Jokes about peoples

Read funny Jokes about Russian

<** Previous Topic          Next Topic **>

307  308  309  310  311  312  313  314  315  316  317  318

The Englishman, the Frenchman and the Russian fly in the plane. Height -
10000 of meters. Talk. The Englishman lowered a hand for a board,
potom looked at it and speaks:
-Over England we fly! From where you know
-, after all under us continuous clouds?
-U us could, whether know, here and the hand is a little in soot! Some time the Frenchman a hand for a board lowered
through, and kogda
dostal, speaks:
-Over Paris we fly! You as learned
-A?
- The Hand smells as spirits!
russky lowered a hand, got and speaks:
-Over Russia we fly!
-Why you so think?
-Hours and a ring removed!

*****

London. 600th "Mercedes" crashes into "Rolls-Royce" .
IZ "Rolls-Royce" at the intersection there is a new Russian and grievously kachayet
golovoy:
-did not manage to buy the new car, as again this sran
na "Zaporozhetses" here...

*****

The boy returned from school after usual and ochen
grustny. The father asks that with nim.
-Yes here fathers, you taught me to speak always only pravdu.
-Yes, the sonny, and I always tell the truth and to you sovetuyu.
- You know Tanka from parallel, well here I wanted ee
provodit, whether and it asked me there is at me a red jacket, a
ya told there is no it at me, and - and Mercedes, and giving two-storeyed. YA
VSE honestly also answered and it went with other boy, at kotorogo
byla a leather jacket, and I stood and long plakal.
- Yes. the sonny you correctly told everything, and it is necessary, but ty
muzhchina therefore should not cry. Hm, in principle you mozhesh
poprosit this red pidzak at our butler, you mozhesh
prodat old Rolls-Royce which I presented you on tvoy
pervy birthday and to buy this as it is Mercedes,
Ho, the sonny, because of each your new maid I cannot take down po
dva a floor from our giving!

*****

The billionaire Roman Abramovich strongly took offense at Maxim Galkin when that suggested it to participate in a
broadcast "Who wants to become a millionaire".
C of that time the program are conducted by Dmitry Dibrov.

*****

The young cop took to the highroad to work. Developed taksu:
s locks - a scar, from Muscovites - two, Zhiguli - five, with volg - chirik.
stoit, so works. Here, from nowhere - the Mercedes-600 on skorosti.
hu the cop taxis, clearly put, a stick waved - the Mercedes stood. The window chut
priotkrilos - and from there a sotochka of dollars - directly to the cop in ruki.
okno was closed, and the Mercedes left. Ha the next day - the same istoriya.
tot a Mercedes and again a hundred part to the cop. The cop dressed up, fattened, the machine bought,
garazhik, repair in the house made and already forgot about all other cars -
vyshel for work only of that Mercedes and zhdet.
proshlo time somehow time the Mercedes not poyavilsya.
i did not appear next day and then tozhe.
mentyara fell apart - extra earnings were gone, and it began to brake again everyone on таксе.
Где in a month - again the Mercedes poyavilsya.
ment again it brakes one and a half and how earlier from a window a hundred part of dollars emu.
ment in upset chustvakh:
-Excuse me, tell please, you so long was not - can that it happened,
problemy what?
-Yes not - and, the boy, all type top. With a family to Canary Islands went to holiday,
vot and was not me, - answered drove, closed a window and uyekhal.
ment stood-stood, and then angrily so through zuby:
-Blya, so it sho turns out - to have a rest on my grandmas?!

*****

The Muscovite in front of the traffic light crashes in fancy dzhip.
ottuda jumps out with abuse new russkiy.
inzhener at a wheel of the Muscovite shakes plechami:
- And I thought that you, abrupt, on red light do not brake.

*****

Two wash "new Russians" in banke.
-That it for a tattoo at you is lower than a back: 00-88AIA?
-It not a tattoo, is the wife pressed gas when I opened garage.

*****

The husband comes back from business trip and sees at podjezda
priparkovanny "Mercedes-600". Comes home. On a hanger -
krasny a jacket, on a table - a radio telephone, in a bed - the wife с
каким the man. The husband pushes the man in bok:
-You that do here?
-As that? You do not see - new Russians we do!

*****

The man comes from work in the evening, and to him the wife speaks:
-Hear, you an award for good work will be given out tomorrow! You from where know
-A?
-of the woman say Yes...
Ha the man comes the next day to work, to it give out an award, he wildly is surprised... Home comes, and to it Wife:
-Listen, you, speak, will promote soon! Who tells
-???
-of the woman say Yes...
I is exact, the man promote soon. Well he, naturally, rejoices, comes home and...
- The Hubby, speak, you for shortage will put tomorrow!
-?????
prikhodit for work, it under hands and in prison. He sits to himself in a chamber, misses, comes to him Wife:
-Listen what I the lawyer to you found!!! He speaks...
-On a horse-radish to me your lawyer! THAT THERE WOMEN SPEAK!!!???

*****

The man with the wife and the son sit at restaurant. Before everyone only salatik
i a cup of coffee. Behind the next little table of NR. The table breaks from vsevozmozhnykh
blyud. The child does not look away from a table. speaks:
-Let the boy will eat NR! (shows on the table) Thanks
Wife:
-, it is full!
HP:
-Let is not full, let will devour!!!

*****

Men are praised before each other Wifemi.
amerikanets:
-my wife is graceful, as a stem!
frantsuz:
-my thin, as blade of grass!
russky shook golovoy:
-That it for the wife? They in a bed a rake should be looked for.

*****

On the road: the Zaporozhets (l) of an okh props up behind the 600th Mercedes of Novogo
russkogo.
nr: You that, the man, okh@et?
L: Oh, forgive, did not look through!
HP looked - well from it to take? Also went dalshe.
na the following intersection the sucker again crashes in Nr.
istoriya repeats two more raza.
na the fourth time of NR in rage jumps out from the car. Lokh
sidit, does not leave and from salon waves a hand: "Yes the, that, the".

*****

On the bank of blue Danube the Czech, the Russian and the Slovak catch rybu.
kak is found, caught the Goldfish. It, naturally, prosit
otpustit for three desires - on one on brata.
chekh (having remembered 1968): Make
-so that there were no Russians!
russky (having taken offense):
-Let will not become Czechs! To
z.Rybka (Slovak):
-Well, and you that want?
SLOVAK:
-A you will grant desires of these two guys?
-Yes, of course, - I obeshchala.
-Well, then - a coffee cup!

*****

On birthday of the oligarch acted Monserrat Kabalye. Guests were in shoke.
takogo executions of "Vladimir Prison" they did not hear yet.

*****

On the road hours lie. Passes by accurate nemets.
-Hours? In dust?
podnyal, took out a kerchief, dusted, put na
chistoye a place, on a podstavochka, went further. Approached anglichanin.
-About hours? Proverim.
sveril with the chronometer, corrected on twenty four s
polovinoy seconds, put back, went dalshe.
poyavilsya ours chelovek.
-Aha, hours?! Go? Go. Went with me.

*****

Some six-hundredth "Mercedes",
vykhodit group of new Russians come out to Red Square, lays a cover, makes fire and nachinayet
delat shish kebabs. The penalty which was stunned by such impudence militsioner:
-From you flies up to them: five hundred shtuk.
-Have conscience, the lieutenant. From where five hundred pieces - at us meat tolko
kilogramm...

*****

At the intersection into the back to the 600th Mercedes crashes antediluvian bronevichok.
iz a Mercedes jumps out new Russian, fingers up, it is ready to fight. And from a bronevichka there is an uncle in a gray coat and
kepochke, with a ryzhenky small beard. The uncle Shchurit very good eyes, and speaks eherovtsu:
- And you, old man, not in that funny story stopped by. Felix Edmundovich!
rasstrelyayte, please, this bourgeois.

*****

At the intersection the Muscovite-412 crashes behind into Volvo-940.
Из of Volvo there is a person in a crimson jacket and, smiling,
idyot to Moskvichu.
iz of the Muscovite gets out the jacket frightened the little man in sports kostyume.
malinovy, continuing ulybatsya:
- The Brother! You were bothered too by these jokes about the 600th and Zaporozhets???

*****

On Rublyovka during ice of the road strew with pastes from Swarovski.

*****

On the traffic light on red light brand new "Mercedes" of a S-class stops. The driver looks in a mirror and sees,
chto behind at a full speed rushes .
"Zaporozhets" "Well, - the driver of "Mercedes" thinks. - Now it will crash into me! "
TUT crushing blow, noise, roar, ring of beaten glasses, metal gnash. The driver leaves "Mercedes" and sees that
V a luggage carrier of its car sticks out a muzzle of just the same 600th "Mercedes".
-A where "Zaporozhets"? - is perplexed Driver.
- The Hardware! It between us!

*****

At a music lesson the pupil, having opened a case for a violin, sees avtomat.
-Well there - with, the young man, and what it means?
-It means that my Father now costs with my violin in Sberbank.

*****

Inscription on grave NR:
SPI it is quiet, understood, a padla?

*****

The tax inspector asks new russkogo:
-you are sure, what a country house, five "Mercedes" and six apartments in the center vy
kupili on honestly earned money?
-A on what else?
-seems to me that all this is bought on national money!
-You che, wax?! From where the people have such money?

*****

The American general of pilots employs. Comes nemets.
rasskazyvayet, how many flew, in what operations uchastvoval.
general asks:
- And how many you want to receive? dollarov.
- And on what you them will spend
-of 3 thousand?
-Well as? I will put one in bank, one - a family, one sebe.
zakhodit the Englishman. Too tells, how many flew, in kakikh
operatsiyakh uchastvoval.
- And how many you want to receive? dollarov.
- And on what you them will spend
-of 4 thousand?
-Well as? I will put one in bank, two - a family, one sebe.
zakhodit Russian. The general asks:
-How many flew?
-Niskolko.
-??? What
-B operations participated?
-in kakikh.
-???!!! How many you want to receive
-A?
-9 tysyach.
- And why to you is so much?
-Well as? Rub - to you. Rub - Yourself. And for three German letat
soglasilsya.

*****

The German, the Frenchman and the Russian gather on rabotu:
nemets - woke up, got through the wife, approached the refrigerator, ate two eggs and went on rabotu.
frantsuz - woke up, climbed on the wife, approached the refrigerator, ate two eggs and went on rabotu.
russky - woke up, rose from that place, where was a bed, approached that place where was the refrigerator, scratched
yaytsa and went on rabotu.
dopolneniye: The Chinese - woke up, got through the wife, got through a lot of children, scratched that place where there were eggs and
poshel for work.

*****

The new Russian was called in tax politsiyu.
sprashivayut:
-Here you for last year specified in the declaration on the income, chto
zarabotali six million, according to our data, potratili
za this period at least eight million. What does it mean,
gospodin good? That zrachit
-that zrachit... Simply I cannot make ends meet!

*****

The new Russian is asked why he likes to go on naturistskiy
plyazh.
- And more fingers rastopyrivatsya!

*****

New Russian sprashivayut:
-Why you on dismantlings odevayesh
pidzhak red color?
-It if will wound me that bratki
ne noticed and did not tremble!
-A why you put on brown trousers?

*****

Stops the new Russian in the downtown gaishnik:
-So. Speed was exceeded, the belt will not be fastened... Well, from you sto
baksov.
novy Russian climbs in a pocket. Here behind one more foreign car,
IZ it approaches there is a man, and speaks new russkomu:
-That, problems, the brother?
zatem pulls out the cell phone, dials number and protyagivayet
gaishniku. That listens, is extended on a rack "quietly" and with izvineniyami
otpuskayet new Russian. The new Russian asks at muzhika:
-That it for phone?
-A is a novelty - cellular Kremlin luxury! Direct link with vsemi
"cones" up to Prezidenta.
-cannot be!
muzhik quietly dials number and allows to listen to new Russian. Iz
trubki:
- The President listens! Listen to
-, the man, sell!
-Yes you cho, such thing...
koroche, agreed on five pieces. The new Russian solves proverit
telefon and with violation of the rules again approaches besides gaishniku.
torzhestvenno dials number, but phone is silent. It again gathers and again...
gaishnik:
-Relax, the dude, it and last time molchal.
-So you, the fool, released us?
- The Fool not the fool, and "piece" for it in change I have.

*****

Newly made new Russian comes to expensive restaurant v
parizhe. Nobody pays attention to it. To it bothered to wait i
on shouts loudly: "To me a dish on piece of dollars! "By the waiter notices
prokhodyashchy: "We chasti
ne divide into about four portions."

*****

To new Russian the Father comes to a pager soobshcheniye:
", urgently deliver polar bears to Antarctica. Syplus
na geography."

*****

New Russians fill up in a tavern with wives. Approaches ofitsiant:
-That will eat? That can you offer
-A?
-Is an excellent dairy pig with a horse-radish and sour cream -
odna a crust such that fingers will lick! Well, perhaps, give
-. Only cut off a horse-radish - after all we zhe
s ladies.

*****

New Russian comes to Spain, to hotel and speaks
gornichnoy: "Tu ti that that that!" The maid does not know that delat.
bezhit to the uncle Vanya. He speaks to it: "It means - two teas in a 22-oy
nomer!"

*****

The new Russian on a fence of the giving wrote: "Carefully, zlaya
sobaka" .
KTO took and attributed: "the truth, it without teeth" .
novy the Russian thought, thought... also attributed: "But will drain in do
smerti".

*****

New Russian somewhere abroad in hotel comes in lift.
vmeste with it one more comes muzhik.
-Down?
-you are Down.

*****

New Russian goes in the 600th Mercedes and obgonyaet
dedushku on an old moped. Through some time in zerkale
zadnego N.'s type P notices a point on the horizon, kotoraya
stremitelno grows, suddenly he sees that it is the grandfather on a moped, i
malo that, this grandfather with a terrible ugly face overtakes it and stremitelno
unositsya afar. New Russian having been stunned by such impudence davit
na gas and in 5 minutes again overtakes deda.
uspokoilsya, goes further. Suddenly again, behind the point, opyat
etot the grandfather with even more terrible eyes overtakes him i
skryvayetsya from a look. The mobster in rage presses on a pedal, dostayet
deda and escapes forward. But here behind simply low-flying grandfather who is not going on a moped,
A with whistle rushes by and uletayet
vdal, the truth it does not fit into turn, and the crash - a bdrebezga moped flies in kusty.
shum. New Russian brakes vozle
avarii - sees: the grandfather lies, live, something wants to tell, mashet
emu. The mobster felt sorry for the grandfather, abrupt the racer, nado
pomoch thinks. You approach it asks
-it, the grandfather, you that can it is necessary something? ne
stesnyaysya.
a the grandfather shepotom:
-it is necessary Nothing to it, only unhook my braces from a mirror.

*****

The new Russian for big money bought vozmozhnost
prochitat the sermon in church. After the sermon it asks
popa, whether well it turned out. That otvechayet:
-In principle, anything, my son. But poverkh
ryasy you should not put on a red jacket. And fingers should be held shchepotyyu, and ne
veerom, and to christen flock a cross, but not a radio telephone.

*****

New Russian is filled up to the director of one firm na
rabotu (all as is necessary - the cell phone, a crimson jacket,
etc) .
direktora is not present on a place. The secretary offers:
-you leave phone, it pozvonit.
-Yes you che, the silly woman, became stupid, the pipe costs one thousand tanks!

*****

New Russian, having christened, demands in antikvarnom
magazine the cross worn on the neck corresponding at the price and the size ego
ponyatiyam about life. Sellers, being rushed off the feet, all bolee
tyazhelye and powerful "chains" - to that bear all a little. Having despaired, emu
prinosyat an enormous crucifixion. Having bypassed it around, new russkiy
udovletvorenno orders: - To remove the gymnast, ostalnoye
zavernite.