Anecdotes about the army

Read funny Anecdotes about the army

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On the ship going to far swimming took the ship's boy. Before departure, on
progulivayas on the deck came across the boatswain smoking a pipe and asked at nego
tabachku. That, laughing gave. When the ship's boy, having curtailed a roll-up, it was tightened, to
chut did not die of asthma. "What though it for tobacco such", - was asked by him botsmana.
"you probably there add something?" "And as", the boatswain burst out laughing. "?«?«??
? п#$%ы of darling". "Well", - the ship's boy thought, - "I still will arrange to you". On pribytiyu
v foreign port the ship's boy bypassed all neighboring markets and bought Pomala samye
deshovye and crappy grades of tobacco what he only managed to otiskat. Mixed eto
v mix. For himself bought normal a tabachka. Walking on the deck and kurya
normalny tobacco he again came across the boatswain." Treat with a tabachok, the greenhorn", the boatswain
asked. The ship's boy poured out to him mixes. The boatswain slowly filled a tube,
prikuril, time was tightened, another and having made the dissatisfied person asked, - "You chego
eto added here." "As that", - the ship's boy, - "Hair with п#$%ы answered darling". Botsman
zatyanulsya once again, - "It is close to an ass you tear, the greenhorn!"

*****

On a shop the man and sokrushayetsya:
-Oy, the devil, oh, a devil, oh, idiocy sits! Nearby sits down militsioner:
-V than business, the citizen?
Da here, a shop is painted...
Б%я..., your mother!!!

*****

On medical board in a military registration and enlistment office the doctor asks prizyvnika:
- The Surname?
-Oslov.
-Initials?
-I- And, I- And.

*****

On medical board in voyenkomate:
- The Doctor, hurts me both here and here here!
-Here itself reached?
-Itself!
-Means is suitable! Following!

*****

On medical examination of recruits the doctor speaks odnomu:
-Read, what is written in the table vperedi.
-What table there? I do not see any tablitsy.
-Perfectly. There really is no table. It is SUITABLE!

*****

At the international competitions the American armed forces were made more than all gaffes at aim firing, and Russian - most of all hits at precautionary.

*****

On one platform lived: lieutenant, captain and general. It happened tak
chto ikh
zheny at the same time went to a holiday on a seashore and at the same time prisylayut
telegrammy:
leytenantu -
kapitanu "Lena BEER" - "LIGHT BEER" of
generalu - "LYuDA BEER" of
leytenant thought-thought - took a bottle of vodka and
A that all thoughtful already followed council to the captain... Took cognac - knock to the general, mol
pomogi
razobratsya. The general calls the encoder, that reddens, bledneet
i
protyagivayet zapiski:
leytenantu - "P_rosti I_zmenil V_ernus O_bjyasnya LEN"
kapitanu - "Tried to Rape three Everything
generalu Are neutralized SVETA" - "Tried to Change Everything LYuDA Refused"

*****

On a parade-ground creation of a female battalion novobrantsev.
-Equal! Quietly! On the first or second number pay off!!!
-First!
-Second!
-First!
-Second!
-First!...
-Companion commander, and at me the fifth!
-Crewe- At-gom! So, you will go to me to office!

*****

On a parade-ground postroyeniye.
komandir:
-So, now before you will appear checking from a staff. Can set to it lyubye
questions. Foreman!
-Ya!
- Then will collect at all gas masks.

*****

On field doctrines the sergeant gives komandu:
-we Bypass the opponent from flanks. A half of office - at the left,
polovina - on the right. The others - for me!

*****

On politzanyatii:
-What first duty of the soldier in the war?
-to Die for the homeland!
-is wrong. The first duty of the soldier - to make so that our enemies died for the homeland!

*****

On political occupations officer asks:
-Mamedov, what such neutrality?
- The Neutrality, it when I, you and Radzhabov we lie in one krovat.
ukryvayemsya one blanket. You lie on the right, Radzhabov - at the left, I - the middle. You tyanesh
odeyalo on myself, Radzhabov - on myself, I - am silent. I - a neutrality!

*****

On draft komissii.
-You with whom work?
-Mekhanik.
-is good! In tankmen!
-A you?
-Yurist.
-Clerk budesh.
- And you?
-Ya I z-stammer...
-you Will go in machine gunners.

*****

On draft medkomissii:
-you always stammer?
-N - to N - no, t-t-only to-to- When g - g - I tell.

*****

On recruiting station the officer, addressing recruits, spoke about advantages military sluzhby.
- And eventually, served in army will not live in dread any more that it will urge to serve.

*****

On recruiting station the question, what education at it was asked the recruit. - I was trained in Berkeley, Los Angeles, in Pristona, in Columbia University and I have a rank of the doctor of medical sciences. - Write down, - the chairman of the draft commission ordered to the secretary, - the recruit can read and write.

*****

At meeting in / sort the ensign h. Got, a reptile with a track from a caterpillar tanka.
komandir chasti:
-Ivan Petrovich! Tell us, well, why for you the track from the tank was necessary?!
praporshchik:
-Nakhren is not necessary! But the Ball, a padla, home empty-handed does not let!.

*****

At station of control of rockets the gone crazy prapor runs in and to a descent oret:
-What creature touched the button?!?
chelovek on pulte:
-N-n-nikto.
prapor:
-Anybody?!?! And where America got to? and?!? Three extra duties!

*****

On firing practice the ensign addresses to soldatu:
-to Give out machine guns!
-What?
-Military!

*****

On a scene the ventriloquist with a plush duck on a hand. The duck opens rot:
- And now one more joke about cops!
B to a hall rises ment:
-Well enough! Bothered! Do of us fools, you understand!!!
chrevoveshchatel, all red, begins izvinyatsya.
ment emu:
-So, shut up!. I talk to a duck...

*****

On customs control at the Sheremetyevo airport the dog brought on drugs several times a look let know to the passenger who arrived from Holland that the problem can be settled easily for kilogram of steaks.

*****

At the corner of the street there are two militiamen with sad fizionomiyami.
prokhozhy asks:
- And what befell?
-our police dog poteryalas.
-Well and what? The dog for certain itself will find the road to otdeleniya.
-Well, the DOG will find...

*****

For the morning the general falls down, the aide-de-camp watches it wipes his uniform from vomit. "A pancake, - thinks, - it it is necessary to be dishonored, discredit official authority so." And speaks:
-you Represent, I stand on a stop yesterday, here some stirred up runs up to me, obblevat all uniform. I pursued it, but not the smog dognat.
adyyutant raises eyes and otvechayet:
- And it was worth catching up, and he to you and in shtan shitted that.

*****

On ucheniyakh.komandir a tank column on ratsii:
-Pervy, went!
revet the motor, the first tank poshel.
-Vtoroy, went! Motor
REV, the second tank directs for the first .
-Третий,пошел!
Тишина.
-Третий,пошел!!!
Танк from a place...
-TRETIY...
Ha the tank opens the hatch, the chock gets out and, swinging shlemofony, krichit:
-Komandir, a goat I will be - the cap talks!

*****

On ucheniyakh.
- The Private Beldyev, at you still remained a little water in a flask?
-Of course, brother! As it you answer with
-to the senior on a rank! I repeat a question: you have water?
-is not present In any way, companion sergeant!

*****

On doctrines sappers, without having near at hand mines, spread out on approaches k
oboronitelnym to card positions with represented on them minami.
posle doctrines collecting cards with surprise saw s
kazhdoy a card the photo of the soldier of "opponent" nearby, with nadpisyyu:
"Is killed".

*****

On fleet check. There arrived the commander - the whole Admiral(s) .
podnimayetsya to the big anti-submarine ship. Everything shines. Kom@nda is constructed. Towards Captain of the first rank (K1). Approaches a ceremonial step. Reports: "Companion admiral! Kom@nda of the ship on the occasion of your arrival is constructed. The ship is ready to review! "
A: - And?
K1:......
A:-. And!?!?
K1:-.???
A is developed and leaves. Comes to the ship a rank lower. There not everything is so ideal, but also the kom@nda and the deck is scrubbed. Towards Captain of the second rank (K2). Approaches a ceremonial step. Reports: "Companion admiral! Kom@nda of the ship on the occasion of your arrival is constructed. The ship is ready to review! "
A: - And?
K2: - Did not understand, companion admiral, and that "Also"
A is developed and leaves. Went down on a ladder - angry. Thinks: "On whom is to come off?" . Sees - not far the torpedo boat. Obsharpany all. On the deck sailors gad - not in a form dressed. It there. Approaches, and it even a ladder was not given. Shouts (already almost boils): "Hey, on a barge to give a ladder to the admiral" With top the sailor looked out. Looks - the ADMIRAL!!!. Speaks "At us, companion admiral, only the staircases broken, and is not present a ladder. On the end aboard we rise. Well anything - now we will dolly up and rise, and I will call the captain so far". The admiral rose - from an ugly face it is possible to get a light. Towards captain of the third rank (K3). In a polurasstegnuty single-breasted coat. Slowly. Under way barked that the kom@nda gathered. Approached. "Sorry, - speaks, - companion admiral. Hello. While prepared for your arrival, did not manage to be tidied up a little".
A: - "I-i-i!!!!!????? "
K3: - "Women - in hold... "
A: - "And?!? "
K3: - "The table is laid... "
A: - "Hello companions military seamen!!!!!!!"

*****

At the front. Komandir:
-Private Ivanov!
IVANOV:
-Ya!
-Here to you a brick - will shoot down the opponent's plane!
(in amazement)
-As - a brick?! Plane?!!
-Ivanov - You the COMMUNIST!
(breaking a brick about a knee on 2 parts)
-Ya I will shoot down TWO planes!

*****

At examination in the military uchilishche.
- The Companion a kustant, what taka an ellipse?
- The Ellipse is the circle entered in a square of 2 on 4 in size.

*****

Inscription on a place of burial of an army mule: "Here the favourite of division who for the life kicked dvukh
polkovnikov, four majors, ten captains, 24 lieutenants,
42 of the sergeant, 486 privates and one mine lies mul
magi,".

*****

Inscription by a police car (doggy with lattices): "WIN the TRIP".

*****

On the eve of doctrines of soldiers spent on drink the machine gun. The foreman in rage gave him three extra duties and forced to plane the machine gun from dereva.
-Will run across the field and language to crack: "Tr-r-r, tr-r-r", and for you posbivat targets, - he told. Doctrines began. The soldier runs and krichit:
-Tr-r-r, tr-r-r!.
glyad, because of a hillock with shout of "u-u-u", having stretched hands the guy in a flight form runs out.

*****

National Russian handymen invented a new antiradar which reacts not to a radar, and on militiamen, but there is one problem: a large number of false operations because of the dogs gadding about the road and goats.

*****

The NATO general arrived on a visit to Israel. In soprovozhdenii
izrailskogo the general examines military equipment. By prokhodit
soldat, without giving a greeting. NATO general:
-I see, the discipline at you hromayet.
izrailsky the general otklikat soldata:
-Moysh, you why do not greet? I something offended you?

*****

Beginning police first time went to patrol the city together with more skilled colleague. On a handheld transceiver they were told that if in their quarter suspicious congestions of people will be noticed, it is necessary to disseminate those. Passable on one of streets, they saw small tolpu.
novichok braked, lowered glass and prikriknul:
- And well all vividly dispersed!
nikto did not move a little. Then he bellowed in all golos:
-I TOLD ALL to DISPERSE!
TUT people slowly began to disperse, puzzly looking back on patrol mashinu.
gordy themselves, the police officer turned to the veteran and sprosil:
-Well, how I them?!
-Is quite quite good, - that answered. - Especially if to consider that it was the bus stop...

*****

- Our new commander - very polite person, with all ofirer on "you". Yesterday Vyblyadok if that not so - to a vyeb and I expel calls me and speaks:
-!

*****

Our military at last created the operated air bomb, with a convenient chair and even the conditioner.

*****

- Do not laugh at the grandfather!
-Why?
- The Grandfather was at war!
-I che? The Grandfather is able to KILL with
-!.

*****

The Russian tanks as their drunk crews are not so terrible...