Jokes about peoples

Read funny Jokes about Russian

<** Previous Topic          Next Topic **>

304  305  306  307  308  309  310  311  312  313  314  315

Two new Russians razgovarivayut:
... Write down
-my mobile 8926.
-of Foo sucker.
-Not, you did not understand, it is simple 8926

*****

Two new Russians praise highly the avto:
---I on the GELDING so dispersed yesterday,
chto kilometer columns a paling seemed to me...
---It is fine I on the BUMERE was so developed yesterday that back number managed to read...

*****

Two new Russians brag of the cars. One speaks:
-I so on the route dispersed recently that kilometer columns as a paling stood!
VTOROY:
-A I on the bumer was so developed that back number could read!

*****

Two new russkikh:
-Hear, the brother, you know, what Kolyan delivered the alarm system to himself? You take the wheel - she learns a smell if not
tvoy - blows up!
-Abruptly, pancake! Vnature, it is necessary to call - to learn where got!
-Not! It will not turn out. He decided to replace cologne yesterday.

*****

Two wives oligarkhov:
-In what pose the husband brings you to an orgasm?
-C a purse at cash desk of the jeweler!

*****

Two new Russians gather for fishing, but is already cold -
pora on winter! The first reminds the second that at it net
ledobura, a valenok, winter rods and other neobkhodimogo.
-Well and that, what difference if only fish klevala.
-You will freeze!
-Well, I since the childhood do not love cold!
-Well, and how then winter fishing, on the first ice?
-"As, as" - the same winter, as summer, on the Red Sea!

*****

Two new Russians came to Mersedes dealership. Buy po
mersedesu, and start solving who byudt to pay. One speaks;
-Slysh, the man, well, I will pay, in nature!. You za
obed paid yesterday...

*****

Children of new Russians are played in a sandbox in Moscow dvorike.
u one of them breaks sovochek, he removes from a Motorola
cellular phone belt, unbends speaker and starts digging of Vtoroy
rebenok nedoumevayushche the Fool looks on nego:
-, after all will break!
-A- And, the father tomorrow new kupit.
- And today you will be as the sucker with a pager to go?

*****

Deti:
- And my father has five cell phones!
-...
-A at mine the two 600th Mercedes!
-...
-A at mine - here such rat in the cellar!
Bce horom:
-Yes you that?!! Show!!!

*****

The house new russkogo.
tri a floor, the gold basin, the four 600th a gelding, all affairs, koroche.
i a patsanyonok runs years of 11 - the little son new russkogo.
podkhodit to it the tax police officer and asks:
-How are you getting on?
A the boy and speaks:
-Bednenko!
potom sniffs, smiles and adds with gloss in glazakh:
no happily!

*****

The daughter of "new Russian" came back home from lyceum,
gde gave her a task to write the story about poor semyyu.
ona began tak:
"Once upon a time there was a poor family, the father with mother were very poor,
IH the driver was even poorer, the gardener was very poor,
A servants was absolutely poor..."

*****

The friend - new aristokratu:
- The apartment, good at you, and... Only it is rather small slegka.
-Yes wait, we from the elevator did not leave!

*****

The new Russian (NR) in the Mersedese 600 goes. Itself in krasnom
pidzhake, all fingers in rings, on a neck five gold chains. Mers
ves sparkles nickel, seats are fitted by red skin. The road -
skazka. Five coat layers, equal, pure. Rushes. Suddenly s
proselka "Zaporozhets" leaves, all in manure and is stuck by Mersu
v a side. NR which was absolutely stunned jumps out from the car. IZ
"Zaporozhets" there is a man (M) in wadded trousers, in a jersey, v
kirzachakh, but very intelligent look and in ochkakh.
nr: (furiously) Man! You che, man!!! !@#$% ^ ** ((())
M: (correcting points) Izvinite.
nr: What excuse!!!! Man, you who?!!! @#$%^^&&**
М: I - pisatel.
nr: What на#$% writer?!! @#$%^^&&**
М: Prozaik.
nr: About what н@#$% hares?.

*****

New Russian on the jeep goes, sees, there are two huge jerks i
volokyt under hands of the third... Ostanavlivayetsya.
-Men! What happened?
-Yes here, - are answered, - the brother handed over "Mercedes" in car service...
UCHIM to go.

*****

The fighting chariot of HP goes and crashes into some "Zaporozhets" .
HU, the friends threw out to understand, and that driver from where got granatu
i threw it into "Mercedes". The friends lay, the car burned down, "Lock" uyekhal.
through some time the main raises the head and silently so says:
-He, boys, you estimate, in nature, and che it with suckers does...

*****

The mobster goes to Ferrari on a dividing strip. Speed small, 150-180 is not less. Suddenly by it
pronositsya a red trough and as standing bypasses. The mobster not in smoked che for hernya, to a slipper in a floor. Catches up and sees -
V a trough sits the man of blue-green color, the mouth because of a wind cannot close. Having overtaken, the mobster asks:
-Hear the brother, at you che dvizhovk, from the plane???
-of Dae it knows a horse-radish, from a roller coaster I go!!!

*****

The 600th Mercedes, accurately so goes on the city,
NE hurries, his GAI officer, and there at a wheel -
nemetskaya ovcharka.
-your rights governed not narushayet.
ostanavlivayet?
sobaka opens a glove compartment, takes in teeth of the right and It grants Gaishnkiku.
-not your rights! Hundred dollars of a penalty!
sobaka opens bordachek, takes hundred dollars in teeth and gives Gaishniku.
tot salutes and releases the car. The Mercedes freely rolls dalshe.
naparnik the GAI officer in osadke:
-a horse-radish to itself, a dog at a wheel! You why it released?
-of Anything, let goes. The dog at a wheel, than that fucking goat, which on a back seat in juncture of
valyaetsya is better!

*****

Goes Mercedes on the road means, well kilometers under two hundred and sees,
chto ahead railway tracks and the train rushes with all the dope... It is somehow indecent to
NU, Mercedes to stand on moving, he adds 50 kilometrov
i successfully slips with vykrikom
"YESSS!!!" .
edet further...
opyat repeats the same history, and it again slips pod
nosom at the locomotive with victorious krikom
"YESSS!!!" .
edet further - again the train, it adds speeds,
NO this time for some reason is not in time and in it the electric locomotive with all the dope flies...
"YESSS!!!" shout of the driver is audible...

*****

The cool uncle on the 600th Mercedes goes. And suddenly at it lowers a wheel. The uncle stops and this moment by starts changing koleso;
B passes a tractor, stops, the man gets out from there and asks the uncle: - You do Chyo? - I remove Not
vidish, a wheel! The man lifts a healthy stone from the earth, and with scope breaks Mercedes glass: - And I will take
magnitofonchik to myself...

*****

The 600th Mercedes goes...... To it in back part of a body drives KAMAZ.
IZ a Mercedes there is all in red jackets (well as usual) and speaks
tomu, which in KAMAZ:
-You got on the grandma!
TOT emu:
-How many?
-Yes you me that, did not understand? You on the grandma got!!!
-Yes how many?
-Tridtsatnik (it is a little with astonishment)
TOT from KAMAZ opens a body - and it has all KAMAZ packs baksov
zalozhen. Takes one pack, gives.
-Here to you a tridtsatnik, and couple more of pieces from above for concern....
NASh the friend from a Mercedes: Listen to
-, and you who? (very much with astonishment)
-Ya? I am the new Russian. And you? The her it knows
-A... (very much, very much with astonishment).

*****

NR on a Mercedes goes, NR on same merse.
most narrow comes around on the bridge, towards too, it is impossible to part, both signal, nobody propuskayet.
oba NR leave cars and start finding out who from them You have to pass pervym.
-che, the brother and I have a Mercedes of a latest model?!
-Yes at me too a latest model!
-Yes at me is tenacious on half a kilo!
-Yes at me too on half a kilo!
-Yes I weigh 120 kilograms!
-Yes I too 120!
vdrug one NR sits down in the Mercedes, hands over nazad.
vtoroy passes the bridge, stops near the first, opens a window and asks:
-for Bratello, and che you passed me, after all at us everything is identical?
-A you weigh bolshe.
-As so?
-Ya on you h*y put.

*****

NR on the newcomer the 600th goes. Tolyan, hi calls mobilnik:
-! You where seychas?
-I go on Tverskoy.
-You there is more careful, there, speak, some moron on counter 160 km/h flies!
-is fine one, THEM THOUSAND HERE!!!

*****

NR on the highway on the car goes somehow, kilometers 250 to hour of
NU goes to itself touches nobody...
TUT overtakes it as standing the LOCK and goes to a point... It naturally hrenet
NU slowly and let's it catch up.
pedal to the full on the highest transfer, even super - a turbo cut the mode and caught up Zapora.
porovnyalsya with it, and in the LOCK the window and from there small borodatyy
starichyok KAAAAAK ZAORYoYoT:
-A of VTORAYaYaYaYaYa opens NOW!!!!!

*****

Drunk New Russian by a post of GAI,
navstrechu to it goes the GAI officer jumps out and waves a stick...
HP stops, opens a door of "Mercedes" and asks
gaishnika:
-for You where?
gaishnik (perplexed):
-Anywhere...
HP:
-A che you, a pancake, a goat vote?

*****

New Russian on the jeep goes. Sees: at a column the bum sits. Has a rest. Suddenly clicked fingers and before it the pile of
vodki appeared. Drank and further sits. The new Russian became interested. Stopped, observes. Through some
time everything repeated: click by fingers was also again formed a hundred-wig. And so a little raz.
novy Russian did not sustain ran up to bomzhu.
-Listen, and how you here so? I the genie have
-A. It my desires and vypolnyaet.
-Nastoyashchi genie??? Listen, sell it me.
-Yes well. It nuzhen.
-Yes sell to me. Here to you the jeep, keys from my house. Here to you zero eshche
polnye pockets. It agrees?
BOMZH looked, got a lamp because of a bosom, gave to new Russian and left on dzhipe.
novy Russian rubbed a lamp. From there with whistle took off dzhinn:
-I Listen and I obey!!!
-Means so, to me first it is a lot of money, secondly housing, in tretyikh
kontrolnye packages of "Sibneft", "Gazpr"...
-Yes take your time you so, - were told by the genie. - At me narrow spetsializatsiya:
pyatdesyat, hundred also stopyatdesit.

*****

Drives new Russian the car and his cop ostanavlivayet.
-Comer showed that you went with a speed of 120 km/h!
-U tya che, the slowed-down filming? I less than 150 do not go.

*****

New Russian on a Mercedes, and behind it ambulance and the fire truck goes. It turns and they turn, it is
tormozit and they too. The Okhrenevshy GAI officer brakes ego:
-It that for circus you arrange here?
-Well, you cops absolutely okhrenet, fined, here I improved, well now not so: here to you FIRST-AID KIT, here
tebe FIRE EXTINGUISHER!!!

*****

New Russian on a Mercedes on the route with a decent speed goes. Suddenly the little man on small red
mashinke overtakes it, with opened verkhom.
nu the new Russian (NR) squeezes out of a Mercedes everything that can, catches up with the little man (M), lowers glass at a window and oret:
nr: Man! And that at you for the car!!???
M: Not its znaaayuyuy!!!!!
HP: And that you from where!!???
M: With aaaameriikansky a gooorok!!!!!!!!

*****

New Russian on a new Mercedes goes, turns on radio and slyshit:
-you listen to the Russian radio...
-Nikh%ya to itself! Here bl@d, again parted - the car German, and radio
vparili Russian!!!

*****

New Russian on "Mercedes" goes. The militiaman stops it. Checked documents - as it should be. Lo and behold - and
ryadom on a seat the Kalashnikov lezhit.
- And it that such? It wash
-kalkulyator.
-Strange, - the militiaman speaks. - Here I have a calculator, so it absolutely differently looks. Here figures, here addition,
umnozheniye, division... In total on buttons. You include - You make calculation. And at you? Understand
-, - tells "new Russian", - we have simply different calculators. At you - for predesign.
U me - for final.

*****

New Russian on "Mercedes" on the highway goes, sees -
vperedi costs "Zaporozhets", and the man is picked it. It was a pity for the man,
vspomnilos time when at most was such. Stopped and speaks:
-Let me tow off where nado.
obradovalsya the man, only warned that it is not strong gnal:
-If will be strongly quickly, I will give a signal to you, and that at me mashina
razvalitsya.
edut they are farther, and here other new Russian on BMW overtakes them i
neprilichny gesture by a hand does. The new Russian took offense, was excited and davay
na gas davit.
vperedi is cost by two GAI officers and signal to stop. Proskakivayut
mimo. One GAI officer drugomu:
-Twenty years work, and such did not see: BMW under two hundred, for ney
"Mercedes" under two hundred goes, and behind them under two hundred and signalit
"pass" "Zaporozhets".

*****

Two new Russians on the jeep go and see the sign "GAI - 100 M" .
odin takes out a wallet and starts counting money. Then heaves a deep sigh and speaks dpugu:
-Hear, Vovan, on 100 cops precisely not enough!

*****

Two new Russians on "Mercedes" go and see znak:
"traffic police - 100 m". One gets a wallet and starts counting dollars, then speaks:
-Hear, Kolyan, on hundred cops precisely not enough!

*****

Go somehow new Russian and the driver of "Zaporozhets" .
Driver a lock asks:
-Here is how you so go by "Mercedes", violating all road rules, and to you though by
chto?
-of Wons you see that dude in a peak-cap with a striped stick in hands? I See
-! I do not see
-A!

*****

If the person bought "bentl", it does not mean yet that he bogat.
mozhet, he saved 3 months...

*****

The wife of new Russian speaks:
-to See Paris and to die!
B the answer husband :
-buy tickets Tomorrow and wind from here, but for a market you will answer.

*****

The wife of new Russian brags before podrugoy:
-my husband bought printing house. We now like grafya.

*****

The wife of new Russian at psikhiatra:
- The Doctor, my husband often talks recently itself with soboy.
-Calm down, in our nervous century this very widespread yavleniye.
-It so, but he speaks with himself by the cell phone!

*****

The wife of new Russian hard vzdykhayet:
-As everything bothered! There is a wish to make something absolutely unusual and strange that I never in life did yet.
.
-is cool! - new Russian reacts, - then darn to me socks.