Jokes about peoples

Read funny Jokes about Germans

<** Previous Topic          Next Topic **>

299  300  301  302  303  304  305  306  307  308  309  310

Caucasus, Elbrus, joint Russian-German gruppa
alpinistov, approximately middle of a route. Begin nadvigatsya
oblaka, to blow into a gusty wind, generally, pi …, e - a snow-storm. The chief of group, the German, skilled (but not in our mountains)
alpinoid, decides to remove group from a route. For this purpose it (knowing a little Russian) contacts on a handheld transceiver KCC
(control - a rescue service) and asks to send behind them the helicopter (well the bourgeois, well you will take). On a handheld transceiver,
estestvenno,
podrobno explain him the further plan of its actions … Rasstroyeny, he goes to group and says the phrase, for a long time
stavshuyu a symbol polnoy
bezyskhodnosti:
khelikopter nikht! Popistofali …

*****

It is known that Hitler was extremely hypochondriac and suyeveren.
one day he summoned the prophet to learn the budushchee.
-my Fuhrer, I see in the books, what you will die in day Jewish prazdnika.
-What?
-Oh, the Fuhrer in what would put you died, he will become a big Jewish holiday!

*****

How anti-fascists welcome each other? Throw up the left hand for a back, and shout: "Antizig antikhayl!"

*****

The retaliatory group of fascists went to catch guerrillas. Suddenly in the wood of a zakukoval kukushka.
- The Cuckoo, a cuckoo, how many I needed to live? - asked fashist.
-So much, how many my bullet flies, - with a bass "cuckoo" answered.

*****

Kohl (the former chancellor) and Schr?der (the current chancellor) sit on the river bank and fish. The crowd of the curious watches
oboimi. Kohl hooked fish and right there beats her on the head. Dissatisfied exclamations are distributed: "Villain, murderer, glutton!".
KOL became nervous, threw out fish in vodu.
tut to Schr?der back fish on a hook gets. He pulls out it, puts on knees and tenderly irons. The audience be touched.
shreder tells Kolyu:
-Understood? All are happy, and the small fish all one will die.

*****

Competition from a trademark the Cheerful Fuhrer - vyrezh three lodges in the Russian village - and a helmet with runes.

*****

Concentration camp in Poland for Jews. There are series of prisoners, gray uniforms, gray tired faces. Among them there is a girl of
vneshne not similar to the Jew. It draws attention of one of the German officers. It approaches it,
ostanavlivayet and a tycha in the six-pointed star embroidered on a uniform, asks:
-to Jude? (Jew?)
devochka looked on nemtsa
-Is not present up, blya, the Texas ranger!

*****

- Bought the praised German juice extractor, and it slomalas.
- And you squeezed out a lot of juice?
-Yes slightly apple and orange, and already on birch it was covered...

*****

The tape novostey.
v Germany at a wheel is detained the foreigner in which blood the lethal dose of alcohol is found three times... All
rossiya looks forward to the announcement of a nationality of the violator!

*****

Lv_v. Day of a pob?da. B_lya of a pam'yatnik to Shevchenk sto§t is older the veteran, obv_shany medals і p’ є than Lv_vske beer.
p_slya of a skin kovtk to be bent і to a splyov є. To pass by sk_nkhed. Zupinya?tsya: "Attacks a vuyka, yakb vi in the 45th
n_mts_v did not beat, infections Gyosser would saw".

*****

Small, shaven bare, the boy goes with mother on rynku.
vidyat there is picturesque such Caucasian (a full set: cap, nose, etc.), and speaks:
e! Malchyk! Beri t-shirt! Vidish Vayt Prayd Vorld Vayd! Well try on! Wai! Real skenkhed!!! Bayusbayus!!!

*****

The world went crazy: the best rapper - the white, best golfer - black, France accuses America of arrogance, and
germaniya does not want to be at war.

*****

Meeting of patriots. Ha to a tribune next orator:
-Tribespeople! People Russian!!! I will tell you about one tragedy which happened literally the other day. My friend Vasya of
pupkin, people deeply - I emphasize: deeply! - law-abiding, having drunk a vodka bottle, came to a balcony,
perelez through a handrail and broke. And here, submitting to the law of some British with an evrrreysky name Isaak,
vniz fell and broke to death!!! How long the West will impose to Russia the laws?!! How long, I ask you?!!

*****

- Yes my grandfather with barehanded went to fascists! You told
-on a bear!
-you would See that bear! Fascist!!!

*****

- Men, me in army zabirayut.
-As so, you have an enuresis and platypodia?
-to me saidi:
-For Germans you will be.

*****

- We keep our reporting with a match "Poland-Germany" .
idet only the fifth minute of a match - and Germans already conduct prisoners!

*****

We sell only high-quality cars from Germany - not demanding what investments, simply SAT DOWN and went to
avtoservice...

*****

On the anonymous island the Russian, the German and frantsuz.
vdrug the German vstrepenulsya:
-Children sit, look! Here on a raft the woman floats! It we will divide
Kak? Let she to herself someone from us will choose
frantsuz:
-!
NEMETS:
-Ya I think, we should cast lots!
-A you what will have options? - they ask at russkogo.
tot is enough a cudgel and ukhryapyvat oboikh:
-Options, options! What, on hr*n, here options?!!
posle of it it hurries towards to the woman and it is joyful vosklitsayet:
-to Drink is?!!!!
-Is not present!
-Fie you, devil!!! Such guys fell to no purpose!!!

*****

For the tenth anniversary of the wedding of steam went to travel to Germany. Passable through Schwarzwald, they are
uvideli the index with an inscription 'A well of desires'. They stop at a well, read instructions then the husband,
zagadav desire, throws a coin into a well. The wife, having bent down over a well too to throw a coin, loses
ravnovesiye, falls and sinks. The husband, coming back to the car, speaks itself sebe:
-It is necessary, and he and the truth acts!

*****

On the road hours lie. Passes by accurate nemets.
-Hours? In dust?
podnyal, took out a kerchief, dusted, put on a pure place, on a podstavochka, went further. Approached anglichanin.
-About hours? Proverim.
sveril with the chronometer, corrected for twenty four and a half seconds, put back, went further. Our
poyavilsya chelovek.
-Aha, hours?! Go? Go. Went with me.

*****

On the international quiz at the Frenchman, the German and the Russian was asked, what part of a female organism most
privlekatelna for muzhchin.
frantsuz:
- The Person. It is possible to fall in love only with him from the first vzglyada.
nemets:
- The Magnificent bust. It is the most exciting part female organizma.
russkiy:
- The Main thing in the woman - long legs. Quickly to run in shop to the man behind a bottle.

*****

On certain islands in the Pacific Ocean landed: Germans, French, Americans, Jews and pysskikh
(all on 2 men and 1 woman). There come with ppovepkoy:
u Germans only two men. "Where lady?" - "Drowned - nikakogoporyadka" ;
U of French - one lady. "Where men?" - "I loved Jean, and Zhak
lyubil me. Jacques killed Jean, and I killed Jacques" with ;
U of Americans - all in norm and all are happy … with
U of Jews - two men and two ladies. "From where the second?" - "Got"
U of Russians - all as is described. "How solve sexual problems?"
-"on even days of week she is my wife, his mistress, on nechetnym
naobopot, and on days off we beat her" - "For what?" - "As for what? - for бл#$ство!»

*****

At a press conference Goebbels speaks American zhurnalistu:
-If your Roosevelt got to himself SS as Hitler, you would have no gangsters for a long time!
-is exact so - they all would serve as standartenfuehrers!

*****

Ours time.
germaniya sends the missive to China: "We declare war. We have 5 tanks and 221 soldiers."
kitay sends the answer to Germany: "Agree. We have 18 000 tanks and 5 000 000 soldiers"
germaniya: "We ask to consider our declaration of war invalid as we do not take available sufficient
kolichestvo place for placement of prisoners of war."

*****

The German comes back from a trip to Russia, tells: "Everything is excellent, I will not understand only, than among
russkikh the cat of our Minister of Foreign Affairs so became famous?."

*****

The German speaks russkomu:
- And we have in Frankfurt so much sausage! Fifty grades!
-A-a-a! Mother expensive!!!
-That with you, Vanyaa?
-Was frightened! Imagined sausage of the fiftieth grade!

*****

The German gives interview for 1jj.ru:
-Correctly say that you have two troubles: fools are also dear! Here in the 43rd went to you - that the caterpillar will fly, the fool of
S the grenade, and then in general an ukhaydokala wheelbarrow, so I also am guilty remained - 10 years of camps.

*****

The German arrived to Russia on VAZ. Goes and all razglyadyvayet.
odin did not sustain a hand, asks at perevodchika:
-That looks at hands? He in Germany bought
perevodchik:
-Zhiguli, here and looks: can at you that with hands not so.

*****

The German - russkomu:
- And at us is in Munich so much sausage! 46 grades!
-A-a-a! Ma - and - ama - and!!!
-That with you, Ivan?
-Was frightened! Imagined sausage of the 46th grade!

*****

Germans seized the Russian village. Brought together all men to villages, divide to a goal, built in one rank of all,
A on a trunk endow bags, it was only visible the member. And in the same rank put the soldiers, also undressed them.
Wifem was told that who will determine the husband by the member, we will not kill that just like that we will release. Well
pervaya means goes looks on members and a finger ukazyvayet:
-It is mute, do not wash it, it is mute, here moy.
raz removed a bag from the head precisely ee.
idet vtoraya:
-It is not mine, do not wash it, do not wash it, here moy.
cnyali precisely ee.
idet tretya:
-It do not wash a bag, do not wash it, do not wash it. It at all not from our village.

*****

To avtomobit new national German - Ghetto Volkswagen.

*****

Let's train in German on a Gestapo method!

*****

One Russian speaks drugomu
-Listen and you know Germans that appears Russian speak!!!
-As it???!!!!!
-A here so. They went pokazhu.
podkhodyat generally to the German and the first man speaks emu
-Kiss me please in zadnitsu
nemets in turn does round eyes and speaks: "YOU????"
-Me me and my companion too!!!

*****

Once one gaulyayter visited "napola" (NaPoLA = Nationalpolitishe Lehranstalt, national and political educational
zavedeniye). Children it is learned answer on standard questions:
-Who your father?
-Adolf Hitler!
-Who your mother?
-Great Germany!
- And whom you want to become?
-Full orphan!

*****

Once it seemed to Goebbels that Hitler became too known. He comes to Hitler and offers it
zamenit a greeting "Hayl Hitler!" on old "Good afternoon!". On what the Fuhrer objects: "Well is not present, dear
gebbels! So far I in power - not to happen to kind day!"

*****

One German was thrown out from work. He received benefit, and other work cannot find. Asks for financial support at
druzey, but those refuse. In a month the dude buys the smart car, the smart house and still giving on Malyorka.
druzya, having gone nuts, sprashivayut:
-Hans, from where you have so much money?
-Is not present anything more simply, I submitted the announcement to the newspaper, approximately such contents: "I am the poor Moroccan, I want
vozvratitsya home, but I have no money for the road..."

*****

Olympic Games. Run on 100 meters. Fans encourage svoikh.
amerikantsy:
-Gough! Public educational institution! Public educational institution! Slow motion
ispantsy:
-! Rapido! Rapido!
NEMTSY:
-Shnell! Shnell! Shnell!
estontsy:
-of That stoishsh?!!!

*****

Competition among the best bear-hunters of Russia, Germany and the USA will be organized: for a minute the light is turned off, and during this time
konkursanty have to open the safe and drag off from it dengi.
-Americans in a minute could not even the safe vskryt.
-Germans managed to open the safe, and here money to take time not hvatilo.
nastal a turn of Russians. Turned off light, marked minute. Time came to an end, judges try to turn on the light, and it is not
vklyuchayetsya. At this time the voice from temnoty:
-Wan is distributed, you just filched hundred million, on a horse-radish to you a bulb?

*****

Approaches granddaughters to Dedushke:
-Ded and how you were at war, what people were at war?
-A, pi ** races all!
VOT came Germans to me and my fighting friend once and speak: "If hand over guerrillas, we you otjimey and
otpustim and if is not present, then we will kill you. My companion handed over all, him otjimet and released. Here so Vot.
-Ded, and with you that was?
-A KILLED me!!!