Anecdotes about the army

Read funny Anecdotes about the army

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The commander of the tank constructed recruits and asks:
-That the main thing in the tank?
-Armor!
-is wrong!
-Tool!
-Is not present!
-Crew?
-Too net.
-Well, then commander? Remember
-greenhorns, - not to perdet the main thing in the tank!

*****

The commander of tank division listened to the report on disgraceful behavior of the sergeant Darnel in uvolnenii.
- The Lieutenant Porter, - he asked, - You are sure, what the sergeant was drunk when you met him on the street?
-Yes, sir. He bore a hatch cover over the head and shouted while it in the tank, it is invincible.

*****

The commander of part, the colonel, speaks to the lieutenant - podchinennomu:
-If everything goes according to the plan, drill a hole for ordena.
- And if everything goes not according to the plan? Well, for this case a hole you already have
-...

*****

The commander of part comes home, and to him the wife from a threshold speaks:
-Well, disband your part?
-Yes you that! Anything similar! From where you took it?!
- The Woman Manya on a market saida.
-all this Lies! The part both stood, and will stand. I am a commander, I know better!
Ha comes the next day domoy:
-Lyusya, descend on a market, learn from the woman Manya where I am translated...

*****

The commission in a military registration and enlistment office, at okulista:
pepvy the recruit (P1). The doctor (In): See the top line?
P1: - I see!
B: - And below?
P1: - I see!
B: - Even lower?
P1: - no!
B: - In snipers! Following!
B: - See the top line?
P2: - I see!
B: - And below?
P2: - I do not see!
B: - In Morflot! Following!
B: - see the top line?
P3: - no, the doctor, I do not see!
B: - Cunning, you will go on reconnaissance!

*****

Kosovo. Serene summer day. The Russian peacekeeper rolls on the green hill near Pristina - has a rest from peacemaking. Toils skukoy.
tut just by passes a platoon of the American marines. Our guy, without hesitation shouts im:
-Hey, the Yankee! Well, what - Serbians were povyshibat crowd, and from here poorly to remove me, and?
NU, the NATO sergeant, having gone nuts from such impudence, sends the most fancy Niger to deal with the remaining communist. That gets on the hill, "analysis", in a minute begins, having seized each other "opponents" slide for the hill. Some time characteristic sounds are audible from there, then everything abates and on the hill, shaking off dust, indifferently, our Ryazan fellow gets out, cheerfully showing to the shocked Americans a bolt up to an elbow. Here the sergeant does not maintain and sends all platoon on razborki.
snova fight, again all dump for the hill, then becomes tikho.
serzhant becomes covered then. To top, the hill all creeps out in blood the American and having collected the last forces hripit:
- The Sir, call the backup is an ambush! Them there two!!

*****

- Criticism, - Chapay told, is when you, Petka, the ordinary fighter, can tell me in eyes everything, what ugodno.
- And anything to me for it will not be?
-of Anything, Petka! Neither horse new, nor checkers, harnesses...

*****

Who did military service, that in circus does not laugh. Workers of military registration and enlistment offices began to go to circus and to look who laughs. In such simple way armed forces were joined by 5000 recruits.

*****

Who was in army, that in circus does not laugh. Workers of military registration and enlistment offices began to go to circus and to look who laughs. In such not cunning way, armed forces were joined by 5000 recruits.

*****

- Who the drunk came yesterday from dismissal? - the ensign before built rotoy.
vse shouts are silent, take away glaza.
-Who! I ask you?!
ODIN of soldiers does a step vpered:
-I, companion ensign...
-you Will go with me pokhmelyatsya! Ostal

*****

- Who on duty on kitchen?
-Ya! Why a laurel leaf in soup do not put
-?
-So after all is not guzzled, companion general.

*****

- Who could think that ability to reel up footcloths, imparted in army, very much is useful on the citizen when I swaddle the son...

*****

- Who will go to potato, forward 2 steps ma - and - rsh!
vykhodyat two soldata.
- And the others will go on foot!

*****

The ensign bought an electronic clock, the boy and asks:
- The Uncle, what is the time approaches him?
-Twelve divide into forty eight, - the Uncle speaks praporshchik.
-, how many it will be?
-of Idi, the boy, I divide half a day.

*****

- You smoke?
-NET.
-tried Drugs?
-NET.
-Even lungs?
-NET.
-I did not smoke a grass? For mood?
-NET.
-Well, vodka you drink? You do not drink
-NET.
- At all?
-NET
-Even beer?
-Any

*****

The cadet of a military college for the 5th time cannot pass examination to the teacher and on the next repeating an examination speaks:
-Tovarishch the major, I will tell honestly: I do not know a nifig. Give so: I will ask you a question - if you answer it correctly, put to me "2", I take away documents from school and I do not disturb you more. And if answer incorrectly, put to me "5".
- Well, all right, ask the question...
Companion major, how many you can eat pies next the heart?
-?? What for a stupid question?!? I will eat 5 pies. .
-Nepravilno, companion major! Correct answer: one pie, other pies will be not on empty zheludok.
mayor jumps up from laughter any more, puts to the cadet "5" and the colonel runs to polkovniku:
-Tovarishch, here you how many pies next the heart will eat?
Well, I will eat 7-8 pies... And in what business?
Pancake!... If 5 pies, I would tell such cool gorbukha to you!....

*****

The cadet of a military college passes examination pedagogu-praporshchiku:
-Of what the machine gun lock consists?
-From metal, the companion praporshchik.
praporshchik zaglyadyt in uchebnik:
-Um. with, correctly. So, and of what the machine gun trunk consists?
-From metal, the companion praporshchik.
praporshchik zaglyadyt in uchebnik:
-Is not present, not correctly. It is necessary peresdavat
- And how it is correct, companion ensign?
praporshchik quotes uchebnik:
-From the same matheral.

*****

The cadet of the 5th course of navigator faculty on praktike.
stoit on watch at a steering wheel. The Watchman comes into the cabin, how many on a point kapitan:
-?
-(puzzled) One I here...
-Simpleton!!! What course, I ask?
-(in a full neponyatka) the Fifth navigator...

*****

The cadet in dismissal removed the maiden, brought home, asked to undress, that undressed. Kursant:
-Get up in that ugol.
-So, and now in drugoy.
-it is good, and now obratno.
potom, zadumchivo:
-Here and we: for days on end we go up and down and we wait while vyenut!

*****

The cadet at examination as a dog - eyes clever, and can tell nothing.

*****

Two crocodiles on the bank of Amazon lie. One speaks drugomu:
-Whatever you may say, companion captain, and our Dnieper is wider.

*****

The demobilization (D) on a bed lies, the general (), well as usual "Quietly here enters!...", all patch, the demobilization lies...
podkhodit the general to bed I:
G: why you lie?! who such?!!!
D: I am a demobilization, I you who?
G: and I am a general!!!
D: too it is quite good

*****

The drunk guy on the platform lies and dies of laughing. Surrounding it v
techeniye ten minutes did not sustain and called "Ambulance". Connecting ego
sanitaram it objyasnyaet:
-Children, fifty people in army saw off me. They left, and ya
ostalsya.

*****

The lieutenant-graduate arrived on distribution to part, Companion colonel is represented komandiru:
-! The lieutenant Kurochkin arrived for dalneyshego
prokhozhdeniya services! We Will be familiar to
-, the lieutenant. Colonel Kuroyedov.

*****

The lieutenant-nothing does not know, delayet
starshy the lieutenant - everything knows all, delayet
kapitan-everything knows everything, it delayet
mayor-is aware del
podpolkovnik-signs of nothing, but chitayet
polkovnik-signs nechitaya
general-signs where will show

*****

- Lieutenant Petrov!
-Is so exact! Want to receive
- The senior lieutenant? I Want
-, companion major! Take
-documents and receive the senior lieutenant Ivanov from a sobering-up station!

*****

The lieutenant after a booze overslept in the morning. At it zvonittelefon. Pleasant female voice: Companion lieutenant, you want sex by phone?
-Of course, I want!
- Then I connect you to the commander of part.

*****

The lieutenant abuses kursanta:
-That you, companion cadet, such rough square drew?
VY that, color-blind person?

*****

- The lieutenant Sidorov why were late for three days from holiday? The Wife the head strongly broke
-, the companion mayor.
- And you here and? So the head washing
-, companion major!

*****

The helicopter flies. The navigator gives command komandiru:
- The Commander, two degrees vpravo.
komandir - zero attention. Navigator snova:
-Commander, two degrees vpravo.
komandir again zero attention. After the third time the commander speaks:
-I to you that, on a komariny horse-radish will turn?
pauza. Then a kom@nda shturmana:
- The Commander, thirty degrees vpravo.
komandir:
-Understood, thirty degrees to the right, - and changes kurs.
pauza. Shturman:
- And now twenty eight to the left...

*****

Flies at night the plane with a landing. The signal to a jump sounds. All jumped, except one desantnika.
-What is the matter?! - shouts instruktor.
-I cannot, companion captain. The throat hurts, - the paratrooper hoarse golosom.
-It that answers you - kindergarten?! Be swept out, a pancake, an otsedov, while the getting is good!
desantnik from a place. Fight was started, but left nothing at the instructor. Called the second pilot. Drove head over heels on salon and at last skinuli.
-Heavy there was a tell-tale, - wiping sweat, told the second pilot.
-Kilograms ninety will be, - the hoarse voice answered it.

*****

The plane of polar aircraft of AH-2 around a pole, suddenly a cursor zastuchal.
tolko mudflows how nearby radio scout ef-111.
nashi:
-Children sits down, you that flies?
amerikantsy:
-Vynuzhdennaya.
nashi:
-Oh, at us too!
NU, got a spirtika, saw for friendship of the people. Ours pilot-shtatovskomu:
-Here, we Will be repaired, I you on "Annushka" only this way on speed on any vysote.
nastupilo morning, pokhmelitsya, repaired. Our pilot - bortmekhaniku:
-Vas and on what I with Americans argued yesterday?
-Yes, said, what on their speed obgonim.
-That we will do?
-is fine, pridumayem.
pered take-off ours hooked on a cable for a hook on еF-111, vzleteli.
v the American plane. Shturman:
-John, Russians 100m on a tail, change wing geometry. Through some time:
-John, the Russian again on a tail, include a forcing of turbines. Through some time:
-John, we pry %, Russians only started changing wing geometry.

*****

The plane flies. Unpleasant cotton is suddenly heard. The stewardess enters and addresses to пассажирам:
- do not worry, at us one engine refused. Anything terrible, we will reach and on two, but we will be late on one hour of
prokhodit half an hour - again cotton. The stewardess enters and speaks пассажирам:
- do not worry, at us the second engine refused. Let's reach and on one, but we will be late for three chasa.
eshche in half an hour - again cotton. The stewardess enters and speaks passazhiram:
-Well here, at us the last engine refused.... .
IZ back rows dissatisfied vozglas:
-Chto to us now, all night long here to fly?!

*****

The plane transport worker with some superimportant freight flies. such important that accompany it to two Istra %% a tel. Fly it seems without adventures, there is nothing to do, and pilots to Istra %% tel prattle on a radio communication. Conversation on the one who from them more abruptly as the pilot came. One pilot speaks:
-Seychas I will make a barrel, then a corkscrew at a speed of 1200 km/h and on the shaving - бочку.
- Well give one more speaks vtoroy.
pervy made all tricks, and tells vtoromu:
-A to you poorly all this to do?
Da without problems, tells vtoroy.
tozhe everything did. And the pilot of the transport worker sat-sat, listened-listened to their talk and suddenly speaks:
-Sporim, men, I now will make such that you to repeat not сможете.
- Well give, - speak, - we will look that your rattletrap will be able sdelat.
zhdut minute, two, five, ten... The transport worker both flied on a straight line, and flies. One pilot does not maintain, speaks to the pilot транспорта:
- Well that, give, che you want to make there? I already everything you made
-A by Sdelal.
-Che, we saw nothing. .
-Skhodil in a toilet also smoked. Poorly to repeat?

*****

The transport plane home from the southern countries flies, well clear delo
ekipazh fruit gathered, vegetables different, all board is hammered to the full. Vzletayut.
500 meters until the end of a strip - are not present a separation, 300 m are not present a separation, 100 metrov
nakonets a separation, the commander turns to shturmanu:
-I spoke, still the bucket of sweet cherry can be taken.

*****

The transport plane with the cruiser speed flies, it escort to 2 Istra %% a tel. On Istra %% tel it is boring for pilots "to creep" with such speed, well they and nachali:
- The Second, and you so can? - And time, petlyu.
- The Third, I can! - Repeats - And you so? - Does kolokol.
vypendrivayutsya, and it touched the transport worker's pilot, it on ratsii:
- The Second, third, and we argue, I now will make such that you not povtorite.
eti are attached behind that better videt.
- The First, give! Watch
-!
I continues to fly on a straight line. Minute, two..., fifteen. To Istra %% body not vyderzhyvayut:
- The First! Well? I already made
-A!
-That?
-Descended posrat with a sigarette!!!

*****

Summer. Village. Grandmothers near lodges sit. By the infantry goes somewhere. One grandmother looked at the commander and tells another so spokoyno:
-Oh, the military got the card. Now will ask the road.

*****

The chronicle guard times of Russian-Japanese war of 1904-1905 of
"Bypassing halt perimeters, the foreman Sidorchuk found the Japanese dressed in all black (ninjia), who is publishing some cries and sharply swinging palms, from Sidorchuk's blow in an ear the dead falling to the ground and soon."

*****

The pilot (tooth is beaten out, under an eye - Blanch) tells about next mordoboye:
"we Fought frankly - crew on crew!" And then it is silent dobavlyaet:
"But we - crew of the helicopter, and they - crew of an aircraft carrier..."