Jokes about peoples

Read funny Jokes about Russian

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One new Russian speaks drugomu:
-Vovan, you che gave up occupations on a guitar?
TOT otvechayet:
-you Understand, Kolyan, on a guitar of 6 strings, and at me 5 patsev.
-Daaaa, - Kolyan speaks, - what mutants play grand piano!

*****

One new Russian speaks drugomu:
-Let's verify chasy.
-Give. At me - for 9 thousand baksov.
- And at me - for 10 thousand dollars. Yours lag behind.

*****

One new Russian speaks drugomu:
- And I at the son found cocaine in a portfolio. You represent, the boy is 10 years old, and he already from the house drags...

*****

One new Russian - drugomu:
-drove the son on excursion Yesterday. It was not pleasant, told that more tuda
ni a foot!
-That, went to the museum, to an exhibition?
-Well, to the Moscow subway!

*****

One new Russian - drugomu:
-Slysh, bought to the Mercedes of number of the chief of FSB and ego
personalnuyu migalku.
vtoroy new russkiy:
- And I here bought to the Mercedes a striped stick and a peak-cap nachalnika
gai to Moskvy.
pervy new Russian (examining): Cool! Only the head from a peak-cap throw out
- And that stremno somehow.

*****

drugomu:
-Hear one new Russian, Kolyan, here one dude bragged supposedly the mobile phone at it such ancient that the camera of
plenochny in it. So I to myself got such antiquarian mobile phone that there not a film, and in general glass photographic plates,
vybor of melodies - replaceable wax rollers and when you wind the handle of a dynamo and will ask the young lady, from acoustical
rozhka through a crash is heard: "-I Connect!"

*****

One new Russian drugomu:
-I to itself six-hundredth "Mercedes" vzyal.
- And well pokazhi
zakhodyat in garazh.
- The First, second.... 600!

*****

One new Russian is praised before drugim:
-I new model of "Zaporozhets" bought here - "Tavriya Nova" nazyvayetsya.
-Yes you che!!!
-U it the engine from "Ferarri", a transmission from "Volvo", the case from Merce, and t. of
-A that at it from the Lock remained?
-Yes does not go a fig, a s%ka.

*****

One new Russian after a bath asks drugogo:
-Hear, you do not know why we, new Russians,
posle have baths an ugly face red???
-Is all jackets damed, fade!

*****

One new Russian talks with drugim:
-You che, the truth perhaps took nursing home under a roof?
-NU:
-A for what reason?
-A told me, there grandmas nemeryano...

*****

One new Russian decided to drive on old kind memory v
trolleybuse. But at it left nothing: "Mercedes" did not get into the trolleybus...

*****

One new Russian asks at drugogo:
-Vovan, you have a guitar why you on it do not play?
-Yes you understand, at a guitar six strings, and my fingers only pyat.
-I Imagine, what mutants are played the piano...

*****

One new Russian asks drugogo:
-What car at you?
-OOOO!
-A, clearly, "Audi"!

*****

One present Russian oligarch sprosili:
-whom you in the childhood dreamed to resemble?
-On Lenina.
-That when grow up to continue its business?
-Is not present that when I will grow up to live in London, Paris, Geneva.

*****

One guy liked the girl. He approached it and made an avowal of sentiments. That in reply you have 3
mersedesa? No. and two floor country house? No. then conversation is ended. He comes to the father and asks for suggestions. The father of
speaks well I can tell... You will sell to Bentley you will buy 3 Mercedes but to take down three floors because of the woman...... The sonny of
eto it is not serious.

*****

Near the White House on Krasnopresnenskaya Embankment (Dom
pravitelstva) Merce with obvious zhelaniyem
priparkovatsya stops. Approaches Merce militsioner:
-it is impossible to park is a Government house,
zdes deputies krugom.
khozyain Mersa:
-of Anything Here, I have a good alarm system...

*****

About an abrupt mansion on Rublevskoye Highway occurs strelka
novykh Russians... Suddenly nearby the six, ottuda
vylezayet the man and speaks:
-Men stops, excuse, I can pass to such street here?
Bce become silent... reflect... After a while odin
podnimayet and says:
-I do not know the head as the others, but personally I do not object...

*****

The oligarch complains to the specialist on fen-shuyu.
-It seems everything correctly at me: the house in the West, the gold mine in the east, I have a rest always in the south, and the happiness is not present!
-It everything because in the north on you prison cries long ago.

*****

The oligarch pours out dushu:
-Know, I simply adore giving and receiving gifts! And most of all ya
lyublyu people! It is a pity that they cannot be given since 1861.

*****

The oligarch having everything sunbathes on a beach. Suddenly sees a goldfish in water. Her Tsap and speaks:
- And well, think up to me three desires!

*****

The oligarch with the son come to a zoo, approached a cage with obezyanami.
oligarkh speaks:
-Here you see, the sonny, is the dominating male, and it (shows na
dvornika) - worthless. I hope, you understood a hint, in what a difference?
-Yes, the father, the first behind a lattice, the second - at liberty...

*****

The GAI officer of NR stops. That stopped and does not leave iz
mashiny, the GAI officer costs waits so far NR will approach it. Passed 5
minut. NR opens a window, puts out the head and speaks:
-Well I did not understand to whom here money is necessary?

*****

The man's GAI officer on "Zaporozhets" stops - a belt will not fasten i
t.p. Here by "Mercedes" rushes and prt on red, pressing how much zrya
peshekhodov. Muzhik:
- And it that do not fine?
-So it new russkiy.
- And what such new Russian - a nationality?
-NEE.
-Social status?
-NEE.
-A that?
gaishnik, having scratched in golove:
-You that, the man, the color-blind person? Red you cannot distinguish from the green?

*****

The GAI officer of new Russian on an abrupt wheelbarrow stops. Well, kak
voditsya, wants to get to something, but leaves nothing: novyy
trezvy, with car a full order, even the first-aid kit and the fire extinguisher is. I
togda the GAI officer speaks:
-Hear, the man, you do not want to drink?
-Yes you that, companion inspector?!?!? I at a wheel!!!
-A can after all will drink?
-Neeey!!!
-Well as you want, choose itself: for management in drunk sostoyanii
shtraf 1,5 million, and for non-obedience to the employee of GAI - 2 million.

*****

GAI officers stop the new Russian. "The weapon,
narkotiki is?". No. Search the car and in a luggage carrier nakhodyat
akm. "And, it is it is the calculator". - "?" - "For okonchatelnykh
raschetov."

*****

New Russian on "Mercedes" at the intersection, here it with the back "Zaporozhets" crack stops!!!
"New Russian", getting out from the car thinks: "Well the man got!!!", approaches looks the veteran of
voyny sits in "Zaporozhets", szhalilsya it and speaks:-"Well that - You the father so not accurately drive, you were lucky that you are a veteran, I forgive to
tebya" .
saditsya "new Russian back goes to "Mercedes" further, here again the intersection, he did not manage to brake its
opyat "Zaporozhets" crack!!!
" New Russian" leans out of a window, and the man from "Zaporozhets" shouts to it: - "!!!"

*****

The new Russian outdoors had a rest somehow and so got drunk that having regained consciousness did not find on himself a gold chain. Well,
dumayet, rural took away. Calls friends. Put all village in a rank. New Russian approaches everyone, shirt
rvet on a breast-goldu looks for the. Jerked on one muzhikevisit.
-Tak, from where took?
pomyalsya is a little man and speaks:
-Shel I we weed yesterday, lo and behold the drunk rolls. Well I it in a zh%pa in %% a ball. Called the brother. Brother matchmaker. Generally all
derevney around from %%%% Ali, and Golda I for memory of it vzyal.
pochesal a nape new Russian and говорит:
- Yes, good Golda, but not mine.

*****

Opening a forefinger a bottle of Bordeaux of a crop of 1817, the oligarch Sidorov could not even imagine,
kak for a long time will get stuck in the past...

*****

Very solid office. In a chair not less solid sits businessmen.
vkhodit sekretarsha.
-Ivan Ivanovich, I apologize, you did not forget, what under nashim
patronatom there is a Medical university?
-Not - and, did not forget, and cho?
-called from dissecting room Today. Asked pomoch.
-Yes a skok it is possible, and?
-Yes they ask tools and the equipment. They have already enough corpses.

*****

Holiday on a New Year tree. Children by chorus cheerfully kpichit:
- The Fir-tree, be lit!
elochka is not lit. Ded Moroz with the Snow Maiden call children even more amicably and more loudly to appeal to needles
samovozgopaniyu. Children call, but it is vain. Seeing such matter, the boy in a white shirt and a tie in the first
pyadu, having got the cell phone, soobshchayet:
-Mothers, I am late - here the fir-tree is not lit.

*****

I come new rusky to the office trading in computers, and govopit:
-y you here yesterday the computer bought, so?
ppodavets:
-TAK.
-I there on it in front of a letter burn with "LO", so?
-Hy, tak.
- And if to press a button, other letters light up - "HI", so? Yes, everything is correct
-Hy, and in what business?
-A here who here y us "LOHI", we now will also understand...

*****

New Russian comes to antiquarian shop somehow, well che-nibud to buy,
peped to be allocated with friends. Approaches sellers - a pier and so, behind the price not postoyu.
te a subject fast realized, got from the storeroom some drum and govopyat:
-Here, hold. This drum Stradivari delal.
-Yes well!
-Very precisely. We have a solid firm and clients not dypit.
hy HP, of course, bought, it to itself(himself) brought home, on a foreground postavil.
pozval somehow guests. Hy and during a buffet reception govopit:
- And here my pride - a drum which Stradivari sdelal.
bpatva all as will begin to neigh over HR:
-Hy you and made a blunder. Stradivari did violins!
HP was going at once and to that shop. In half an hour comes back and with dovolnym
vidom zayavlyaet:
-Eh you, a pancake. History at all not znayete.
stpadivapi did violins for suckers, and for NORMAL BOYS it did DRUMS!

*****

- Father, father! And than purely building differs from reorganization?
-It is pure, as an arrow and firefight!

*****

- Father, who such "new Russian"?
-Is such person who manages to earn more, than his family manages to spend.

*****

Mercedes and "Zaporozhets" park nearby. Both drivers leave cars and the owner of "Mercedes", slantwise glancing at
"Zaporozhets", speaks:
- There go any "residents of Michurinsk" fucking by the wheelbarrows cheap here! Any minute the abrupt car will be scratched! The driver of
of "Zaporozhets" according to nods and, having also parted with bent fingers, otvechayet:
- And do not speak, the brother! Became impudent absolutely! You represent, to me yesterday the cyclist in a bochina drove!!!

*****

Easter, meet two new russkikh:
-Christ revived!
-of Ml, a market is not present, what we will do?! Again we will splash or so far on babki
postavim?

*****

Patriots the American and the Russian die and define them in ad.
amerikanets:
-I. as the true patriot, I will go to the American hell!
russkiy:
-Ya as the patriot I will go to Russian!
arkhangel to them and speaks:
-is not present the Difference. Everywhere it is necessary on a shit bag sjedat.
ad there is a hell in the morning. Scattered. The same meet in century Russian and amerikanin. Razgovorilis:
-Well as?, - asks russkiy.
-Everything on American!, - answers amerikan, - Whisky, women, cigars... only on morning of a shittery hapanyosh and it is normal.
UZhE got used. And at you as?
-All in Russian!, - it is proud ours answers, - all too, bags will come to an end, shit did not bring!

*****

The traffic light is faced by a Mercedes. Wildly squealing brakes the Zaporozhets in full operation crashes into it.
Driver gets out of a Mercedes and grinning, approaches the Zaporozhets. Sees the ordinary-looking little man sits and looks at him as a rabbit on udava.
-Listen the man, you be not afraid. I understand - the car old, brakes do not work. You only one tell me - when me
net here how you on red light stop?!

*****

One new Russian through Estonian border moved, sees: the road equal, not that at us. Well also drove from all
duri. Suddenly from far away sees: the patrol on the road costs. And it 150 goes. Dumayet:
- And, I will pass without reducing, Estonians... not dogonyat.
i flew. And there only one police officer. "Ours" began to neigh and stole. Here leaves bushes of the second, and the first
speaks:
-of Uuunno, the narrushittel just proyekhkhkhat, shoot on kolesaam.
dva vvystret....
-of Uuunnno, but not on our she....