Jokes about peoples

Read funny Jokes about Russian

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Two former schoolmates meet. One new Russian, drugoy
krolikovod. New russkiy:
-it is healthy, Vasya, how are you, what do you do?
-Yes anything, here rabbits razvodim.
-Well yours! It is necessary to tell friends! We did not breed rabbits yet!

*****

Two new russkikh:
-meet Listen, in nature, such "Mercedes" to itself to order made - otpad!
kolesa platinum, the case gold, a wheel is inlaid with diamonds, seats - from a crocodile leather, a panelk of
izumrudnaya...
-Class! And speed, likely, оф#гительная?
- And I do not go - gasoline guzzles much, a dog...

*****

Two meet muzhika.
-I the other day a branded red jacket otorval.
-From whom?
-It so quickly escaped that I did not manage to ask.

*****

Two meet muzhika:
-Ivan, and what it at you the pshanitsa does not grow?
-So we do not sit down after all!
-A che do not sit down?
-So does not grow!

*****

Two psychoanalysts meet. To one another speaks:
-Well I, at last, to myself three-storyed built up giving across Rublyovka, v
pyatikomnatnoy to the apartment overlooking the Kremlin European-quality repair made, "Ferrari"
to "Mermedes" and "Cadillac" in garage put... To it otvechayet:
-Listen to
vtoroy, well we with you professionals! Give simply dostanem
i we will try!

*****

The Russian, the American and the Japanese, well meet and began sporit
u whom technologies more abruptly. The American and speaks:
-Here from us in America we take a pig, bang on a pig -
avtomobil, bang on the car - bolvanka.
na that the Japanese to it otvechayet:
-From us even more abruptly: we take a pig bang the processor, bang po
protsessoru - bolvanka.
russky thought, thought and speaks:
-Well children you in general in comparison with us in the Stone Age! My
berem the blockhead - bang the secretary general, bang on generalnomu
sekretaryu - the blockhead!

*****

New Russian and old Russian meet. New Russian sad-
grustny. His old Russian asks:
-You that such gloomy?
-Yes, pancake, unsuccessful day. The contract broke today. Are so much dene
gprosral, how many you for all life not zarabotal.
- The Hogwash. I so much prosirat every day.

*****

Two New Russians in a motor show meet. Odin
pokupayet "Zhiguli", and another it stydit:
-you Understand, - the first answers, - the apartment here novuyu
kupil, corridors narrow, "Mercedes-600" does not pass.

*****

Two New Russians in a motor show meet. Odin
pokupayet "Mercedes-600", and to another it asks:
-Listen, you same bought a week ago, what broke?
-Well, an ashtray full.

*****

Meet two new russkikh:
-Here, took itself the permit to a safari!
-Well and how quotations?
-Is acceptable. Hunting with the wife for a lion - 500 baksov;
okhota with a lion on the wife - only one hundred!

*****

Two new Russians in shop orgtekhniki.
-You meet that look for?
-Phone with a public address system!
-A so on figs is not necessary to me - at me during communication and the wife not figovo shouts.

*****

Two new Russians meet. One NR is told vtoromu:
-by Blya, the brother, neudobnyak it turned out!!!...
vtoroy NR asks.
- And sho for affairs, in nature?!?!
A first otvechayet:
- The Brother, you remember, Kolyan went to the States, and I emu
versache ORDERED. And he misunderstood me...

*****

Two New Russians in Paris meet. One - drugomu:
-Here, watch, the tie bought for 1500 dollars! And that is emu:
-Something you sold too cheap, at us in Moscow such on 2000!

*****

Two old friends which the devil knows how many ne
videlis meet. One in scientific research institute works, the second - new Russian. New russkiy:
-Well, how are you doing?
-A, lousy. Here three days of nothing el.
-Well, it you in vain. It is necessary to force itself...

*****

Three prostitutes meet somehow and begin conversation. First-this night, I was removed by the American. All night - fried, and
NA morning-500 of $ dal.
vtoraya- And me the Frenchman this night till the morning so pyor, in all holes, and for morning-1000 of francs paid. And
TY, fellow workers, why such okhuyely ask it?
DA here me, answers the whore, the new Russian removed got drunk as a stake nakh@y all night long till the morning overslept, and for the morning I think now
trakhnet. All night long over it stayed and I think rasshchedritsa.
a he from an okhuyenny hangover speaks become a cancer, I got up it gets: a credit card and with such force as
chirknet - Is paid for an anus!

*****

Three new Russians behind a shot glass meet and discuss as their wives have a rest... The
1st-y: - And here bought the putevochka to Cyprus, on mesyachishko, 5 asterisks hotel, let pooddykhat in human
usloviyakh... The
2nd-y: - Not, Cyprus it already yesterday. I the to the Bahamas, for about three months, in a bungalow on the seashore... The
3rd-y: - Well children, I not such abrupt as you... I the е#$ть will be!

*****

Vstrechayutsya two new Russians, one gloomy and sad, the second asks:
-so gloomy Che?
-Yes here 20 years with the wife in marriage, also we do not satisfy each other... You as I try
-A: strike a favourite pose, and in process when you feel that you finish, shoot single at
vozdukh, at you everything contracts and both finish, okhrenenno...
-Well, I will try...
through some time again meet, the first starts kneading the adviser, type you che padlo advised?...
vtoroy, in a yushka, asks:
-Well che happened that?
-Well we strike a favourite pose as soon as business comes to an end, I according to your advice the holsty shoot...
-I che?
-Not only that this a bough to me in a mouth of a nassal, so it also h*y a pogryzla...

*****

- You wanted to hide the most part of the income from the state, - the tax inspector new russkomu.
-speaks I am not guilty that you have so small column "Income" that all zero were not located.

*****

- How you imagine the new Russian today?
-As live!

*****

There is NR Louvre, under the arm - wrapped in trubochku
kartiny and speaks to itself - Well che, cards bought, now pora
za souvenirs to go.

*****

There is the Russian immigrant at city airport of New York the plane,
ves covered by bags, on it is not present a live place, and sees suddenly - the note lies na
asfalte $100. He tried to dodge and lift, but anything at nego
ne it turned out, he spat this business then, kicked with a foot and told: "Nekhay
valyaetsya, I will start collecting tomorrow".

*****

There is in the morning a GAI officer to the road, the head after yesterday's raskalyvayetsya.
smotrit - the jeep rushes. Well, it stopped it for the purpose of fund raising na
opokhmel. Looks, and there the bum sits. Checked documents - the truth, bomzha
mashina. Well, his cop asks:
-You are a bum. You where took such abrupt wheelbarrow? Drunk new Russians offered
-A to me if I make laugh them - the jeep moy.
nu, I them and rassmeshil.
- And how? Yes I to one bald on the head shitted
-, at it at once hair grew, here an umor byla.
ment a cap takes off, there a bald head. It and speaks:
- And you to me so can shit?
-Mogu.
bomzh sre:t is distributed to the cop on a bald head, a from bushes a laughter and krik:
-Not, well and I also a hut will present yours to it!!!

*****

1976. Bobruisk. A human resources department weight zavoda:
-Hello, I am a tinman, I want at you rabotat.
-Write zayavleniye.
-But I am not able to write, I negramotnyy.
- Then excuse, we will not be able you prinyat.
1996 year. St. Petersburg. The solid new Russian walks on Nevsky Avenue from smart long-legged
blondinkoy. The jewelry store occurs in the path to them. Zakhodyat.
-Mishenka, I dreamed of such necklace with emeralds long ago!
-is good, expensive, what still here it was pleasant to you?
- These ear rings and kulonchik.
-Wrap, please, all this. How many from me?
-Two hundred thousand dollars!
mishenka pays off with the seller, having got from the diplomat a heap deneg.
prodavets nedoumevayet:
-Why you carry with yourself such huge sum cash?! It is much more convenient to draw the check, isn't that so? Oh, if I was able to write
-, I still would work as the tinman in Bobruisk.

*****

2334 god.
na the traffic light there is humpbacked "Zapar". To it 600th "Mercedes" crashes into the back. From Mercedes the friends vylazit and goes on
razborku.
iz "Zapara" there is a super-new Russian and speaks to friends: Well got - the rare foreign car, manual
sborka.......

*****

The trucker from St. Petersburg drives to Moscow on KAMAZ. Went vsyu
noch, was tired and dozed off for rulem.
vdrug opens eyes, and before it red on the traffic light. Muzhik
po to brakes - rose as driven. Hears behind a roar, a clang,
skrezhet. Leaves - sees behind in it Mercedes 600 drove. Mers
ves the soft-boiled. NR (clearly, in a red jacket i
t.d drives.). Eyes in a heap, nothing soobrazhayet.
vodila to it: "Well and what? Let's understand? And, the main thing, novoye
vedro hung up only yesterday!"

*****

Two new Russians with dogs walk in park. At one na
povodke two pit bull terriers, at another - two taksy.
pervy asks:
-In nature, bratet, che at you such dogs frivolous?
-Yes you che, in nature, does not happen more abruptly!
pervy lowers from a lead of the pit bull terriers, those rush to taksam.
taksy - hryas! - in one sting have a bite pit in half. Pervyy
novyy
russkiy:
-In nature cool! How many such stand?!
-Yes on six pieces of dollars kazhdaya.
-Well a nifiga to itself! To Che it is so expensive?
-Three pieces - a crocodile, three more - plastic surgery.

*****

The catarpillar hooked at a turn of the 600th gelding. Gets out of a gelding in NR rage, jumps on
traktora caterpillar, breakthrough opens a door, and there the tractor operator such sits, hardly in a cabin finds room, the jockstrap, ppts....
traktorist: ChO WANTED?
HP (became stupid): I... I.... it.... the key wanted on 19 to ask....
traktorist: I TO 42 HANDS TURN!!!

*****

Two new Russians fly to Paris. One speaks: -
slysh, Kolyan, me here the wife asked in Paris to it Rubens ili
vrode Tiziana to buy. And che this such in nature?
tells Another: - Well yours in nature, a nifiga your woman ne
ponimayet, the woman it is also the woman, the most abrupt wheelbarrow is BMW!

*****

Two cheerful new Russians (NR) decided to be kidding over the waiter (About) in new elite restorane.
nr: - Tell, you have something exotic?
O: - We have all exotic dishes!
HP: - And you have a black sausage?
ofitsiant tarried and, having promised to specify, left on kitchen, NR sit. neigh. After a while the waiter returned
I speaks:
-unfortunately of "Black sausage" is not present today, but there is "A black milk".
HP were surprised, well and ordered on black moloku.
k to them there is a tolstenny Black woman with huge boobs, both are enough for shkvarnik, presses to breasts and let's
IH give to drink. When they already weakened to drink, throws them on a floor and ukhodit.
odn NR to another in iznemozhenii:
-Bl @, it is good that at them black sausage did not appear!!!

*****

Two classical Russian men in caps with ear-flaps and telogreykakh
-Wan, and Wan...
-Went you...
-Well Wan, borrow troyak actions to dividends...

*****

Two NR decided to fly in the Boeing to New York, current not that flight, which with delivery directly to the house, and usual. And
vzyal one of them with itself 2 ships of a grass. Here they flew up, fly. The first went to a toilet, got high, there is also
drugu: - Budesh?
TOT: - I Will be! also left in sortir.
a the first beat, popersya it in a cabin to pilots. Comes also to the main thing: - of 500 Basques I give Poe, do a loop!
That you ebanutsya? Now people have dinner, you estimate chyo will be in salon there!!!
Without market, agreed with all, all согласны.
- Not, you chyo, it the Boeing, what loop? I give
Poe to piece of basses!
Х%й with you, gold rybka.
i they do a loop. HP1 happy comes into salon, and there on walls such, Salvador Dal? will not draw. At
passazhirov ebat such as though on it 50 times struck with a frying pan, they okhuyevshy sit. Here the toilet leaves
HP2 and shouts: - the Dude, at tya the plan of 5 points! So beat me, to himself for a collar shitted!

*****

Two punks on the road vote. New Russian na
inomarke stops. Sit down to it and edut:
-Wow, how many buttons!
-Well so, BMV-750! (characteristic gesture by fingers)
-Seven hundred fiftieth!? So it more abruptly than the six-hundredth!
-Well so! (again fingers)
-you Will think! Here we that week on nine hundred sixty vosmom
ezdili...

*****

Two new Russians meet after long razluki.
-You with whom work?
-Yes here, you understand, the killer. And you?
-A I am a banker teper.
-Hm... Well, then still we will meet!

*****

Two new Russians in a jacuzzi:
-U you protection how many people?
-11, and at you?
-I at me 11, can we will play soccer?

*****

Two new Russians bought on Mercedes, stand look at them. speaks:
-Listen to one and as we will distinguish them, they odinakovye.
-I do not know... And give at one headlight left we will break, and at another - right. They will differ togda.
razbili they headlights, stand again smotryat.
-Listen, and you remember at whose we broke what headlight? To
-Neo, give the second razobyem.
razbili. Cars again odinakovye.
-Well, - are told by one, - give so: your white, my black.

*****

Two new Russians fly to Brazil. At plane landing the stewardess speaks:
-Dear passengers, rest pleasant to you, but do not forget, what 50% of the population of this country are sick with AIDS, and
ostalnye of 50% - tuberkulezom.
odin asks NR drugogo:
-That she told? She told
-, тр#хать those who coughs.

*****

Two new Russians went to fish at the sea with an inflatable boat. Suddenly the storm began, and the boat carried away in the sea.
neskolko of days float in the high sea where the earth do not know, the food and water ended … See - some
butylka floats. Caught, opened - and there dzhinn:
-I Will grant any your desire! By
ODIN new Russian speaks:
-Make to us the sea of beer!
dzhinn clapped and ischez.
novye Russians see - the sea became beer around! New Russian speaks:
-Well you well done! And to ssat
vtoroy in the boat now, perhaps?!

*****

Two New Russkikh:
-Hi, brother!
-Hi! You the song about New Russians know
-?
-Neo, the brother, I do not know!
-"I weigh covered with greens, all..."

*****

Two new Russians come to car showroom, choose to themselves "Mercedes".
-to me this, this, this... And this...
NADO to pay off. One gets a roll of money, and to it and speaks:
-Listen to another, the brother, you paid for a taxi....