Jokes about peoples

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New Russian at psikhiatra:
- At me frustration of a dream. I dream a dream that ya
raspakovyvayu i
nachinayu to consider a new pack of dollars. And always ne
khvatayet odnoy
kupyury! After that I wake up in cold potu.
-Try to count that-nibud
bolee
neytralnoye, rams next time, for example. Through nedelyu:
- The Doctor, does not help. So far I consider to 99 - vse
normalno. And potom
prikhodit the 100-th ram also speaks: "E, everything ravno
kupyury is not enough!"

*****

New Russian early came to work and cannot find sekretarshu.
nakonets finds it at itself in an office in a juicy pose with the zamom.
-Listen, the deputy! I say nothing that is my secretary, moy
kabinet and working hours. But after all it is necessary to be closed! And to hang up the announcement, chto
mol, meeting, not bespokoit.
-All understood, the chief, will not repeat any more!
novy Russian came back home a bit earlier. Wives are not present anywhere. Tolko
spalnya it is closed from within, and on a door the note weighs: "Meeting. Ne
bespokoit".

*****

The new Russian tells zhene:
-Represent, at Astoria restaurant from me for a coffee cup sodrali
25 dollars. But nevertheless justice exists! That do you mean
-?
- When I went home, incidentally found at myself in a pocket 3 serebryanye
lozhechki!

*****

The new Russian at restaurant eats shrimps soup. Suddenly from tarelki
vyskakivayet the live shrimp also creeps on a table. The new Russian otshvyrivayet
tarelku also starts eating the second - roast from grasshoppers. Only vilkoy
pritselilsya - time - the grasshopper jumped out of a plate and creeps on a table... Novyy
russky became angry, demands the cook. The cook comes. New russkiy:
-That, the man, what it for a poppycock?! Shrimps creep. Grasshoppers prygayut.
za that I money pay?!? Tell
-thank you that you at us had not dinner yesterday. Yesterday at us on pervoye
byla spark fish soup, and on the second - roast from a cobra.

*****

The new Russian solved zhenitsya.
budushchaya the mother-in-law is dissatisfied with a choice docheri:
"Yes you are an untalented person, you in the house will not strike with a finger about a finger,
TY even nailing not zabjyosh..." New Russian: "Well, mummy, it you ran!
NU, give the address of it Nailing?..."

*****

The new Russian decided to get a menagerie. Bought crocodiles for now everything is under construction let them into the pool. Through
nekotoroye time looks, crocodiles sluggish, hardly float. Calls the veterinarian. Well that arrived, posmotrel.
"Kerdyk, - speaks, - to crocodiles. A lock at them if urgently not to give medicine - Your animals will die". New
russky the recipe grabbed, in the car jumped, and blew in a drugstore. The mother-in-law not at the right time on a visit of
priperlas leaves for gate, and there. He to it shouts: "You settle down, Nina Ivanovna, feel at home, and on affairs it is necessary to me!" And
uyekhal. Bought medicine and on a speed limit home rushed off, violating all imaginable rules, and well as will not wait
krokodily. Arrived and run to basseynu.
izdaleka sees: the mother-in-law at the pool in a bathing suit costs, well he also shouts ey:
-Well, pokakat?!! Thanks
-, Vladimir, in life so was not trashed!

*****

The new Russian decided to buy in pet-shop of a parrot. The seller advised it to get kakadu:
-lives 300 years, does not eat much! And he is able to tell
-?
-of course, in three days will better speak, than the TV host!
Ha new Russian came the next day into pet-shop. The seller politely took an interest: "Well, started talking?".
-is not present! And you a cage buy
-to it more!
novy Russian and made. Next day it again came into pet-shop, the seller again asked about popugaye:
-well, started talking?
-is not present, is silent! Then you to it buy
-a hand bell in order that he called also a pocket mirror that it in it looked. New Russian of
priobrel all necessary also rushed off home. Next day he joyful flew in zoomagazin:
-started talking, started talking!!!! Well and what he told
-?
-you when the GOAT, you feed me?!

*****

The new Russian decided to have a rest from a civilization. There arrived his manager to Seychelles, to agree about uninhabited
ostrova. Examine the island with local businessmen. Manager (M):
-Why so yellow sand? My owner loves the purely white. To change!
businessmen (B):
-you went crazy! Same it is impossible. It is expensive, damage of ecology...
(M) - How many?
(B) - Well 10 millionov.
(M) - the Market net.
(Counts cash)
(M) - And it that flies much there? - Chayki
(M) - to Clean
(B). Will spoil on the owner. To leave one, let does not patch but only goes on beregu.
(B) - Yes it is impossible! Greenpeace and so on to train a seagull... 100 millionov.
(M) - Without market!
(Counts a zero)
(M) - And let a wave at the coast will be exactly 1 meter, neither it is more, nor it is less!
(B) - Gidrosooruzheniya... Ecology... The devil with you. 50 million more davayte.
(M) - Not question .
(Count)
. . All made in the best possible way. The sand everywhere white, is not present seagulls (except one, she grandly walks on the coast).
korabli patrol the area to repair equipment at "waves" and to shoot not forgiven ptits.
priyezzhayet New Russian. Swam for a while, dived. Sunbathes. Inspects everything around and with a pacification says:
-Well unless for money you will buy such beauty...

*****

The new Russian decided to acquire the rights, comes to examination in driving, gets into the car. The instructor to it speaks:
-Everything, can leave, you did not pass ekzamen.
-As it so, I still even did not start?
-is good, try, but I think is bespolezno.
novy Russian, with a haughty smile looking at the instructor, the Chief beats a palm on a back of
Driverskogo which is before it sideniya:
-, well give, touch already!!

*****

The new Russian decided to come to conservatory. Everything to whom it is necessary, already dany
dengi. It safely passes all ekzamnna. There is a solfeggio. Emu
govoryat:
-It is absolutely simple. We press a piano key, and you ugadyvayte.
on turns away from a piano, listens to the sung note, then tycht a finger v
odnogo from prepodovateley:
-You pressed!

*****

The new Russian on rybalke.
vytaskivayet as it is necessary, gold rybku.
ta, as always, offers three desires for the freedom to ispolneniyu.
zadumalsya new russkiy.
-I Want that all traffic lights at my approach by greens shone - eto
raz.
-I Want that all traffic jams at my approach the corridor for mine proyezda
vysvobozhdali, is, so dva.
-I Want that all cops at my journey saluted me is tri.
rybka:
-As so, always palaces, money and maids, and here prezidentskoye
tebe there was a wish to something!?
novy russkiy:
-is necessary More modestly, the rybonka to be, more modestly.

*****

New Russian on the Mercedes with the conditioner goes from the office with the conditioner to the fancy club with
konditsionerom to take a steam bath in the Russian bath.

*****

The new Russian sits on a banquet. All gobbled up, from a throat climbs, but vse
ravno, chokes, but eats. Nearby the Englishman a fork something picks. Russkiy:
- And what it you do not eat anything?
anglichanin, nadmenno:
- And I eat, when to me hochetsya.
-As cattle, perhaps?

*****

The new Russian sits at restaurant. Runs up to it metrdotel.
-you shot our waiter!
-do not worry, enter it in the account.

*****

New Russian broke ruku.
prikhodit to vrachu.
vrach:
- At you - a change. It is necessary to impose gips.
novy russkiy:
- The Brother, why plaster? Put marble - I pay!

*****

The new Russian asks at kukushki:
- The Cuckoo, a cuckoo, how many I needed to live?
kukushka:
-Much, much, only release a throat.

*****

The new Russian" asks the friend, "old russkogo:
-You as have a rest?
-Yes here, I swim on a kayak on the pool Volgi.
-Nu you abrupt! And at me in "Mercedes" the pool is rather small …

*****

New Russian puts secret police on the favourite Mercedes-600
и asks:
-Boys, what guarantees what will not steal?
-If you abrupt - "lifelong", if "soft-boiled" - tri
minuty and "posthumous".

*****

The new Russian and his old friend the engineer discuss that they presented to wives per day rozhdeniya.
-I bought her a fur coat and BMV.
- Both is on! And on a fig?
-If will not be pleasant to it a fur coat, it can bring it back to BMW! Turn to ask new russkogo:
- And you that bought
nastayet to the?
-Ya bought it bedroom-slippers and rubber chlen.
-Why it?
-Because if will not be pleasant to it bedroom-slippers, let goes on x...!

*****

The new Russian at customs asks the Driverya:
-That there this schnook in a peak-cap speaks? He tells
-"duty"!
-Well and send it on...!

*****

New Russian, having hardly mastered the book "Anna Karenina", understood that na
bogatykh ran in the XIX century.

*****

New Russian, putting the son to bed, reads it the fairy tale about kolobka:
-Once upon a time there was Kolobok, and once to it bothered to live on one place, and it took the wheel of "Mercedes", and left from the grandfather of
S the grandmother...
-Father! And how it left if it has neither hands nor feet? It after all the round! Than it operated?
-That some bank...

*****

The new Russian died and got to a hell. Devils dress it in a red jacket, cover with gold chains, give impressive
pachku of money and otpuskayut.
vokrug - continuous haunts of vice. Russian in full ecstasy. Comes in kazino:
-I Put piece on krasnoye.
-Sorry, money not prinimayem.
podkhodit to baru:
-"Martini" with ice! To
-Sorry, of money not prinimayem.
zakhodit in restoran:
-Mushroom soup, a sterlet under a fur coat, whether a decanter vodki.
-Sorry, money prinimayem.
usskiya to chertyam:
-It is possible to buy something here?
-NET.
-But why?!
-Because is a hell for new Russians!

*****

The new Russian dies and gets on nebo.
bog asks ego:
- And what you made to get to paradise?
-A year ago I gave to the beggar hundred rubles!
BOG sends Saint Peter to check, and that confirms it deyaniye.
-It a little! - God speaks. - And what you made to popat to paradise?
novy Russian for a long time reflects and then vspominayet:
- And two years ago I too gave to the beggar hundred rubles!
BOG sends Saint Peter to check, and that confirms it deyaniye.
-Well, and what with it to do to us? - God asks Petra.
-Let's give it 200 rubles, and let it is cleaned in a hell, - otvechayet
svyatoy Pyotr.

*****

New Russian handed over the Mercedes on HUNDRED with the complaint to strong knocks at turns in the morning. In the evening it was given out
zaklyucheniye:
"Take out from a luggage carrier a sphere for bowling!!!"

*****

New Russian in French kurorte:
-From where you, madam?
-Ya from Grenoblya.
- And where your Greno is?

*****

New Russian in church is asked at svyashchennika:
-by the Father how you think, the Lord all my sins if ya
seychas one million dollars offers to you will forgive me? You I cannot guarantee to
-Ya it for hundred percent, my son, but me
kazhetsya that it as time that case when it is necessary to risk!

*****

The new Russian too impudently behaves in the museum, touches, picks exhibits. Then is enough some pipe and
pytayetsya on it to play. That this end will thrust into a mouth, another. The guide patiently waits when he many its
izmuslyakayet and with obvious pleasure prodolzhayet:
- The Knightly armor was difficult and long to remove and urgently to celebrate small need used, - and specifies
NA this pipe, - this adaptation.

*****

The new Russian emigrant writes the wife to New York:
"Darling, this month I will not be able to send you money. I send 100 kisses instead of. Alex. "
Wife otvechayet:
" Thanks, native, for 100 kisses! Here the report about raskhodakh.
1. The milk seller agreed to 2 kisses for a milk bottle in den.
2. The electrician agreed only after 7-mi.
3. The host comes every day behind the 3 potseluyami.
4. The owner of grocery store does not take only kisses. It was necessary to give something else...
5. An other expenses - 40 kisses. Do not worry, at me still remained 35 until the end of a month. To plan the same for
sleduyushchy?
lyubimaya you Tanya.

*****

The new Russian in jewelry store asks ten gold rings s
brilliantami. All put on them hands and overturning hands palms vverkh
speaks:
-Turn to me rings diamonds up, and that as I with bratvoy
speaks will be?!

*****

Night. Post of GAI. There is a GAI officer and sees that with a speed 150
nesetsya the Gazelle. Well, of course, stops it. From Gazeli
vykhodit the shaven man and silently You give to the GAI officer of $100-kupyuru.
-that, new Russian?
-B nature, nachalnik.
nu, the GAI officer does not trust it - approaches the car and sees, chto
deystvitelno - seats leather, with heating of the back, in rule
dyrki for fingers...
-Yes you that? After all it is necessary to you on Merce or BMW to go. And it chto
-truck. What you in a body will carry?
-It not a body is changer on 100000 compact disks.

*****

NR shares with the friend: - I made repair here. Big grandmas enclosed!
B to a bedroom in all wall made photowall-paper in the form of doors of a case. It is a pity only, what not moyushchiyesya.
- And why in a bedroom for the washing wall-paper? Yes already so many men of the head to themselves porasshibat
-.

*****

NR has dinner at restaurant in NY:
-I want a bloody steak!!! - orders on.
-May be you want some fucking potatoe with it too... -
otvechayet the waiter politely.

*****

NR on the street costs: an abrupt jacket, all in gold rings, on fingers, s
navorochennoy a mobile phone in hands. By pass lyudi.
hr razogvarivat on mobilniku:
-Yes! Yes. Everything is normal, I will solve this problem... I will find
-Ya money. It is my problem and I it reshu.
lyudi is begun oglyadyvatsya.
-I have money, we dogovritsya. I will solve this problem!
dalee HP plaintive golosom:
-Aunt, well please! He switch-off my mobile phone!

*****

- Well, we with Vovan regularly play on machine guns and all the time vyigryvayem.
-Where there are such machine guns? So Vovan delivered houses to
-, there and we play...

*****

Well the man at gas station refuels well. Inserted "gun".....
TUT the jeep with "mobsters" flies up mobsters jump out pull out at it from a tank "gun" from the car and in bak.
-Well you paid yourself, and we zapravimsya
nu the man quietly opens a luggage carrier of the Zhiguli the turn gets "kalashnik" of
dayet......
NU of "mobsters" of
ostayetsya in live the driver Dzhipa generally puts all. Creeps out and speaks.
-Slukhay the brother you that, in nature made? Now after all cops will approach you здесь
похоронят.
- will not bury. I have a license for shooting of "animals"
Da well?
Da on posmotri.
nu shows him the license in which it is written what has the rights to kill "animals",
of "mobsters" well and generally everyone shval.
bratok saw and speaks.
-Gde took?
Da here, in office to everyone vydayut.
v what?. ...
NU the man to it the address dal.
tot gets into the jeep, mobsters of the dead (the man filled up)
ostavlyaet and a bullet in that office. Comes gives "grandmas". To it the license vydayut.
nu generally everything is normal. On pleasures "mobster" goes and thinks. To test nado.
nu comes on one of vegetable the market well. Without telling the word gets "galoshes" of
I give on "ayzer" yes on "monkeys swarthy" to scorch. Three horns were "landed" by .
Bcex put. Here OMON flies. To it let's unscrew hands. Well mobster naturally to them.
Da you cho in nature? I the at me and the license am on shooting of "animals"
Where? In karmane.
nu OMON fighters searched
DA. Read.... And then....
Well generally everything is correct. The license for shooting of "animals" is what
NO of a horse-radish to the reserve brought you?

*****

The announcement by "New Russian radio":
vnimaniyu of drivers of six-hundredth "Mercedes". According to our data,
odin big-eared "Zaporozhets" at the moment moves across the Tverskaya,
odin on the Garden ring, and humpbacked one costs on Kutuzovskom
u of Bulochnaya shop. Dear boys, be attentive!

*****

Announcement: "The new Russian looks for the sponsor".

*****

One New Russian speaks to the second: Hear
- The brother, I to marry decided here...
-Well and cho?
-Well led the bride in a tavern, there proved to be from the best party -
peremazal of girls from cabaret red caviar, forced the saxophonist to drink liter