Jokes about peoples

Read funny Jokes about Russian

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The new Russian in shop of funeral accessories considers groby.
-Kak you think what better to buy? It
is hard to say, - the seller answers, - zinc, of course, is more durable. However wooden it is more useful for
zdorovya.

*****

New Russian in militsii:
-By my brand new car hooligans wrote the indecent word!
-What?
-my aristocratic education does not allow to say this word, I will report on bukvam.
tak here, the first letter of this word - as the second letter of the word "ear",
vtoraya a letter of this word - as the first letter of the word "ear",
A the last letter of this word - as the last letter of the word "h@y"...

*****

New Russian - nishchemu:
-I never give money to those who begs on ulitse.
-But we can come into restaurant!

*****

The New Russian (NR) ordered clowns on birthday of the daughter, and is not here those and is not present. The Izbalovany girl already of
nachinayet to cry and here someone knocks on country house gate. Obradovany NR runs to open - and there 2 bomzha:
-Hozyain, work any is not present?
Well go, cut firewood, on fifty on a snout dam.
oni and went. Meanwhile time goes, clowns are not present, the daughter in a hysterics. NR leaves on a backyard, far away from cries and
vidit such picture: one of bums twists somersaults, runs up a fence, jumps from a fence on a tree,
vtseplyaetsya in a branch teeth and hangs. NR was stunned, jumps up to the second bomzhu:
-Slushay! And your buddy could not repeat all this for my daughter? Hundred dollars to everyone!!!
BOMZH:
-Vas! And for a stolnik of dollars you will substitute the second egg under an axe?

*****

The New Russian (NR) is driven to a very young modelka after pokaza:
- The Beauty, I am so struck by your beauty that is ready to execute any your dream!
-exact any?
-Without questions!!!
-U me the father and mother worked in house-building combine, and I always dreamed to have own
domostroitelny combine. I want to build the most beautiful residential district in Moscow and to settle there all five-storey apartment blocks of
rayona where I live!
-A can better the singer? - fateful sadly asked NR...

*****

The New Russian (NR) built the new house, big, 4-storeyed. Ordered expensive furniture, left at home young
krasivuyu the wife, and itself went on rabotu.
priyekhali workers from firm on delivery of furniture - 2 loaders and Driver.
prignali the big truck with the trailer. Started unloading, bringing quickly and accurately and montirovat.
through more than 4 hours the furniture stood still put by it, all in integrities and safety. The wife of NR said goodbye to
nimi and showed the door them from doma.
oni got into the car. One loader asks:
-Or I did not understand something, or to us did not give tip?! Now everything I will settle
-Ya, - the second loader speaks and got out from mashiny.
zvonok. The door is opened by the wife of NR.
-Hello! We here to you furniture unloaded
-Zdravstvuyte.
-, everything is normal, you are happy with everything?
-Yes, and what?
-Well - at, I do not know, at us it is necessary to thank diligent rabotnikov.
- And you who?
-Ya - the loader!
ONA takes him by hand, carries out to the room, seats him in a chair, undoes a fly and does to it minet.
minut through 15 it stunned comes back to the druzyam.
-Well?
-Men, what there tip! She so cool sucks off that me
nikakikh tip it is not necessary!!! Anything you are not able to ask
-, - the second loader speaks, - I now sam
vse will take!
zakhodit, repeats the same!
Driver speaks:
-Everything, bothered me! I too want a cocksucking!
zakhodit.
-Hello!.
-Yes.
-Ya came behind tip!
-A you who?
-Ya - the driver!
-Wait nemnogo.
beret a purse and takes out from it 100 baksov.
-???????? The husband told
-A to me: to loaders x-y to suck, and drove you will give hundred dollars.

*****

The New Russian (NR) wakes up on hospital koyke.
nichego does not understand. Looks round on the parties with huge udivleniyem.
tut the doctor (D).
NR comes into chamber: And, the buddy, well tell chyo I here on a bed do and as I ochutilsya.
d here: Eee, you know, it is very difficult to me to tell. Understand, such huge kollichestvo
alkogolya it skazyvtsya very badly at work of a brain and...
HP: Yes you chyo, a cudgel, and well quickly to me drive the SOBER DOCTOR!!!

*****

New Russian seductive zhene:
-Darling I, of course have no anything against, but for God's sake, explain me
zachem you bought new "Mercedes", just the same today, as well as yesterday? You Understand
-, darling, I was late to Slava Zaytsev for fitting, me
nado was urgent to it to call, and the next phone was in salon firmy
"Mercedes", I called, and then, judge itself, I could not leave s
pustymi hands from there!

*****

New Russian opened a photo salon and advertized: "Priglashayu
fotomodel for erotic shooting. Payment by hard cash on a place. For an hour raboty
-20 thousand dollars" .
nabezhala a heap long-legged, selected one, all evening removed in vsekh
pozakh. Comes new russkiy:
-Well, the photographer, how many nasnimat?
-Hundred twenty kadrov.
- And put endurance what?
-1/500 sekundy.
-Well you, the maid, in nature and on half a second did not acquire:

*****

New Russian on hunting starts up an arrow from onions. Runs behind it, finds in a bog, and nearby the frog sidit.
i speaks lyagushka:
-Take me home, put on a small pillow, a kiss and I will turn into the beauty! Home I you will take
-, on a small pillow I will put, and to kiss will not-answers it new russkiy.
-Why? - asks lyagushka.
-Beauties much, and the speaking frog is cooler.

*****

New Russian brags to guests of the collection ancient oruzhiya:
- And here the most rare copy: the gun from which shot Yuliya
tsezarya.
-But Romans did not know guns in those days!
-Here and I say that it is a unique thing!

*****

The new Russian writes from Italy to the acquaintance: "I send a photo, it v
muzee near Apollo. Which in shorts, it I".

*****

The new Russian led the son in a zoo, and to direktoru
zooparka.
-How much is your zoo came then? I would buy it for the syna.
-From me idea better. How much is your son? I would buy it for
svoyego a zoo.

*****

New Russian with the girlfriend on an abrupt wheelbarrow comes back with zagorodnoy
progulki. Comes around in God the forgotten small village - to buy the cook-koly.
neozhidanno the car surround badly dressed and emaciated lyudi.
"Blood-suckers!! Parasites!! Bourgeoises damed!! etc. and etc.
NAM here. Yes all of us by cards buy!!! "
novy Russian opens a purse, gets "VISA GOLD" and obeskurazhenno
speaks: "Yes we, blya, too..."

*****

New Russian approaches in bookstore the seller, stretches a sheet of paper and asks
- The Man, you have this book?
prodavets takes a leaf, on it is written "D. K. Miron. While - that" .
prodavets long looks at a leaf, then at the buyer, at last knowingly nods and parts hands.
-Unfortunately, we now do not have this book. In exchange I can predlozhit
poslednyuyu Shakespeare's work on interior design - "Decoration of a rafter".

*****

New Russian caught a goldfish and speaks:
-trust to me big dom
ona to an emu:teba or by installments?
novy Russian: you on sunflower oil or on the creamy?

*****

The new Russian buys a picture at hudozhnika.
nr: - And it here why all such?
H: - And it because I so vizhu.
nr: - And why then you do not wear glasses???

*****

The new Russian buys the apartment and asks:
- And it is the silent apartment?
-Very silent! The previous owner was shot down - so anybody and did not hear!

*****

The new Russian buys Rembrandt and asks:
- And the guarantee is, what it not counterfeit Rembrandt?
-Yes, is, three years!!!

*****

The new Russian buys superfancy Cadillac. However next day it comes on it back to
avtosalon and zhaluyetsya:
-Here radio does not plow that for a tops of vegetable!
prodavets to it speaks:
-Radio here completely automatic - it reacts to a voice. Vam
nuzhno only rather loudly and accurately to call that you want to hear,
I everything will be in poryadke.
nr nazyvayet:
-Elvis PrIf.
tut the corresponding composition played. Here NR remembers that recently went to a concert of classical music of
(type I too the cultural person, a pancake!) and says:
-Beethoven. the 5th simfoniya.
tut the corresponding work great klassika.
dovolny played, NR leaves. On the way he continually orders various melodies and listens to them. Suddenly some man of
pryamo before it steals a march, and NR, having managed to slow down in time not to bring down him, Mudak shouts to the man vdogonku:
-!!!
TUT the next composition interrupts and by radio is heard golos:
- And now we bring to your attention the report of the U.S. President George Bush.

*****

New Russian, buying "Lamborghini" in salon, interesuyetsya:
-Why two strips along the middle of a cowl?
-not to deviate when you go on two continuous...

*****

The new Russian receives on a mobile phone text soobshcheniye:
"we Congratulate! You won sex service. If your mobile phone with the vibrator, thrust it to yourself into an ass and we
vam will call back soon."

*****

New Russian gets on the sky. God to it speaks:
-You in life made any good deeds?
-Yes, time of the bum fed, time of church of 100 dollars pozhertvoval.
bog gets a pipe, to someone calls. In 5 minutes there come 2 angels. God im:
-Give him 100 dollars and a bowl of soup. And let slides to all devils!

*****

The new Russian visited the Zoological museum and calls priyatelyu:
-Hear, Kolyan, appears, we with you type chordates!

*****

New Russian sat at restaurant, was not bad taken, solved ekhat
domoy. It is a pity for the jeep on excite to beat - catches a wheelbarrow. Caught pervuyu
popavshuyusya - the trolleybus and speaks Driveryu:
-Drive home!
-Where?
-B Zelenograd! So as I will reach
- There - wires are not present there?
-On you and vezi:
Driver quickly found one thousand dollars somewhere accumulators, prisobachit, edut.
podjezzhayut to Zelenograd. Driver:
-I cannot go Further - saw as perekopano.
novy the Russian muddy eyes watches everything in a window, beats itself on lbu:
- The Pancake! Same I by the subway came back home yesterday!

*****

The new Russian argued with the same new Russian on ten tysyach
dollarov who more long under water will stay. Both drowned.

*****

The new Russian who was satiated with life, everything seeing and having everything,
zagorayet on a beach and suddenly sees in water a goldfish, tsap it and speaks:
- And well, think up to me three desires!

*****

New Russian comes on
NA "MERCEDES" car service and asks posmotret
chto from it not so with mashinoy.
posle fast survey, to it speak,
-U YOU short circuit!!!
novy Russian (having got "press" of money):
-What problems, the brother, let's extend!!!

*****

New Russian comes to Rome. Something stops at a show-window of big shop and long razglyadyvayet.
-What is it? the Dressing gown - not a dressing gown, a suit - not a suit..., - he asks u
prodavtsa.
-It is a pajamas, sinyor.
- And for what it?
-put on it at night. Do not wish to buy? There is yours razmer.
-Neeeet. At night I sleep.

*****

New Russian comes to a supermarket on the six-hundredth. Minutes through 20 it leaves and sees that on the spot of its "Mercedes" of
stoit completely "Zhoper" killed ushastyy
on whom the note is pinned: "I was simply compelled to hijack your car. If do not trust, try
poyezdit on mine".

*****

New Russian arrived on rest to Dubai. Went on vse
ekskursii, looked at the city. But it is sorted wildly by curiosity,
kak look the Arab women. As far as they are beautiful. And they,
kak to spite, all in a burqa. At some point not vyderzhal.
proveril around, whether is not present nearby Arab muzhikov.
podbegayet to one. Lifts a burqa. Then zadumchivo
opuskayet. Costs, dumayet:
-Da- And, what humane nation...

*****

The new Russian bought bank in Paris. Walked on office and zametil
kartinu times of "cold war" on which were it is represented gruppa
vooruzhennykh the people of a gangster look coming under Triumphal arku.
kartina was called: "Russians go!" The new Russian calls up upravlyayushchego:
- The Picture quite good, but... Find the artist and change her soglasno
nastoyashchey deystvitelnosti.
through week the Russian conducts the same picture at office. Vooruzhennye
lyudi are dressed in red jackets now. The picture was called: "New russkiye
idut!"

*****

New Russian comes to car showroom and speaks: "I supposedly want to take partiyu
100 thousands of pieces, but before it to hold own testing" .
rabotnikam a motor show it is a pity for the cars, but 100 thousand pieces... Agreed well. He chooses five super-puper
inomarok, drives them on the ground and starts in turn on brick walls. Every time approaches, examines,
otsenivayet povrezhdeniya.
"And on what model you stopped the choice?" - employees of car showroom ask. On what the new Russian answers:
"Generally I not cars, I tested bricks."

*****

New Russian comes to the dentist. Sits down in a chair, otkryvayet
rot and the dentist is stunned: top jaw platinum, and nizhnyaya
- The gold! Having been stunned the dentist asks:
- And than I can help!???
-As than? You put a signalizattion.

*****

New Russian comes in book magazin:
-to me, please, the book, "30 puppies".
-That, what?
- The Book, is called, "30 puppies", the daughter asked very much...
-U is not present us, probably, I do not know something such, and who the author? Yes here the daughter wrote to
-something like that...
cmotryat - is written to "ZOSHCHENKO".

*****

The new Russian comes to tour agency to buy round with okhotoy.
-On a bear hunted? On a tiger? On an elephant? It everything I tried
-. Something poostree.
-it is clear to me. Vasya, is yours kliyent.
zakhodit huge detina.
-Exotic hunting. Nearby. garantiruyutsya.
obyazatelno dress thrills red pidzhak.
vyezzhayut in the country wood, Vasya:
- At you how many with yourself cash? About a piece
-baksov.
-is good. Wait some minutes here, I descend to in - about - n
toy to group of hunters-beaters, dogovoryus.
vasya approaches three huge big fellows, armed ruzhyami:
-Friends, that goat in the red ran into debt me piece!

*****

New Russian comes in turbyuro:
-I Want an extreme!
-U us is the permit to Alfa station.
-So what is an extreme? There millionaire tourists "Union" pachkami
vozit.
-Personally for you we can organize "Shuttle".
-O! Cool! But I am compelled to refuse. I am a thrill-seeker, but not the suicide!

*****

New Russian came on a visit to not really new Russian friend,
kotory did not want to lose face before the guest and on a table gave ikru.
prines black, and new Russian in otvet:
-Faugh, I it already el.
dal krasnuyu:
-Faugh, and it too I el.
dal kabachkovuyu:
-Faugh, too already someone ate it!

*****

The new Russian wakes up from a terrible hangover and obnaruzhivayet
ryadom in a bed the girl - a miracle, the queen, the genius of pure beauty,
sama innocence and obayaniye.
on comes off a sticky sheet, dobredat to a mirror i
rassmatrivayet sebya.
myatoye the ugly person. Small piggy eyes. A forehead in pryshchakh.
zheltye teeth. Low overgrown forehead. Loose-hanging belly. Curves nogi.
on again are translated by a view of the girl and in horror hvatayetsya
za golovu:
-My God! It it is necessary to love money so!!!