Jokes about peoples

Read funny Jokes about Russian

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The intersection, red light, the 600th Mercedes, and in it vrezayetsya
zaporozhets. As always begins razborka.
novy Russian (HP):
- Well? To beat you, perhaps?
Driver (VZ):
Zaporozhets - For what? I after all not purposely!
HP: - Well tyk money from you all one not vzyat.
vz: - It is not necessary! Please. I will teach, as the car besplatno
otremontirovat!
HP: - It as?
VZ: - You what wons the man healthy, will consult. It is necessary tolko
v to blow an exhaust pipe more feasibly, the car all i
raspryamitsya.
nu, NR starts blowing in an exhaust pipe, VZ - for a wheel and smotalsya.
nr blows, blows, in any way it is impossible. Red already there was from natugi.
tut one more 600th podkatyvayet.
-You che, the brother?
-Yes here, was prompted as for free to otremntirovat the car. I uzh
blow in a pipe here, I blow - a horse-radish not poluchayetsya.
-it will not turn out, the brother!
-A why? Yes you the hatch in a roof forgot to close
-!

*****

Picnic at New Russians: one is told drugomu:
-by Vovan, go part koster.
tot approaches a fire, squats and speaks:
-Well che, the fire, you got!

*****

St. Petersburg, the white nights, the end of June, graduation parties, all on traditsii
gulyayut. Release in kindergarten, in group is the child new russkogo.
podkhodyat kids through Palace Square to Palace Bridge, and most
razvodyat. The child of new Russian gets cellular telefon:
-to Alla, the father, we here, it, with boys walk, and to us here bridges part,
TY it, understand: Where went? - Removes phone. - Friends, we walk here,
tradition such.

*****

The tribe of cannibals catches the Frenchman, the Russian and anglichanina.
zadaniye: in 5 minutes to write the will, to bang the girl and to tie laces on boots. And differently we will eat...
anglichanin quickly ties laces, starts writing the will, time expires, it eat. The Frenchman quickly has
tuzemku, starts tying laces, time comes to an end...
russky speaks: "I, actually, rationalizer. I have to you predlozheniye.
aborigeny: "No, no. Any offers, do that is told, and differently we will eat" .
russky puts the girl a cancer, she to it ties laces, and it at the same time has her and writes at her on
zaveshchaniye back. Kept within 4 minutes! It is released with honors, finally asked: "And what you wanted to offer? "If you to me a saw would tie
-to a bum, I also cut a palm tree.

*****

On streets the grand Cherokee rushes, the Mercedes-600 pursues him...
ODIN the traffic light flew by, another. The grand Cherokee dives v
pereulki, the Mercedes does not lag behind... At last, the grandee flies in glukhoy
dvor and the Mercedes from all move hits him into the back. From two new Russians broken mashin
vylezayut. That on a Mercedes, gets cellular, number and tells
nabirayet: "Brothers, Serega - a salochka..."

*****

Down the street quietly the 600th goes. Suddenly it it is unexpected dogonyaet
land Cruiser and from everything to a move hurts to the 600th a bum. Reaktsiya
momentalnaya: 5 shaven-headed jockstraps, distorting locks, vyskakivayut
iz Merce. From Land Cruiser-а there are 5 OMON fighters in bronezhiletakh
i with AKM.
OMON: Well, that stali.
nr, hiding trunks: Broke.

*****

On the highway "Toyota" at reckless speed rushes and crashes directly sideways "six-hundredth".
the "cool" jockstrap, matter of course, gets out of it, approaches the left door of "Toyota", pulls out for shkirka of the person and starts beating. Beats,
I suddenly beats sees that from the druguy party of the car there is a new Russian and laughs loudly. "Well che you laugh, the brother?" - "Yes at
menya a right-hand drive car! And the one whom you beat, - the passenger, asked to take to a corner..."

*****

On the highway all cars go 120 km. in an hour,
A the healthy jeep with mirror glasses of-66 km. in chas
-stops it ment
- And asks - "And WHERE IT we are STOLEN?"

*****

Coast of the Pacific Ocean, the finest beach, heat gradusov
40-50. Who at the ocean, who ashore - to the people the sea. Suddenly letit
samolet, the parachutist jumps out of it. Lands on pesok
-all huge eyes look at it: in a crimson pinzhak, v
galstuke, in ski glasses and on skis. In total nachinayut
ob'yasnyat that it got not there on what that otvechayet:
-is quiet, friends! The following plane snow is lucky!

*****

The announcement gives new Russian to the newspaper: "Purchase pyatikomnatnuyu
kvartiru. In the area I guarantee purity and an order".

*****

Time the athlete approaches new Russian and speaks:
-Here you, for example, for how many will run 100 meters?
TOT thought, thought and speaks:
-Dollars for five hundred, it is not less!

*****

Two well become slightly tight "new Russians", well got acquainted on a banquet and started bragging before each other of the
uspekhami. Reached and sexual feats. So showing one a hand, speaks:
-, you see the blonde with a huge bust is my wife, and, you see the brunette with feet from teeth is my
lyubovnitsa! The new Russian watched-watched
vtoroy at all this the intoxicated, slabosoobrazhayushchy eyes and uttered in otvet:
-Strange, and I have for some reason all on the contrary?!

*****

New Russian caught a goldfish. Thinks, kak
voditsya, three zhelaniya:
- it is natural, "Mercedes-600", the house in arbatskikh
pereulkakh...
A the third desire - liquidate to me, a small fish,
dolgoprudnenskuyu group!
-I cannot, the piece of chalk is my roof!

*****

The addict caught a goldfish........ costs, looks... a muzzle to itself turned...... New
russkiy
-a pancake approaches it... you caught a goldfish!
-well and what?
-so make a wish!
narkoman, overturning a small fish to itself a tail, and pulling for nego:
-fly, fly a petal through the West on the East.......

*****

The oligarch in the sea caught as that a goldfish and speaks:
-Hilinkaya you some. There is nothing to eat, I will release you...
A it emu:
- And three desires? Of
oligarkh:
-Well, think!

*****

New Russian caught a goldfish and speaks ey:
-Well, without market - if will execute two most abrupt my desires, that,
gadom I will be, but I will release you, and row where you want!
-is fine, do not drive and give, think, - agreed rybka.
- The first Means. I want that all were afraid of me! It is difficult for
-, but it is possible, - the small fish agreed and made it most silnym.
-Normally, - N.R., - told Now the second. I want anybody ne
boyatsya!
-Well, it for you is absolutely simple, - the small fish told and made it samym
glupym.

*****

Caught new Russian gold rybku.
-Release me, I will execute three of your desires, - tells rybka.
- The First desire: I want that our national team became the world champion po
futbolu. Second desire: I want that great Pel? told that nasha
sbornaya - the greatest kom@nda of all times and the people. And the third zhelaniye:
khochu that all country likovala.
ba-ba - and everything darkened. He regained consciousness, looks - he black, around Blacks dance and shout: "Brazil!
braziliya!!!"

*****

New Russian caught a goldfish, and asks ee:
-That to you it is necessary, a goldfish?

*****

New Russian caught a goldfish, and that to it speaks:
-Release, three desires ispolnyu.
napryagsya NR, then speaks:
- The First. Here all speak to me: "I will show where crayfish winter..." I would like to learn and where they
zimuyut is valid? The second...
-If I will execute the first, following two will not be necessary for you any more.

*****

Indians of the German, the Pole, Russian caught and tell them here vam
ognennaya water a nakhalyava (they exchanged it for the last shkury
v the next fort). Drink how many want shoot in togo
orla at mountain top who will get that we will award sokrovishchami
maya, and otherwise kay-kay.
vykhodit forward the German drinks a shot glass shoots promakhivayetsya
(take away) .
vykhodit the Pole drinks a shot glass misses (take away) .
vykhodit the Russian drinks a shot glass, with a sigh falls by a grass i
nachinayet to drink here comes to an end week, and together with it and zapasy
ognennoy waters Russian shivering hands takes in hand the gun s
razvorota shoots at top from an eagle fly feathers. Udivlennye
indeytsy sprashivayut:
-As you, about the white leader it sdelal.
a it to them in otvet:
- And that special from three trunks yes on pack of crows.

*****

Aliens of Russian, the German, and the Chinese caught. And govoryat:
-Who will call such number which we do not know - we will release, we will start up
A of the others on farsh.
kitayets: - 10000000000! We Know
inoplanetyane:
-, on farsh.
nemets:
-9999999999999999999999999! It we know
-I, on farsh.
russkiy:
-Да$уя!
-Oh, as?! We do not know. It is free, only tell how many it? You ask
russkiy:
-A the switchman... Aliens k
strelochniku came and ask how many it is да$уя? Strelochnik:
-See rails, see across their piece of wood? See oni
shtuchkami such are beaten? So go and consider them, and kogda
budet: "And well them на%$#й!" So it only half.

*****

Cannibals of the German, the Frenchman, Russian and amerikantsav
dzhunglyakh caught. Speak to captives: before to gobble up you, we ispolnim
vashi the last desires. The German wanted beer. Cannibals rummaged around vse
dzhungli - brought it a mug of the Bavarian beer. Then sjeli.
frantsuz wanted it... woman. Well, too it was executed. And potom
tozhe it was eaten. The turn russkogo.
-your last desire came? Give
-to me a kick under zad.
-More nichego.
-Only a kick under the back...
vozhd gave to Vanka of a kick under the back. Vanka from under floors dostayet
"Kalashnikov" and all tribe mows...
amerikanets asks at russkogo:
-Why you did not stand up when killed the German and the Frenchman?
Ha that Russian otvetil:
- The Russian people - peace people. We are not touched - and we do not touch...

*****

Cannibals of the German, the Frenchman, and Russian caught and speak plennikam:
vot to you for three three horses if do not teach them to speak -
sjedim. There is nothing to do, the German of food of everyone takes and leaves v
dzhungli. In a month comes back - itself lean, a horse hardly mezhdu
palmami prolazit.
- The Horse, well tell something to Iggo-go!!!!!!!
C the Frenchman the same history - that is too sjeli.
russky gathered bananas, pineapples and other tropical food,
ukhodit to the jungle, in a month comes back - a physiognomy shire
plech, a horse hardly standing stoit.
dikari in uzhase.
-You received products on a horse?
-Received...
-A of that did not feed?
-As so did not feed? Only also did that that ate...
LOSHAD:
-In whistles, in whistles....

*****

Three new Russians caught a goldfish. A small fish vzmolilas:
-Release - ispolnyu.
-Yes we have three desires everything - wave away NR.
-Well though something, think...
HP were scratched zatylok
-Well here by me the site on Madagascar bought, and there ants huge... A little ant I will conjure
-Ya to you - it will gobble up all of them, and then itself sdokhnet.
-Well so I in Spain bought the house, and there cockroaches here takennye.
-I will conjure a little cockroach to you - it will gobble up all of them, and then itself sdokhnet.
-Hear, a small fish, and whether you do not have ma - and - and - alenkogo the tax inspector?

*****

The new Russian buys fruit on rynke.
-It that from you?
-Yabloki.
-Two kilograms and everyone zavernut.
- And it that?
-Sliva.
-Two kilograms and everyone zavernut.
- And it that?
-Vishnya.
-Two kilograms and everyone zavernut.
- And it that?
-Buckwheat... Is not ON SALE!

*****

Midnight. In a sauna with little girls, the businessmen who were tired in a day have a good time. One of them is called by Wife:
-darling, where are you?
Represent, on Leningradka in a stopper got stuck! Well give a signal to
-A.....

*****

New Russian got to the Hermitage somehow. Walked round halls, looked,
ukhodit and speaks:
- At Da- And, it is poor at you here... But it is pure!

*****

Got on the desert island the Russian, the German and the Pole, the whole month without grub prosideli.
nemets suggested to eat his hand, lived a week more. Then ate the Pole's foot, it was enough for two weeks.
ochered of Russian came, it got the member, those two obradovalis:
-Oh a Russian sausage!
A Russian im:
-х#я, on yogurt and to sleep!

*****

The Russian, the German and the Pole on the desert island got. Well chto
delat? Decided to catch fish, perhaps that will catch. Poymali
zolotuyu small fish. It to them and speaks:
-you Release me boys, I at one your desire ispolnyu.
nemets:
- The Glass of schnapps and domoy.
polyak:
- The Glass of schnapps and domoy.
a russkiy:
- The Box of vodka and all company back.

*****

After service in the temple you approach the father new russkiy:
-Well, the brother, in nature cool mold!
batyushka in otvet:
-Yes you as talk to the attendant?!
-A that? I wanted to offer ten thousand dollars here...
batyushka:
-Yes you, the brother, in nature, the trump buddy!

*****

The American, the Frenchman and the Russian argued, whose wife has a bum bolshe.
amerikanets:
- When I buy tickets at cinema, I always take for the wife two mesta.
frantsuz:
- And when I hand over clothes of my wife in washing, to me speak: - We do not accept a parachute!
russkiy:
-A I clap the wife on a bum in the morning, and I come in the evening - and it still shivers. But it not because at the Soviet
zhenshchin flabby bums, but because in the Soviet Union the shortest working day!!

*****

Constructed HP to himself the house and lodged near this house Bomzh.
kazhdoye morning of HP leaving from the house gave B of 100 rub of
through some time of HP became davt B of 80 rub, then and in kontse
perestal in general to give 60,40,20 rub dengi.
b seeing such business one morning stops HP and asks - that happened? You pereastat
pochemu to give money? - You understand
HP at first I was single and gave you 100 rub, then married dene
gstalo less and I began to give 80, then three children one by one and I daval
tebe
20 rub, then, understand, the mistress appeared and money at all not stalo.
bomzh looked in eyes to New Russian and skzat - Ah you the swine, it means za
moy the account you support the wife three children and the mistress.

*****

Japanese in the middle of Moscow constructed an attraction. From above podpisali
"Especially for Russians". Entrance of 50 rubles. The man one comes, and ego
vezhlivy the recorder voice in a chair invites to sit down. He sat down, ego
avtomaticheski fastened then the chair the screw rose to a ceiling. V
potolke the hatch opens, and the man there exactly the head passes. Suddenly ему
кто a foot in a kersey boot on this head as will give!!! The chair srazu
vniz, and the man unfastened. He in rage runs on the second floor. Looks in polu
lyuk opened, and from there the head. It on it as... Also went to an exit happy.

*****

The cruise liner crashed. Escaped the person thirty and landed on the desert island. Through some
dney hunger began. Decided to pull matches whom to eat the first. Ate the first. In some days - the second. And
t.d. The turn to new russkogo.
-Well all reached. Take off the crimson jacket, we will be you est.
-Boys yes you sho! I shas will take brothers on the mobile, they by helicopter will bring food, binge if it is necessary,
domoy razvezut.
-So that you were silent? So much people were eaten!
-Ya thought it everything is included into the program of cruise!

*****

Why Russians are invincible.
PRI analysis of World War II American military istoriki
obnaruzhili very interesting fact. Namely, at sudden stolknovenii
s by forces of Japanese Americans as the rule, much quicker prinimali
resheniya and as a consequence, the scientists surpassing sily
protivnika.
issledovav this regularity won even came to a conclusion that srednyaya
dlina words at Americans makes 5,2 symbols, then as at yapontsev
10,8, therefore on return of orders 56% less time leaves that in short fight plays important
rol.
radi of "interest" they analysed the Russian speech and it appeared, chto
dlina words in Russian are made by 7,2 symbols on the word (v
srednem), however at critical situations Russian-speaking komandnyy
sostav passes to substandard lexicon, and length of the word is reduced to (!) 3,2 symbols in the word. It is connected with
tem that some phrases and even phrases the deputy nyatsya In a word. For an example the phrase is provided: "the 32nd
prikazyvayu immediately to destroy the enemy tank firing on our positions". - "the 32nd e@na on it h@yu"

*****

The wife of new Russian went to learn to play golf. Week to study, two, three, but any shifts in training even are planned by
NE. Then her trainer speaks ey:
-you of course excuse me, but try to take a club as if you hold the member muzha.
bum, the ball departed daleko-daleko.
- And now once again, only take out a club from a mouth.

*****

New Year's Eve evening. House of new Russian. The room of the size of a small hangar sheathed by amber panels. On
persidskom the handwork carpet covering its floor, a fat Iranian cat it is lazy plays natural
razmerom diamond about apple. In a corner, the servant in a livery feeds from a platinum bowl of a huge wolfhound, carefully taking out
IZ of a hazel grouse of a stone and rasszhevyvy for a dog especially rigid slices. In the center of the hall there is a chair remade from Louis XIV's
trona. In it the host who is put on in ermine a crimson jacket sits. Stand near a chair:
bryunetka which holds the Havana cigar and the lit lighter, the brown-haired woman who holds a small keg with
domashnim beer, the blonde who simply undressed, bald which holds a small volume of verses of Shura Karetny and stories
fimy
zhigantsa.
ryadom a little table from an elephant bone on which the huge dish made of a skull of a tyrannosaur and
zapolnennoye by oysters, paste from a goose liver, black caviar, skiyak, slices the fugue, the marinated spark
plavnikami fried by wings of an ostrich and eggs of snails is located. On a separate subnose there is a silver flat dish with
balandoy and the soldering rye hleba.
zvuchit a melody of "Taganka" lies. New Russian climbs in an ermine jacket and gets a mobile phone,
sdelan which case from an alloy of zirconium, tantalum, palladium, bismuth and meteoric iron from there. Includes it and hears.

*****

- You represent, yesterday changed a nationality. Surgical putem.
-Really by the Jew it was closed up?
-Is not present. New Russian. Asked fingers to crook to itself...

*****

Brought new Russian to himself in a mansion of other new Russian and чтобы
как to entertain him, decided to show picture galereyu.
-Hear, the brother, and who the author of this picture? Picasso or Padzhero's
-, not pomnyu.
- And that you buy and the author you do not remember?
-Yes was so rolled up, bought in one day this picture and the jeep.