Jokes about peoples

Read funny Jokes about Russian

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The new Russian asks in tourist agency that-nibud
ekzotichnoye, and nearby. To it predlagayut:
-Excursion on haunts of vice of Moscow. Completeness, sharpness i
naturalnost feelings garantiruyetsya.
uznav that costs this pleasure of only a kopek - five tysyach
rubley, the Russian agrees with pleasure. In avtobuse:
-you were warned, what now for all day you are our client,
dolzhny to us to submit and have no right ahead of schedule zakonchit
tur?
-Is not present. And what program?
- At first a drunk fight in a pothouse, then a robbery, night v
vytrezvitele, in the morning - a sauna and restoran.
- And is possible at once in a sauna and restaurant?
-Is possible. Pay five thousand dollars of a penalty!

*****

The new Russian sits at restaurant. To it podbegayet
metrdotel.
-you shot our waiter!
-do not worry, enter it in the account.

*****

The new Russian is going to have a rest on Cyprus. At first tuda
priyekhal his secretary (C) also goes with the owner of a 5-zvezdochnogo
otel (X) on plyazhu.
s: And it che?
H: How that? Galka.
s: Pebble it is wrong, the chief does not love. To clean pebble, vse
posypat white pesochkom.
kh: But same it is very expensive!
C: We pay! (got a pack of cash $, paid off) day everything is strewed by Na
sleduyushchy peskom.
s: And it che?
H: Same sea!
C: What sea? Dirty pool! Generally to clean the sea, kameshki
ubrat, the wave has to roll each 30 seconds on 55
santimetrov.
kh: But you understand, same underwater engineering works, ochen
dorogo!
C: We pay! (got a pack of cash $, paid off) Through dva
dnya all as nado.
s: And it che?
H: Same chayki.
s: Any seagulls. To move away all! To leave two, pust
progulivayutsya on a beach and at all not vzletat.
kh: But same such loss of ecology moreover training of seagulls. .
C: We pay! (got a pack of cash $, paid off) Nakonets
priyekhal the chief. He on a pure white sand passed to the sea,
posmotrel on two seagulls who grandly walked on kromke
plyazha, sat down in a chaise lounge, inhaled a full breast fresh morskoy
vozdukh and said:
-My God! Well unless you will buy such beauty for money?!

*****

The new Russian died and got to a hell. Devils dress it in krasnyy
pidzhak, cover with gold chains, give impressive pachku
deneg and release. Around - spoloshny haunts of vice. Russian v
polnom ecstasy. Comes in kazino:
-I Put piece on krasnoye.
-Sorry, money not prinimayem.
podkhodit to baru:
-"Martini" with ice!
-Sorry, money not prinimayem.
zakhodit in restoran:
-Mushroom soup, a sterlet under a fur coat, a vodka decanter... Whether
-Sorry, of money prinimayem.
russky to chertyam:
-Can be bought something here?
-NET.
-But why?!
-Because is a hell for new Russians!

*****

New Russian - syny-vtopoklassniky:
- The Last time I warn you: not to frighten the teacher by me any more!!!!

*****

New Russian on the coolest most powerful wheelbarrow comes around on a gas station i
nachinayet zapravlyatsya. Hour pours gasoline, two, the tank not napolnyaetsya.
podkhodit to distribution and asks - that such, the second hour I pour gasoline, and everything is not poured?
A to it in reply: "So you switch off the engine!"

*****

New Russian comes home after a week hellbender and tells zhene:
- At me two news, bad and good with what to begin? Well, all right, frighten by
-. Begin with plokhoy.
-I lost all our property in a casino konkpetno.
-Well and good?
-Yes this my casino appeared.

*****

The new Russian in car showroom talks with menedzherom.
- The brother Means so. I need the car more abruptly, Merce's che-nibud
tipa, but only more abruptly, znachit.
- And you in general represent, how many it will cost?
-Yes to me to a pofig, brother. At me with yourself a case with dollars, tak
chto give call the price and show mashinu.
-Here, the good car (long tells what ona
navorochennaya). There is 120 000 dollarov.
-Aga. Abruptly. To B?r. Where here you have a cash desk? Go to cash desk, po
puti ostanavlivayetsya.
-Listen to new Russian, the brother, and it is possible to make so that the roof at moyey
mashiny was wine-colored?
-Is possible, only it will cost to you in addition...
- The Brother, I told you, what me your prices not volnuyut.
poshli to kacce.
Go to cash desk, on the way again ostanavlivayetsya.
-Listen to new Russian, the brother, and it is possible to make so that doors at moyey
mashiny were wine-colored?
-Is possible, only it will cost to you in addition. .
- The Brother, I told you that me your prices not volnuyut.
idut to cash desk, on the way new Russian stops. And tak
neskolko time while a roof, doors, to wheels and all the rest ne
stanovitsya colors bordo.
u kassy.
-Listen, the brother, tell, and the Bordeaux is green, huh?

*****

In avtoservise:
-Hear new Russian you, my car broke...
-I that at you broke? I to you interpret
- The Car!!!
-A is more concrete?
-Toyota, blya!!!

*****

The new Russian in a bath wants to tell something. Well... well... well.... Suddenly someone does not maintain: "Well already
khorosh to compare!!"

*****

New Russian in hospital all beaten, redressed. Patients ego
sprashivayut:
-That happened?
-So, I go on "Mercedes" under 180, I look, a pancake, ahead - the man na
loshadi pryot. Well I on brakes, but was not in time - kaaaaak drove is direct in it -
"Mercedes" into smithereens, it is so a pity for the car...
-Well, and the man is live or not?
-So to it that that - it bronze.

*****

New Russian in hospital popal.
ochnulsya, and around very young medichka and flit, and porkhayut.
odna from them sits down and asks:
-Tell, and you do not need the nurse?
-Is not present. The stoyalka does not work for me.

*****

The new Russian, the former poor student, tells the shkolnomu
priyatelyu (to the former excellent student, and now hardly making ends meet), kak
on does business:
-Here we will take cigarettes. There we buy for 1 dollar, and there we sell on 3
dollara. Here so for 2 percent also we live.

*****

The new Russian, all on envy, decided to buy ballistic raketu.
priyekhal in military unit, agreed, paid. One only confuses him - how to bring such vast object domoy.
ego calm: "Do not worry about anything! You need to call the address only. We press a button and through
pyat of minutes - it at you."

*****

New Russian is included into shop and asks a red matter, very accurately expressed red color that there was
NE too thick, not too thin. One for one shop assistant brings fabrics, lists the prices, praises highly
kachestvo; all counters are filled up with heaps of fabrics. Passed hour, at last, new Russian found what iskal.
-How many meters? - asks prodavshchitsa.
-you know, I brought a doll because of a hillock, so at it the uvula was lost somewhere.

*****

New Russian caused service on repair kompyuterov.
priyezzhayut employees and see, what in a mogitor corner healthy dyra.
-Chto you with it did? - ask те.
- Yes I part all city here, and to me some paper clip at a temple will twist.

*****

New Russian, having left restaurant, waves trolleybusu:
-Take to Solntsevo, I will give one thousand dollars. To Solntseva
trolleybusnykh wires are not present, but money considerable, went paren.
gde prispeshit where braked, and in front of the house vse
pereryto.
vse, - speaks, - I cannot go further, it is rummaged vse.
a, - new Russian to it, is I by the subway reached yesterday.

*****

New Russian carries out a free-fall jump. Flies there, kuvyrkayetsya.
smotrit - on a cloud the angel sits. The new Russian shouts emu:
-Hey, you, winged, what the hell you on a cloud hang out?
-Ya the archangel, I all mogu.
- And a jacket crimson and to a tsepk of a kilogram so on 15 is weak?
-Not question .
i suddenly with the advent of a jacket and a chain at new Russian parashyut
propal. He shouts on arkhangela:
-Hey you, a goat!!! Give a parachute!!!!
arkhangel looks down so appraisingly, sees - to new Russian metrov
30 to the earth to fly, and, yawning, speaks:
-It already to the highest authorities later.

*****

The new Russian leaves a wheelbarrow and goes to office. Towards to it -
starushka. It was bent, old, in three deaths, hardly the feet shuffles, and in vytyanutoy
ruke - a mug. In the head of new Russian instantly rushes: "Odinokaya
starost... inflation... market prices... beggarly pension..." He vdru
gstanovitsya feels sorry for the old woman, he gropes in a pocket zavalyavshiysya
metallichesky a stolnik, takes out it and throws into a mug. And neozhidanno
slyshit a heart-rending cry starushki:
-Iro - au-au - odes! You to me that in sour cream threw?!?!

*****

The new Russian speaks to the expert on zhivotnym:
-Tell me about verblyuda.
spetsialist:
- The Camel is a unique animal, he can not drink very long,
potomu that the drunk liquid is brought out of it very slowly in techeniye
dvukh weeks. And why to you it is the nobility?
novy russkiy:
-Yes a camel bought. Was kidding with nim.
i, having phoned to someone on cellular, Kolyan cried out in trubku:
-, estimate, this cattle will not sober up two more weeks.

*****

New Russian somewhere abroad in hotel comes into the elevator. Together with nim
zakhodit one more muzhik:
-Down?
-you are Down!

*****

New Russian with the lady comes into jeweler salon. While the lady vybirayet
ukrasheniya, new Russian, missing, costs aside - twirls on a finger klyuchi
ot "Mercedes". Passes half an hour. The lady runs from a show-window to a show-window, vybiraya
sebe jewelry. New Russian (addressing to the seller): Hear
-, you, the man, give wrap to me here that show-window, still that, and they are
pust of the house understands, and that me, a pancake, brothers in the kazena wait...

*****

The new Russian in the village, looks, there is an old man. It threw before nim
100 dollars. The old man rushed and picked up money. NR:
-Well you are drop, I for anything yourself so not povel.
starik:
- And who you are then? I do not know
-but if to throw before me a stolnik, I and an ear not povedu.
starik:
-it is fine, we will understand, - and threw dollars before a pig, that and an ear not povela.
ded:
-Well here, now clearly who you are.

*****

New Russian dictates the will notariusu:
-to my third wife I leave a country house on the Bermudas, my house vrachu
-hundred thousand dollars, the niece - six-hundredth "Mercedes".
A to my son considering that the main wealth is an honest work and health, I bequeath a garden shovel, the
sportivnuyu a hat and gym shoes.

*****

New Russian got a flat dish, there poured waters, aromatic oils,
lepestki of a rose put, herbs different. Hour held hands there, rinsed. Potom
dostal a file, sharpened nails from all directions. Too about an hour. After that stal
pokryvat nails a colourless varnish that shone. An hour more ruined. Then,
posle of 3-hour manicure, went to bed. Rises - under nails mud i
vonyayut fingers in the morning. He looked at Ml at this business and speaks:
-!!! Again in a dream scratched!!!

*****

New Russian with the daughter walks in Paris on Seine Embankment, and vidyat
khudozhnika behind work. The new Russian long looks at him, and then speaks:
-See, the daughter as the man without "Polaroid" suffers!

*****

The new Russian - to the friend: - You represent, I fell in love! But it 25, and me
65, but I am very rich! How you think, my chances will increase if I tell, what to me 55?
-your chances will increase if you tell that to you 75!

*****

New Russian goes as it is necessary, on black six-hundredth "Mercedes" .
neozhidanno at it takes a stomach. He stops near a public toilet, pays as the last sucker,
ZA an entrance ten rubles, run up to a booth, pulls the handle - is occupied! Minute, two, three, five...
ON on the verge of a shame oret:
- The Man, you that, got stuck there?
-U me lock.
-Fie, pancake! And here this sucker with "lock"!

*****

New Russian zhaluyetsya:
-Because of affairs I pay not enough attention to a family. I see the son uryvkami.
net even time him properly to flog. I am limited to clips and kicks. As if
rugat of was not necessary then: the pier, overlooked...

*****

The new Russian complains priyatelyu:
-Estimate, the brother, well, everywhere kidalovo! Bought for office from auction to Kristivaz Min's dynasties for 50 thousand dollars, and
ona, a pancake, it was Chinese!

*****

New Russian is filled up to the director of one firm for work. Bce
kak is necessary - the cell phone, a crimson jacket, etc. Directors are not present na
meste. The secretary offers:
-you leave phone, it pozvonit.
-Yes you that, the silly woman, became stupid, the pipe costs one thousand dollars!

*****

The new Russian climbs in the 600th Merce. There sits grustnyy
vodila. NR asks:
-For what you long, bratello? I 5000 dollars a month pay you,
kvartiru bought, the mistress I pay, on Canary Islands have a rest regularly...
O than you think?
-Ya here I think, Ivan Ivanovich, - to us to employ the driver...

*****

The new Russian at gas station, reads the instruction po
polzovniyu benzokolonkoy:
1. Get pistolet.
dostayet from a holster makarova.
2. Insert the gun in bak.
vstavlyaet.
3. And now nazhmite.
-...

*****

The new Russian calls in teatr:
-Good afternoon, here mobsters told me, what you have a bottomhole playlet est.
me two tickets in nature.
-to you on "Romeo and Juliette"?
-to me on me and my girl.

*****

The new Russian calls the buddy in garazh:
-Bratella, and to me drove the new foreign car yesterday. Wheel ON THE RIGHT! Look!
bratok silently got into the car, silently rose and silently left. Goes, dumayet:
-Yes, abruptly - a wheel ON THE RIGHT, but pedals AT THE LEFT!

*****

New Russian in Spain on vacation uzhratsya and went smotret
korridu. Naturally, bought places on the first row. In the middle of representation ot
vypitogo and heats fell asleep and fell down the arena. Regained consciousness - the bull prt directly on nego.
bystro takes off a jacket, gold and buries in sand. The bull brezglivo
obnyukhivayet him also leaves. After representation of new Russian sprashivayut:
-As you so quickly guessed, what it is necessary to take off a red jacket and vse
ostalnoye?
-So after all a bull clever, it on people does not rush.

*****

The new Russian bought the jeep and parked it near doma.
vecherom there is a drunk and reads behind on the jeep 4kh4
dolgo without thinking, gets a nail and scratches: 4kh4=16
utrom the angry owner goes to service and paints over this place. The next day history repeats itself, so all week. In
kontse of the ends, having grown weak, hozyain
dzhipa goes to service and asks to make a firm inscription 4kh4=16
dovolny goes home, the drunk parks the car near doma.
idet in the evening and sees: 4Х4=16 gets a nail and pishet
"P AVILNO".

*****

The new Russian bought the TV. Brings home, includes... Televizor
ne it is adjusted and shows black and white. New Russian knocks po
nemu a fist and oret:
-Well, in nature, around a zhulya! Yesterday in a Mercedes gasoline was not refueled,
segodnya in the TV of paint did not pour!

*****

The new Russian bought in tour agency monthly exotic rest na
otdelnom the island on the Bahamas. Halfway the plane suffers accident, na
neobitayemom the island he escapes and some passengers. Through nedelyu
ostro there is a question of hunger. Cast lots and eat one of passazhirov.
through week of another. In a week the lot falls on new russkogo.
on gets the cell phone and calls. In some hours priletayet
vertolet also takes away survived. Passazhiry:
- And what you did not call to the aid earlier?! We here each other are began!
-A I thought, it is included in the round price...