Jokes about peoples

Read funny Jokes about Russian

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The foreigner did big tour across Russia. At the end puteshestviya
korrespondent takes from it intervyyu.
- And here you visited Baikal. How it was pleasant to you?
-Oh! Baikal! Unsurpassed beauty! Great! Perfectly!
-A as to you were pleasant Kizhi?
-Oh!! Masterpiece of wooden architecture! Such it is more ne
uvidish anywhere! It is delightful!
-you visited St. Petersburg. Well and how to you?
-Oh!!! Winter Palace! Granite embankments of Neva!
admiralteystvo! Amazingly!
-Well, and what your general impression from the country?
-Terrifying.

*****

Interview to the new Russian who bought the 600th mers:
-recently As to you managed it and why it took so much time?
VY of the whole three years bought it! Well you will buy
-so far until you drive - here and three years!
-Go we will look at your Mers.
-Come.
otkryvayet garage. - Here first Mercedes, here the second, third,
.... the 598th, 599th...

*****

To "eternal flame" podjzzhat some "Mercedes-600",
vykhodit group of "new Russians", and starts doing shish kebabs. K
NIM the penalty which was stunned by such impudence militsioner:
-From you flies up: "five hundred pieces".
-Have conscience, the lieutenant. From where "five hundred pieces" - at nas
myasa only kilogram...

*****

The sonny and asks:
-Fathers runs up to HP, here to us set on stories here, and I do not understand: "Over the house Agamemnona
tyagotelo a damnation". What is it?
-Racketeers, sonny, racketeers...

*****

The shop of household goods is approached by abrupt "Mercedes". There is a representative man, approaches to prodavtsu:
-you for installation of a tile have daggers?
-Is, konechno.
-Give tysyas 20-30...
-???... And... And why to you it is SO MUCH?
-Yes... At the chief of a bee died - ordered to bury with honors...

*****

To the new Russian - the businessman the foreign delegation came to office. Came into an office. The businessman shouts in priyemnuyu:
-Valya, prepare for me coffee, and this to three huyam - tea!
vdrug one of delegation speaks:
-to Two huyam, I am a translator.

*****

To "new Russian" the Father, the father runs up syn:
-, and Vovka Ivanov has a pneumonia!
-of Markets is not present! Tomorrow at you will be same. No, even more abruptly!!!

*****

To new Russian arrived to stay for a while the mother-in-law and next day propala.
den look for, two, three... In a week find dead under a bed in a bedroom for gostey.
novy the Russian gives the maid slap in the face and oret:
-so you a floor sweep It?!

*****

The 600th Mercedes, and on a tsvetafor already red gorit.
nu it on gases and on red light comes nearer to the intersection. Suddenly to it KamAZ from everything to a move vpilivayetsya.
nu traffic polices arrived to a bochina all the DELA.
DPS-nickname asks at (in) an oditel of the 600th: here tell me You're welcome,
chem you were guided when went on red svet.
(To) the 600th: well I thought the car bright, powerful, thought proskachu.
podkhodit to the driver of KamAZ. Traffic police nickname: tell,
A here you than were guided when went through perekryostok.
(B)KAM: H@y you at me will slip С$%&а!!!

*****

Somehow in the evening three girlfriends (1,2,3), wives of HP gathered, v
gostyakh at one of them and conversation on that came at them, naskolko
zhe successful marriages at them turned out. (1) another on the husband setuyet:
-Not further than yesterday I speak to the Kolyuna, buy a pier me
shubu from a mink. And it to me: why to you from a mink, you iz
enota, from a polar fox have a fur coat, from astrakhan fur is, here wait till fall, ya
denzhat podkoplyu and I will buy you novuyu.
-It still that, and I speak to the Vanya yesterday, a pier buy me
600 a Mercedes, all have all people as people, and at me is not present. :( A
ON to me: you supposedly have Ferrari, absolutely brand new model,
vsego only a month go, here podkoplyu than a money by fall and kuplyu
tebe mers.
- And at me is even worse, I speak to the Sana'a, buy a pier me
dachu on Canary Islands, and it to me: why to you on Canary Islands, at you na
mayorke is, in Rio de Janeiro is, in Jamaica is, budesh
tsely year to and fro to be wound, and to Canary Islands and you will not be in time, vot
podozhdi till fall, a money podkoplyu and I will buy you dachu.
- So let's the same drink, little girls as lived in shit,
tak and we will live.

*****

Somehow time drove new Russian on "Mercedes" in a column na
skorosti 100 km/h. Sidit:
-E-mine, my new "Mercedes", oh, my new "Mercedes", oh...
DRUG emu:
-Vas, look, you have no hand!!!
-of Open company, my new "Roleks"!

*****

As usual - the lock in a gelding crashes. The friends gets out and starts parting the grandfather. And the grandfather quiet such, speaks:
-Rebyatushki what to swear that, and give those better tea with pryanichka we will drink!
-Old, you that you drive, went the apartment to make out!!!
-of Rebyatushki, well comply the old man, we will drink at first to tea with pranechka!
bratva exchanged glances, well there is nothing to do, went in kabak.
ded gets because of a bosom an old copper lamp, is grated it and appears dzhin.
d: - well, give a piece of chalk, a seagull to us, with pryanichka, with sushechka!
DZHIN: - Moment, owner!
I to a nastola all at once also appeared. The friends sits with opened rtami.
bratva: - The grandfather, sell a lamp, and?!
DED: - Not, rebyatushka, you that!
bratva: - Well the grandfather, sell a lamp, we give one million dollars?!
DED: - Not, rebyatushka, you that!
bratva: - Well the grandfather, sell a lamp, we give two million dollars?!
DED: - Well, rebyatushka, it is necessary to think here!
koroche, the grandfather sold a lamp and left. The friends causes gin and zakazyvayet:
-is shorter, to all of us on 10 million dollars for nachala.
dzhin: - Neo, new owners, I specialize only on tea with pryanichka!

*****

Somehow the new Russian (NR) on "Field of wonders" got.
I after short game dropped out to it sector "prize" .
vynosyat in studio a black box, and Yakubovich right there begins torgovatsya.
-I do not want neither the money, nor a prize, - speaks, suddenly, NR, - razreshi
ya it is better in a microphone svisnu.
yakubovich in perplexity, but thought and razreshil.
beret NR a microphone and whistles. Then gives a microphone obratno.
-you just VAZ-2110 whistled! - the leader i
vynimayet from a box declares on all hall keys from avtomobilya.
- And on which to me your jalopy, - smiling says NR, - I posporil
s Vovan on the 600th MERS yesterday that all over the country I will whistle.

*****

- What are the ten years of the life of the new Russian hardest?
- From the first to the fifth grade.

*****

- What oligarchs more greedy: London or Moscow?
-Of course, Moscow: London all took away from us and went to themselves to London, and Moscow all took away and look, still that to take away
kak.

*****

- What is the first impression of foreigners Russia?
- Good ... Most want to go home.

*****

- What computer at new Russian?
- The 600th Pentium, the crimson monitor and the keyboard on two fingers.

*****

Keeler (To) gathered for work, sat down for masking in "big-eared"
rulit to himself, of business thinks...
vdrug, BANG... on the traffic light in the 600th vjekhal.
nu from a wheelbarrow 4 brothers vyvalilivatsya, grant the rights to swing, tipa
-got, you are a sucker on the grandma, the real estate prodavay
(To) - is Got by "Kalash" - In one rank BECOME!!!
-Rose...
-On the first - the second, RASChITAYS!!!
-Paid off...
(K) - the First numbers, fast the second ot%osat!
-You, chyo, in nature, will not be!!!!
(K) - Gives ochred in asphalt...
DELO went, "Lock" ukatil.
bratva goes further, the first nomera:
-Well, a kozlina!!! Well, a %idor, %izdets to it, now podymem
na tinsel we will tear the!!!!!!!
vtorye nomera:
-Yes, cho brothers, normally parted...

*****

The killer in bureau of funeral services orders a wreath to the friend. It is asked, to write
chto on lente.
-"Sorry, the brother, mistook".

*****

Classical situation - 600-ty and the Zaporozhets. From the 600th "brother" gets out, approaches to dedku
-Ty got! Chyo at tya is?
Money is not present, there is only a raccoon - a minyetchik!
Wow, and well let me try! The raccoon worked
koroche, "the brother in ecstasy!
-All grandfather! On you 1000 dollars, go! My raccoon!
prikhodit home, stops enota:
-Nauchish preparing, erasing to the wife, and went to a horse-radish from here!

*****

Club of new pusskikh.
khodyat there, communicate, drink, zakusyvayut.
vidyat some new man appeared. Approach to nemu
-Muzhyk, you in a course in nature here club are pure new Pusskikh.
-Znayu.
-U tya che, the gelding is?
-Het, but I have brand 06.
-U Zhiguli tya nuts on fingers is pure to an eye is?
-Het, but a wedding ring est.
-A a pipe is?
-Het, only zhetonchik on the machine gun full коpман.
- Yes you are a man who???!!!
-Ya - New New Russian.

*****

- Kolyan, is Vovan. I want to wish you that in coming new godu
u you there was any treasured desire.

*****

The Chrysler company, in the form of experiment, established black boxes on the last model
grand to Cherokee who wrote down the last words of the driver before avariyey.
through year results were collected. That is characteristic, in 67.4%
sluchayev accidents in the territory of the USA the last words of drivers was krik:
-Oh shit!!!
Ha of the territory of Russia, in 96.5% of accidents the last words of the driver were takiye:
-Be kidding, friends as I can......!!!!

*****

Competition between the German, the Pole and the Russian. Who will pass with a hangover po
trostinke through an abyss,
pozhmet a paw to a lion and will bang the Black woman, that will receive a bag zolota.
nemets goes. Only on a stem came, at once upal.
polyak goes to an abyss. Hardly passed an abyss, comes into a cave to lvu.
ottuda shouts, squeals, a lion's roar are distributed... Found polyaka
razmazannym on a wall in peshchere.
russky goes. Well that with a hangover you will not make... Through propast
pereshel, comes into a cave to a lion... From there miaow, groans are distributed lvinyy
rev... There is a Russian a cave, zasuchivayet
rukava and speaks:
-Who here should reap now a hand?

*****

Well, NR on the Mercedes across Moscow flies, anybody cannot stop it, at last somehow stop also
sprashivayut: You cho so drove
-?
-So there at entrance is written: "Moscow - 850!"

*****

The cat of New Russians is bathed in a gold bathtub, with vsyakimi
ofigitelnymi shampoos, wiped the Persian towel,
prichesyvayut, stacked, special people do to it manikyur.
i here in the course of overlaying of a varnish on the ground claws of Kot
novykh of Russians hears - neighbour's cats from the street orut:
-Vaska, let's go to walk!
KOT of New Russians imposingly gets over on a window sill,
perelezayet on a drainpipe and goes down on it. In samyy
posledny the moment his paw gets to bird's shit, on
poskalzyvayetsya, with squeal flies, plops down in a pool on a back i
tut becomes such dirty, lean, wet and pathetic. And vot
on lies in a pool on a back, holds paws with manicured kogtyami
pered itself and fatefully so speaks:
-Blya-aa-aa, a scoop - zayeba-is scarlet...

*****

Abrupt casino, midnight. On an entrance to it costs shestisotyy
"Mercedes", and at it shortly short-haired grandfather sits. Children iz
sluzhby okhrany:
-You who such, the grandfather approach?!! What horse-radish you partitioned off all road?!
dedok answers weak, shivering golosom:
-Raise to me hands...
EMU raise hands. The old man, straightening fingers veerom:
-Sha!

*****

- Who are the new Russian?
- heal the deaf with residual reflexes.

*****

Bought new Russian "Mercedes-600". Only decided to sweep,
kak an internal voice to it speaks:
-In the car is planted a bomb. Give to any bum keys,
pust will drive, and you posmotrish.
novy and made Russian. The bum took the wheel and only it i
videli.
through week the new Russian bought one more "Mercedes-600" .
istoriya povtoryaetsya.
eshche in a week the new Russian bought one more mashinu.
vnutrenny a voice again here as tut:
-In the car a bomb! Yes you lie to
-everything!
-Well, really, this time the foresight clearly me
speaks about etom.
skrepya teeth new Russian gives keys. The bum starts the car,
ona right there blows up. Golos:
-Devil take it! From where the bomb undertook?!

*****

Bought NR to himself Lego and bragged to the friend - look,
tut is written 2-4 years, and I in 3 months collected!

*****

Bought the new Russian gold TV. His friends,
tozhe new Russians come to it, looked at this business and sprashivayut:
-Listen as to watch this TV?
ON to them otvechayet:
-E, mobsters not to watch this TV, and it is necessary to show!

*****

Bought new Russian gold rybku.
ona speaks - release me, I any desire vypolnyu.
nr: I want 50 caxapa.
P cars: Well, structure already edet.
nr: And che, free of charge???
P: Konechno.
nr: And, I understood, on border the customs will detain...
P: No, problems not budet.
nr: Then, so cops freight will arrest...
P: Well, they and not uznayut.
nr: Well then bandits will take away a half...
P: Not otnimut.
nr, including the iron in the socket - I where you throw me will not understand something...

*****

The new Russian bought somehow a rubber doll for sex. Druzya
interesuyutsya:
-Well as?
-As? Yes as real! Even syphilis picked up...

*****

Bought new Russian Tamagochi. Well so far there shooters, dismantlings, meetings. Its time everything died, two died and still
raz died. Well it also gave Tamagochi to the wife. Look after, speaks more attentively that nobody died. Well and here
rasslablyaetsya it somehow time from kenta on a fazenda. Went to the pool to dive, and the pager on a little table left.
vozvrashchayetsya, and kenta to it govoryat.
-Well you abrupt, pancake!
-??? Those to it show to
A a pager, and there soobshcheniye.
"your dolphin sleeps after a dinosaur gavno cleaned, and the penguin all the same died, how many did not feed. Wife"

*****

The Mercedes-600 flies. The GAI officer whistles, a stick mashet.
mers stops, glass opuskayetsya:
-do not whistle, money will not be!
steklo rises, the Mercedes leaves...

*****

The passenger plane flies. New Russian and speaks:
-Men comes into a cabin to pilots, my girl has a birthday today, write afterwards from the I Love You plane, she from the earth will see,
EY will be priyatno.
piloty:
-You that the man, okhrenet? Same passenger plane, but not the fighter!
novy Russian gets a suitcase with dengami:
-Well write!
Te thought - money big - and decided to try. New Russian went to be fastened, and the plane began
zakladyvat bends. The plane wrote "I love you" and again set course. The grass creeps out of a toilet on cards nark:
-This! So inserted, already for a collar to himself shitted!

*****

New Russian by plane flies to Germany. The stewardess objyavlyaet:
-our plane in a few minutes will land in the city of Baden-Baden.
novy Russian (a dissatisfied voice, a raspaltsovka):
-Well, in nature, what two times to repeat? Not suckers fly...

*****

The plane of polar aircraft of AH-2 around a pole flies, vdru
gdvizhok began to knock. Only mudflows how nearby radio razvedchik
ef-111.
nashi:
-Children sits down, you that?
amerikantsy:
-Compelled...
NASHI:
-Oh, at us too!
NU, got a spirtika, saw for friendship of the people. Our pilot - by
shtatovskomu:
-Here, we Will be repaired, I you on "Annushka" only this way po
skorosti at any height...
nastupilo morning, pokhmelitsya, repaired. Our pilot -
bortmekhaniku:
-of Vas and on what I with Americans argued yesterday?
bortmekhanik:
-Yes, said that on speed we will overtake them... That we will do
PILOT:
-?
bortmekhanik:
-is fine, we will think up...
pered take-off ours hooked on a cable for a hook on еF-111, vzleteli.
v the American plane. Shturman:
-John, Russians 100m on a tail, change wing geometry. through
nekotoroye time:
-John, the Russian again on a tail, include a forcing of turbines. Still through
nekotoroye time:
-John, we are прое$ % of $, Russians only started changing geometriyu
kryla....

*****

The plane which is strongly overloaded flies. Started falling. The stewardess leaves in salon and objyavlyaet:
-Dear ladies and gentlemen, the plane falls, someone has to jump!
Bce sit and are silent. The stewardess speaks:
- Then I should jump!
vstayet the Frenchman, stops it and speaks:
-I will not allow you to be lost at such early age! And with shout "Long live France" jumps in lyuk.
through five minutes the stewardess again leaves in salon, and says that the plane continues to fall there is
anglichanin This time and with shout "Long live Britain" jumps in lyuk.
v the third time there is a stewardess in salon, Russian jumps here, and with shout "Long live Russia" throws out
negra.