Anecdotes about the army

Read funny Anecdotes about the army

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- What condition of the private Jones was this morning? - sprosil
vrach at the person on duty sestry.
-it seems to me, he began to recover: from poured to it in rot
lekarstva it started blowing bubbles.

*****

– What team the captain if behind a board mermaids Are found has to give?
-"None will be the wiser!"

*****

The captain of the nuclear submarine causes starpoma:
- And what it for a push was about two minutes ago?
-Yes it... To the warrant officer Kovbasyuk the radiogramm came that his wife went with some lover to Nice to have a rest.
-Well and?
-P %%%% c to Nice...

*****

The captain speaks to the sergeant:-Sergeant! Want to receive the lieutenant?
TOT:-Of course I want!
kapitan:-Here the address, will eat and will take away the lieutenant Ivanov from a sobering-up station.

*****

- The captain, we wander 5 days about this fucking Cambodia and still did not see any McDonald's!
-John, you are a fool! Same the jungle - here everywhere it is possible!

*****

The captain, wishing to encourage the soldiers on an obstacle course,
obratilsya to them with such slovami:
-Imagine that at the end of a strip waits for you prekrasnaya
blondinka.
tut followed replika:
-Let the red strakholyudina will be better. Then she brositsya
nam towards, and we should not run until the end of a strip!

*****

- Captain! Earth!!! I See
-, the sergeant, I see, dig give!

*****

- Captain Ivanov! Want to receive the major?
-Is so exact!
-is fine. Then now will go to a sobering-up station and receive the major Petrov there!

*****

- The captain, we have a hole, waterlines are lower!
- can be Closed up?
- No! - Prepare for
lifeboats!
- the Captain, is not present boats! - Prepare for
life jackets!
- the Captain, but it only one!
- Yes? - the captain speak

*****

The captain tells off the civilian. That is emu:
-Companion captain, I will ask on half-tone silence! of
-It still why?!
-Because I here part time!

*****

The boat of the American coast guard patrols near berega.
tuman. Not to see the devil. Suddenly in fog appears what-to
siluet. The commander is enough the megaphone and krichit:
-Immediately define yourself!
molchaniye.
-Ya told immediately define yourself differently I all of you now v
patoku raznesu.
opyat molchaniye.
-thirty More seconds and I open fire!
lenivy a voice from tumana:
-Open fire when are ready. Before you linkor
"Missouri".

*****

With whom you work?
-Stacker parashyutov.
-Yes, difficult thing. Well and how, you consult?
-still nobody complained Of my work!

*****

When I did, of course, military service hardly it was necessary. Happened, absolutely unbearable became. In a gas mask almost you choke, on a back the machine gun beats, though squeeze out a soldier's blouse, boots full of sweat, and the colonel's wife everything is not appeased!!!

*****

When the wife complained to the ensign Kotov that she has nothing to make up lips, he in the same evening brought to bank of green paint and a brush.

*****

When served urgent, the first 5 months was in an uchebka. The building uchebki
ekaterininskikh times in three floors with very tall ceilings, thickness of walls about 1, 5m is also located a letter "P". Inside the asphalted parade-ground, and in the middle a stub from an oak in some grasps... (on to the village, to the city). Well and respectively lump. uchebk the stub gave command to liquidate...
Ha is business the prapor was caused, having reported that he is a sapper - well simply the pro, will undermine accurately roots, and then a stub by car will drag off. Got permission, all night long did not sleep - did calculations of charges... The next morning we are podryl a stub, it put trotyl, set fire to a match......... .
Kak it is EBANULO.....!!!!! The stub started as a shuttle... it was not necessary to take out)))) in an uchebka not of one glass... and on the middle of a parade-ground a ditch under a high-rise building))))

*****

The commander causes soldata.
-You trust in life beyond the grave?
-HET.
- There to you the uncle arrived to which you on a funeral went two weeks ago!

*****

The commander of the tank sets a question to members ekipazha:
-That the main thing in the tank?
- The Tool, - are answered odin.
-by Armor, - tells vtopoy.
-Caterpillars, - reports tpetiy.
-Is not present, companions, - the sergeant speaks, - - not to bzdet the Main thing in the tank!

*****

The commander of a battalion of the Austrian army describes to soldiers boyevuyu
situatsiya:
- The Enemy is behind from us, at the left, on the right and ahead...
UZh now it will not disappear from us!.

*****

The commander of paratroopers pilotu:
-You can precisely throw off us in a circle with a diameter of 50 meters?
-Not the problem. Only then remove parachutes.

*****

The commander of a division drives up to the staff. Towards to it the person on duty ofitser:
-Companion general runs out! During your absence to you unknown got into an office and shitted on your desktop!
general flushes and oret:
- The Commander of protection to me!
pribegayet the commander okhrany.
general:
-I Order to involve all staff, quickly to understand and immediately to report!
through some time the commander of protection comes back and raportuyet:
-Companion general! Your task is performed! Quickly understood - it is really shitted, and according to the order - immediately reported. All staff.

*****

The commander of a division decided to come into barracks of one of podrazdeleniya.
perepugavshiysya the man on duty jumped, was extended and, having forgotten ustavnye
trebovaniya, proiznes:
-Good morning, the sir!
komandir of a division considered the man on duty the whole minute, kotoraya
pokazalas to that the whole eternity, and at last said:
-I Hope that next time when I come, I will wait from vas
otdaniya for honor, but not the report on weather which besides is inexact.

*****

The commander orders soldatam:
-So!. To dig here, here and here! And I descend so far, I learn,
gde is necessary...

*****

The commander makes the order serzhantu:
-I go to sleep but that in an hour i.e. when I wake up, on a table I had a soup from a zaychatina! Got that?
-Is so exact, companion commander! - exclaims serzhant.
prokhodit hour. The colonel wakes up and sees: on a table fragrant soup smokes. It, naturally, udivlyaetsya.
- And how you managed to catch a hare for so small term?
-A business was here is how, - smiling, the soldier answers. - There are I to a porch, see: the hare runs. I as to its shandarakhn from the gun, it also did not manage to mew!

*****

The commander of a paraborne regiment instructs the "guerrillas" called on perepodgotovku:
-today you make a jump from height of 1,5 km. After leave the plane, do not forget to pull out a ring of the main parachute. If the parachute is not developed, you have still a spare parachute. After a landing you are waited by the bus to bring to part. If questions are not present, on cars!
through of 15 minutes in an emission point desanta:
-a jump were made by first, second, third "guerrilla" … The fourth jumps: pulled out a ring of the main parachute - anything, spare - anything. Flies and thinks: "So with a parachute pinned, we will look that with bus …"

*****

The commander on a parade-ground soldatam:
ruki it not eggs - they should not dangle during walking!!!

*****

The commander lifts a company in attack, and soldiers with shout: "Ur"
ustremlyayutsya forward. And one runs back and too shouts "Ur".
-Stop! - shouts to it the commander of a company, - You where, a cowardly skin,
bezhish?
-Companion commander, I am not a coward. I have a tactical maneuver - obegu
zemnoy a sphere and will leave them to the back!

*****

The commander constructed rotu:
k: Today there is a dress, will unload grain!
golos from roty:
-That, AGAIN a pitchfork?!
K: Why pitchfork? LOMAMI!

*****

The commander constructed a company on building quietly, got a handkerchief from a pocket, approached one soldier and began to wipe to it nos:
- And it, the private Ivanov, I do at the request of your mother.

*****

The commander of a company utters soldatam:
-you! Villains!!. Force me, the most intelligent man
chasti, to speak with you language, clear for you, why u
menya the head starts hurting and, as a result, all suffers moya
semya...

*****

The commander of a company shouts soldatam:
-Hey, you, quickly to a pizduyta back!
zampolit speaks:
-Well you is so rough with soldiers? It is necessary vezhlivo.
komandir roty:
-Companions soldiers. Pizduyte back, please!

*****

The commander of a company abused the sergeant for a disorder in barracks. In the justification the sergeant zayavil:
- The Barracks are barracks, the sir. The only thing that I can offer that it did not look barracks, is to call it "many-placed number for bachelors".

*****

The commander of a company to soldiers, before put come back with zaryadki:
-Hey you, quickly п$%#^йте back!
stoyashchy nearby zampolit:
-Victor Pavlovich, why you with them is so rough...
komandir roty:
-Companions soldiers, п$%#^йте back... please!

*****

The commander of a company asks at praporshchika.
-Something I do not understand - on each construction I see that fighters of a vypimsha, and smell are not present!
-Praporshchik
-Tov.st.lya, so same the alcoholic enema - also takes away quickly, and the smell is not present. - Try itself!
- The Ensign is interested Next day at Star.leya:
-Well, how?
-of Comrade is old ley:
-Perfectly! But it was necessary to tinker with a cucumber...

*****

The commander of a company was in yarosti.
-That happened, the sir? - asked it serzhant.
-Just to me the drunk private Smith called and asked prodlit
emu unauthorized absence.

*****

Komandir:
- The Private Ivanov to fail!
ivanov falls unconscious. A roar …
komandir:
-That with it?
-Failed …

*****

Komandir:
- There will be dances Today!
soldaty:
-Hurrah! of
-to us the machine gunner will scroll two new disks.

*****

The commander (To) and the soldier (C)
K: - Private Ivanov!
C: - I!
K: - You... mudak!!
C (plaintively):-.... well... tovaaarishch commander....
K: - It is the order!

*****

Commander soldatam:
-So! To dig here, here and here! And I descend so far, I learn where it is necessary...

*****

The commander of the tank asks a question to members ekipazha:
-That the main thing in the tank?
- The Tool, - are answered odin.
-by Armor, - tells vtoroy.
-Caterpillars, - reports tretiy.
-Is not present, companions, - the sergeant, - the Main thing in the tank - ne
bzdet speaks!