Jokes about peoples

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The wife of NR complains podruge:
-Represent, recently I ask from it 200 dollars on beauty shop,
A it, the swine, looked at me - and gave 500.

*****

The wife of the oligarch tells off very young domrabotnitsu:
-That, Manya, dogulyalas? I see, you are pregnant!
-Well and what? You after all too... As you can compare
-? I am pregnant from the husband, and you?
-I I from it...

*****

There lived a new Russian on the ninth floor and all the time on foot went. Na
question why it does not use the elevator, otvechal:
-Aha that this piece of wood lowered me every day!

*****

The journalist interviews new Russian, large businessmena:
-As to you the first money came? As to tell
-to you... By the way, it is your purse?

*****

Got to itself new Russian of a cat, called Basilio (in Vask's use). Well,
samo itself that an animal did not remain unaddressed - every day moyut
dorogushchimi shampoos, scratch a special brush, claws polish-
manikyuryat. Evening. Vaske is manikyurit by claws, put the last varnish coat and tut
iz-for windows reaches invocatory myav neighbour's kotov:
-Vas, go to us - here such girls!
KOT jumps off from a leather sofa on a window sill and only sobirayetsya
prygnut on a roof as his paw gets to bird's shit, on
poskalzyvayetsya, with squeal flies by down, plops down in the dirtiest pool i
priobretayet a look street slop pobirushka. Lying in a pool, the cat - wet, pathetic - exposes to
gryazny before himself paws with manicured claws i
so zloboy:
-Mlya....!!! And this scoop... for ** it is scarlet!!!

*****

Climbed, somehow some alipinist on Everest. Rejoice, flags stavyat.
tut see cars stand, shish kebabs and t.
you that do the item here? I know (violas) of
-He, but that who to us hammered an arrow here - Will answer.

*****

Life tortured the man - from office discharged, the wife left, than money net
-is shorter, becomes an inveterate drunkard little by little. Also he meets somehow svoyego
odnoklassnika - successful new Russian. That beret
muzhika for work. In the first working day new Russian speaks:
-On you the check, pass through the road to bank and receive $40,000.
muzhik brings $40,000, the friend counts to it from them $20,000 -
NA, speaks, for service. And so every day. The man bought the car,
kvartiru, started rising, and itself day by day all more gloomy i
smurnee. His friends also ask - that, say, takoy
grustny. It and speaks:
-Understand, I go to bank one, and we divide for two.

*****

Zaporozhets crashes into "Mercedes". "Mercedes" leaves novyy
russky and speaks:
-You, a goat, do not see where you go? Shcha grandmas I posnimat!
A the man to it otvechayet:
- And I thought that you on red light do not stop.

*****

Comes, so the new Russian to the bar and directly from a threshold shouts in all golos:
-Well, a hda at you a toilet here?!
U of all from surprise mouths opened, anybody can tell nothing. And that all golosit:
-Where a toilet, I ask you?!? The bartender to it otvechayet:
-Will pass
togda along a corridor, there to the right will be a door with the plate of "Gentlemen". But you do not pay attention, all the same
zakhodite!

*****

The man to the neighbor - new Russian comes, and speaks:
-Listen why your goat in my kitchen garden smells cabbage?
-Because goat. Does not know that money does not smell.

*****

New Russian comes into hotel and through the secretary orders nomer.
-In number, - speaks, - that there was a TV set, a sofa, a komputer, video, a
vanna-jacuzzi, etc. and etc.
vecherom comes back and except ordered sees two potryasny telok.
-Who is it? - asks at sekretarshi.
-It, etc., etc...

*****

New Russian comes into expensive jewelry Swiss store i
speaks:
-to me it is necessary a gold chain on a neck thickness in a hand. To crying beshenye
dengi.
a to it otvechayut:
-you were mistaken the address, here opposite Hardware shop, tam
poprobuyte.
deystvitelno, opposite the new Russian finds shop with tsepyami
lyubogo the size and color. Chooses thicker and is more yellow, latches on a neck i
sent home. At the airport it is asked to remove a chain, as it meshayet
metallodetektoru. He to remove - a chain in any. At last, through a couple of hours, s
pomoshchyyu a chisel and a hammer the lock managed to be broken. Turn it i
chitayut: "Only for mad dogs. Disposable".

*****

The son of new Russian comes into a bathtub in the morning and his father in a sink mochitsya.
-sees that baht, you forgot that such cleanliness?
-you cho the son, yours for the sucker hold me here? Cleanliness it is pure weight divided into purely volume.

*****

- Why is a new Russian gold chain?
- To make it clear where to stop when he shaves.

*****

The new Russian domoy:
-calls Alya, the aunt Katya, me to talk to mother!
-Yes it on economy came - with an axe to a roof polezla.
-With an axe! On a roof! Well at you and a lawlessness!

*****

The New Russian calls the friend from "Mercedes 600" po
sotovomu telefonu:
-Petya, how many will be 2х2? zadumyvayetsya:
- And you buy
PETYA on other end or sell?

*****

The new Russian on radio:
-calls Sing the song for my friend!
-What?
-A h@y knows it, she did not tell... As call
- The girlfriend? Now I will look at
-... - thumbs through a notebook, - aha, here - for Natashki. Though is not present, I, apparently, on last
nedele ebat this... For Svetki!
-So for Natasha or for Sveta? And from whom? Yes and tell
-: "For all blyady from Vovan"

*****

Call to a door of the house of new Russian. The wife opens. The representative known trade doma:
- The Dear madam is on the threshold, allow to offer you our catalog of the latest receipts about which your
sosedka told that you are not able to afford them.

*****

Call to a mansion of new Russian (HP). The gatekeeper (P).
(P) approaches phone - I Listen!
(HP) - Vasya! Rise to my wife and tell her that I will be pozdno.
(P) - Ho your wife already went to sleep!
(HP) - Anything, go and tell!
B to a tube are audible retreating footsteps, and through some time ppiblizhayushchiyesya.
(P) - Petrovich, I told how you asked, but your voice because of a door otvetil
me that I was moved away! - Immediately take
(HP) the gun and shoot this reptile in my bed!
slyshny shots and topot.
(HP) - Petrovich, I made everything how you asked, but the man jumped out in a window i
ubezhal through sad.
(HP) - What garden? Near my house there is no garden!
(P) - Means you the brother was mistaken number!

*****

- You know, than new Russians differ from the old?
-Old were picked by a finger a nose, and new the antenna mobilnogo
telefona.

*****

- You know, how many cell phones are necessary for New Russian when it goes to shop?
-How many?
-Two. In one to speak, and to show another, where to turn

*****

Means, bury the new Russian of his buddy. Grobovshchiku
govoryat: "That the coffin was from mahogany, that with muzykoy
bylo! And that on a cover there were 4 holes and in the bottom of 16 holes". Well,
grobovshchik: "I understand everything, but why 4 holes on a cover?" Koresha
govoryat: "And where it will be fingers suvat?" - "Well, a 16
dyrok below? "
-" and how we will incur it?"

*****

2050th year. with the 6000th Mercedes humpbacked Zaporozhets cuts and sharply brakes in front of the traffic light. The Zaporozhets,
estestvenno, beats Merce Szadi.
iz Mersedesa gets out Supernew Russian in an infrared jacket and with a mobile videophone. From the Lock slowly
vykhodit the old man and speaks:
-Same collection model, manual assembly! The man, you even ne
predstavlyaesh, on what grandmas you now got...

*****

2030th year. New Russian gets for the firm a novelty - the secretary robot with Pamela Anderson's appearance,
pechatayushchuyu with skorostyyu
500 signs in the minute speaking 8 foreign languages and possessing encyclopedic knowledge. He,
estestvenno, invites the friend that pokhvalitsya:
-You look, Kolyan, what cool telka, everything is able!
-Yes, Vovan, this yours! Listen, maybe, and same to buy me? Give I ee
tut che-nibud I will dictate, type potestiruyu.
-Without market!
vovan leaves an office. Suddenly in a few minutes awful shouts are distributed from there. Vovan catches for golovu:
-Oh, a pancake, I it forgot to warn that it has in a mouth a sharpener!

*****

The 600th Merce with solid mister at a wheel stops on svetofore.
tut the bum approaches a window and speaks:
-Sorry, you could not to me 100 rubles, and that to me is nechego.
-So after all you will spend on drink them, correctly?
-Is not present that you! I never in my life used alkogol.
-Well means, on cigarettes potratish.
-Is not present, I do not smoke and even never proboval.
-Well means, will blow in slot machines or in cards with same as you bomzhami.
-By no means! I in general in gamblings not igrayu.
-Well then you will spend them for women?
-From all women I met only the bride who became then my wife, and then from me ushla.
-Well then get to me into the car, we will go to me home, there we will have dinner together, and then I will give you not 100, but 1000
rubley.
udivlenny the bum gets into the car, Merce moves, and after a while the bum asks:
-Forgive, and your spouse will not become angry when sees, what such here type how I, eat with you at one table?
-Most likely yes, but it that will be stoit.
-Why? I want
-Ya that it saw, in what the one who does not drink turns, does not smoke, does not play, does not dance and
nalevo does not go.

*****

The husband and the wife played golf. The platform was near dachas of "new Russians". The wife, so in passion: thrashes from all
sily on myachu.
husband it straightens out supposedly do not beat so strongly, and any to the cone a window you will break that and there will be to us curtains. His wife not of
slushayet thrashes further. Here Bach, also broke a window. Well to do - went izvinyatsya.
stukayut to doors - they are opened by the man of years 35.
oni speak:" You excuse us, please, we did not want. "
(And a ball, having got to a window, still broke the ancient Chinese vase standing nearby.)
A that man says that and so, you broke a vase, and I am a genie, I sit already there 300 years, you released me. To you
ZA is 3 desires. Only with one condition: to each of them on zhelaniyu.
husband at once:" To me that in each bank of each country there was an account on a lemon of hryvnias. "
dzhinn: "Is made".
Wife: "And me that in each country there was the smart house. "
dzhinn:" Already sdlano, now documents will bring. And my desire such: understand: I sat 300 years in this vase, 300 years of
vozderzhivalsya, give I your wife tr %% well. "
husband for pleasure even staid without turning a hair supposedly as hochesh.
dzhinn with the wife went upward, made everything that is necessary. Lie on a bed and the genie speaks:" And to your husband how many years? "
Ta: "30. And what? "
muzhik:" such big - and believes in genies."

*****

New Russians play soccer. In the middle of game, one nezametno
udalyaetsya to edge of a field, pulls out a radio telephone and very quickly nabirayet
nomer:
-Vas, well you grazed give, or how?

*****

There is ypok in novorusskoy shkole.
(At) chitelnitsa: Vovan, leave to a board and tell us the theorem of Pifagopa.
(B) ovan: To nature I cho-to do not catch up with B, but on markets the sum of squares katetov
pavna to a square gipotenyzy.
(At): You drive!
(B): Б#я I will be!
(U): You drive!
(B): Б#я I will be! Hy on kraynyak is slightly more...

*****

There is a Sotheby's auction. The picture known mastera.
auktsionist vigorously is on sale says put frazy:
- The Initial price - 100 000 pounds! Time!
-200 000! - from zala.
-300 000!
-300 000 - time, 300 000 - two...
-400 000!
NU, and so on. Here the door opens, two new russkikh.
sekund enter twenty watch at the events, then vosklitsayut:
-Million!
auktsionist a little udivlenno:
-Million - time, one million - two, one million - three! It is sold!
TUT one of new Russians speaks:
-Well here, Vasya, bought a card. Now went behind a souvenir.

*****

There is a game "Who Wants to Become a Millionaire", the last question before one million. The new Russian cannot think, and
vedushchy speaks - You have two helps: help of the friend and help of the hall. The new Russian chooses the help of the friend, also
speaks:
-Vovan calls, send couple of boys, here the man does not want to give one million.

*****

There is a cruise across the Mediterranean Sea, on the deck there are two new Russians i
beseduyut about affairs. Suddenly the ship swings also one of them falls in the sea. That,
kotory fell, calls about the help. His interlocutor stares down, potom
speaks:
-Ivan, well you look there that everything was normal.

*****

There is a bear on the wood sees the car burns, got into the car and burned down.

*****

There is a transfer "That? Where? When?". The leader speaks:
-Dear experts, will ask now a question new Russian of Vovan.
vovan:
-Dear experts, my name is Vovan. Two months ago my buddy Kolyan borrowed from me $1000 and not otdal; month of
nazad Kolyan borrowed from me $2500 and not otdal; a week ago it borrowed already $5000 and again not otdal.
vnimaniye, a question: who in a black box?

*****

There is a service to churches. The priest goes and a censer waves, here from crowd "new Russian" moves forward and speaks popu:
-Slysh, the man, can do this and not my business, but you have a man purse gorit.
r.s. A man purse - a man's, small handbag for documents.

*****

There are two new Russians to the third on birthday. Here one of nikh
vspominayet that the birthday man called him and asked to buy parsley, fennel i
prochey greens for salata.
-Wait a moment, - speaks, - Serega asked to it greens kupit.
- There are no problems! Now in the next obmenka a course we will look...

*****

There are new Russians on Alexey's palace Mikhaylovicha.
odin to another speaks:
- And Leshke Mikhalychu is lucky, to what palace otmakhat!
-So at you, Vasek, is not worse on Rublyovka?
-So I on the, and it on the budgetary built.

*****

With the last bit of strength the climber gets on top of Everest, lo and behold, and there two jeeps and friends tusuyetsya.
-you as got here? - asks on.
-that Got who to us hammered an arrow here!!!

*****

The spoiled overage sonny of the oligarch calls in a hysterics to the dad on Korsiku:
- The Father at night, help out... Full p %%%% c! The bucks are necessary, it is a lot of bucks!
-That else befell you, eblan?
- The Girlfriend on the third month... A deadline when still it is possible to make abortion!
-It everything?!
-Is not present... Still the house was burned on Rublyovka during a party...
(Silence in a tube)
-Well, I congratulate... Blyaaaa... It was necessary only to root out a tree!!!

*****

The special designer for children new russkikh:
"Dismantlings" is made.