Jokes about peoples

Read funny Jokes about Germans

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Called the veteran in school on an open lesson. That rasskazyvayet:
-we Were at war without sentimentalities! Machine guns at hands also shot at these reptiles! Blood, guts in different directions!.
A as over corpses izgolyalis! Eyes pulled out, giblets their blyadsky on a fire fried. Women were dryuchit that then and
ssat was sick. Ooh we 3,14dorasov executed these! That knew, blya to whom with war went!!! We them, a bough, yes and left
poroy for feet to podveshila trees!. The teacher not vyderzhivayet:
-you though that tell
TUT to a ponimata! Same children!
-YES WHAT Nakh@y CHILDREN???!!! FASCISTS!!

*****

The dragon of the German, Frenchman and Vasily Ivanovich caught. And speaks:
-Before death I will grant 2 of your desires!
NEMETS:
-is A lot of to schnapps and sosisok.
drakon gave, then ate. Frantsuz:
-Cognac and women!
drakon gave and ate. Vasily Ivanovich:
-Bag of condoms and certain room!
drakon gave, waits for 1 hour, 2 hours, 5 hours. Bothered to wait, quietly opens a door and vidit:
vasily Ivanovich fingers pushes the last condom in a mouth and chokes. Dragon emu:
-You that, fool?
vasily Ivanovich:
-A now, a dog three-headed, try me chew!

*****

The cannibal of the German, the Frenchman and russkogo.
soobshchil to them what to make laugh him, the cannibal - the only way not to be eaten caught somehow. So to disappear with it it seems as
nekuda. As usual, the German and the Frenchman messed up and the cannibal ate them. But valorous Russian got kosyak.
-we Will get high?
-You that, okhrenet, you have to make laugh me!
-Is not present, at first pykhnem.
pykhnuli. The cannibal neighs. Russian is free. He quickly runs out from a figvam and starts being on the lam. Having run off far away,
perevodit spirit. Suddenly behind on a shoulder rat-tat. There is a cannibal. It is guilty tak:
-Excuse - on a havka punched.

*****

Cannibals of the German, the Frenchman, Russian and the American in the jungle caught. Speak to captives: before to gobble up you, we are
ispolnim your last desires. The German wanted beer. Cannibals rummaged around all jungle - brought it the beer
bavarskogo mug. Then it was eaten. The Frenchman wanted … the woman. Well, too it was executed. And then too it was eaten.
nastala turn russkogo.
-your last desire? Give
-to me a kick under zad.
-More nichego.
-Only a kick under the back …
vozhd gave to Vanka of a kick under the back. Vanka from under floors gets "Kalashnikov" and all tribe mows …
amerikanets asks at russkogo:
-Why you did not stand up when killed the German and the Frenchman?
Ha that Russian otvetil:
- The Russian people - peace people. We are not touched - and we do not touch …

*****

Cannibals of the German, the Frenchman, and Russian caught and speak plennikam:
-Here to you for three three horses if do not teach them to speak - sjedim.
delat there is nothing. The German of food of everyone takes and goes to the jungle. In a month comes back - itself lean, a horse hardly between
palmami prolazit.
- The Horse, well tell something to Iggo-go!!!!!!!
C the Frenchman the same history - that is too sjeli.
russky gathered bananas, pineapples and other tropical food, goes to the jungle, in a month comes back -
fizionomiya wider than shoulders, the horse is on the last legs. Savages in uzhase.
-You received products on a horse?
-Received …
-A of that did not feed?
-As so did not feed? Only also did that that ate …
LOSHAD:
-In whistles, in whistles …

*****

Germans of the grandfather Mazaya caught and speak: "Conduct us to guerrillas, and all hares in the wood we will shoot down that". Became the grandfather of
zhalko of hares, decided to show the way to Germans and imperceptibly to warn guerrillas. But was not in time - Germans found
partizansky group, and then shot down all hares. The grandfather Mazay sits and thinks: "Here, the pancake, both hares did not rescue, and
S boys somehow inconveniently turned out..."

*****

The Russian, the American and the German to savages got. Those speak to them who will drink our potion, will put out an eye of our dragon and
trakhnet our woman of that otpustim.
- The American drank potions and died. The German drank potions that went to a dragon it and sjel.
- The Russian drank all potion in the village, went to a dragon, shouts groans are distributed here. In an hour there is all sweaty and
speaks:
-Well where which that woman it was necessary to prick out an eye?

*****

Post-war years. Noticed our vigilant bodies of one little man - anywhere does not work, it is full, drunk every day.
khvatayut also interrogate him supposedly on what shisha live?
-Yes at me in a subfield three Jews sit, from Germans hide!
-You chyo, was struck, war already came to an end!
-A I say to them that Germans in the city...

*****

There comes Hitler to a madhouse. All patients are built in a rank and raise the right hand with shout "Hayl of
gitler!". Hitler passes along a rank, and at the end sees the person with the lowered hand. Asks: "What you
NE welcome me?"
chelovek answers: "So I am not a loony, I am a hospital attendant".

*****

There arrived somehow Putin to Germany, to meet old, so to speak, colleagues. Well those, naturally, invited
ego to an informal dinner. The German punctuality - Putin is not present at 19 o'clock, in 20 is not present. At 21 o'clock concerned
nemtsy call Voloshin. That answers, everything type normally, schas we will be, simply GDP long on the city turned, of
naruzhki got rid...

*****

Ordered korol:
-Who will pass through a confidential cave, that will receive a floor of a kingdom and the daughter in zhyony.
edet Amerekanets on Mercedes. Suddenly jumps out lines from a corner and krichit:
-Pis-pis stop!
ostanovilsya the American, ate it lines. The German on the jeep goes. Runs out from round the corner lines and speaks:
-Pis-pis stop!
ostanovilsya the German, ate it lines. Russian by truck goes. Vybigayet from round the corner of lines and speaks:
-Pis-pis stop!. Russian krichit:
-Yes though be trashed by
A, my brakes do not work!

*****

The veteran of the Second World War to a class to "an open lesson of history" comes, and tells about voynu:
- There are somehow on the wood, suddenly huyak, Germans, huyak, Germans at the left on the right! uchitelnitsa:
-YOU THAT TELL
obaldevshaya! Same children!!!
-What nakh@y, children? FASCISTS!

*****

The man comes to Arbeitsamt and speaks chinovniku:
-to me 32 years, secondary technical education. Whether there is for me a work?
chinovnik looks in the computer, presses the buttons and otvechayet:
-Is! Siemens concern, manager. department, a rate of 10 0000 brands in a month, can though pristupat.
muzhik:
-Hurrah!
chinovnik:
-tomorrow But there is one problem: the office five-room apartment just now under repair, you should live weeks three in luxury of hotel of Hilton in Shtutgarte.
muzhik (suspecting bad):
-Can be simple mister bullshits me?!
chinovnik (passionlessly):
-is exact. But after all you began the first!

*****

The man comes to bureau on employment and speaks chinovniku:
-to me 32 years, secondary technical education. Whether there is for me a work?
chinovnik looks in the computer, presses the buttons and otvechayet:
-Is! Siemens concern, manager. department, a rate of 10 0000 brands in a month, can though pristupat.
muzhik:
-Hurrah!
chinovnik:
-tomorrow But there is one problem: the office five-room apartment just now under repair, is necessary to you weeks three
pozhit in luxury of hotel of Hilton in Shtudgarte.
muzhik (suspecting bad):
-Can be simple mister bullshits me?!
chinovnik (passionlessly):
-is exact. But after all you began the first!
vstretilis two brothers.

*****

The man in passport stol:
- And so comes, I leave on the PERMANENT RESIDENCE to Germany, it is necessary a surname smenit.
- And what for?
-A I do not want that I was called "a her morzhovy there"!
-of That?
-Well, my surname - Morzhovy …

*****

Somebody comes to the farmer and wants to buy a pig. But only it surely has to be the Aryan pig! The farmer of
udivlyaetsya also asks how it is possible distinguish Aryan svinyyu.
- At it the bristle, as at Hitler, language, as at Goebbels and a belly, as at Goering has to be!

*****

Germans came to the village. Anybody is not present. Look, the old man sits on lavochke.
-Fine, ded.
-Zdorovo.
-As you, the grandfather, call?
-Ivan.
-On, Ivan, gingerbread. You will show where guerrillas hide? I Will show
-, that not pokazat.
- And how at you, Ivan, a surname?
-Susanin.

*****

- Passable by rural club, Germans rushed to catch hens, to chase girls and to cut pigs!
-I only half an hour later the guide hardly calmed elderly tourists from Germany!

*****

Passable by rural club, Germans rushed to catch hens, to chase girls and to cut pigs!
I only half an hour later the guide hardly calmed elderly tourists from Germany!

*****

Rabinovich, why died Hitler?
-he received the account for gas.

*****

Russian on the German autobahn breaks. Gets to hospital. Blood transfusion is required, doctors look for
dobrovoltsev. The first German comes, blood test do, all such …
-does not roll, - speak, - at that the first blood type, and at you the second … Other German, with the first gruppoy.
-Alas comes, it is impossible, - physicians speak, - You have a positive Rhesus factor, and at it negative. Comes tretiy.
-does not approach, unfortunately, - make a helpless gesture vrachi.
- And why? - the volunteer, - both a blood type the first and a Rhesus factor negative is surprised …
-Yes understand, you have a blood alcohol content too low, are afraid, rejection will be …

*****

Talk two old nemtsa:
-I in the 45th a shovel brought down the Russian pilot!
-Is direct from the sky?
-Is not present from the daughter

*****

Rudolf Hess Cherchillyu:
-Ah, so represent it you that psychopath!
-Is not present, I only his deputy!

*****

Russians and Americans in joint expedition to Mars. During walk the American speaks:
-Fuck, Germans were ahead of us, they already here!
russkiy:
-Why? Yes watch
- At a sign: "Department on Martian affairs. Take the form, fill and get in line"!

*****

The Russian who almost is not speaking German drove in a smart Mercedes. Well both vodila got out, Russian scratches turnip, the German that laments that. Gapers gather. And here showing Russian on a Mercedes, the German in Russian "Your car loudly asks?"
-Waschmaschine? Sie beleidigen mich noch?

*****

Network German fitness of the centers for all Europe - Dachau, Buchenwald,
osventsim, Treblinka …. Result in the shortest sroki.
"Take the step on the way to an ideal figure" Himmler.

*****

- Hear, Kolyan, guess, about whom a riddle: One dude, Russian, and in German spurs as in the native language.
rabotal in Germany, and for it received awards and ranks from the Soviet government. It is sustained, sports. The hut for
gorodom, and for

*****

The fascist, the democrat and the communist gathered in a tavern. Started arguing at whom better ideology. Well it is possible to argue long, and
tolku … Solved in practice who the ideology will force a cat to eat mustard. The fascist is enough a cat, pushes
EY in a mouth a mustard spoon … Gobbled up!
Bce vozmushchayutsya:
-This violence! The democrat takes
togda two slices of sausage, in the middle of mustard, throws - devoured! Again all vozmushchayutsya:
-Is deception!
kommunist catches a cat, smears with it mustard a bum … a cat with we howl it slizyvayet:
-Pay attention! Voluntary and from songs!

*****

The American, the German and the Russian argue on the one who made the most useful izobreteniye.
amerikanets:
-We invented such piece through which it is possible to see the most distant stars. Is called teleskop.
nemets:
-We invented such piece through which it is possible to see the smallest atoms. Is called mikroskop.
russkiy:
- And we invented piece by means of which it is possible to look through a concrete wall in meter thickness. The window is called.

*****

The sonny, I do not like at all people who surround you recently. - Frau Paulyus in the 1943rd
synu under Stalingrad wrote.

*****

- What is the hell?
-This that place, where engineers - French, cooks - British, police officers - Germans, historians - Russians, and
lyubovnikami - Americans.

*****

That Germans on video remove that, Russians business prove...

*****

The ship sinks. The captain asks all passengers to get over in boats, but passengers are afraid to jump off from a board in fragile
shlyupki. Then the captain approached each passenger, something to them told, and all quickly jumped in boats. The captain and
pomoshchnik the last get into the boat, the assistant asks:
-Tell, and what you such told them, what all obeyed you?
-K to everyone the approach. I told Germans that it is the order. I told Americans that it is patriotic. To Japanese of
said that it raises a potentiality. And to Italians - that it is forbidden.

*****

- What Germany from Marx inherited?
-East - the Communistic manifesto, western - the capital.

*****

Untersharfyurer Fritz, giving out from a grenade warehouse, sentenced vsegda:
-Receive, the fascist, to the pomegranate.

*****

Staged the international contest: who more vypyet.
kommentator:
-Frenchman Jean drinks wine. Bottle, another, the third... Frenchman Jean broke, broke... Wan's
russky in buffet warms up the krasnenky...
-German Yang drinks beer... To a circle, another... the fifth, tenth... German Yang broke... Wan's
russky in buffet warms up the krasnenky...
- The Russian Vanya drinks vodka... from a barrel... scoops a bucket... Bucket, the second, third... the fifth... broke!
slomalsya Vanin bucket... While repair a bucket, the Russian Vanya in buffet warms up the krasnenky...

*****

Fascists go on derevne.
nemets. The boy you do not know where guerrillas hide?
malchik. I know!
nemets. You will take away us?
malchik. Yes!
nemets. Good fellow boy. And what is your name?
malchik. Vanya.
nemets. And father as?
malchik. Too Vanya.
nemets. And grandfather as?
malchik. Too Vanya.
nemets. And your surname as?
malchik. Susanina we!
nemets. Return a chocolate!

*****

Final of the FIFA World Cup Russia-Germany. In the field there is the German kom@nda, instead of our
vybegayet one Anopko, strongly with a hangover. Sudya:
- And where, actually, kom@nda? Understand
ANOPKO:
-, children ukvasitsya yesterday fine, noted getting into the final, only one I also was in time prospatsya.
-As you will play?
-Yes, here...
vdrug in the field appears Rabinovich and Anopko:
-shouts Write down me, we will play!? Write down, we will win surely! Some time he it prevailed upon
through. Passed 80 minutes, a voice diktora:
-So, we keep the reporting with a match of Russian national teams and Germanii.
schet 40: 0!
odinnadtsat of true Aryans chase on all field the Jew, and Anopko hammers 41 ball into empty gate!

*****

The Frenchman and the German go by a pond. At water the girl with a rod sits. Frantsuz:
-Mademoiselle, you are charming against the nature, you have a beautiful rod, and by the way how here pecks?
devushka:
-Pecks badly - forgot to take primanku.
frantsuz:
-Oh, mademoiselle and you sit on such zavlekatelny "bait"!
devushka laughed, men went dalshe.
through some time the German asks at frantsuza:
-Listen how you learned, what at it worms?!