Jokes about peoples

Read funny Jokes about Russian

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In boutique new Russian with the spouse choose a tie. - prodavtsu:
-Show to NR that green tie. Supruga:
-What green, you che, woodpecker. You want to look as the sucker? NR:
-Well then the crimson! Supruga:
-You the jacket crimson zadolbat me ten years ago, and now also the tie was going to buy. NR:
-Well, and blue! Supruga:
-You still blue buy. Then precisely on St. Petersburg will be similar. New Russian silently gets a trunk and shoots the at
golovu. Povorachivayetya to stunned prodavtsu:
-Hear, the brother, black give.

*****

In the hotel elevator two Japanese, the Tatar, Russian, the Ukrainian and the Armenian go. One Japanese silently speaks drugomu:
-Look at these Russians - all as like as two peas!

*****

In office which is engaged in repair of cell phones,
vkhodyat two: the healthy new Russian all covered by gold,
I ma - and - alenky, plyugavenkiya an intelligentishka. New russkiy
podkhodit to a window on which "The receiving and delivery of orders" is written,
vytaskivayet from a pocket phone and throws it into a window with slovami:
-"That it for a tops of vegetable!!! "
IZ-for his backs the intelligentishka runs out, thrusts the head in okoshko
i speaks:
-"Forgive, Nikolay Petrovich asks why phone does not work? "
devushka living on that party of a window takes phone and bears ego
proverit. After a while it comes back and protyagivayet
novomu to Russian other phone supposedly that is broken, look etot.
novy the Russian takes in hand telefon:
-"That it for a tops of vegetable?!?!?!? "
intelligentishka:
-" Nikolay Petrovich is interested how it works?"

*****

Sent joint crew to space - ours and Americans. The American looks in a window and speaks:
-What thirst for knowledge at the Russian people. Flying by over Russia, I see thousands of telescopes directed on nas.
russky thoughtfully scratches turnip and speaks:
-It not telescopes, they from a throat drink it.

*****

In a compartment of the train the granny speaks bratku:
- The Young man, you could not free for me the lower shelf?
-I Can, mummy! To you in what compartment?

*****

Muscovite crashes into the 600th Mercedes at the intersection!
IZ of a Mercedes leave 2 mobsters and with shouts" well you a pancake got" go to Driveryu.
.Driver "Muscovite" himself leaves with "kalashy":
means so, you, showing on one of mobsters,
bystro sucked away at the second!!!
delat nothing.... Everything ended with
kogda, "Muscovite" quietly uyekhal.
pervy bratok:
- The Brother, a pancake, urgently lift ours, from under the earth we will get it!!!
VTOROY:
- Yes not, the brother, you che, normally settled!!!

*****

As humanitarian aid of the UN discusses projects of the coat of arms of Rossii.
predlozheniye of SShA:
- On the Russian coat of arms surely there has to be Cupid: he naked, is armed i
vsem offers love.

*****

In Russia designed the superall-terrain vehicle and invited foreign experts for it otsenki.
burzhui long and with admiration examined this miracle of equipment and, at last, saidi:
- And that only these Russians will not think up if only not to repair the road!

*****

- In what similarity of new Russian and potatoes?
-Or will put in the spring, or will clean in the fall!

*****

In the USA passed competition on the best knowledge of Russia. Awards pobeditelyam
-trip to Russia. The first award - two weeks, the second - three weeks.

*****

The big fellow with a massive gold chain on a bull neck comes into tourist agency. It sprashivayut:
-Wish to get the permit?
-Well, in nature. To Canary Islands it is necessary to me, blin.
-you were lucky, we in gorode.
-have no cheapest permits, it is no good. To me for the chief. All is necessary to the chief most dorogoye.
-you know, all of you equally came to the address. We can provide presidential apartments in five-stars otele.
-Is not present, it not podoydet.
-Forgive to the chief, it why?
- The Chief does not love society. It is necessary to it separate villu.
-But it will cost absolutely special deneg.
-Money - not yours problema.
-In principle, it is possible. And what else there will be wishes?
-Is necessary that on three kilometers was not uniform live dushi.
-It, of course, possibly around, but will cost very big deneg.
-Money for us a minor question, the main thing that the chief was dovolen.
-Well, then we can offer you a separate two-storeyed country house, in only two hundred meters from berega.
-It is no good. The chief loves, when five meters, not bolshe.
-But, sorry! It is absolutely impossible. In Europe there are sanitary standards... At such distance from the coast of
vill it is simple net.
-Well transfer a country house, perhaps. These are your problems. We platim.
dlitelnoye time the staff of tourist agency call up, send and accept faksy.
-Well, we will execute your order. Let's specify once again detali.
-Davayte.
-Two-storeyed separate villa.
-TAK.
-In a radius of three kilometers of any live dushi.
-Yes.
-Five meters from the seashore. By itself, everyones other aksessuary
-view of peak of Tenerife, seagull...
-of Feet. Seagulls?! The chief does not love when birds shumyat.
-But same the nature, so to speak, the integral attribute of rest on more.
- Attribute, tell? All right, let will be. Only it is necessary that they were silent and flew about a country house at the coast from right to left,
A on the other hand flew from left to right in three kilometers from villy.
-But... same it is impossible! Same wild nature!
-Wild, not wild. We or pay, or not berem.
prokhodit two weeks. To a balustrade of a separate country house on the Canary Islands there is a new Russian in brocade
khalate and with a massive gold cross on a hairy breast. Stretches half awake, scratches a breast and looks: on
nakatyvayutsya sand lambs of rare waves, the rising sun gilded a top of peak of Tenerife, from right to left in single file
letyat of a seagull with tied klyuvami.
-Eh, beauty what... Nature... Good fortune!. And I am a fool, all money, money! No, not without reason people tell - not
V money happiness!!!

*****

To a purgatory there arrived a new Russian. Talks to it arkhangel:
-That you want?
-Well, first, the abrupt house of squares so on 200... That do you know
-about soul?
-Yes, of course, three bathrooms with a firm shower... I ask
-Ya that you know about rescue...
-Of course, lattices at windows, okhranu.
-I ask that you know about soul!!!
-O to soul? The soul is obliged to work and day and night...
-So. In its shower, with lattices, let it is washed eyelids vechnye.
- And you are able also to wash?

*****

The fellow in naushnikakh.
na breasts at it comes into a reading room of rural library the Japanese player is stirred. Gets the book and sits down smotret
kartinki. Trudges. The librarian and when to her udayetsya
obratit on itself the attention of the guy, asks it to switch off the tape recorder approaches it. Paren
estestvenno vozmushchen:
- And here in civilized countries do not forbid to listen muzyku
through to a player anywhere!!!
-B civilized countries in shops of the battery is, and benzinovyy
dvizhok with the generator in your backpack in addition also smokes...

*****

At school for new Russians there is a teacher - a chain gold on shee
versty three, a pood cross two, fingers up, teeth shiferom.
-Well, children, twice two will be four, clearly? And who did not understand, seychas
na fingers I will show...

*****

Carried somehow the refrigerator party of live penguins for zooparka.
no suddenly decayed. Heat, degrees under sorok.
sluchilos it at Gaishny posta.
vodila the refrigerator approaches the GAI officer and speaks:
-Listen, the commander, help! Hot, I am afraid penguins will take rest!
NADO them in a zoo somehow?!
gaishnik: - Let's think up something starts stopping everyone, doye6yvayetsya on melocham
(a belt will not fasten, there is no fire extinguisher, etc.) but does not take penalties,
A asks to throw a couple of penguins to a zoo. For an hour sent almost all penguins. Remained two pingvina.
gaishnik real 600th "gelding" where two sit chisto
konkretnykh bandyuka.
gaishnik brakes: - Men, please, bring penguins in zoopark.
bandyuki: - There are no problems!
berut of penguins and uyezzhayut.
prokhodit three chasa.
mimo this post are passed by that "gelding" with the same bandyukami.
na back sitting happy penguins with ice cream sit and sharikami.
gaishnik brakes all this pi3gobratiyu.
gaishnik: - Men, I asked them in a zoo otvezti.
bandyuki: - Not ssa the commander, in a zoo were, at cinema were, now we go to circus!

*****

The man of penguins in a zoo from one city in another is lucky. The car special with a refrezhirator, like and with
basseynom. On an entrance to the city at it something is critical falls off and it brakes directly on KP. Runs to the first
GAYu (To the traffic police worker on yours) and prosit:
- The Commander, rescue, penguins rare, expensive if in 30 min. not to take to a zoo - on a heat will be bent nafig!
-Is not present problems, now dostavim.
gay the first-aid kit, the fire extinguisher, a sign of an emergency stop, belts,
protektora depth, a penalty on a place starts braking everyone, according to the scheme "Or give a lift to 2 penguins to a zoo"
Tak of all stuffed, the last the 2nd shower with two bratkami.
-In a zoo bring to the 600th ptichek.
-Shcha, in 5 min. we will be there!
proshlo an hour and a half by KP flies that the 600th, in windows mobsters and two happy pingvinya of a muzzle are visible. And krichit:
-You che them carry their GAY
tormozit, them in a zoo it is necessary!
-quietly the commander as you told, so we also made, in a zoo were, at cinema were, now we go to Makdonal to eat.

*****

The crew where there was the first Vietnamese astronaut returned from flight. You the first astronaut of Vietnam take from it intervyyu:
-, what impressions at you about kosmose.
-Oh, space horoso, round a zvezdoska beautiful, and in the knoposka rocket beautiful …
-A why you have such blue hands? It from overloads?
-A Russian everything strikes me a bargain, everything beats also a rugayes: - Nisego, narrow-eyed, do not touch here!

*****

Spring of 2011. New Russian comes to an abrupt magaz with delikatesami.
tak!!! Rub banks of black caviar, two boxes red and thirty grams of boiled buckwheat.

*****

The new Russian sees - the granny passes the road, and on it the cart flies. Also he decided to help babule.
krichit ey:
-Hey, the granny! Type this... oops!

*****

In a court yard at an entrance on a shop sit babulki.
tut the abrupt jeep, vykhodit
iz it new Russian taxis up to an entrance, sees grannies and begins nayezzhat:
-That seated, old bags, at my entrance, in nature?
ODNA from grandmothers otvechayet:
-That you, the sonny, on us rugaiss? Absolutely an old age not uvazhayesh.
ya here the granddaughter I will complain to the of you, it exchange in offense not dast.
-That?! To what - such the granddaughter? What, specific boy? So pust
zavtra on dismantling comes, we will have a chat. Well, the grandma,
pereday the granddaughter, tomorrow in five on this place strelka.
-Ladnot, peredam.
na to an entrance come the next day five jeeps with friends,
rassredotochilis on the yard, surrounded an entrance, bits, machine guns,
vse as it is necessary. New Russian at the head of crew. Babulki
sidyat on the same lavochke.
-Well, the grandma, where yours vnuchok?
-Yes somewhere zdesya. And where - hto knows it, it at me the sniper.

*****

New Russian from the USA comes back. His friends sprashivayut:
- And what there most of all struck you?
-Men, you will not believe: their dollar in accuracy as our dollar!

*****

Near building stops "Mercedes", leans out of a window novyy
russky and offers rabochim:
-Men, roofing matheral is necessary, I give one hundred dollars! What mozhete
tolknut?
Te became stupid from neozhidannosti:
-All! Brick, cement, glass, foreman...

*****

Volvo clings the jeep at the intersection. All stop, children in sportswear throw out of the jeep and the driver of Volvo.
-suits
K Well all the man, you got! Sell the car, sell the apartment, from you money!
-Children and who you are such?
-We? - with astonishment - We are athletes! The man gets the gun and, loading ego:
-Well then ON START! ATTENTION!.....

*****

Question: In what similarity of new Russian and potatoes?
otvet: Either will put in the spring, or will clean in the fall!

*****

- Here at you and all hands in rings, and tri
mashiny, both the five-floor house, and a toilet bowl zolo-
ty, and instead of toilet paper - gazeta.
pochemu?

*****

The doctor speaks to the new Russian which broke ruku:
-plaster nalozhit.
-On which to me your plaster Is necessary?! - that is indignant, - Impose marble - I pay!

*****

Zaporozhets crashes into Mercedes. Mercedes leaves two jockstraps, approach the old man who the Old man sat in Zaporozhtse:
-, you got on big grandmas! Know
starichok:
-, my grandson works at poultry farm. I now will call - he everything ustroit.
through approaches hour the armored personnel carrier, it leaves OMON fighters, break hands to jockstraps. The commander approaches to starichku:
- The Grandfather, well how many time to tell, not poultry farm, but Berkut special group!

*****

Old Honda crashes into Mercedes. Leaves Mercedes zdorovyy
ombal, pulls out the driver from Honda and begins e... t ego.
muzhik from Hondy:
-Ukhkhkh, ukhkhkh, at Honda a wheel from the right!!!

*****

The Muscovite crashes into a good mashinu.iz of the Muscovite the old man, from the jeep 4 languid dyadenki.tot, what for rulem:
-Well che, the grandfather gets out?! you got! in... to a tyutelk!
ded:- And you in general men real?
-Well che for questions? of course!
-Means, correct you men, huh?
-to the Market is not present, correct!
-you four, and I one... it is correct?
-(Mobster thoughtfully) daaaa... not correctly...... so! (askancing at friends) Vasya, Petya for you!....
-(old man tensely) Now us three, and you two! again incorrectly!!!
-(the mobster backhand) Hernya, the man, go!!! Ourselves will understand!....

*****

All know, what charity has to be modest?! Tak
vot, one new Russian drew the check in $100000 for charity and... ne
podpisal it.

*****

After success western the ebay.com auction Internet, the Russian businessmen opened the domain with the following
subdomenami:
ebay.ru - the Main domen.
na.ebay.ru - Sales department and kontraktov.
po.ebay.ru - Tekhpodderzhka.
za.Ebay.Ru - Advertising and PR.
pod.ebay.ru - Communication with konkurentami.
pri.ebay.ru - Work with creditors potentsialnymi.
ot.ebay.ru - Work with creditors sushchestvuyushchimi.
pro.ebay.ru - Department on a swagger-mazhoram.
s.ebay.ru - Department of payment of taxes.

*****

Two new pysskikh:
pomnish my apartment meet? I in it rails laid to
DA.
TAK, the tram ходит.
Кpyто:
Кpyто abruptly now, and here when in a toilet I hurry, all equally it is necessary to catch a taxi.

*****

Three new Russians behind a shot glass meet and discuss,
kak have a rest their wives... The
1st-y: - And here bought the putevochka to Cyprus, on mesyachishko,
5 of asterisks hotel, let pooddykhat in human conditions... The
2nd-y: - He, Cyprus is already yesterday's day. I the on the Bahama islands,
mesyatsa on three, in a bungalow on the coast of the sea... The
3rd-y: - Well children, I not such abrupt as you... I the е#$ть will be!

*****

Two new russkikh.
odin to another speaks:
-Vstechatsya I heard, you buy a country house in Italy? Yes, my firm made
-money on hedgehogs, here and pokupayu.
-As it on hedgehogs?
-Yes our firm delivered hedgehogs to Europe, for fight with field vreditelyami.
-Listen, the brother where you took hedgehogs in such quantities? Well it is simple
-: the rat undertakes, is painted with a varnish and further dries the hair dryer.

*****

Two new Russians met, got to talking. Conversation came about them bothered Wifekh.
- And I from the it is easy izbavilsya.
-As?
-Bought it "Chevrolet". She on it went, speed - under 200, and here - turn... The car - into smithereens, the wife - on
tom svete.
-it is healthy, it is necessary poprobovat.
through nedelyu:
-Well, how are you doing?
-is bad. Bought it "Chevrolet". She went, speed under 200, turn, the car - into smithereens, the wife is living ostalas.
-Hm, well, try "Alpha omeo" .
through nedelyu:
-Well, and now as?
-Is all the same bad. The car into smithereens, a column - into smithereens, the GAI officer stammers, and she gets a think hide!
-of Hm... Well, try "Jaguar" .
ESHCHE through nedelyu:
-Well, how are you doing?
-is fine, it was necessary to begin with a jaguar at once. It was not necessary even to go anywhere - it it directly in garage nakh@y
razorval!

*****

Meeting new russkikh.
kazhdy gave with itself a vast object security guard. And only at one - puny, undersized, painful vida.
-It at you the cool fighter?
-Well, absolutely nikakoy.
- The Sniper? Never of the weapon in hands derzhal.
-So why you it for yourself drag
-?
-(Stroking the security guard on the head) - And it at me already the fourth, all take it for me.

*****

Meets somehow new Russian of another new russkogo:
- The Brother, you have six-hundredth "Mercedes"?
-Not - and...
-A a country house with the pool?
-Not - and...
-A that, maybe is not present the yacht?
-Ne-et...
TUT suits another new russkiy:
-You that, in nature, to the boy stuck? You do not see, it still absolutely new!

*****

Meets somehow new Russian of the devil. Chert:
-Hear, the man, I offer the transaction: you the soul bequeath me, and ya
lyubye three desires vypolnyu.
-That, directly any, huh? And poorly to make the cobalt car with the license na
vyvoz?
-Here to you car and litsenziya.
-That, here directly then? And poorly to make the steamship of red mercury s
litsenziyey on export?
-Here to you parokhod.
-Well, you, the man, give! And I that have to you?
-One more desire and soul after smerti.
- And you can make the account in the Swiss bank and one million dollars na
schetu? Here to you schet.
-Hear
-, the man, Well give after all between us, boys. To anybody ne
skazhu. Give on the honest. Whisper in ear: in what after all focus?

*****

Two schoolmates meet. Novy Russian, and prostoy
sovetsky inzhener.
- Vas, it you? On the 600th Mercedes, in a red jacket?
VED at school you always had one two. On mathematics u
tebya twice two always to five equaled. About a square root ty
voobshche never heard! I - school with medalyu, institute s
krasnym the diploma (looks at the coat) - a full bum...
- You ponimayesh Sanek. Everything is very simple, in nature. I go v
germaniyu and I buy a beer barrel for 1000 dollars. I come home, its
tolkayu for 3000 dollars. Here for these two PERCENT I also live.