germans came. Expelled us from lesa.
15 July: Expelled Germans from lesa.
16 July: Again Germans came and expelled us from lesa.
17 July: Expelled Germans from lesa.
18 July: Germans came. Expelled us from lesa.
… … … ….
26 of July: The forester came and expelled milestones to yo. ache mothers.

*****

The bus with Jews goes to visit konts. camp in Germany. In Germany the bus breaks, around on the road cars,
Driver does not know what to do, then looks not in are far the country house, approaches on a threshold it meets
tipichny German fermer.
Driver speaks: "We carry Jews in konts. the camp, but at us unfortunately broke the bus, you not moglm to us
pomoch?"
nemets speaks: "Of course, but at my place bake only the microwave."

*****

Politsa on the autobahn go, hares see stand the car are picked. One politsay tells drugomu:
-Kak them to understand, after all we do not understand Russian?
-A is nonsense, acquaintances taught me to two words "X ** nya" and "P ** dets". Now we will approach and we will ask, what happened? If answer "X ** nya" - that is a trifle and they will go further soon and if answer "P ** dets" it is necessary abshlep to cause.

*****

If on the street in Germany you met the beautiful, well-groomed woman with a good figure, fine manicure and
stilnoy clothes, know is a man.

*****

If suddenly on the street in Germany you saw the beautiful, well-groomed woman with a good figure, a fine hairdress and in
stilnoy to clothes, know - most likely, this is the man.

*****

Two healthy shaven guys come into shop stroymatheralov:
-That interests you? To us two armatury
-What are going to build
-?
-Germany for Germans.

*****

There is World War II. In the North Sea near angliyskogo
esmintsa the submarine with German opoznavatelnymi
znakami emerges. On the bridge there is a captain and addresses to anglichanam:
-Misters! Tell, war still proceeds?
-Yes, sir!
-Damed Bismarck!.

*****

There are two Russians on the German street. Both, of course, do not know nemetskogo.
odin wants to brag before the second and speaks:
- And want, I will prove, what vooon that German will understand me?
-??? Come on!
-to It, Fritz, kiss me on a bum!!!
NEMETS:
-you (Was)?
russkiy:
-Yes, me and my friend!

*****

To Stalin Poskryobyshev comes and complains of the marshal of Rokossovskogo:
-He leads an immoral life: both has the wife, and the mistress Valentina of Serovu.
- And how Rokossovsky is at war? - the leader asks, tobacco filling trubku.
-that Is at war it perfectly. Troops of its front free the cities, win one large victory for another...
tovarishch Stalin what we will do with Rokossovsky?
stalin thought and said:
-to Envy...